i abandoned this blog... having no desire to write or share my experiences...!! perhaps it was i just couldn't find a way to articulate my thoughts... there were a few outside influences that kept me away.... but nothing worth mentioning... it is...l believe passion... guides me... it is within my heart an empty space...the void of life preventing me from wanting... anything really...
losing myself in a black hole... swimming around trying to find a way out...!! i suppose life has it's own ideas for me... a destiny not yet discovered... for many years i knew my path...it was teaching and being a mother... i know longer teach...and honestly can't imagine myself back in a classroom... often i hear..that's where i should be...or what i should do... but for me...i no longer feel the passion i once did for teaching... i know longer feel i have what it takes to teach....believing with all my heart...."the day i stop learning is the day i stop teaching" sometimes i miss it... i miss the interaction with the students.... the look on their faces when they experience success or complete understanding... oh and that smile...when they have created a masterpiece... what a glorious magical moment it was each and every time... the one thing i can say about teaching...is i never ever had one of those days..dreading my work...!!! i loved it... and always will... hold close to my heart the years i spent making a difference...with so many students... and hopefully the difference i made lies on the side of good..more than the other...
it's been two years since i've graced the halls of the school i spent 10 years in... and to my great delight...still to this day...at least once a week...i hear someone say..."miz oshel"... a smile stretches across my face...while my heart warms a golden glow.... i suppose we all have those moments... being remembered... "you were my teacher...do you remember me?" sometimes i do...but sadly sometimes i don't... recently...i spent a few hours talking to one of my former photo students... i do remember...emily a pretty girl...tall and blond with big blue eyes....very quiet... her quiet days are long since past...she has found her voice...as a mother...a wife...and a beautiful spirit... it brings me great pleasure rejoicing in her success and happiness...!! fortunately for me...she has fond memories...of my class... as i hope many do...!!!
as the new school year begins...i feel a longing...missing the hustle bustle of getting back in the school routine....not only for myself but my sons as well... the daily grind... of bells ringing...be here now...be there now...time for lunch... funny how it still feels like i should be back on the bus... doing what i do so well...making copies... preparing my first day of school speech... which i had down to a fine art... !! but it is... i am here in my back yard... looking at my new fence... listening to the ac... roar...wondering what the hell it's doing on...in the first place....!! wishing...i was heading off to my work place... making a difference...doing what i love...wishing... and wishing...i had what it takes again...to do what i do... lost in this life...without any place to go... wishing...and wishing...for a new day... a better way...a life i want to live...!!!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
oreo.....
cookies.....are a good thing...after a long day... the sun has gone down... chillin in the AC... a glass of cold milk...and a bag of oreo cookies... is what i'm talkin about....!!! recipe...simple pleasures... large glass of extra cold milk...preferably organic... a bag of regular oreo cookies... one to three napkins...depending on how messy you are... a good movie...book or music... for enhancers... let the dipping begin.... those who enjoy oreo cookies... understand there are several ways to eat them... there are the: insert entire cookie in mouth folks, the twist apart...and lick the cream folks... the twist and dippers... the cookie soakers... etc.... !! if you have never had an oreo cookie...i recommend trying as many different eating methods to find the one you're most comfortable with... the nice thing about the oreo experience is....it can be done alone...or with friends...family even your pets...
really the oreo thing....was about my tan line..then somehow i went off on the cookie tangent..and well...lost sight of the real issue here... last friday... was the first friday art walk...and i wanted to wear this sexy....scarf dress... with a very low cut back... so... i got it all ready...took my shower... prepared my face... a little blusher...is all i wear in the summer... skin covered in a special kelley blend of essential oils... then..slipped on the dress... the front looked great... however... when i checked my back... not so pretty.... i had a very distinct...tan line right about my shoulder blades... my back faded into a creamy white shade...descending from my shoulder blades to the top of my extra small ace... resembling an oreo cookie... pretty funny... i tried a few things to hide it...like letting my hair down... which is now almost to the top of my ace crack... but it didn't hide it entirely...i also thought...oh what the hell...no one will notice... then..i decided... to wait... and wear it another day...
monday's...work..in the garden... provided me with the opportunity to bare my bikini top...and get the much needed sun on the bottom of my backside.... which is now... evened out...so you better watch out...i'm getting ready to sport...my sexy little scarf dress...with the extra low back... and i can't wait....!!!!
last time i wore this dress....two men tried buy it off of me...for their wives...one wouldn't stop...he even said it would look better on her.... well...fine...but NO... he actually began to piss me off a bit.... the thing is...the dress fits my skinny little body...perfectly....this woman he was referring to...was at least 5 sizes larger than me...if not 10.... i remember asking him... what would i wear home... i can't remember his response...but the thing she was wearing....no way would i ever...put on my body..... kind of an old lady..matching ensemble....capri pants with floral top....you know the look.... not pretty.....at any age...so NO...you keep your outfit...and i'll keep mine...thank you very much...!!!
off to make magic happen....
really the oreo thing....was about my tan line..then somehow i went off on the cookie tangent..and well...lost sight of the real issue here... last friday... was the first friday art walk...and i wanted to wear this sexy....scarf dress... with a very low cut back... so... i got it all ready...took my shower... prepared my face... a little blusher...is all i wear in the summer... skin covered in a special kelley blend of essential oils... then..slipped on the dress... the front looked great... however... when i checked my back... not so pretty.... i had a very distinct...tan line right about my shoulder blades... my back faded into a creamy white shade...descending from my shoulder blades to the top of my extra small ace... resembling an oreo cookie... pretty funny... i tried a few things to hide it...like letting my hair down... which is now almost to the top of my ace crack... but it didn't hide it entirely...i also thought...oh what the hell...no one will notice... then..i decided... to wait... and wear it another day...
monday's...work..in the garden... provided me with the opportunity to bare my bikini top...and get the much needed sun on the bottom of my backside.... which is now... evened out...so you better watch out...i'm getting ready to sport...my sexy little scarf dress...with the extra low back... and i can't wait....!!!!
last time i wore this dress....two men tried buy it off of me...for their wives...one wouldn't stop...he even said it would look better on her.... well...fine...but NO... he actually began to piss me off a bit.... the thing is...the dress fits my skinny little body...perfectly....this woman he was referring to...was at least 5 sizes larger than me...if not 10.... i remember asking him... what would i wear home... i can't remember his response...but the thing she was wearing....no way would i ever...put on my body..... kind of an old lady..matching ensemble....capri pants with floral top....you know the look.... not pretty.....at any age...so NO...you keep your outfit...and i'll keep mine...thank you very much...!!!
off to make magic happen....
Thursday, May 28, 2009
this morning....
when i finally fell asleep somewhere between 4 and 4:30 am....i had a dream... that turned into a nightmare.... what began as being at a party among many friends ended up...being somewhere in a city unfamiliar having a bite to eat with mikeC... i leaned toward him as i often do and became covered with half inch long thin like stickers in my face and arms... i looked at him...noticing he was covered with them as well... as i began pulling the stickers from my arms and face...i was suddenly pulling long slivers of wood from my arms, stomach, thighs and back that were piercing through my skin... leaving bloody patches all over my body... i went to my house....to get help and to report the person who had done this to me...a guy i had attended college with many years ago... was trying to hurt me... he came to the house under the pretense of looking for me..... when i told my family and friend it's him... he took off in his car...my family said they got his tag number....and called the police..... then... i ran into mikeC again... i was covered with the wounds...he looked at me...asking if i knew where my sister was...he wanted to show her the new phone he was getting...that was not yet available to the public...he had signed up for the phone... i looked at him...wondering why he didn't hug me...or see my bloody body... he just showed me the brochure for the new phone.. then slowly walked away....!!!
there was more to this dream...but it's all somewhat sketchy ...like finding my purse in a pile of lost and found stuff... wondering how it got there...checking inside to see if all the contents were still inside...... happy to see it was...
i awoke.... sitting up... wondering what that was all about...it is still with me...and i'm not quite sure...what it means... i've never been physically hurt in a dream...chased yes...but not bloodied... i find it amusing when people i know are actually in my dreams... this has been an increasing theme lately... some say everyone in our dreams represents a part of us...then there is warning aspects as to people... among a few....as i have done a great deal of dream research...and sought out meanings in order to understand... this one....however has me a little confused... thus the research begins...
there was more to this dream...but it's all somewhat sketchy ...like finding my purse in a pile of lost and found stuff... wondering how it got there...checking inside to see if all the contents were still inside...... happy to see it was...
i awoke.... sitting up... wondering what that was all about...it is still with me...and i'm not quite sure...what it means... i've never been physically hurt in a dream...chased yes...but not bloodied... i find it amusing when people i know are actually in my dreams... this has been an increasing theme lately... some say everyone in our dreams represents a part of us...then there is warning aspects as to people... among a few....as i have done a great deal of dream research...and sought out meanings in order to understand... this one....however has me a little confused... thus the research begins...
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
i'm sitting outside...
in my backyard...listening to an old "indigo girls" cd...i think it was one of their first...it feels as good today....as it did..15 years ago....when i heard it for the very first time... taking me back... in time... when life was so different for me...my sons...still in the single digits... 9 and 6.... we have long past the singles...on this day...leighton is 21.
i have thought about this day...for years and years.... it's his golden birthday... 21 on the 21st... his phone is blowing up...text messages....family phoning to wish him a happy day... i can't stop smiling...
last night... 11:50ish... taylor...jake (step brother)...kyle...leighton and i went to the cock o the walk...to shoot a game of pool and have a beer... leighton....would not enter until...it was straight up...midnight... he and jake waited outside...while taylor and kyle...grabbed couple of beers and a pool table... that was the longest 10 or so minutes... i kid you not...when the clock struck 12...in we went...he marched right up to the bar..ordered his brew...the bartender didn't say anything...so i said..."ask him for his ID" he did...leighton pulled it from his wallet...passing it over to cory.... cory...looked at it...then turned to look at the clock... looked back at leighton...with a your good grin...on his face... the boys played a few rounds of pool....drank their beer... i thanked cory..telling him this night had been planned for a year..and he was great... we had so much fun....luckily it was short and sweet... saving the big blowout..for tonight... which i'm not usually invited to...it's the young guy thing...and of course having mom around just isn't really their idea of a good time... his brothers have the whole evening planned out....from start to finish... sounds like fun if your 21....not 51....
happy birthday leighton... you have...been the light of my life for 21 years... how blessed am i to know you....to have such a wonderful son... to be able to look at you...and smile with pride... love...and happiness.. you are my beautiful child... thank you for every second...you have been a part of my world... always...my love to you...
Saturday, May 9, 2009
the time...has
slipped by... life has happened in so many ways since my last blog entry... i can't believe it's been so long... suppose i haven't had much to say!!!
recently...the notion...idea... belief..whatever one wants to call it... that life has "no meaning" has been an almost daily topic of conversation in my life... it is most perplexing that one chooses to live this way... however with this thought...belief... there is no accountability... no love... nothing... just existence... everything is disposable... because...nothing has any meaning...
personally i find this a most selfish belief... it is disturbing on so many levels...and no matter how defiant...and bent this believer is...on life having no meaning... he will never convince me... that this is true...
so...my thoughts on life... for what it's worth...
in a way...i can understand mikeC's belief... if i chose to live my life the way mikeC has...
but...i have not...and my life means something to me... to my sons...my family...my friends... with the exception of mikeC... of course...however i don't know if he could consider anyone a friend... because with friendship is love...and meaning...yes? i'm so confused...
i have listened to mikeC's argument over and over again and it just doesn't have any relevance...nor does it have anything but scientific facts... mostly about the beginning explosion and the end explosion...so one day the earth explodes...no more humans...so nothing matters... simple right...however it's not that simple.... not for me anyway...
i have had a completely different life... i have had a life filled with love...compassion...passion... empathy and sympathy...laughter... family and friends...i have been a teacher... and the student... i have had two sons whose very lives...depended on me for many years... i just can't find "NO MEANING" in all of this...
10 years ago... my father became ill... he suffered from an aortic aneurysm... cancer.. among several other serious life threatening diseases... during the 11 months....beginning in june of 1999 until may 17th of 2000... i watched my father fight and fight...for his life... after 4 or 5 surgeries... two stints... gall bladder removal... then they found cancer and removed the lymph nodes and gall bladder stem to prevent spreading....at which time he went into respiratory failure and was in ICU for several days.....a few months later he had surgery done on the aneurysm which caused him to have a stroke paralyzing his right side... after 3 or 4 months of recovery...my father returned to work...and to the golf course...he had to learn how to walk...talk...eat... and write again.... then in february of 2000...my father received a clean bill of health... we were going to enjoy many more years...with him...
in the middle of april 2000.... my father's belly bloated and he was rushed to the hospital... to find that he had a rare form of stomach cancer...causing lesions on his stomach lining.... in a matter of 3 weeks...my father went from 175 lbs to skin and bones.... on saturday...may 6th at 3:30 in the afternoon..by younger brother kip...called me crying... "you better get here now ...they don't think dad will make it through the night!!" i was on a plane by 5 that evening heading for san antonio.... my brothers picked me up at the airport and took me directly to the hospital...where my mother i stayed by my father's side through the night.. the next day... was my son taylor's 15th birthday... and the day that we all learned...there was nothing they could do...!!! i heard my father laugh...and make jokes that day...he wasn't ready to die... he said..."but i still have things to do" ...all i could think of...was how he never got his canary yellow mercedes...
10 days later... while standing in my classroom...my phone rings... it's my brother.. "he's gone" i will never forget that moment as long as i live... my knees collapsed beneath me...as i fell to the floor....holding the phone to my ear... saying "no...god no.... " two of my students... lifted me to my feet.... i felt the flush of life exit my body... my dad..was gone... there was no bringing him back...there was no earth exploding...there was only a wonderful loving father... husband... man...lying breathless...on his bed...surrounded by his family....
did this man serve no purpose...did his life have no meaning... ? how can anyone say that.. how can anyone take that away from me...from my family...from him....? so what gives my father's life meaning...? he lived a good life....he brought joy to so many... he believed in all 4 of his children.. he never let us down... i can't remember going without food...or no roof over our heads... my father gave a great deal to all of us... my father's life had meaning....to me...to my brother's and sister...and all of his grandchildren...to my mother...his sisters.... it still does in fact have meaning...he gave us all something to carry on for generations and generations to come...
it is impossible for me to believe...life has no meaning... when it has had so much meaning... and whether i'm here tomorrow or not...or the earth explodes or not...i still lived...i still did what i was here to do...i still was a mother...a daughter...a sister... a friend...a teacher... and all the lives i have touched...and all the lives that have touched mine...has given it more meaning that i could ever ever ask for...
i suppose...it is a choice...to live a meaningful life... to love and to be loved... it is..that i am willing to do what i can to love and to give and to make the most of this short time on this earth... i just don't see that the earth exploding someday negates the fact that i lived...i loved... and i laughed.... with meaning....!!!
recently...the notion...idea... belief..whatever one wants to call it... that life has "no meaning" has been an almost daily topic of conversation in my life... it is most perplexing that one chooses to live this way... however with this thought...belief... there is no accountability... no love... nothing... just existence... everything is disposable... because...nothing has any meaning...
personally i find this a most selfish belief... it is disturbing on so many levels...and no matter how defiant...and bent this believer is...on life having no meaning... he will never convince me... that this is true...
so...my thoughts on life... for what it's worth...
in a way...i can understand mikeC's belief... if i chose to live my life the way mikeC has...
but...i have not...and my life means something to me... to my sons...my family...my friends... with the exception of mikeC... of course...however i don't know if he could consider anyone a friend... because with friendship is love...and meaning...yes? i'm so confused...
i have listened to mikeC's argument over and over again and it just doesn't have any relevance...nor does it have anything but scientific facts... mostly about the beginning explosion and the end explosion...so one day the earth explodes...no more humans...so nothing matters... simple right...however it's not that simple.... not for me anyway...
i have had a completely different life... i have had a life filled with love...compassion...passion... empathy and sympathy...laughter... family and friends...i have been a teacher... and the student... i have had two sons whose very lives...depended on me for many years... i just can't find "NO MEANING" in all of this...
10 years ago... my father became ill... he suffered from an aortic aneurysm... cancer.. among several other serious life threatening diseases... during the 11 months....beginning in june of 1999 until may 17th of 2000... i watched my father fight and fight...for his life... after 4 or 5 surgeries... two stints... gall bladder removal... then they found cancer and removed the lymph nodes and gall bladder stem to prevent spreading....at which time he went into respiratory failure and was in ICU for several days.....a few months later he had surgery done on the aneurysm which caused him to have a stroke paralyzing his right side... after 3 or 4 months of recovery...my father returned to work...and to the golf course...he had to learn how to walk...talk...eat... and write again.... then in february of 2000...my father received a clean bill of health... we were going to enjoy many more years...with him...
in the middle of april 2000.... my father's belly bloated and he was rushed to the hospital... to find that he had a rare form of stomach cancer...causing lesions on his stomach lining.... in a matter of 3 weeks...my father went from 175 lbs to skin and bones.... on saturday...may 6th at 3:30 in the afternoon..by younger brother kip...called me crying... "you better get here now ...they don't think dad will make it through the night!!" i was on a plane by 5 that evening heading for san antonio.... my brothers picked me up at the airport and took me directly to the hospital...where my mother i stayed by my father's side through the night.. the next day... was my son taylor's 15th birthday... and the day that we all learned...there was nothing they could do...!!! i heard my father laugh...and make jokes that day...he wasn't ready to die... he said..."but i still have things to do" ...all i could think of...was how he never got his canary yellow mercedes...
10 days later... while standing in my classroom...my phone rings... it's my brother.. "he's gone" i will never forget that moment as long as i live... my knees collapsed beneath me...as i fell to the floor....holding the phone to my ear... saying "no...god no.... " two of my students... lifted me to my feet.... i felt the flush of life exit my body... my dad..was gone... there was no bringing him back...there was no earth exploding...there was only a wonderful loving father... husband... man...lying breathless...on his bed...surrounded by his family....
did this man serve no purpose...did his life have no meaning... ? how can anyone say that.. how can anyone take that away from me...from my family...from him....? so what gives my father's life meaning...? he lived a good life....he brought joy to so many... he believed in all 4 of his children.. he never let us down... i can't remember going without food...or no roof over our heads... my father gave a great deal to all of us... my father's life had meaning....to me...to my brother's and sister...and all of his grandchildren...to my mother...his sisters.... it still does in fact have meaning...he gave us all something to carry on for generations and generations to come...
it is impossible for me to believe...life has no meaning... when it has had so much meaning... and whether i'm here tomorrow or not...or the earth explodes or not...i still lived...i still did what i was here to do...i still was a mother...a daughter...a sister... a friend...a teacher... and all the lives i have touched...and all the lives that have touched mine...has given it more meaning that i could ever ever ask for...
i suppose...it is a choice...to live a meaningful life... to love and to be loved... it is..that i am willing to do what i can to love and to give and to make the most of this short time on this earth... i just don't see that the earth exploding someday negates the fact that i lived...i loved... and i laughed.... with meaning....!!!
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