long ryde home

a few months ago...

2009-09-08T05:43:00.000-07:00

i abandoned this blog... having no desire to write or share my experiences...!! perhaps it was i just couldn't find a way to articulate my thoughts... there were a few outside influences that kept me away.... but nothing worth mentioning... it is...l believe passion... guides me... it is within my heart an empty space...the void of life preventing me from wanting... anything really...
losing myself in a black hole... swimming around trying to find a way out...!! i suppose life has it's own ideas for me... a destiny not yet discovered... for many years i knew my path...it was teaching and being a mother... i know longer teach...and honestly can't imagine myself back in a classroom... often i hear..that's where i should be...or what i should do... but for me...i no longer feel the passion i once did for teaching... i know longer feel i have what it takes to teach....believing with all my heart...."the day i stop learning is the day i stop teaching" sometimes i miss it... i miss the interaction with the students.... the look on their faces when they experience success or complete understanding... oh and that smile...when they have created a masterpiece... what a glorious magical moment it was each and every time... the one thing i can say about teaching...is i never ever had one of those days..dreading my work...!!! i loved it... and always will... hold close to my heart the years i spent making a difference...with so many students... and hopefully the difference i made lies on the side of good..more than the other...
it's been two years since i've graced the halls of the school i spent 10 years in... and to my great delight...still to this day...at least once a week...i hear someone say..."miz oshel"... a smile stretches across my face...while my heart warms a golden glow.... i suppose we all have those moments... being remembered... "you were my teacher...do you remember me?" sometimes i do...but sadly sometimes i don't... recently...i spent a few hours talking to one of my former photo students... i do remember...emily a pretty girl...tall and blond with big blue eyes....very quiet... her quiet days are long since past...she has found her voice...as a mother...a wife...and a beautiful spirit... it brings me great pleasure rejoicing in her success and happiness...!! fortunately for me...she has fond memories...of my class... as i hope many do...!!!

as the new school year begins...i feel a longing...missing the hustle bustle of getting back in the school routine....not only for myself but my sons as well... the daily grind... of bells ringing...be here now...be there now...time for lunch... funny how it still feels like i should be back on the bus... doing what i do so well...making copies... preparing my first day of school speech... which i had down to a fine art... !! but it is... i am here in my back yard... looking at my new fence... listening to the ac... roar...wondering what the hell it's doing on...in the first place....!! wishing...i was heading off to my work place... making a difference...doing what i love...wishing... and wishing...i had what it takes again...to do what i do... lost in this life...without any place to go... wishing...and wishing...for a new day... a better way...a life i want to live...!!!

oreo.....

2009-06-10T05:08:00.000-07:00

cookies.....are a good thing...after a long day... the sun has gone down... chillin in the AC... a glass of cold milk...and a bag of oreo cookies... is what i'm talkin about....!!! recipe...simple pleasures... large glass of extra cold milk...preferably organic... a bag of regular oreo cookies... one to three napkins...depending on how messy you are... a good movie...book or music... for enhancers... let the dipping begin.... those who enjoy oreo cookies... understand there are several ways to eat them... there are the: insert entire cookie in mouth folks, the twist apart...and lick the cream folks... the twist and dippers... the cookie soakers... etc.... !! if you have never had an oreo cookie...i recommend trying as many different eating methods to find the one you're most comfortable with... the nice thing about the oreo experience is....it can be done alone...or with friends...family even your pets...

really the oreo thing....was about my tan line..then somehow i went off on the cookie tangent..and well...lost sight of the real issue here... last friday... was the first friday art walk...and i wanted to wear this sexy....scarf dress... with a very low cut back... so... i got it all ready...took my shower... prepared my face... a little blusher...is all i wear in the summer... skin covered in a special kelley blend of essential oils... then..slipped on the dress... the front looked great... however... when i checked my back... not so pretty.... i had a very distinct...tan line right about my shoulder blades... my back faded into a creamy white shade...descending from my shoulder blades to the top of my extra small ace... resembling an oreo cookie... pretty funny... i tried a few things to hide it...like letting my hair down... which is now almost to the top of my ace crack... but it didn't hide it entirely...i also thought...oh what the hell...no one will notice... then..i decided... to wait... and wear it another day...

monday's...work..in the garden... provided me with the opportunity to bare my bikini top...and get the much needed sun on the bottom of my backside.... which is now... evened out...so you better watch out...i'm getting ready to sport...my sexy little scarf dress...with the extra low back... and i can't wait....!!!!

last time i wore this dress....two men tried buy it off of me...for their wives...one wouldn't stop...he even said it would look better on her.... well...fine...but NO... he actually began to piss me off a bit.... the thing is...the dress fits my skinny little body...perfectly....this woman he was referring to...was at least 5 sizes larger than me...if not 10.... i remember asking him... what would i wear home... i can't remember his response...but the thing she was wearing....no way would i ever...put on my body..... kind of an old lady..matching ensemble....capri pants with floral top....you know the look.... not pretty.....at any age...so NO...you keep your outfit...and i'll keep mine...thank you very much...!!!

off to make magic happen....

this morning....

2009-05-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

when i finally fell asleep somewhere between 4 and 4:30 am....i had a dream... that turned into a nightmare.... what began as being at a party among many friends ended up...being somewhere in a city unfamiliar having a bite to eat with mikeC... i leaned toward him as i often do and became covered with half inch long thin like stickers in my face and arms... i looked at him...noticing he was covered with them as well... as i began pulling the stickers from my arms and face...i was suddenly pulling long slivers of wood from my arms, stomach, thighs and back that were piercing through my skin... leaving bloody patches all over my body... i went to my house....to get help and to report the person who had done this to me...a guy i had attended college with many years ago... was trying to hurt me... he came to the house under the pretense of looking for me..... when i told my family and friend it's him... he took off in his car...my family said they got his tag number....and called the police..... then... i ran into mikeC again... i was covered with the wounds...he looked at me...asking if i knew where my sister was...he wanted to show her the new phone he was getting...that was not yet available to the public...he had signed up for the phone... i looked at him...wondering why he didn't hug me...or see my bloody body... he just showed me the brochure for the new phone.. then slowly walked away....!!!

there was more to this dream...but it's all somewhat sketchy ...like finding my purse in a pile of lost and found stuff... wondering how it got there...checking inside to see if all the contents were still inside...... happy to see it was...

i awoke.... sitting up... wondering what that was all about...it is still with me...and i'm not quite sure...what it means... i've never been physically hurt in a dream...chased yes...but not bloodied... i find it amusing when people i know are actually in my dreams... this has been an increasing theme lately... some say everyone in our dreams represents a part of us...then there is warning aspects as to people... among a few....as i have done a great deal of dream research...and sought out meanings in order to understand... this one....however has me a little confused... thus the research begins...

all in a week....

2009-05-25T08:13:00.000-07:00

my baby...

2009-05-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

happy

birthday

LEIGHTON

love you

i'm sitting outside...

2009-05-21T09:22:00.000-07:00

in my backyard...listening to an old "indigo girls" cd...i think it was one of their first...it feels as good today....as it did..15 years ago....when i heard it for the very first time... taking me back... in time... when life was so different for me...my sons...still in the single digits... 9 and 6.... we have long past the singles...on this day...leighton is 21.

i have thought about this day...for years and years.... it's his golden birthday... 21 on the 21st... his phone is blowing up...text messages....family phoning to wish him a happy day... i can't stop smiling...

last night... 11:50ish... taylor...jake (step brother)...kyle...leighton and i went to the cock o the walk...to shoot a game of pool and have a beer... leighton....would not enter until...it was straight up...midnight... he and jake waited outside...while taylor and kyle...grabbed couple of beers and a pool table... that was the longest 10 or so minutes... i kid you not...when the clock struck 12...in we went...he marched right up to the bar..ordered his brew...the bartender didn't say anything...so i said..."ask him for his ID" he did...leighton pulled it from his wallet...passing it over to cory.... cory...looked at it...then turned to look at the clock... looked back at leighton...with a your good grin...on his face... the boys played a few rounds of pool....drank their beer... i thanked cory..telling him this night had been planned for a year..and he was great... we had so much fun....luckily it was short and sweet... saving the big blowout..for tonight... which i'm not usually invited to...it's the young guy thing...and of course having mom around just isn't really their idea of a good time... his brothers have the whole evening planned out....from start to finish... sounds like fun if your 21....not 51....

happy birthday leighton... you have...been the light of my life for 21 years... how blessed am i to know you....to have such a wonderful son... to be able to look at you...and smile with pride... love...and happiness.. you are my beautiful child... thank you for every second...you have been a part of my world... always...my love to you...

the time...has

2009-05-09T07:58:00.001-07:00

slipped by... life has happened in so many ways since my last blog entry... i can't believe it's been so long... suppose i haven't had much to say!!!

recently...the notion...idea... belief..whatever one wants to call it... that life has "no meaning" has been an almost daily topic of conversation in my life... it is most perplexing that one chooses to live this way... however with this thought...belief... there is no accountability... no love... nothing... just existence... everything is disposable... because...nothing has any meaning...

personally i find this a most selfish belief... it is disturbing on so many levels...and no matter how defiant...and bent this believer is...on life having no meaning... he will never convince me... that this is true...

so...my thoughts on life... for what it's worth...

in a way...i can understand mikeC's belief... if i chose to live my life the way mikeC has...

but...i have not...and my life means something to me... to my sons...my family...my friends... with the exception of mikeC... of course...however i don't know if he could consider anyone a friend... because with friendship is love...and meaning...yes? i'm so confused...

i have listened to mikeC's argument over and over again and it just doesn't have any relevance...nor does it have anything but scientific facts... mostly about the beginning explosion and the end explosion...so one day the earth explodes...no more humans...so nothing matters... simple right...however it's not that simple.... not for me anyway...

i have had a completely different life... i have had a life filled with love...compassion...passion... empathy and sympathy...laughter... family and friends...i have been a teacher... and the student... i have had two sons whose very lives...depended on me for many years... i just can't find "NO MEANING" in all of this...

10 years ago... my father became ill... he suffered from an aortic aneurysm... cancer.. among several other serious life threatening diseases... during the 11 months....beginning in june of 1999 until may 17th of 2000... i watched my father fight and fight...for his life... after 4 or 5 surgeries... two stints... gall bladder removal... then they found cancer and removed the lymph nodes and gall bladder stem to prevent spreading....at which time he went into respiratory failure and was in ICU for several days.....a few months later he had surgery done on the aneurysm which caused him to have a stroke paralyzing his right side... after 3 or 4 months of recovery...my father returned to work...and to the golf course...he had to learn how to walk...talk...eat... and write again.... then in february of 2000...my father received a clean bill of health... we were going to enjoy many more years...with him...

in the middle of april 2000.... my father's belly bloated and he was rushed to the hospital... to find that he had a rare form of stomach cancer...causing lesions on his stomach lining.... in a matter of 3 weeks...my father went from 175 lbs to skin and bones.... on saturday...may 6th at 3:30 in the afternoon..by younger brother kip...called me crying... "you better get here now ...they don't think dad will make it through the night!!" i was on a plane by 5 that evening heading for san antonio.... my brothers picked me up at the airport and took me directly to the hospital...where my mother i stayed by my father's side through the night.. the next day... was my son taylor's 15th birthday... and the day that we all learned...there was nothing they could do...!!! i heard my father laugh...and make jokes that day...he wasn't ready to die... he said..."but i still have things to do" ...all i could think of...was how he never got his canary yellow mercedes...

10 days later... while standing in my classroom...my phone rings... it's my brother.. "he's gone" i will never forget that moment as long as i live... my knees collapsed beneath me...as i fell to the floor....holding the phone to my ear... saying "no...god no.... " two of my students... lifted me to my feet.... i felt the flush of life exit my body... my dad..was gone... there was no bringing him back...there was no earth exploding...there was only a wonderful loving father... husband... man...lying breathless...on his bed...surrounded by his family....

did this man serve no purpose...did his life have no meaning... ? how can anyone say that.. how can anyone take that away from me...from my family...from him....? so what gives my father's life meaning...? he lived a good life....he brought joy to so many... he believed in all 4 of his children.. he never let us down... i can't remember going without food...or no roof over our heads... my father gave a great deal to all of us... my father's life had meaning....to me...to my brother's and sister...and all of his grandchildren...to my mother...his sisters.... it still does in fact have meaning...he gave us all something to carry on for generations and generations to come...

it is impossible for me to believe...life has no meaning... when it has had so much meaning... and whether i'm here tomorrow or not...or the earth explodes or not...i still lived...i still did what i was here to do...i still was a mother...a daughter...a sister... a friend...a teacher... and all the lives i have touched...and all the lives that have touched mine...has given it more meaning that i could ever ever ask for...

i suppose...it is a choice...to live a meaningful life... to love and to be loved... it is..that i am willing to do what i can to love and to give and to make the most of this short time on this earth... i just don't see that the earth exploding someday negates the fact that i lived...i loved... and i laughed.... with meaning....!!!

outdoor attitude...

2009-04-17T05:28:00.000-07:00

adjustment...!!!

spending the day outdoors....playing in the gardens....raking and digging cool moist dirt... clearing and cleaning... planting...bulbs of canna's....gladiola's... clematis... the hosta still sealed in the green plastic bag... gardens of spring...changing day to day.... the tulips and daffodils fade away...while the peonies...and iris... begin to bud... hints of purple and magenta lie within the thick green petals.... waiting...with anticipation... for the ideal combination....of sunshine...rainshine... into intoxicating color... droplets of water... glisten in the early morning sun... color...bursting....with such majestic glory.... the dance of spring..... a silent melody... carefully composed.... in perfect harmony....

as the rain falls.... today...the sun shines tomorrow...another flower blooms.... a smile in my heart....a labor of love..... a day outdoors... awakens me... !!!!

wednesday.....

2009-04-15T18:24:00.000-07:00

april 15th...2009

this morning began...a little out of the ordinary...

my bedroom was dark.... and complete silence...engulfed the room... clean linens... the sun beginning to illuminate the early morning darkness... laying in my bed... 7 or 8...extra cozy pillows.... my trusty alarm clock... a lighted bright bluish green ....6:32... makes me smile... first thought was...i slept in... i slept past 5... everything seemed so different... like waking up in a whole new city... usually the television is still on...along with some other small lighted object...but not today... no lights...no sound...no one but me....

happy...there is enough time to check my email...do the normal morning things... kind of my daily ritual...which changes from time to time... i get bored with doing the same thing over and over again...

i like noise...but last night...for some reason i just didn't want any noise... so off went the television...and the lights... have you ever noticed how lights make noise.....? i always feel like if a light is on...there is something noisy about it.... like i'm not alone...

my laptop...was having minor difficulties....and me being the computer wiz i'm not...i decided to try and correct it myself....HUGE MISTAKE...

i did get through all the normal online reads... before completely screwing the thing up.... then got ready for the day... i suppose...i should have known this would be a day...i will always remember... i should have known... the tingle in my gut...kept getting stronger...almost unbearable....unless you've felt this tingle of knowing...you can't imagine what it's like... the only way to describe it is.... like having really pissed off butterflies.... and the entire time....looking over your shoulder to see what's coming your way.... however... it's not always so easy to see...

around noon....a friend took me to the Oklahoma City Animal Shelter... aka pound... the facility itself is pretty nice...anaseptic...the cats...have nice big rooms... with different cat things to keep them happy... large picture windows...surround each space... a cats dream house... right... well... after passing this lovely cat facility...there is a hall...leading to the dogs....not so nice...area.... not having any idea what i was about to see...never ever being there before... my heart...sank... row after row...of kennels... maybe 3X5 or 6 feet... the dogs... were caged up... some seem to not care...others were barking away... then there were the dogs... who could barely move...

after touring the medium size dog space...we went into the room that housed the large dogs... we walked up and down each isle...making sure we saw each dog... not leaving a single one out... then on the last isle... i saw... something... i could have gone my entire life without seeing.... a white with reddish brown spots...pit bull....covered in what looked like red dirt.... scars and open wounds... his body...convulsing every few seconds... i'm just not cut out for this...sort of stuff... how can...could anyone treat an animal...in such a way...how??? at that very moment... i realized there was no way i could have walked through there alone....gratitude towards my friend swept through me... it was just too much.... tears...flooded my eyes...my cheeks drench with sadness... it was just too much.... my friend...gently placed his hand on my shoulder... comforting me... letting me know... he too cares.... he is there...

at about half past noon we were heading back to the hood.... discussing lunch...when i decided... i wanted to go home...eat some leftover chinese and see if i could shake the pissed off butterflies... and fix my laptop... thanks to the help of a computer wiz friend... his suggestion worked...and i was back in action... only to find out.... a very dear high school friend had passed away saturday... and his service was this morning.... a former classmate sent out a mass email letting us know about Pauls passing....

time...reversed..in my head...and suddenly i was in Paul's faded blue el camino... we were smoking cigarettes...and laughing.... talking about this and that... but mostly just being cool... oh the days.... when everything seemed... like nothing mattered at all.... we were...ready to tackle the world...graduating in a few weeks.... skipping school... excited...soon we would be free forever....

this afternoon....i wanted to do drive straight to northwest classen high school....sit on the front curb...look out over the parking lot...and remember...the kids...the laughter...the cars.... the freedom.... it's funny how losing someone... who you don't know at all now...but at one time... you couldn't imagine life without them...sparks so many thoughts...so many memories...so much sadness.... how... life is... with or without us...

before and after

2009-04-11T08:25:00.001-07:00

mikeC's master bedroom...now....and in the cluttered powder pink before!!!

question...

2009-04-10T07:38:00.000-07:00

if someone smells...like cat pee...would you tell them?

this week...

2009-04-10T04:43:00.001-07:00

has flown by...again!!!

my focus this week has been on mikeC's house.... the master bedroom is almost complete... as he has mentioned on his blog..he's actually sleeping in his bed...and seems to be enjoying it...!!! i must admit this makes me smile...with much happiness!!!

this has been a challenging project... challenging in the way of organization and sensitivity.... fortunately...i planned out how to approach the project...while he is still living in his house... beginning in the back of the house then moving forward... cleaning...clearing...organizing...boxing... throwing away... giving away.... etc...
my son and i cleaned the dining room....it took a couple of days... mike working with us... so we didn't accidentally throw something away that might be of importance... this has been the trickiest part of the project... early on... learning...NOT to throw away anything without running it by mike first... some things are obvious...others not so much...
yesterday...was so so fun for me... in his dining room stands a china cabinet...matching his dining room table and chairs... inside...filled with junk...or so it appeared...covered in dust... and more dust...mixed with layers of cat hair...so... i began removing all the things inside the cabinet...and cleaned it... this is where it got fun.. inside that cabinet...was an amazing assortment of trinkets...representing mikeC's life...his ancestors... incredible... so being the girly girl i am... i cleaned each thing...and carefully arranged all his wonderful treasures..for viewing... there is a violin..his grandfather hand crafted...the bow..the case...there are several hand painted china plates... a vase...pitcher... sugar bowl and creamer...all painted by his mother and grandmother... signed and dated...i found 3 framed floral needle points ... done by his mother... a box of photos dating back to WWI... hand turned wooden bowls... his grandmother collected... election buttons... dating back to cleveland...harding... fdr...teddy... i felt like a kid in a candy store... there were a half dozen framed photographs... the cabinet is a museum of mike's life... this may sound silly... the bedroom was labor intensive...and took a long time to get done... but i felt such a sense of accomplishment... over his china cabinet... i LOVE the china cabinet...!!!

i then began to clear out all the boxes and things i had already prepared in the back room which now needed to be moved in order to begin the re-do...he has boxes and boxes of books... a box full of albums... boxes and boxes of art supplies... an artist dream... trust me...i got wet just going through his art supplies... in this way...mike and i are quite similar... lots and lots of art supplies...!!!

today...the re-do on the back room begins... transforming it from 1980's pink with floral valances.... mauve mini blinds... scraping the ceiling... remove the pink crown molding... and begin to create a magical space for mike... a space...with a big..comfy chair.... shelves filled with his collection of books... new updated window treatments.... freshly painted walls and ceiling...new molding... oh...it will be spectacular...!!!

there is this feeling that comes with accomplishment.... not pride...not success...but something much greater.... it's indescribable...really ... while i'm in the middle of the project...i'm a part of it...it exists within me...and i within it... when it is complete... and i step away...it no longer is a part of me.... it is now... standing on it's own....when i look upon my creation... i'm always...always amazed...at the end result...wondering... where did that come from...it's almost like i had nothing at all to do with it...

my greatest hope is....when i am complete... that mikeC... loves what i have done for him... that when he opens his front door...and sees his home...he loves it... he absolutely loves it...!!!

sanity...insanity....

2009-04-03T06:30:00.000-07:00

drama...craziness... what is the meter that measures... sanity... drama...and craziness....? is it our level of tolerance.... is it childhood memories...haunting us....is it.... ego...or lack there of...is it understanding....or standing in judgment...is it what we decide...what we choose to accept as normal....?

perhaps it is...we don't know any better.... we grow up... in a society....dictating right from wrong... as a woman...it is our duty from birth...to serve... it is written in the letters to Corinth's from Paul... how women are to behave in society...what is and is not acceptable....Woman is to Man as Man is to God....
Corinthians 11
3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

7	For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: Gen. 1.26 but the woman is the glory of the man.
8	For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.
9	Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. Gen. 2.18-23

Corinthians 14

34	¶ Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.
35	And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

as a young married woman..... my father who long ago denied the church... still believed that a woman's job was to serve her husband.... one evening...during a family dinner... i prepared my plate of food....and sat down...when my mother came to me... explaining that my dad was very upset... that i had not prepared my husbands plate first then mine...

upon hearing this...not only was i shocked...but really pissed off... why should i wait on him... i work just as hard...i take care of the home... i cook all the meals...clean the home...do the laundry.... take care of all household finances....and i'm expected to prepare his plate of food before my own....

most women...would probably rather not admit this....that we are subservient...that we are to take care of our men...and everything else at the same time...it's like men just get some free to life ticket...to do as they please...while women...are to be second to them....

today...it's not as prevalent...this subservience... however... it is still there...

just after buying my first home.... a salesman came to my door.....he began his pitch... then he paused...asking if my husband was home...i said there is no husband...immediately the man... said how sorry he was... and how i didn't qualify...because i was a single woman.... basically saying....you're only half a person since you don't have a man... this happened repeatedly... in public...on the phone...when shopping... it was a constant reminder...that because i am a woman...i am incomplete...without a man...

as little girls... we are told...fairy tale after fairy tale...of "happily ever after" i believed this shit... i believed that my prince...in white...would come and rescue me...and take me away... making me his princess... i would ride off...on his white stallion... in my beautiful white gown...

i remember... my brothers always getting special treatment...while my sister and i were expected to clean up after everyone... while they got new clothes and got to play sports...my sister and i wore hand-me-downs...and sat on the side lines...

things have changed...since the 50's and 60's.... as to what a woman is allowed to do... we now teach our daughters...they can do anything they want...they can be anything...they too can have and follow their dreams...we even goes and far as preparing them for all possibilities... however... underneath...all of this preparation...is.."when are you gonna settle down...find yourself a good man...have some children..."

if i've heard it once...i've heard it a million times..."women are crazy".... "women are insane" well... i wonder why...

as a teacher... i saw daily...how mothers coddle their sons... they treat them as though they are precious little angels...while not so with daughters.... rules are different for boys than for girls...all of which are socially acceptable....

it seems to me....that women are raised in our society...believing they are not enough without a man... there is this constant underlying message...that as a woman you must have a man in your life or... your just not good enough...something must be wrong with her... she's crazy...she's insane... but she works really hard...

i suppose the bottom line is....we all just want to be loved...we all just want to feel needed... and that we matter... but it's not always the case... sometimes....our innate desire.... social expectations..dictate...who we are...and what is expected of us...

perhaps it will always be a double standard....that men can do and live as they please....and women will always be crazy...insane...drama queens... why.... because...man says so...!!!!

April Fools....

2009-04-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

my son shouts...laughing so hard..."i got you mom"... after his oscar winning phone call performance...of just having a car wreck... i posted a short version of the dialogue between us on facebook.... which in turn...provoked several responses...from friends... to be honest i was more surprised by the responses than my sons convincing performance....

the phone call couldn't have been more than a minute... but...within that 60 seconds... while listening to him...asking him questions...my mind was racing...with visions of him...trapped inside his car... his arm broken and limp...his face bloody...how to get to him...as quickly as possible... it was as though i was right there by his side... not standing in mikeC's bedroom...watching him remove the closet door... oddly... mike had ZERO reaction...while i was freaking out on the phone... he just continued trying to remove one the doors..asking no questions...even though my voice was filled with fear and concern... my first question to leighton..."are you okay...are you hurt" still nothing...not a peek from inside the closet... nothing... i think mike would have been more concerned if it were my cat ollie or my dog lucy...than one of my sons...

in that minute...i was consumed with a mothers worst nightmare... my child is hurt... my child is scared and alone...my child...that i carried inside me for nine months....birthed naturally... nursed him...held him..comforted him... my baby...was hurt... it's amazing how my mind.... reacts... how calm...i become...in a moment of desperation...total fear... i don't know if all mothers are like this...if we all react the same... but i do know...there is this internal...maternal strength... mothers...have...that can move mountains...that can lift automobiles...that can do and act beyond our own physical strength or knowing...!!!

fortunately...my sons and i have had a great many adventures together.... we have been face to face with more than one life threatening situation... i suppose giving us the advantage...and understanding of how to recover quickly... get through it safely.....this isn't the first time...one of my sons have called... just after an accident....or other not so good situations... over the years i have learned how to deal with them... how to help them....usually they aren't an hour away...and i can get to them within minutes... between the two...there have been at least 5 car wrecks... a half dozen broken bones.... bloody bodies... a dozen or more trips to the emergency room... holding them...witnessing the fear in their eyes... doing what mothers do...

while others seemed angry or irritated by my sons april fools joke... i felt relief... a sigh of thank god...he's not hurt... i even found myself laughing ... saying.."you little shit"... "you little shit" both of us laughing...at his remarkably convincing... joke!!!

i would rather be laughing at the end...then crying... if the truth be known...!!!

i read yesterday....

2009-04-01T04:38:00.000-07:00

that oklahoma is the 16th most unsafe state in the US.... right up there with..new mexico... arkansas....and texas!!!! upon sharing this information with a friend...he told me... he read last week... Forbes magazine has listed oklahoma "43rd" as to the quality of life....there is more... a few months ago the oklahoma gazette wrote an article regarding prescription drug abuse in the US and again... oklahoma was right up there at the top.... don't quote me on this...but if i recall we are in the top 5...if not number "1"...yep.... !!! this is one messed up state... we have a huge problem with teenage suicide as well pregnancy...and isn't the divorce rate above the national average... something like 60%.... ? i have no idea...the percentage of alcoholic okies...but i'm sure... it's devastatingly high...

what causes all this unhappiness?

perhaps there really is a fire breathing dragon...hovering just above us.... !!!

i wish i could go on a happiness crusade... wake the people up in this state.... go on a crime reduction crusade...wake people up in this state.... i wish i had the answers... i wish i could help change the sadness that consumes oklahomans... i wish i could help the misguided...unhappy teenagers...i wish...i could help... married couples considering divorce...i wish i could make a difference... but what i have found is in oklahoma city....people don't like happy people... i've even been told... by a friend... there is a woman who doesn't like me....saying i'm so "OPTIMISTIC" i'm always happy... Whaaaaa ut!!! are you serious... all i could do was laugh... people don't like me because i don't express....my woes all the time... holy bjesus...!!!

saturday night...i met some friends out for a drink... an acquaintance...can't really call her a friend... who just had a baby with a man i consider to be a very very dear person in my life... anyway she... jumped down my throat...screaming at me in public.... for mentioning...."long johns" at her b/f...almost husbands birthday party.... with a great deal of anger and intensity ...she told me how inappropriate it was... OMG...i'm so confused... apparently donuts...are inappropriate... last year for my friends birthday....we got him chocolate covered long johns at 7-11... instead of a birthday cake.... covered one with as many candles as possible.. (his name is john) he laughed so hard.... so when i arrived at the afternoon...birthday potluck...this last january.... i mentioned how i almost brought him "long johns" okay.... really...are you serious...this is inappropriate....? please help me understand ... i just don't get it...!!!

it's almost as though people...try and find a reason...no matter how silly...how ridiculous it is... to be sad or angry.... why?

all of the above...pretty much validates....my previous posts regarding.... oklahoma city... and the sadness....hovering like a fire breathing dragon..growing...rich in the red dirt...blowing across the plains... consuming people in this state... why so sad people... why???

okay....this is what i know... happiness is a state of mind... just like anything else... success... failure...sadness.... we can choose to be happy...or sad....we can choose success...or failure... we can smile and laugh....or sit teary eyed crying the days away... i will admit some sadness is necessary and there are certain things....that happen which cause sadness... no need to name them...we all have our sadness thermometer....

i know in oklahoma...the weather is most unpredictable... from one moment to the next you never know.... if people would just step outside of their cages....the metal four wheel boxes..... and look beyond their noses....they would see an entire world... they would see .....so many colors... so many beautiful things.... that surround them every second of everyday....they would see the stars in the night sky....the moon..waning and waxing....they would smell the scent in the air...just before the rain falls....the temp dropping...30 degrees within minutes.... they would see... the family next door.... see the children jumping on trampolines...or racing their bicycles...as fast as they can.... they would see so much to explore...find so much to feel...

as i love my home....this city... it has become more apparent to me... i can no longer stay here... i can no longer live in a city...which is consumed by sadness.... unhappiness.... the thing is... we have so much here....we have big houses...and cars to drive...we have grocery stores...filled with food to eat...we have schools to educate our children....ourselves.... we have washing machines and clothes dryers....we have wonderful restaurants.... to sit and eat...we have a wonderfully diverse community... filled with people from all around the world.... we have stories to tell... families....and lovers...we have children... and parents....we have shoes to wear... we have television...and music to hear.... we have so so much.... but it just doesn't seem enough... if we all took a second... to look left...then right....smell the newly blossomed flower.... looked up to see the birds....nesting in the trees...flying in our sky.... breathe in...all the glory...the sunrise...the sunset....drink the happiness... have some sex.... hug a friend..... break out the bubbles.... skip in water puddles....squish your toes in cold mushy mud.... dance in the rain... sing as loud as you can.... laugh a little... love a lot.... happiness...is right there in front of you... it's waiting...for us all....it's calling out your name.... it wants you to dive in.... and enjoy life..... it wants you to embrace....all you can...and never ever give up hope.... blow a kiss.... laugh at your mistakes.... learn to live.... learn to smile...learn to listen... live a little...live a lot....

life is.....

2009-03-31T07:35:00.001-07:00

good...

the lilies have broken ground...!!!

mikeC's gardens are blossoming reds yellows...and violet...!!!

japanese maple... red feather like leaves....

tulips and daffodils...

pansies please....

butterfly bush...laced with purple and spring green!!!

most thankful...for this wonderful day...that lies ahead...filled with love and light...and the scent of spring.......!!!!

intuition....is

2009-03-30T04:07:00.000-07:00

a powerful tool.... and at the same time...a haunting tool... knowing without knowing.... feeling it but not quite able to pinpoint... exactly what i'm feeling.... sometimes it's so strong...and has a name... attached to it... others.... just a feeling... raising my heart rate...the rhythm of my breath accelerates.... turning away....not wanting to listen...to know what i feel is right....wanting it to be wrong... the thing is....it's never ever wrong... it's always right... with this comes a paradox... i've learned to accept as part of my journey...

it's like someone saying..."i love you" and then a second later....hitting you so hard...you fall to your knees... in shock and pain... it has long been my belief...that "actions speak louder than words..." time and time again... this has been proven... and since...95% of communication is not the spoken word... my belief is more accurate than not...

upon my return from costa rica... i have been hiding out at my house... only spending time with my sons...and a few friends... for fear of losing this incredible happiness.... for fear that all the unhappiness....all the sadness....most people i know here...are consumed with...could somehow... take it away....or they would do whatever it took to squelch it... the moment of my return... i could feel the sadness hovering over the city.... just above the street lights... there it was... like a giant fire breathing dragon... ready to sweep down.... and suck from me all the beauty i had found... all the happiness...i had absorbed....the hope and magic... deep inside my soul....

i feel like costa rica happened for a reason... it wasn't just because... it had purpose and meaning... i stepped outside the velvet rut....and walked upon the light of happiness... i found something there...i had long lost... the sense of real...what life is about... why i am here... feeling hope... and adventure.... knowing there is more to this life....than what i have been living... there is so much good in this world...so much love...and kindness.... in every single petal of every single flower... is the truth....in every shade of blue....of green...there lies...magical powers... in my moment of weakness....i turned away...from everything i knew...i turned my back...gave up on hope... gave up on myself... the possibility of this life... in a moment of weakness....i shed a tear...for all i have loved...and all i have lost....in a moment of strength....i remembered... so much...so much more than i ever remembered before...

this life has been good to me.... oh...yes there are days...when i feel i am drowning... in a toxic pool of crap.... but inside me...flickers....a flame of hope.... dancing about.....filling me up....letting it rise and sing....the song of life... i'm just beginning....to build again...to find my dreams.... to walk away from anger...and sadness.... to smile upon my neighbor.... to speak....kindly... to share...openly....to welcome...love... to be... alive...

intuition... reveals the truth of things... without words... it's just in the gut... the heart... it can be protective...it can keep me from danger... but most importantly...i know before you say the words... before... it actually happens... i know!!!

a taste of color

2009-03-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

tamarindo and golfito flowers just outside my rooms

tamarindo.... beauty....

i had completely....

2009-03-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

forgotten about this blog.... until yesterday when i was asked if i had blogged about my holiday.... suddenly there it was....pretty in pink.... and thought nope... said no... no i haven't... realizing... this blog had become no longer a part of my daily world... i had even forgotten about mikeC's blog... and the few others i read on occasion...

after my failed attempt to move to italy a year or so ago...i decided to not talk about any of my plans publicly...only to my closest friends...and my sons... trying to explain why things don't work out...the way we plan...is much too difficult....especially when we don't understand why ourselves...

i find myself lost in oklahoma city... the attitude here is so different than the attitude in costa rica... one of the most obvious differences is...happiness...not that kind of happiness one finds here... with the big houses...big cars...fancy clothes... who you know....where you go... it's more the kind of happiness that just lies within the soul.... the kind that has hope....and smiles... the kind of happiness that doesn't hurt... it just feels like being alive... the happiness was more from the costa rican people... walking barefoot...hustling about here and there... happy to be where they are...living with very little.... shoes seem to be more novelty than normal attire.... and the smiles...were everywhere!!!

for weeks and weeks i've been telling mikeC....i want a muse.... a lover.... that fills me with excitement...passion and energy.... wanting to be alive...wanting to be creative.... then i realized...i found my muse... in the jungle....on the beaches....at sunrise...at sunset...sitting quietly...overlooking the beauty that surrounded me...the peaceful sounds of toucans and macaws high above me.... caressing the canopy of trees..... the shades of magenta...yellow... blue.... greens and reds.... even during dry season....costa rica holds a majestic beauty....that seeps into your soul....intoxicating..... waking everyday....to singing birds... the windows open....the scent of plumeria... palms like i've never seen.... the strong wind blows..... covering my skin...with a welcome layer....of sandy salty mist.... i couldn't close my eyes....i couldn't stop listening... smelling... the never ending sound of laughter filled the air.... nothing seemed to bother me... or irritate me... life just felt....like life...like i embody...the true meaning of life... every morning sitting outside... either on the beach...or the balcony of my room...writing...documenting....ink the shade of ocean blue... looking up...to see the metallic...blue green and black humming bird....sucking nectar from the pink blossoms....just a few feet away... the monkey's huddled up in the trees.... the ocean waves crashing... time released...one after the other.... the soft rustle of the palms swaying in the breeze... and then i smile... raise my arms to the heavens...thankful for this magical moment....this sun beating down upon me.... this life... this day... this gift....

the truth is....i didn't want to come back here... not yet anyway.... i don't want to feel the sadness that floats just above the velvet rut.... the red dirt... the cars racing about on the roadways.... everything so perfect...buildings rising.... stars faded from the city lights.... i loved the sound of the water...trickling down the rock walls... created eons ago.... the camouflage tree trunks... the clear blue sky.... the taste of fresh coconut.... fallen from the tree.... i didn't want to come back to everything...planted in perfect rows... to the more we have the richer we are.... i loved the simplicity...of walking on the beach....the seashells....washed upon the shore during high tide... the sand...seeping away below my feet as the current returns to the ocean.... leaving...no trace of having been there... the change of every movement of water.... the constant...flow of energy.... the beauty....the incredible beauty...

the project

2009-03-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

mikeC's....master bedroom

before....powder pink...

after....

light khaki .....

the room looks completely different... today the trim will be painted...it's all sanded and ready to go...

a few finishing touches....and he will be sleeping in his new... bedroom....

for a while...

2009-03-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

i really enjoyed this blog thing... for some reason it's lost its luster...and i haven't really felt like writing... interestingly....every morning... i go to my blog...with the intent to write... sit and stare at the blank page...waiting for the words.... the thoughts to come...but nothing happens... nothing i care to write anyway....
i do have good news... my sons are both here...with me... and there's nothing better in this world then having my sons....home again....
leighton has found love... and is very happy...spending most of his free time with her... she's a doll and i couldn't be more elated... seeing him...filled with joy...love....and the confusion of first loves...
taylor...is figuring out life stuff...what to do next... and how to get there.... confusion of life....

mikeC's master bedroom is almost complete....

that's about it....

on this day...i give thanks for all things...possible...for hopes and dreams...for believing in love and happiness... i am most grateful for this day....and all the beauty it beholds....

progress....is a good thing...it

2009-03-10T04:11:00.001-07:00

appears...after days and days...of plugging along.... working and working... with little visual results...!!! then suddenly...there it is...that light...that wonderful...beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.....that just hours before...seemed so dim...and so far away....

my son, taylor worked with me on mc's home redo project yesterday... amazing progress... !!! even though we got a late start we managed to get a great deal done... before heading to mc's..there were things around our house that needed attention... as well the daylight savings time has me all twisted in time.... i am shocked by the amount of work accomplished in a few short hours with two people.... it's more than double....seriously....taylor helped mike remove the old ceiling fan.....taking all of 10 minutes.....a must do before completing the ceiling texture..... we also broke down...mike's bed and moved it into the hall...

taylor and i work so well together... there is a ....connection...as to the way we work and think... one of those very cool comfortable... never irritating work partners....and with the sort of work i do...having someone...who gets it...is essential... so many people.... i have to spend hours... explaining every step of the way....not him... he just follows my lead...then takes over... very few questions... very few interruptions.... excellent...!!!! while taylor painted the first coat of color on the walls...i finished the ceiling texture....then together we knocked out the last few feet of painting... never ever getting in each others way.... we also...did a bit of garden weed removal... cleaned all the tools... a must in my book...

i was shocked to see it was almost 5:30...when we finished up.... time just flew... with so much progress taylor and i.... left mc's house feeling accomplished.... there is no way i could have gotten so much done... alone... taylor made a huge difference... today.... i can get the ceiling painted... the second coat on the walls... if time allows...i can get the woodwork done....

very very soon...mc...will be waking in his newly updated... masculine decorated...with a touch of softness...bedroom....!!!

out of the corner of...

2009-03-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

my eye....i see the flame dancing.... !!!

warm my heart....make me giggle... quiver with joy....at another persons happiness..... oh...the bright shine....of the heart...glows...glistens....love all around... i see it in his eyes.... in his step... the bounce of love... infatuation...

i dream.....
of the ocean.... sound of the waves... feel the sandy mist upon my face... sunset surprise... the first star in the night sky.... walking barefoot... in thick green grass.... soft and moist...tickle me pretty.... scent spring...shower....intoxicating.... let me fly....let my soar....let me love....all i adore...

a new day....awakens... possibility prevails...opportunity invitation.... take my hand...lead the way... believe...believe... in all living things...in all the stars....the penny wishes.... pond fish...swimming... orange and gold....koi...me up to the sky.... birds with fins.... cars with wings... east west..... beginning...to close.... spring.... teases... sneak previews.... rebirth... red belly robin...gift of hope....whistling the morning song.... iris oh iris.... bloom for me... purple petals...fall gently.... drink the sun.... breathe deep.... and deeper... today's smile...is for you...is for me... is for the new love... the old friend.... the mother the father... brothers and sisters....

i ask for forgiveness...for understanding... i give thanks for visions... for dreams... and hope... i give thanks for the laughter... dancing with friends....the young woman's story... hold me tight... never let me go....you have always...been in my dreams.... i fell in love...over and over... a walked on water...i touch the sky...i lived in the forest....flew with the fairies....i am all that i am...and much much more....i ask for your love... your strength and guidance.... i stand in humility....in ahh of creation....evolution...the man who stood one point five million years ago.... i am.... thankful for this day.... my new printer ink.... the hug the memories.... and all that can be....

sometimes we just

2009-03-07T17:03:00.000-08:00

have to say "when"..... cut our losses and move on....!! a friend advised me today....to "just let go" of a particular situation.... after pondering this advice for a few minutes... it occurred to me... i don't really understand letting go... there is also the old saying...."forgive and forget".... all of this is easier said than done... to forgive...is actually quite easy...but to forget...not so much.... "letting go" is another easier said than done....

when someone....lashes out...deliberately....saying things to hurt another... it's just not so easy to "just let go".... in my mind....it is....words hurt...they never ever go away...once they are uttered...they are permanent... there is no taking them back...there is no...forgetting... the words have forever altered the relationship.... break my bones...they do heal...break my heart...it will mend... but words...they are always...always...there....

it's okay to be angry...to know ones own limits.... as a dear friend once said to me many years ago...we teach others how to treat us.... and if we allow them to treat us unkind...it is no ones fault but our own..... we have taught them we accept their cruelty...and it's okay for them to hurt us....

it's not okay...and it's not easy to say...i let go....i forget.... time heals...and that's the only real medicine...for some things.... time... helps the hurt...lesson...it helps the words fade... into the shadows....of another day.... it helps me to remember....be careful what you say... be careful how you say it...be honest when you do... because those words....can some day...come back and haunt you...

sometimes...i forget...

2009-03-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

just how blessed i am... life throws those silly curve balls...that get me off track occasionally...but when i really think about my life...the people in it...i am incredibly blessed... !!!

i just got invited to go to momentum tonight with my cousin...and her daughter.... hope...wow...how great is that!!!

okay...really this story begins...yesterday morning...the warm weather...tickling...my fancy.... starting off... feeling a little hungover...from the barfing flu bug wednesday...not fun...... making the decision...i was going to feel good...whether i did or not.... mind of matter... really does work...

the only real plan for the day....was a lunch date at 11:30 a.m...... and to go check on my friend Val..... he had called me tuesday night...sounding very weak...and asked me for help...just before i was headed his way...he called back and said it was getting late and he was tired...so wait until tomorrow...... i tried calling him a couple of times.... on wednesday.... but the constant dashes to the porcelain goddess... prevented me from making the 20 minute drive south...to check on him....then yesterday...after two more unanswered phone calls...i began to really worry.....val usually returns my calls within an hour or so.... mara offered to go with me....i did not want to go alone...for fear of what i might find.... i have a key to his place....so getting in wouldn't be a problem....fortunately... when we got to his place...his car was gone...and two of his neighbors said he had just left...and seemed to be okay.... needless to say... i sighed with relief....and felt the tears...burn a bit... thank god....Val finally returned my call....just after we left his house...he sounded in good spirits...and strong.... he only has one or two good days a month now.... and spends most of his time at home...resting or at the hospital....

after finding val...okay....mara and i returned to the red cup...just in time for me to get to flip's only a few minutes late... scott and i sat outside on the patio...enjoying the warm sunshine and the good ole oklahoma wind... we chatted about this and that...he brought me a beautiful candle...made with olive oil...and a bottle of wine for my birthday.... so extra sweet...love it... he had a flight to catch so we hugged and said our goodbyes.... then off to sauced to meet mikeC... i refused to spend my day inside yesterday.... upper 80's...no way... eventually we were joined by skip...lauren and a few other folks...enjoying the warm afternoon sunshine...

by sunset...sauced patio was packed....people were out and about... enjoying the warm evening air... it was absolutely wonderful...and mikeC...in rare form... larryP.. entertaining the troops...jin dressed in biker chick wear.... caitlin...sexy and smiling...cristin... cute as ever....klint...actually happy....hugs from titi...a chat with joe mills...
a wonderful....perfect...thankful..... thursday.... love it....

another sun filled day... is waiting...and i'm ready to grab it...all of it....

how small we really

2009-02-27T05:30:00.000-08:00

are......

not just in our size....but in the whole scheme of things...

an image of a footprint dating 1.5 million years ago....was released february 26th 2009....

not only are we presented with 1.5 million year old footprints... the following is absolutely mind boggling....

incredibly fascinating... and overwhelming at the same time... i can't really wrap my brain around this one...

scientists...astronomers have provided us with a rare image of the "Eye of God".... this phenomenon occurs from the release of gases and dust...700 light years away.... " A light year is equal to exactly 9,460,730,472,580.8 km" almost 10 trillion kilometers.... so at 700 light years.... it would be 6,622,511,330,806,560. km....away...
over 6 quadrillion km

i don't think i've ever thought of things in trillions....billions maybe...but trillions and now quadrillions...!!!

i've always heard the term "light year" however i never really knew the distance or the measurement of a light year.... amazing.... now...i do..!!!

magical moments....

2009-02-26T05:33:00.000-08:00

happen when we least expect it..... we experience...life.... sometimes...in slow motion...others... so fast we hardly realize we were a part of it... dream like... floating outside our body.... above the blessed temple... captivated...

working on the remodel...or redecorating of mikeC's house has progressed slowly....each day... more change...more work... approaching the project artistically... laying texture to perfection... yesterdays... goal was to get the ceiling scraped...the old blown on...popcorn or acoustic...texture removed... most unappealing... and messy...a must do... i have a vision for mikeC's master bedroom... so it is...time consuming....to get it exactly as i envision it... the texture..has taken me longer than expected....in my defence... i had a minor...physical interruption.... keeping me from work for a few days...
scraping the ceiling.... was a little more strenuous than expected... first....dousing the ceiling with water...using a manual pump sprayer.... after letting it soak in...for about 15 minutes...i began the grueling...task of scraping....scraping...and more scraping... some of the texture came off with ease....and some....felt like scraping concrete.... standing on a ladder.... arms over head... with the scraping tool.... most likely designed for floors.... it is somewhat heavy.... for long stretches of overhead use.... after about 30 minutes...of pushing and scraping... i took a break...

the sun had come out...the temp had risen.... perfectly beautiful...day....

i walked around to mikeC's back yard....my new favorite... pomegranate cherry water in hand... laid down on the edge of his deck....soaking in the sun.... a few minutes later....mikeC....joined me.... handing me an apple.... i lay there a few more minutes...eyes closed....basking .... when i sat up... mike announced...."there's cocoa.." as i looked around the corner...towards the north...i saw her in his driveway... the sun... reflecting...her shiny chocolate brown coat....thin body....ribs visible.... without thought.... i called out to her... "cocoa come here baby"....gently slapping my leg... upon my invitation....she turned and looked....her tail wagging... walking 5 or 6 feet toward me....then pausing...again i called to her... then again....and again... as she came closer and closer... stopping just a few feet away....most cautious... her belly showed signs of recently having pups... slowly she made her way to me.... talking to her...soft and sweet...lifting my hand to her nose....gently rubbing her head....down her back....mike...left me alone with cocoa while he went inside to get her food... she ate every single piece of dried cat food like she hadn't eaten in weeks..... she let me love on her.... talk to her.... she trusted me...

cocoa....has not had a pretty life....her owners abuse her.... mike has tried on a number of occasions to rescue her....

i have a deep deep fear of pit bulls.... a 30 year fear.... when mike left me alone with her...i felt the sense of fear...building inside me.... consciously i was not afraid...but subconsciously...i was terrified.... fear for me begins...in the middle of my gut...piercing....slowly....spreading throughout my body....causing my skin to tingle....my hands to shake... and sweat....

dogs smell fear...i've always been told... while my fear...was salient....at the same time...so was hers... cocoa fears humans....as i fear pits... for a brief moment...a magical moment... she trusted me... i trusted her....

i didn't leave that moment without fear...it was still there... i did leave that moment.....feeling something greater than myself.... hoping the next time i meet cocoa... the fear subsides....and our trust in one another..prevails.... a new friend... a new understanding...

on this first day of my 51st year....i celebrate.....captivating experiences... love and light.... and gratitude....for magical moments....

my last day....

2009-02-25T05:02:00.000-08:00

to be the big 5-oh... time....time....time....flies by...at warp speed.... only yesterday... 365 yesterdays ago... i turned 50....(leap year) so excited... feeling a rite of passage...into a new woman.... being 50 has been incredibly fulfilling..... i love saying... "i'm 50".... along with the response of "NO WAY" .... only one birthday...digit change...bothered me...26...my golden birthday... in my mind... that birthday....represented ....the crossing over....from kid-hood...to adult-hood... no longer could i really get away with childish.... behaviors...or actions... it was time to grow up... leave behind the precious years of youth... at that time i had been married for 3 1/2 years....owned a home... had a job... playing house... living life as an adult...just didn't really feel like one...

now....25 years later....

my life is more like that of a 21 year old... it's like starting from the beginning...with some added shit....i have very little responsibilities... my sons are grown... i'm not married...it's just me...doing whatever i please when i please... no one to take care of... or...making sure homework is done....or... mouths to feed... all the things that occupied 20 some odd years of my life... the only real difference in being 50 almost 51...and 21...is.... expectations of others...

so as bid farewell...to the big 5-oh.... it is with a bit of sadness....and at the same time a mountain of gratitude.... i have learned so much.... i have felt the rite of passage... in so many ways... things that used to be of importance to me...are no longer important.... i don't rush...and panic...i don't freak out over the silliest things... i'm not exhausted all the time....scrambling for an extra hour in the day...to get everything done... i find myself...more introspective...understanding...and grateful... it's been incredible....

tomorrow...begins a new journey... a new year... a new chapter....in my life.... a goal oriented... focused...and meditative chapter.... the beginning of....I CHOOSE... to do this or that.... ....setting in motion a path in which I CHOOSE to follow... making changes... resolutions.... following my dreams....my heart....filling my world with happy love filled people.... resurrecting... my creative energy...manifest...a beautiful reality....

my new life.... begins with...

deliberate.... happiness.... love and light...

the last few weeks....i have grown...and learned so much... as difficult as some lessons are... they are lessons....worth learning.... a smile...stretches....from ear to ear....heart felt resolution... clearing the way for new discoveries.... wonderful experiences... a life of love and joy... saying good bye...to a lot of not so good stuff... and hello to the yummiest of yummies...

i am most grateful...for my sons....sending them both love and light through the power of the holy spirit.... i am most grateful for strength within...to get up and do it again...for the love that surrounds me... the clarity that engulfs me.... the knowledge...and wisdom...that escapes me... my friends....god thank you for my friends....mikeC...Jming special mention... thank you for my family....cousin kimmy and calvin...
thank you for...this lovely day...filled with magical...moments...

what a

2009-02-24T16:34:00.000-08:00

beautiful beautiful day....!!! new hair...new understandings.... i choose... i make the choice.....
love that...so so much...

accept me for who i am....and not for who you want me to be....
do not waste another second... trying to fix...correct.... or alter me....
it won't be that easy....
i choose to be me...
silly...unorthodox... out of the ordinary... crazy.... lovely...kind....caring... motivating... encouraging... creative.... curious.... outdoorsy.... colorful....giggly... playful... beautiful.... impractical....practical... idealistically unrealistic...helpful....empathetic...sympathetic... understanding.... strong... fearless....amazing...ME!!!

oh...i do like this... i do....

i find myself....

2009-02-24T03:22:00.000-08:00

wanting to retreat from the world.... give no cause...or reason of mention... assumption this... accusation that... it seems there are so many...who have nothing better to do with their days...but find reasons...to make others feel bad...or cause hurt or pain....slinging words of so called wisdom...... who am i...to say he/she...is...did... ? when... what i know is 3rd party information...or rumor mill...grapevine...gossip....with very little truth or knowledge...

i want to believe...there is love.... to know there is purpose.... if i keep trying... the more i grow...evolve ... somewhere along the line...to this day...in time....i forgot...what it was to try....to give a damn about anything... becoming more and more aware...there are only a handful of people...who really care... who... listen to our words... look into our eyes...and see who we really are... the essence of human life... illuminated....in every color... the good.. the bad... the ugly...the beautiful.... sometimes i wish i could be invisible... to not be the target of assumption.... to not hear....words of destruction... stealing the spirit of a life... not of your own... what is this arrogance...that walks the same streets as i....who are these people who criticize... dismantle another persons world...or claim they know more.... who are these people who imply they are friends... or they care...when all they do...is destroy.... they take and take...they hurt and hurt... under the disguise...of meaning well....

every now and then....getting caught up in the latest gossip.... he did...she did...can you believe... guess what i heard... excusing myself upon repeating....saying...don't repeat this....because... or don't quote me on that...because.... and then...after the words spill from my lips... remorse engulfs me... for being so stupid...for allowing myself to act in a way.... i despise... gossip destructive.. hurtful... gossip.... did i really just fall for that....?

from this day forward....i will remember....that he...she is human... that they too deserve love... and light...to be more aware of the words escaping my lips... take time....to listen...to look into their eyes...to understand...support....lend a helping hand.... to give of myself unto others...to be true...honest...loving....kind...caring...supportive.... non judgmental....to remember... each person i encounter has their own story....their own purpose...their own love.... and it is not my right... to in anyway....take from that human life....

i give thanks this morning...for my sons....my family...my friends... for this life... granted to me...so generously... i give thanks....for the lives before me and those to follow.... i give thanks for the love that fills my heart... for all the beauty...surrounding me...

my cat.....

2009-02-23T04:43:00.001-08:00

oliver....has been with me...for just over 16 years..... my sons brought him home to me in october of 1992...ollie was a few months old then... i never met the tiny....kitten ollie.... taylor and leighton.... gave me ollie to help....with the loss of my mcduff....the cutest little westie....he had been with me since i was 19.... 14 years.... his death....devastated me.... however this is not a story about mcduff... it's a story about oliver...

oliver now.....old and thin.... was at one time.... the most beautiful blue hair cat.... he's a large cat compared to most.... standing with such majesty....ruling every neighborhood we have lived in.... ollie is and extraordinary feline... he's the indoor outdoor sort... until recently...ollie only came inside...for short little visits.... however.....he rarely goes outside these days.... only when the sun is warm....and he takes short little walks....then back inside...to his most comfy perch....where he can look out the window....

i'm not sure how cats operate in the cat community.... however....frequently there are cats...sitting on my porch... as if they miss their old friend....wanting him to come out and play.... or hunt.....or stalk...or whatever cats do.... but ollie...no longer seems to be interested in his night prowling... his feline friends....of 85th street...

he's not the cat from just a few months ago.... he seems tired....and not interested in much....and he even acts like he likes me... hopping up on my bed.... demanding a petting session... with a loud...and constant meow....until i finally nudge him....a gentle nudge...on his head.....then softly run my hand down his back....while he stretches....his body....his tail wrinkling....with joy.... i must admit...it's difficult to pet him....and feel his bones.... he was once so full so slick....so shiny and strong....

ollie walks...slowly...through the house.... meowing...as loud as any cat can.... he's actually known for this.... his loud..... meow.....meow....meow....talking to whoever is standing near.... he has always preferred males over females.... so when a man enters... ollie immediately yet gracefully.... makes his way to the male visitor....demanding attention.... rubbing his body on their leg...or meowing at them like the male visitor understands feline communication!!

ollie is not a people cat really....he prefers...people contact on his own terms and when he wants it....there is no hushing him....until he gets exactly what...he is.... meowing about.... well last night... he did this in true ollie form....

while leighton and i were watching the oscars.... ollie didn't seem a bit interested in us.... i rarely watch the oscars....if i remember....the last time i watched the oscars was when angleica houston won for pritzi's honor.... i don't recall who she was up against....however after that....it occurred to me...the oscars were rigged... so i have for the most part boycotted the oscars all these years.... for some reason....well one particular reason i decided...to watch... i'm not much of a movie goer....however i have seen a great many films...it's one of my passions.... needless to say....not a single film nominated in any category have i seen.... with the exception...of "pineapple express" was it nominated? one funny film....

anyway.... when the news of heath ledger's accidental overdose...hit the air ways... i was shocked...and saddened.... an odd reaction for me.... i didn't know the guy.... nevertheless.... it really got to me.... i have not been able to bring myself to watch his portrayal of the joker... so i have not seen the film.... interestingly....his portrayal of the joker....has been talked about since the day of the films release.... i have heard over and over again...that heath ledger is amazing as the joker.... as well i have not heard a single mention....of any other actor nominated last night.... so when his name was announced as the winner of the best...supporting actor....i actually screamed.... YES!!! over joyed by this deserved award...and actually being recognized as such...thrilled me..... the entire Kodak theater fell silent as his parents and sister.... began to thank the academy....and speak on heath ledger's behalf.... at that very moment.....when all was silent...the most moving moment of the oscars....oliver... decides he needs some attention...and he wants it now.... not one minute before the acceptance speech did ollie make a sound...then....right when daddy ledger...began....so did ollie... he meowed as loud and as obnoxious as he could through.. dad...mom and sister....as soon as it was over...ollie hopped off the bed and went to his comfy perch in the living room....not to be heard from again...until this morning at 4:30....

and that's my ollie story.... love him... so so much....but holy bjesus....why then...why couldn't he do that when ben stiller was on stage...or during a commercial.... any other time would have been just fine...and probably gone unnoticed.... ha....here's to cat humor.... i think he totally got me on that one....

spirit guide....

2009-02-20T03:40:00.000-08:00

sage brushing.... clearing away unwanted energies...the scent rises....intoxicating... i drift away... casting its magical spell.... medicine woman....gently smudges....frankincense and rose oil... crossing....one over the other...onto my skin..... whispering....find the light...the white light....inside your heart....let it expand... feel the light grow within you... let it surround you...as a light of violet..begins to flicker....low in the spine...rising up...one vertebrae at a time... feel it...see it...making its way.....above you...a misty halo of violet.....hovering overhead..... feathers of brown...black and white....woven together........sweeping sage smoke...all around.... sending away....the darkness.....welcoming in a new day....

as spring....slowly....

2009-02-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

begins to show signs of its arrival.... i feel the rebirth bursting ....bright colors...sunshine warming the earth.... the garden...of labor.... sweat and blood.... covered....thick...with autumns debris...crisp leaves of brown...red.... lay...loosely.... surrounding each...plant... providing protection from winters wrath... taking a break... within the walls....plaster covered hands.... the sun calls to me.... kneeling...down to greet....springs growth... bulbs carefully placed beneath the dirt....emerging...with such strength... in every shade of green...reaching over....to clear...the death...breathe... breathe....the tear...slips away...falling onto.... a new...day...of daffodil...sunshine....

simple pleasures... reassurance... of life...love...the most precious.... things...come in the most simple packages.... smile... smile...mike joins me... as he feels the earths call.... pulling unwelcome weeds... bright rich green laced violet....wet... and supple... uncovering.... the new...the rebirth....his gardens awaken.... as spring...slowly...begins to show signs of its arrival...

carbon dioxide.....

2009-02-18T05:23:00.000-08:00

research this morning has my mind a thinking....according to wikipedia...

Global fossil carbon emissions 1800 – 2004.
Burning fossil fuels such as coal and petroleum is the leading cause of increased anthropogenic CO2; deforestation is the second major cause. As of 2004[update], around 27 gigatonnes of CO2 are released from fossil fuels per year worldwide, equivalent to about 7.4 gigatonnes of carbon (see List of countries by carbon dioxide emissions); in 2006 8.4 gigatonnes carbon were emitted [1]. With some simple calculations based on the surface area of the Earth, normal atmospheric pressure, and an estimate of roughly 400ppmv atmospheric CO2 content one can calculate that the atmospheric CO2 content is currently approximately 3 teratonnes.

simple solution if you ask me.... burn less fossil fuels...and stop cutting down the trees...!!!

okay....this one really gets me.... why are we bailing out Bank of America.... honestly.... my experience with BOA (Bank of America)....is they could give a flying banana peel about their patrons... BOA...banking tricks....explained to me..by a BOA employee.....just before i closed my account with them..over 3 years ago....is .... they add up all the checks that come in...and if collectively it is over your balance...they charge an overdraft fee for all the checks... instead of paying the checks your account will cover.....example: if you have $100.00 in your account...and 3 checks come in totaling $100.01... instead of paying the checks that your account will cover...they add the total amount...charge an overdraft fee (at that time $33.00 per check) for all 3 checks causing your account to go into a $99.00 deficit....

in our state we have several locally owned and operated banks with integrity....why not pull your money from the major conglomerates and put it in local banks that give a damn about you... your family...money and our state..... my personal experience with "BancFirst" a state owned and operated bank is top notch.. even though i am not on the high end of the financial world.....they have always treated me with integrity and have been more than fair.....they offer most all the benefits the large national banks have and BancFirst doesn't cheat you out of your money just to make a buck.... another thing that i have never experienced with BancFirst which was common practice of BOA...is they do not announce your balance over the intercom at the drive through...which happened to me on several occasions with BOA....

i'm just saying....another simple solution... support state owned banks and businesses....

in Oklahoma there is a new campaign to support local business owners....so why not start with the banking industry.... if we create a strong local economy....wouldn't it resonate...nationally... who needs BOA....or AIG... when there are wonderful locally owned legitimate alternatives with integrity....

i believe it's time to stand up and say no more....let's get back to the basics...keep it at home.... help our state and the people who live in it..... !!! let's take back....what belongs to us...and stop giving it to those who waste and destroy....

SUPPORT State of OKLAHOMA businesses...

my current project.....

2009-02-12T06:38:00.000-08:00

master bedroom.... taped off....preparing for texture and painting....

powder pink will soon be gone!!

and the texture begins.... cleaning up the walls... smoothing out the surface....!!!

just after the first round of clean up and clear out....
139 lbs of laundry...
6 to 8 bags of clothing donated
5 bags of trash....

this is now gone..and the room cleared and cleaned only the bed remains!!!

2009-02-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

experimenting with adding images....

the old mans face....appears...withered and worn...

red rock canyon... blue green water....vines fallen...

one bad ass day....basking in the sun....

twisted...texture

2009-02-10T13:27:00.000-08:00

illumination dance....

last night...

2009-02-07T06:14:00.000-08:00

while putting together a new little home accessory... a rather simple project in comparison to most i tackle... a few bolts here and there....metal stand....glass bowl...water... light...plug in.... well....sometimes.....i should not be allowed to use tools...or for that matter.... a knife...as a screw driver... yep...i slipped...and sliced my right index finger.... a few layers of skin...flapping... blood everywhere... how is it...this tiny little cut.. less than a quarter of inch...can bleed...like a faucet... holy shit... blood is everywhere...drip drip....i never quite know what to do just after injuring myself.... this time was no different.... while....trying to decide the best solution....i hung my finger over the toilet watching the blood...pour from the tiny cut......called my friend who was on his way over... telling him...i just cut my finger....knowing me like he does....he laughed...and said i'll be right there.... by the time he arrived.... i had bloodied up two bathrooms...the master...then the one in the hall....where all my medical supplies are... two towels... a roll of toilet paper.... an entire spool of waterproof adhesive tape.... a bit of pressure... i finally got the bleeding to stop.... the good news is...i didn't let the cut stop me from completing my project.... which i enjoyed all through the night... a mystical misty.... lighted...water fountain.... in my bedroom...temporarily...placed in the middle of the room...

the first time i saw a mist fountain was well over a year ago.... at a cool little gift shop.."mikes" in downtown durango.... i wanted one so bad... some might consider it a bit cheesy...but i loved it.... anyway...here it is more than a year later.... and yesterday....i finally got one...

i love multipurpose....accessories... not only is it aesthetically pleasing....it also provides... humidity....softening the dry winter air.... i can't stop looking at it...as the light goes from blue... to indigo....violet...into red...

this week mikeC's master bedroom has been my major project....finally getting it completely cleared out...with the exception of his bed.... and cleaned.... i taped off...the base boards.... the window and door molding...laid...3' brown paper covering the inside parameter floors ... secured with blue tape.... began...laying a light layer of texture mud...on the walls... which are currently 70's style stipple.... with several bad patch jobs....cracks...and pail pink paint..... so far...it's coming together nicely..... the room is relatively small... 14' by 14' maybe... with two doors...one on the south wall and another on the north...three windows on the the east wall....and a closet on the west... the biggest challenge is the high ceilings.... the trim is old school.... my favorite....1"X6" baseboards....arts and crafts style.....mike and i went to Lowe's...a few days ago...and bought him a really nice 6' ladder for me to use....one that holds up to 300 lbs... in a few hours i textured about 8' of wall 6' high.... taping off the room took a bit longer than expected...it's that perfectionist thing.....so today...i am in hopes of getting all the texture done.... then tomorrow paint... honestly .... i am so excited about this project... i can't wait to see the outcome.... my plan is to make it as mikeC as possible... using earth tones...rich...and subtle.... anyone that knows him....will totally get my vision.... deep brown reds.... mustardy golds...muddy greens and browns...several....textile textures....chenile....organdy... silk....linen...cotton... canvas....brocades and velvets....

recollection...the day behind....

2009-02-05T22:41:00.000-08:00

it all began...around 8 this morning.... dress appropriate....for a long winters hike...on a warm winters day...jumped in the shower.... wake up the skin...hot water...rinsing off the night...the day before.... threw on my levi's...the ever so functional hiking boots....a stretch cotton winter white scoop neck top... oh and cotton socks... switched my purse contents into a handy canvas messenger bag....girl's gotta have the ever so important "used daily" must have items....the wallet...the calendar... lipstick... pens......phone...ipod...journal...camera...good to go.....

this day could not have been any more perfect.... the sky so blue.... the sun warm...warming up... light breeze.... mikeC...maureen...jonathon and me.... went to red rock canyon to hike... jonathon is familiar with the area so he... acted as our hike guide...sweeeeet!!! mikeC brought his bad ass....nikon D300 yeah...that's right...the D300.... 10.3 or 12 mega pixels... me and my little sony point and shoot... jonathon pulled into the park... at warp speed....taking hair pin downhill turns like he was mario.....or some shit... slow down stud muffin.... he parked near the trails entrance... and off we went...

maureen took off walking...a fairly rapid pace... i was not so inclined to fly threw this and miss all the amazing...visually intoxicating beauty surrounding me.... there was so much to absorb... she and jonathon...disappeared down the trail...while mike and i stopped...to enjoy and photograph the scenery... horsetail reeds....shooting up...5 feet high...lined the trail....on both sides.... they were thick...like over sized blades of grass....

the trees majesty....bare branches...twisted textures dancing.... white..gray...brown... withered and weathered.... red sandy rock...indigenous to oklahoma.... blue blue sky....small pools of water....deep blue green... we ducked...under trees....jumped over shallow streams....balanced on fallen branches as we hiked higher and higher.. steps of tree roots...and railroad ties.......listening to the silence.... the peaceful perfect silence..... birds singing....yellow ringed wings....boulders... lined with crevices....and ridges... layer upon layer....of reds...browns...warm sun...light breeze...revelation.... realization...life struggles.... disappeared....

i'm a little tired....

2009-02-03T06:07:00.001-08:00

after the early morning charade...the intruder...the police... i finally fell back to sleep...sometime just before 5.... lucy by my side....light on... a silly movie ...something to calm my nerves.... i tried to watch as my eyes fell heavy...and i drifted back into a sweet sweet slumber.... Zzz

my modeling days aren't over yet.... this is something i've been doing since 18 or so.... my first modeling experience was a photo shoot for an amateur photographer...back in the 70's... he shot photos of me wearing several different outfits...for his portfolio... i still have two 8X10's from that shoot.... i've been taken on long weekends to other states...to model for photographers....artists... in my early 20's i did a bit of local lingerie and clothing runway modeling and television spots....i didn't care much for the runway modeling... a few glasses of champagne before the shows would help calm me...enough to walk out in high high heels... a pair of pretty panties...garter and bra.... or some fancy ensemble designed by some famous designer... i finally got the hang of it...after the 3rd or 4th show...and received the "most improved model" award....by the other models.....i've really never thought of myself as pretty...or beautiful... so every time someone asks me to do this...i'm surprised...

yesterday...i did a video shoot on the paseo...take after take...clink after clink of mimosas filled champagne glasses... warm sun... cold breeze...strappy tank... hair blowing.....30 minutes is all it took... then at 7...i modeled nude for artists...at los milagros... at almost 51... it feels good to be asked to do this... one of the artist...a woman in her 60's.... announced loudly..."you have the body of a model"...i felt myself light up... compliments from women are few and far between... so when i receive one... i really appreciate it....somehow they mean more to me... than those from a man trying to get in your pants....!!! for the most part... man compliments are usually self serving...and have an underlying motive... i know you know...

in between the modeling...sessions... i met my friend...the ex ex ex ex b/f who is madly in love with me.... for dinner and a glass of wine... for some reason this was a most awkward meeting... he became jealous....while i was talking about a man friend of mine...... okay... no no no... this will not do....not at all... he said he wasn't...but as i began to tell some silly story... he became fidgety... crossing his arms..and legs...sitting back in his chair....."what?".... i don't think so... he's married...and this is becoming unhealthy for him... i called him on his reaction... and told him he can't do this... we spent almost 2 hours chatting....before my 7 o clock modeling session...we said our good byes...and drove away... around 10 or 10:30....my phone rings...it's him....calling... he told me how awkward he felt during our dinner.... i could hear...the tears in his voice... he was crying.... he loves me so so so much... i love him too...and i'm so grateful to have him in my life....but i will not...no way... let him do something he will regret later.... he's got to stop this... i don't want to not get to see him... but if it continues to become...uncomfortable...i guess i will.... knowing there is someone out there who loves me like he does....feels so good and at the same time...feels just awful.... i don't feel i'm encouraging him... and i am quite adamant about not being one who will break up a marriage... i just won't do that to anyone.... i don't think he wants to leave his wife.... he loves her...and they have a wonderful relationship....but his love for me...torments....and haunts him.... it's the first love butterfly thing that makes no sense... god i love that feeling.... i will have to pray on this one....

it's time to get busy....i have a new plan...a progressive...productive plan... to turn my life around.. so tired or not... up i gotta get....

3 in the morning...

2009-02-03T01:11:00.000-08:00

911 call....lucy barking... loud...deep...growling bark...waking me from a sound sleep... she wouldn't stop... i sat up...turned on the light... asking her....what is it....she stands in an almost guard type stance...tale still...she hears something... she's got this look on her face....she looks away...then looks back at me.....continues her grrrrowl.....slow and methodical bark....as if she was speaking to the intruder.... i got up...searched the house....trembling from head to toe... called my friend johnM... someone is outside...my house... lucy is barking....he said call 911...right now.... so i did... holy shit i can't stop shaking... the 911 operator asked if i wanted contact with the officer....i don't know.... i'm here alone....there is someone outside....no....i don't need contact with the officer...unless they need me....a drive by will do... shit...i'm scared..... hanging up....crawling back into bed...almost hyperventilating .... oh fuck... someone is just outside my bedroom window... i see a flashlight....... johnM on speed dial... calling him again... he knows lucy....and knows it's very rare for her to bark...maybe little single hello barks...but not the repeated alarm... deep... loud...growling barks.... john said it was probably the police with the flashlight...call 911 and ask...so i did...and it was an officer on the scene.... within a few minutes... oklahoma cities finest was outside my house searching for prowlers...

oh oh...i see the police car drive by.... called john for what...the 4th time in like 5 minutes...told him i was safe...he laughed at me... kelley...i'm across town...i can't do anything... i know...but i just had to call someone....he replied...comfort call... yes... and if something happened...at least you would know......i'm not one to cry wolf.... and this is the first time i've ever called the police without proof positive... prowlers.... i know... someone was there... i could feel it...and lucy...was sounding off like a tripped alarm... perhaps she scared them away....who knows... actually this is the first time lucy has ever done this....in the middle of the night...and i'm not easily spooked...

a few days ago....she was laying on the floor next to me in the living room.... when she suddenly stood up and began...a short...growl like bark.... i looked out the window and saw a work truck... and then a man... okay..this dog is the shit.... if i hadn't witnessed this myself... i would never have thought there was an intruder...i would not have called the police....

i'm wide awake now....still shaking... feeling a little less scared...damn that was weird... okay relax...breathe...in....through the nose....breathe out.... lucy's calm.... she acts like nothing has happened...
i guess i'll be alright... i guess...whatever...who ever was out there has moved on...

yesterday... the words

2009-02-02T03:47:00.000-08:00

hit me like a ton of bricks.... "you disappointment me...." my son begins to tell me... what a failure i am... what a disappointment i am... how i have never done anything with my life....!!! he gathered his things...and stormed out of our house.... pleading with him to talk to me.... no no he said...i can't...i love you...but...repeating the same words....you are such a disappointment.....his obvious disgust for me as his mother...was much to great.... he couldn't look at me... he couldn't be in the same room with me for another second...

something snapped...inside...something that has been brewing for months... i could see it in his eyes.... i could feel it in his heart.... my intuition once again...was right on...

leighton stayed with me....all through the day... he did his best to explain what his brother was trying to say... at one point he too became rather angry with me... yelling and screaming...don't you understand...what you are doing...don't you get it... god mom... listen to me...!!!

taylor's words...hurt...but more than that... they woke me up... not until the super bowl was over... and leighton had gone to hang with his friends...did the tears comes.... the crying.... the realization...that the choices i've made...have had an impact on my sons.... have hurt my sons... it's not that taylor doesn't love me.... he does... i know he does...

all my life...i have never felt i mattered to anyone... well except my father...who is no longer here... and sometimes i think if he were...i would never be in this place... i could never ever let him down.... instead...i have let down the two most important people in my life....my SONS.... the two people... i wake up each day for...the two people i love more than life itself...

i don't think i will ever forget what taylor said yesterday....i don't think i will ever forget the look in his eyes...the hurt in his heart... the disgust... he felt.... i can't describe... how his words pierced my heart... how deeply it hurt.... god it felt awful.... part of me...fell right back into the victim role...feeling sorry for myself... but leighton wouldn't have that... he wasn't going to let me martyr out of this one....

it's not gonna be easy.... to change... to regain the things i've lost...to get my life back on track... but if there is one thing i can't live with...it's the thought...the knowing...i have let my sons down.... sure i can sit there and say i've done this...or i've done that...what about when... however... none of that really matters at this point... what matters...is what i'm going to do from this day forward.... i could keep up this poor poor me thing...this no one gives a shit about me thing... or i can get my ass out of this bed....and do what it is i need to do to get out of this mess....

god knows...hearing my son say this to me... felt like the darkest night... had just saturated the core of my being.... that i have become a failure in his eyes... i have not only let myself down....but i have let my sons down... they can't stand seeing me live this way... it's breaking their hearts... i have done the one thing....i never ever wanted to do... i have let my sons down... i have hurt them...

sometimes.... the last thing we want to hear....is the best thing we can hear.... sometimes it takes a bolt of lightening... striking....thunder roaring...to wake us up...to see the truth of the world we've created... i never doubted my sons love for me... only love for myself....

so today...i give thanks for my sons strength... i give thanks for his words... his love... and i vow....on this day...to change my life... to find self love...to make my sons proud of me again....and to clean up this stinking mess i've made....

a restful....

2009-01-30T05:33:00.000-08:00

night...sleeping until 6 o clock... wow...can i say hey hey i feel good today.... going to bed after the midnight hour... then waking at 4 o clock...makes for a very long tired day... being a person of routine... this is all rather confusing for me... there is no routine in my life what so ever... what? i need routine...i function better with routine...a schedule....

i am realizing...i just don't understand retirement.... perhaps i'm not ready....for this sort of life style...longing for brain exercise... physical exhaustion.... mental madness is just not working for me... caught up in my brain...twisted thoughts of what to do..where to go... the desire to be productive...is growing heavy....

dreams in the night...in the day...take me to unknown familiar places... familiar faces... revealing hidden secrets...... playing with tigers...rainstorms...doors won't close...keven is here....the ceiling is leaking just over my bed of white eyelet lace... rubbing my hand on the bubbled ceiling tile..watching the water drip...slowly...as i walk away.... night has fallen... lightening striking...calling out to cathy...come get your cat.... her tiger....soft and lovable...won't stop hugging me... pawing me...wrapping its body around me...relaxing....understanding...i have nothing to fear.... as i walk through the door... the sun is shining...a new day is here....the parking lot across the street filled with people assessing the possibility... the new location of the market.... sun faded red wall... forcing myself to wake...sitting up...groggy... gotta get out of this house....

everything is coming to a close.... the world is changing.... my hopes and dreams of yesterday fulfilled.... i have a strong suspicion...my new life is on the horizon.... feeling the door of opportunity...speaking to me loud.... listen carefully....as to not miss it... in the past...always my intuition...my knowing has come to pass......some would consider this nonsense...crazy... mental case... so i sit quietly...feeling its approach....ready...bags packed....hair comb...clean panties on... fingernails filed to perfection....

friday falls...warm sun...snow melting... once upon a time... i was... once upon a future... i am...

new friends...old faces....

2009-01-29T03:50:00.000-08:00

lovers in waiting... intimate conversations... living vicariously through another life... a man... a friend...secrets revealed.... sleep overs like childhood friends.... laughing and eating in bed... the movie...repeating...previously seen... stories of love lust... who we are oohing over...wanting to lavish upon our gift of sex... heart breaks... phone calls not returned...where did they go...just yesterday...we were...we were...

walking into the room filled with familiar faces....curious glances... assumptions made....he and she... they must be...they have to be... laughing at the public response... no no...we are just friends... man and woman...hanging together...wing man...buddy.... i'm not the one... he is a dear dear friend.... brother like...to me... what would life be without the men...on this earth... much less colorful is my guess.... mother of two sons..... sister of two brothers......my father...my hero.... friends with many men... my sanctuaries... treasured moments... held close to my heart....

as many women...i find comfort in male friendships... not fitting in with the wives the girlfriends... hanging with the men...considered one of guys.... shots of tequila... beer slinging....stories... laughing at each other... brother brother...sister me... unspoken boundaries .... no need for sex... our friendship...is kindred... no coincidence ... there is a reason you and i are here...together at this moment... for a while we will share...until the love...you long for...enters... and sucks you into her lair...

today i celebrate the men in my life...the friends..the stories...the moments i will never forget... my father...my brothers.....my sons ....my countless man friends... throughout this life... i thank you all....for your kindness... your strength and encouragement....your laughter and tears...your hopes and dreams....your secret passions.... i thank you all for opening my eyes...for giving to me...part of you...i thank you for every second we spent together....

hiding out....

2009-01-28T03:26:00.000-08:00

staying home....warm inside...the fire blazing.... cracking wood.... quiet days... into night... not sure how i'm feeling right now...kind of in the middle of nothingness and awakening... i so love.... january winter weather...slowing the world around... days like these are for healing.... being alone... or with family...hunkered down at home....cooking...reading...playing cards... i think of snow days....as FREE days... a free day to do whatever you please... take a long hot bubble bath...listen to your favorite music....watch a movie or two... just be... without being.... everything slows to a snail like pace... people have to come together...in tiny little places....talking and sharing...thoughts......across the room a man with the sideburns... catches my eye... his short haircut... baring his handsome face....finally... i feel lust... something worthy of my eyes....candy they call it... not take him home candy...but flirt and lust from afar candy.... this town is too small....to take someone home that any of my friends know.... he is one...that too many people i know..... know...so for a while...i will enjoy his handsomeness... and his return of glances.... secret smiles.... both knowing....this is all...nothing more... no naked skin... late night phone calls... no sharing dreams... cooking together... no... quiet nights on the front porch... drinking wine... laughing.... love lust...in the night....

on my left...the warmth radiates... on my right...the cold penetrates..... in the middle...i lay.... wishing... for a new day... searching deep in my soul...for the missing link...the reason... this life has lead to this place... my decisions...my dreams....shattered moments...friends adoration... lost in this life...this skin i wear... why has my road...disappeared.... altered state of being... mind racing digging deep... waiting for spring... slip slide...my way through.... realization...resolution... the truth prevails... understanding.... more each day... is it over... is it just beginning....silence falls... light shines.... upon his face...revealing... what it is i came here for...

if i knew how to

2009-01-21T08:24:00.000-08:00

link blogs...i would direct you to blogblah... his reflection...experience....of yesterdays events could not have been....said more eloquently...

if i could add anything....it would be the moment....just after Obama was sworn in..... while driving into edmond oklahoma.... i cried....i cheered out loud....did the jiggy joo joo dance swinging my hands over my head......for the edmond world to see..... as i looked around...feeling a bit silly... incredibly moved.. in every car....there were.....motionless edmondites....staring blankly.... doing what they do best.... NOTHING....

i also called my son leighton....who was in class.... in stillwater....leaving him a voice mail.... "i hope....you are getting to see this ...incredible moment in history... the most significant historical moment of my life time.... i love you... call me..after class..."

to my surprise... complete and total disappointment... his professor did not permit her students the opportunity...the choice... to listen to the swearing in of the 44th president...of our United States.... my son missed it....because....of a teacher? are you serious????

in a dream...

2009-01-19T07:45:00.000-08:00

last night...i took a ride with my father... he wanted me to see the house he was building.... an amazing structure.... not complete.... the entire inside was raw...unfinished wood.... winding stair cases.... a great room... suddenly...i was in another home....apparently my home... no furniture.... just a giant....empty house.... standing at the kitchen sink....i turned on the faucet... the next thing i knew...the sink was over flowing... and i was standing in 6 inches of water.....

waking from the dream....i sat up...turned on the light... checked the movies on HBO.... turned the light off again....curled up with my favorite pillow...drifting back to sleep....

dreaming again....i'm in a house....my home...completely empty....when in walks my sister and her three daughters.... saying to them... you can live here with me....

waking from the dream...i sat up...turned on the light...checked the movies on HBO... turned the light off again....curled up with my favorite pillow...drifted back to sleep....

dreaming i was driving a tiny little car.... with a red tarp over it....the rain was falling hard... i couldn't see where i was going...stopping occasionally to make sure i was heading the right direction... when i finally came to a stop... i could go no further.... removing the tarp...looking around to see where i was... as i looked over my left shoulder... i saw a police car....with two officers staring at me.... they asked me if they could help me... refusing their assistance.... i turned away.... got out of the tiny car... a man came up to me.... and we walked away....

what does this shit mean.... all night long...i had dreams....dreams... and more dreams.... waking me up... repeating the same thing 4 or 5 times....

finally it was 4:30.... telling myself...just get up...it's okay to get up this early... making my way to the coffee maker.... the normal routine.... grind the beans...fill the pot with water.... change the filter....add the fresh ground coffee...pour the water in....push the on button...

beep............beep...........beep....costa rican coffee freshly brewed.... mild blend.... touch of sugar... back to bed...

i have not dreamed of my father in years....it was him...loud and clear....i could here his voice... smell his scent... it was him... my dad...visited me in a dream....

dreaming of my sister....now this is strange....i was actually happy to see shelley and her daughters.... surprised...they were here.... welcoming them with open arms... this is all shades of wrong... what does it all mean....

floods...rain.....father....sister..... daughters.... the water just kept coming...all around me... water....water....water....wood...spiral staircase....

as i read through

2009-01-18T04:09:00.000-08:00

other peoples blogs... feeling a bit like snooping...spying into the lives of friends...acquaintances and some i have never met... learning a lot.... i won't mention names....but are some men really that stupid regarding women... do they really not get women at all... from what i've read...apparently not.... as a woman... i have even tried to explain to men.... the way women think....do they listen? nope...they seem to think they know...more about women than women know about women... women however...... don't make this same claim....assumption...of all knowing regarding men.... my favorite is.... the men...who take everything a woman says...and personalize it... somehow... they make it all about them... or completely misinterpret.... again...all about themselves.... not all men are like this....but there are plenty who are....
a little secret...guys... 95% of communication...is NOT the spoken word...

on another note... i spent most of the day with mikeC... running errands... after a shopping spree at michael's....we decided to have a mimosa at sauced...sit on the patio and soak up the afternoon sunshine.... joining daniel at his table.....eventually johnC and johnM arrived.... always.. entertaining... johnC is on a short leash these days....having an extremely controlling wife... pregnant wife... johnM....is having a wild fling with a rather public just divorced...claiming she's gay...girl next door ... daniel...is single...and looking... later in the evening we all met up again... to have a beer.... johnC...is already in trouble....the conversation keeps going back to johnM's fling....geno is now seeing his ex-wife... while he wraps his arm around us....he looks at me...saying....kelley...everyone is in love but you... like he was proud of this...or something... true i said.... i'm not in love..... does not being in love discredit me somehow... does it make me less because i have no love....? sure... i love being in love... but... i don't like the part...where you have to answer to someone...all the time....i get to do things.... that "in lovers"...don't... no one screaming on the phone "you're locked out of the house" for having fun with your friends...innocent fun...(this happened last night) i don't have to sneak around or...pretend i'm somewhere when i'm not... my friends aren't getting the repeated text messages...."where is she".... holy shit.. how messed up is that.... when love finds me...i will embrace it with all my heart...but for now.... i have so much in my life that brings me great joy...love and friendship.... and well.... perhaps....it's just not in the cards for me a this point in my life.... who knows....maybe it is....just around the corner...love is waiting for me.... until then.... i will enjoy the freedom... of being me....

magnificant obession

2009-01-16T04:42:00.000-08:00

with jane wyman and rock hudson is on right now...what a beautiful film..... jane is a blind widow...all because of rock... complete mess... they fall in love...oh so sweet.... my favorite part of older films are the clothes.... the folds and pleats in the fabrics... nothing today...compares to the gowns and dresses they used to wear...!!!

yesterday...was one of those days...when everything went so beautifully... i had an early lunch with mikeC... having only a small salad...then meeting an old friend...aka ex ex ex ex b/f...from years ago... we chatted and chatted...about so many things....he is one of the few people in my life that actually knows my family... my ex husband....my sons.... having insight as to my family dynamic... we spent...3 or so hours at mcnellies in midtown.... first time for me... i rarely venture beyond the paseo or VZD's these days.... staying within my comfort zone....however the paseo has lost its luster.... with the exception of a warm afternoon sitting on the patio at sauced.... !!!

i had the coolest experience last night..... retail therapy....how much fun is that...!!! holy shit i had no idea....how good it could feel to get something new....i have imagined this for sometime.... but wow...it was much more than i dreamed... today...i will dress in something... brand spanking new... and feel like a princess....all day long...!!! i didn't try anything on while shopping....when the sales person would say... just try it on...i whispered...i'm not wearing panties...so better not...they would nod...and smile...almost thanking me with their eyes... for the honesty.... when i got home...i played dress up.... everything fit...perfectly... oh i'm so excited... there is something to be said for retail therapy...

oh no....jane's in the hospital......rock just arrived...she's been there for a month now...he had no idea.... she's not looking good... he's now checking her medical records... not a stroke...thank goodness.... she's mumbling something....what...what is she saying... she's pale.... it's bleak.... oh...can rock save her...can he.....

the love....of life.... it seems everyone around me...is falling in love... how fun... perhaps... love will shine upon me today... love....success....wealth...the other night while mike and i sat for 4 or 5 hours...drinking wine at VZ's.... a long time friend was there...celebrating her sons 25 birthday... she came over...to visit for a moment....looking at my hands....holding them in hers...reading the lines.... my right hand...she announced...."travel"...my left..."money".... checking again....she says...i don't see marriage.... pushing my hands a way...then double checking nope no marriage... two outta three's not bad....

he did it...rock performed the surgery...she's alive...he's by her side...kneeling...holding her hand...kissing it ever so lightly...refusing to leave her.... the nurse is making coffee....i have a feeling it's gonna be a really long night....

a friend of mine

2009-01-14T03:41:00.000-08:00

insists he's not addicted to nose spray... while discussing this very subject yesterday...he pulled... not 2...not 3...but 4 bottles of nose spray from his pockets.... in my life i can with all honesty say i've used nose spray maybe 6 times...3 of which were yesterday and today.... i found some in the bathroom cabinet...prescribed for my sons... and to my surprise it actually helped... however... as soon as this cold is over...back in the cabinet it goes...

it seems everyone has some vice...something they are addicted to...they need to get through the day....let's see...some are addicted to....sex, drugs, alcohol, nose spray, chapstick, candy, food, sex... ooops...already mentioned sex.... porn...cigarettes...caffine... soda pop... chewing gum... nail biting... neat freaks...oh and compulsive lying...just to name a few.....
i too have my nasty little vice...and lately....more than ever before in my life...i am seriously considering giving it up.... of course there will be the unwelcome weight gain... unless i begin a vigorous exercise routine... to help prevent it.... i guess i missed the news release on the new non burning paper they are now using....by law...on cigarettes... in order to get through an entire cigarette...you must continually puff ....suck the shit out of them... non stop... otherwise the little suckers go out....and the next thing you know...you're relighting and burning the end of your nose....ouch...!!!! i suppose that's better than a grass fire... who needs the tip of their nose anyway...

setting the record straight.... i do not have a thing for mikeC... this has been mentioned of late more than once...and it's absolutely not the case... i will say...he is a friend of all friends and i love and adore hanging out with him... he is the one and only person i know i can confide in and really let out...the stuff nagging deep inside...he is the one and only person i know...who listens selflessly without judgment... our friendship is truly one of a kind... interestingly...we always talk about the current subject of our attention...or the one that has been the subject...or the whiskey nosed ex b/f...with b cup man boobs and 3 inch hairs extending from them...oh and an extra ginormous bald spot on the top of his head.... i suppose the 3 inchers on his chest are to make up for the loss on his head.... but more importantly...we talk about life... our families...the things we have experienced...in some ways similar...others not so much... and quite often the subject is about the work i've done on his home...and yard...and the work ahead.... i truly adore my friendship with mikeC...and it's not at all what some of you seem to think.... if only others could experience a friend like this....perhaps...they would speculate a little less...assume a little less...and accept a little more....

bottom feeders....

2009-01-13T03:13:00.000-08:00

were a topic of conversation....a few days ago....can't remember who brought it up...or how the conversation even got started... i learned a few things about bottom feeders...in reference to catfish... apparently if you suspend a catfish towards the surface of the water for a few days...it will clean out...all the shit it ate off the bottom... seems simple enough... in a strange way...this information...became somewhat metaphorical for me... realizing.... as long as you're at the bottom...everything consumed... is shit...

so...i'm thinking...with a fishing pole... a good hook and some tasty bait... i could just latch on... for a few days...thrown in some large basket....floating about at the waters surface... and all the shit would just fall away...cleansing me.... thus...bringing forth the light... the love...

it's that time of year again....i forget every single year....the thing that i do repeatedly every single january.... some may think this is most outrageous.... however it makes perfect sense to me... i always sink into the lulls of life...hopelessly plugging along....to get through the days.... the weeks...the month of january.... always hoping for rain...or snow... anything to make it seem a little better... this is the month....my life changed dramatically...many years ago... on december 28, 1958...just 10 months and 2 days after my birth...my sister was born... she came 2 months early....my mother almost died... hearing this my entire childhood...it's hard to forget the details... the ugly details of my sisters birth... she grew up knowing she almost killed my mother.... we all did.... my mother was so weak...from the birth..the loss of blood... and my sister... so small she could fit perfectly in a shoe box... there was no time for me...all attention was on my sister and my mother... i was cut off from all maternal nurturing by my mother... she just couldn't take care of me or spend time with me...hold me...nothing... from what i have been told...it was my great grandmother mimi...who cared of me... i have no memory of this.....however it did leave an emptiness a void i have lived with all my life....

always....about two weeks into the month of january...i remember...why...i get in this funk... i remember...it happens every year.... realizing....i can snap out of it...or let it control me... this year of course is a bit more difficult... there are none of the normal distractions.... damn it...

i'm thinking i need a distraction...something to consume my time...my thoughts....something other than....feeding off the bottom... the star of my own pity party... what the hell...it's time to stop this nonsense...get a grip on things... so with a little love... my wonderful friends... a bit of encouragement....just maybe...i can...just maybe this will soon turn into a memory...that no longer has a hold on my life...and i will be sailing along...the wind carrying me...to new places... new horizons... love and happiness... believing anything is possible... i have the strength and courage to pick myself up...by the boot straps and actively change the problems at hand... focus on the solutions.... a little mind alteration... no no not drugs...but attitude...

thank you... terrific tuesday... miracles...and magical moments....happiness all around....the love surrounding me... smiles and hugs... thank you for keeping me close...watching over me... even when i yell and scream.... even when i stand in doubt....hopeless and distraught...thank you for waking today.... with more energy than yesterday.... finding a touch of hope... to hold onto....

giving thanks....

2009-01-12T04:45:00.000-08:00

for a while... i was religious about this... still in a quiet way...i give thanks... however after a series of not so pleasant experiences.... all within the... thank you credits.... i began to lose hope... give up.... but the truth is...during the daily...thankful for this or that....i felt happiness... with great possibility... it's hard to see.....the good sometimes...when so much rotten shit keeps happening... feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders... playing the game...everything is alright... as to not reveal...my dark sad secrets... it's hard sometimes to say...i'm good...when in fact...i don't feel so good... i feel as though the world is crashing down around me...and i'm at the bottom of the rubble... digging my way out....but instead of digging to the top...it is in reverse... i keep digging deeper and deeper... the rubble is heavy...it's a pile of memories...of successes...of the days...when life felt good... when love surrounded me...

so today...i will give it...all i've got... i will give thanks...and hold onto some hope...for a beautiful day.... filled with answers...solutions...and great possibility...
thank you for my sons....my friends... thank you for my home... my car...my job... thank you for the strength to endure and make a better life for me...thank you for the love that surrounds me... the smiles and hugs... thank you for making a difference...and for this life... thank you for clarity...for creative visions...for all this day has to offer...thank you...thank you...for this magical monday...love and light...to all

i ran into....

2009-01-12T03:33:00.000-08:00

one of my former students yesterday....i didn't recognize him...this happens quite often.... when he told me his name... it all came back to me in a flash... the younger brother of a student who has a special place in my heart.... he too... has a special memory... his freshman year...he was in my first hour photo I class... i had a routine...which i presented the first day of each semester.... each student received a syllabus along with 2 or 3 other handouts....i would read each one...along with show and tell... presenting all the supplies needed as well the supplies i would provide...then tour the darkroom...well this boy was so nervous...he blew chow in the darkroom that very first day... of course i never handled these things very professionally... sometimes announcing "oh shit".... are you okay... there is certain protocol that must be followed due to all the life threatening diseases out there... so i did the best i could with the limited space at hand...soon the custodian was in my room with all the necessary cleaning supplies...ha!!!

i asked him how his sister was...and how school was....he told me i need to come back... it's just not the same anymore...he said something not so good about the now photo teacher... i gave him a hug... wished him well...and returned to my table and friends.... watching him walk away.... i smiled...a sweet smile... a good memory... and a knowing that i had made a small impact on his life....

i get asked...almost weekly why do i not teach anymore... why don't you get a job teaching....? the truth is i don't really have an answer....i loved teaching so much...i loved watching the students at that moment of success...the way their eyes would light up.... it was truly magical... the answer i usually give to this question...is the parents... the parents do not hold their children accountable...and they are impossible to deal with.... this is just one of the reasons.....mainly.... i don't feel i can give the kids what they need...and teach them the way they deserve to be taught.... who knows maybe i do...maybe i still have it... and with the opportunity to teach...i might...i just might find myself...happy again..happy to be in the classroom...happy to be giving back...making a difference...giving the gift of knowledge... perhaps... i will know this again....i will find myself in a classroom...doing what i do best....

my son... leighton said yesterday...."mom...everything happens for a reason" he really believes that things are as they are with purpose....and soon everything will turn around for me... today he begins his second semester in stillwater....with great enthusiasm... yesterday he called several times...keeping me informed of his move back to his duplex... he received a ginormous flat screen television along with an xbox...for christmas.... a new old sofa... so he spent his day getting his home arranged to his liking...excited about all his new belongings... feeling good about life... my sons along with most kids of his generation have been raised with technology...unlike that of my childhood....they have had every single... Nintendo... PlayStation...and xbox ever made...computers have been a part of their entire lives.... beginning in elementary school....my sons have never known life with out cellular communication.... fortunately they are not the sit in front of the television for hours everyday playing games sort of kids... taylor averages about two novels a week...along with his studies...and leighton...his social life is over the top busy.... however when they do...break out the xbox...boys will come out of the wood work and suddenly a game of all games...is being played... they shout and groan as if they are actually playing the play off game of the century... always entertaining...

i missed the

2009-01-11T03:36:00.000-08:00

largest full moon of 2009.... maybe i will run outside...in a few and see if i can catch the tale end of it's glory... however...running outside in 22 degrees.... doesn't really appeal to me... perhaps i can smash my nose to the window...and look about to see if it's within my viewing range... who knows just maybe... i'll catch a glimpse...and feel better about life in general....

why is it...when you are down in the dumps...the drudges of hell...everyone around you seems so fucking happy...and life couldn't get any better....?

okay i just did it...my coffee cup was running on empty...so after filling it... with yummy... freshly ground coffee beans... brewed to my satisfaction... a teaspoon of sugar...i dared to open the door... warm cup in hand...wearing....baby blue fuzzy house slippers...long johns and a fleece t....stepping through into the cold morning air....stars hidden by wispy cloud cover....standing on the sidewalk in front of my house....looking up towards the west... through the bare naked trees...i could see the largest moon of 2009... sitting in the sky...as some would say... about 11 o clock... similar to the 10 and 2...position on the steering wheel... i must admit..it was worth taking the plunge.... illumination... unequaled... majestic... brilliance.... worth wishing upon... so i did.... i wished i was back inside...under my covers....ha!!!

continuing my only routine of late... getting online...reading this and that...writing...thinking about all the possibilities...that seem light years away right now.... wondering why...people stand in judgment...or completely misunderstand another persons intent... why it is some of us need something to believe in...and others...do not... why it is....being a taoist...or buddhist...is any different than one who believes in god... or the trees....or tarot....or astrology... perhaps it is...because... that what we believe is the only way....and everyone else is foolish... isn't it okay...to believe in something.... to believe that this life has some purpose...isn't okay to share with others your fears....or happiness....that just maybe...the nine of cups...has some significance...that just maybe...love is around the corner....and life is a bowl of fucking cherries... why can't we believe what we want...why can't we seek hope...where ever we want...and tell your best friend....as simple as it may sound... silly as it is... you found hope....in the tiniest moment....that something brought joy to your heart.... that it's okay to be happy...with whatever you choose to believe... personally...i don't really see any belief system is any different from another.... no matter how you look at it.... we believe in whatever comforts us...or fits into our own reality...or how we want to think it is.... to not allow another...the right to seek belief without judgment... is to me...the greatest wrong... i for one... believe ... we give power to whatever it is...we focus on... we put our thought into...that our belief is our faith...and if i choose to give power to the possibility of a better tomorrow... then i have that right... if i choose to believe...that i deserve to be loved... and live comfortably...then that too is my right... if i choose to believe...in god...or buddha...or love...and life...in happiness....in the moon....the trees...who really has the right to stand in judgment of me... who really has the right to criticize me...for what brings me comfort?

life is... not so easy at times... however it is life... and without...believing...in what brings us comfort...then there is nothing... there is no reason... there are no children...parents...brothers and sisters...there is no past...nor future... there is no today... i suppose it is...i should give thanks...for the ability to believe...to have faith...even when i want so desperately to give up... something deep inside...always emerges... telling me there is more... much more...to give up now...is not even an option... it is part of my journey...it is...i am here...this day...with purpose...as simple as it may be...or as ginormous as it could be....it is part of my life...and i am grateful...for this day... time with my beautiful son...knowing that... this is not it.... and everything...is everything...and nothing...is just that...nothing...i choose to believe....

unexpected....warm

2009-01-08T03:28:00.000-08:00

sunny wednesday.... couldn't help but spend the afternoon outside... did a bit of writing...ran into a dear friend...a friend i used to spend almost everyday with and now i rarely get to see... we talked about her upcoming wedding and her new role as a step mom... we must have talked for over an hour about....our lives...and all the changes.... it was as though the years between us have stood still...she was like a sister to me... as she departed she said... i didn't know what brought me here today...but now i believe spirit lead me to you...

my home is quiet again... the boys are gone... and soon they will be back in school... another adjustment.... i love having them here...even if they are messy...use all the toilet paper... eat every morsel of food in the house.... i still love it...and when they are gone... i miss them horribly....

yesterday...mikeC and i ran some morning errands... taking a drive to edmond...he and i both feel the same about that insane community... one i spent more than my fair share of years...working in....needless to say...i cringe at the thought of even passing the "welcome to edmond" sign... luckily mike takes the most bazaar routes to go anywhere...when he should turn left...he almost always turns right... and vice a versa.... i have come to enjoy....the sight seeing adventures... and find myself laughing...asking where are we going....? we drove through parking lots of shopping centers..one on purpose another...by accident..... instead of I35....he took the service road... making our way back to the city... chatting about... the box...he seems to live within... while he doesn't want to deal with the chaotic...crazies in the business world he still surrounds himself with extra-ordinary people... i told him...when i walked in to the red cup...monday...there was a man sitting at the table he was... not recognizing this man...i immediately thought...who is this crazy person... his hair long gray and straggly...like that of some lunatic... who should be wearing a straight jacket...as i circled the table i could see his profile...recognizing him...i still couldn't help but think how crazy... down right scary he looks...i then told mike... when he wears those outfits...he looks like he needs to be locked up...mike said... the horrible ensembles were selected by his wife..who...i might add...dresses like she chooses her clothes from the disco wardrobe of the 80's barbie doll collection.... every time i see this woman...it's all i can do to keep from bursting into a full blown laugh...are you serious... the most ridiculous outfits...only compared to the 70's Sonny & Cher show...when Cher would play the character of Laverne...(i think was the name)... wearing leopard print too tight knee length pants with some crazy blouse...high heels...nothing matching...cat eye glasses with the glasses chain wrapping around the back of her neck...her hair...all ratted up beehive style...like it had not been washed in decades...no shine.. with the exception of layers and layers of hair spray... this is not an exaggeration... when this couple...d & j walk up... it's always a sight to see... not to mention..her attitude towards those of us...she appears to think are below her...i would be one of those... ha!!!

all of this...was in reference to his box... he lives within.... the box...i was referring to...had more to do with...allowing himself to enjoy things that he wants to enjoy...but refuses to allow himself to enjoy... something i don't understand...is...he always tells me how people refer to him as boring...personally i've never heard this...but for some reason he believes this...perhaps it is he finds comfort and...this thought fits perfectly inside his box...the thing is...mikeC is anything but boring... he is full of information....Witty comments...he listens...and always has insight to things... life experiences he offers as comfort or advice...mikeC boring...i think not.....

i suppose we all see ourselves..in ways others do not...we are... our own worst critics... insisting this or that...to be true... the one thing i have figured out....life is full of surprises... people come into our lives...jazz us in ways...we never thought possible...they fill us up..with crazy emotions...we have no idea what to do with...they love us... and hold us... some just make us want to scream.... as mike said a week or so ago...we can't help who we are attracted to... i couldn't agree more... however...i find this to be a most exciting adventure... never knowing... who will give us what...or make us feel a certain way... the friends... who comfort us...unexpected gifts on the doorstep... and phone calls... or the man who collapses before your eyes... and you do what you can to save his life.... the crazy outfits....the old friends...lovers... the warm days in january... calling us to be outside... kind words.... smiles....hugs from friends... i'm hoping for a better day... today... a better year... some reconciliation to the changes...the constant ebbs and flows...highs and lows... on this day... i will do my best...to see the good...the glass half full...cry a little less...smile a lot more....

no major life

2009-01-07T03:23:00.000-08:00

changing experience occurred yesterday....whew...well in my life anyway...

this morning....taylor is hustling about getting ready to head out to LA for a few days with a couple of buddies... his flight leaves around 7.... it was one of those spontaneous decisions...just before christmas....booked a flight and off he's going... a welcome holiday...after the disappointment of his move to breckenridge fell apart... he's already enrolled for the upcoming semester.... and made an appointment for a job interview upon his return next week...

leighton on the other hand....is way involved with his social life...busy...coming and going...i never know when he will appear and disappear... the life of a 20 year old on winter break... his best friend leaves in a few days...for a 3 month stay in rehab... court ordered... he's a really good kid...just made some really stupid decisions... his academic record is one any parent would be proud of... mostly lacks common sense... not to mention he is a star athlete with a full ride to OU.....we are all...in full support of him... and i know...this will be difficult for leighton... however when school starts up again... he will have one less distraction... which will be helpful for his own academic performance....

i just got the good bye hug from taylor...he's off to the airport... wishing him... a wonderful holiday...

holy shit....the boys have left a mess in the living room.... clothes...and crap everywhere...

i suppose the saying a mothers job is never done...is more true than not....

this morning.... i feel better than i have in days... like there is hope on the horizon... strength building inside ....new visions.... of possibility... solutions...to some rather difficult...situations... yesterday...my horoscope...said..."Something you value but lost will be restored to you today, though it may not be in the form of a tangible object"... all day....i thought about this... what is it i have lost... that could come back.. intangible.... i've lost so much in this life time... i've gained... and grown...i've raised two amazing sons... my life has been full...but lately... i have lost all hope... could not find a purpose... feeling like i have completely...failed at everything.... perhaps it is...the loss....is the return of hope.... of possible solutions....

i have been blessed....with the most amazing people...in my life... there are no words to describe the kindness....the encouragement... the love that these people have extended me... they have listened...watched me cry...held me when i couldn't hold my own... it is as though...they see in me...what i can't see myself... i can't recall a time in my life....i have ever...known such love.. so many people...coming to my aid...standing by me.... i hope...some day...i can give back to each of you...what you have given me.... thank you...with all my heart and soul...thank you...

good news....

2009-01-06T11:59:00.000-08:00

this morning val called... he sounded much better...telling me his car was ready..... also he slept most of yesterday...which he needed...the radiation...has had an impact...on him...taking its toll as i've heard radiation and chemo will do to people... if he's not doing the radiation..they have him on chemo...

after breakfast with mike...i went out to val's place and took him to get his car... i really wanted to find out if they had heard anything about doug...so i went inside with him....... HE'S ALIVE...!!!! the moment i walked into varley's garage...i was greeted with a smile... kind words.... followed by a hug....mr. varley...was still shaken up by the experience... he had received a call from doug that morning...and shared the conversation with me.... it was a diabetic seizure....he doesn't remember anything.... had we not been there...and done what we did...doug would not have made it.... we actually saved his life.... pretty amazing...

is depression a

2009-01-06T04:14:00.000-08:00

result of circumstances...or... are circumstances a result of depression...? i've been telling myself... there is a purpose...there is a reason... perhaps it is yet another life lesson... who really knows... we all have our highs and lows i suppose... it seems some have a better handle on things...others not so much...

one reoccurring...human behavior...i have witnessed... is those who seem to have success and happiness....have one critical element in their lives.... they have love of family...they have had an endless supply of family support... perhaps this isn't across the board a true blue rule... there are the enablers... the fixers/rescuers... the addicts...etc... however... without love... without family... there is a void... there is a longing... some find comfort in material things... some in drugs and alcohol... others... just flat out psychotic .... creating unrealistic worlds... some of us just don't feel worthy of anything.... and then there are the marriage jumpers...always seeking that one... unconditional love...thing...

after...spending several hours...working at mikeC's house...discovering...lost treasures... cleaning and clearing... we decided to grab a bite to eat... at 3:30...on monday afternoon...most eating establishments...are rather quiet... only two tables occupied...we for the most part had the whole place to ourselves.... we enjoyed a glass of wine...while waiting for our food order.... i began talking to mike about my morning experience...which had been haunting me all day... not sure why i happened onto this...especially at the moment i did... i told mike... about my conversation with god... "just give me a sign...something" i asked mike if he thought this experience was a sign...he said if i wanted it to be...then yes... somehow this deflated me...a bit... not what i was wanting to hear.... thinking this has to have some significance... he agreed...yes it is significant... but how... i don't know... it is the timing of it all... a happen chance... stop by a garage to help out a friend...within a split second...i'm helping to save a complete strangers life...with other complete strangers... perhaps it means nothing.... perhaps...i'm just wanting something to hold onto...to make sense of all the chaos.... a sign...

on a better note... the discovery of a ginormous plastic container filled with socks...at mikeC's was quite entertaining... recognizing the time period's... while handing each pair to mike...so he could decide whether he wanted to keep them or not...i would say...80's... dress socks... oh i love these...every possible style of sock was in that box... and nice socks... we also discovered his pocket squares he wore during his news 9 reporting time... exquisite....insisting he would never use them again...he offered them to me...which i gladly accepted...secretly... oohing and goohing over them anyway..... every one i pulled from the box...i would sigh...oh look at this... each and every one....absolutely beautiful... silly i know...but i have always loved textiles... and well.. this was a real find for me...a true treasure....so thank you mikeC...

i'm feeling a bit afraid to leave my house today...for fear something else will happen...each day since day one of 09 ...something over the top huge has occurred......not just...oh i forgot my keys... but major life changing stuff.... i'm just not cut out for this... and if this is a sign...of the year ahead... please excuse me...if i bow out...of this one....

i wish...i wish...

2009-01-05T15:20:00.001-08:00

it would snow..... i love the snow...the way it changes everything... a beautiful...snowfall... covering the ground with inches and inches of white... i know so many people cringe at the possibility of snow... but i love it...

this morning...mikeC called inviting me to breakfast.... without hesitation i accepted...quickly got my shit together and headed out the door... he was waiting for me at the red cup... a five or so minute drive south on western...

well on my way....i started having yet another conversation with the man upstairs.... talking out loud like some crazy woman...perhaps i am crazy...anyway...the conversation went something like this... i need a miracle..or a sign...or it's all on you... blah blah blah... well i decided i would stop in eddie's the VW mechanic's garage at 31st and western to check on Val's car for him... thinking to myself it should only take a sec...

the parking lot was jam packed with vehicles needing repair...two tow trucks loaded down with cars... i parked on the street just north of the building... went inside a small entry way with doors on either side... the smell of gasoline... and oil...immediately engulfed me... the small garage was lined with cars.. towards the back of the garage....two men were standing at a work counter looking at some automobile gadget...another rather handsome young man....lying on his back underneath a light blue early 70's VW bug....not moving an inch.... keeping his eyes on whatever he was working on.... politely asked if i needed help.... while explaining why i was there... a man charged through the door....yelling does anyone know CPR... a man has just collapsed in my shop.... immediately we all ran to the next room.... and there he laid... his mouth and nose foaming....his face turning blue... body twitching... there was nothing any of us could do... but comfort him... for a moment it was complete and total chaos... one man called 911... the woman on the other end...asked him the same questions over and over... it seemed like this man was going to die..right there.....we all kept shouting...just get the ambulance here... she continued to ask questions... the same stupid questions over and over.... within minutes....the rescue fireman arrived... then the EMT.... i stayed with the man... gently caressing his head... doing what i could to comfort him... all eyes...all attention on doug...

i was never asked to move...they let me stay next to him... holding his hand... they all worked around me......doug looked at me...with such fear in his eyes... softly whispering to him...they are taking care of you...you're going to be okay... the fireman strapped him down..the EMT... restrain his hands... oxygen masked strapped to his face... needles in his arm...blood... i stayed with him... it was like he was trying to say something...to me with his eyes..... eventually... doug was being rolled out of the garage to the ambulance...

i still had not found out anything about val's car so i went back next door....asked when it might be ready.....when a man came up to me... and said they want your name and address... he then hugged me... thanking me...... we just held each other...two complete strangers....hugging each other...

i have no idea why they wanted my name... i looked at the EMT woman... she looked at me... with such kindness... thanking me... i asked if he would be okay.... she said ...something...i can't remember... i then walked out of the building towards my car....head down...the air cold... doug on his way to the hospital... i couldn't help but cry...

today...i witnessed something... experienced something... miraculous.... i didn't know a single person in that room....not a name...never laid eyes on their faces...and together...we all helped save a mans life...

two days in a

2009-01-04T06:34:00.000-08:00

row.... i have been mentioned with the addition of photos of me on a friends blog... makes it kind of hard to disappear... which is what i want to do...but i too wanted to enjoy the fresh air...the 73 degrees on january 3rd... so i venture over to sauced...with books in hand.. my journal... a new catalogue on a masters program in san francisco... pipe dreams...

i sat down at a table with a once upon a time dear dear friend...who despises me now...andre... we used to be inseparable...but his pride... and his anger got the best of him... shortly after waving me to sit with him...he quickly disappeared inside... not wanting to be near me... so i sat alone for some time...not really in the mood for chit chat ... when a very tall somewhat handsome young man walked over to where i was sitting....offering him the only other chair at the large white metal table..... he said thank you...pulled the chair a few feet away and sat down.. eventually beau and his dog dakota...joined me...the conversation started slowly... just doing the i don't know you at all thing... getting acquainted... superficial... conversation... he was very kind...with an intriguing calm voice... after a few mimosas he invited me to go with him to a friends home then to dinner... we enjoyed a yummy meal at a local japanese style restaurant... then he wanted me to join him at some hotel...at that point i felt uncomfortable... things were moving along a bit fast for me...not to mention the temperature was dropping and i really needed to come home and let lucy in....with the intent of meeting up later... i never left my house again...and don't even know if the phone rang... !!! oh well... i suppose it was just one of those things.....

saturday....sunshine...

2009-01-03T07:50:00.000-08:00

smiles upon me... !!! here i go again.....with elliptical...meandering...meaningless ramblings.... words written to sooth my soul... a therapy...of sorts... getting out...the thoughts...trapped inside... making room for more....meandering meaningless... thoughts...to be written...

day 2 of this new year....i spent at home.... lots of turmoil... swimming about in my brain... losing myself...my worries... playing... game after game of solitaire... taylor left around 3... and then it hit.... everything exploded inside... here come the tears... so i let out a big one...the cry of all cries... my body heaving...nose running...tears pouring.... it was the all consuming... boiling over... the top... let it all out...cry... i just couldn't face the world yesterday.... i just wanted to hide... coming to terms with the choices i've made.. over and over...reflecting on each step...each move...each wrong turn... all leading me to one...pivotal moment.... exhausting all other possibilities...

i have got to do something....i refuse to live like this anymore...i am at my limit... and if something good...doesn't happen within a very short time...i will be forced to take matters in my own hands... i see no other choice...

setting some goals...very real... must get done goals...no exceptions...... this is it... the end.... i have had 3 consecutive...rotten years...and will not go through another one...i just won't... drastic situations...take drastic measures... enough is enough...

there are so many men wearing hard hats in my back yard right now.... clearing away tree branches interfering with the electrical lines... it freaking me out....and i want to leave...but i don't want them to see me...so i'm hiding inside...hoping they will finish soon...

i am determined to have a good year... i'm determined...to get it right... to fulfill my dreams...and make my life...the best ever...to have that shining light of love...with me all the time...thank you...thank you...for the love of family and friends...for the abundance in my life... the wonderful little surprises...and miracles... thank you....thank you...thank you.... thank you....

not so sure....

2009-01-02T04:12:00.000-08:00

how things will pan out this year... i am hoping... it to be... so much better than the last 3....i began this new year... in a town i have never been before... meeting people i've never met before... listening to a band i've never heard before... standing in a bar...i have never stood before...watching people i've never watched before... having conversations i've never had before...sleeping in a bed i've never slept in before... a little town... built on the side of a mountain... an old town....filled with history... interesting people... cool little shops... bars and restaurants... a wonderful little town... in arkansas... eureka springs...

i don't know why...but for some reason this spontaneous road trip...has significance... having all new experiences...on the last and first days of the year... feels important... nothing spectacular happened.....nothing other than doing something i have never done before.... kind of fairy tale like... i love spontaneity...i love experiencing things i've never experienced before... getting away from my reality...going to a place no one knows me... or knows anything about me... being alive...among hundreds of strangers...smiling...and feeling like i was exactly where i was supposed to be...no one standing in judgement...no one...really giving a shit about who i am... we were all there for one reason...to celebrate...a new year...

i'm home again... rolling in around 6 yesterday evening...everything is the same for the most part... a few changes...have already presented themselves... things that will alter my life temporarily... as well i expected the change... so it was no real surprise....just a pain in my ass... but it is what it is...and that's all i have to say...about that...

waking this morning...with visions of sculptures...floating about from leftover dreams... lucy girl laying next to me... curled up...like she does... taylor...sprawled out on the sofa.... tv blasting... neither of us can sleep through the night... in separate rooms...watching movies... thinking of the things...we've done...and the things we need to do... how will this all work out... disappointment...after disappointment...trying to find some peace in our broken hearts... still we smile... hug one another..because we can...love you...love you... so in this crazy mixed up world...friends filled with infatuation... sparkles of lust...dance in their hearts... lonely souls looking for lost love... it seems...in all this confusion... one thing always exists... each other... the love we have for each other... maybe it's just friends...maybe it's in passing... it's always about the human spirit.... the people in our lives... all the other things just seem to wash away... not really... having much importance... it is in the end... don't we all...just want to feel love... and joy...in our hearts... love of a parent...a child.. a husband...a wife...sister or brother... a lover.... isn't it really.... without each other... nothing we do...really fucking matters...

so...on this day... i give thanks for all those who have come into my life...those who have gone from my life... the friends who bring me orange juice and firewood...when my temperature is rising... the smile on my sons faces... the phone call...when it seems not a soul remembers you're alive...

some how.... all this craziness...works out... in ways we never expect... in ways that give us hope... a better understanding... from darkness.... we grow...from darkness we find light... i am looking to the light....to the love...to carry me through... thank you for each and every miracle...good or bad... thank you for the wisdom...the knowledge... to know... that all things come to and end... and when that door closes behind me...another opens in front of me... today... i celebrate...the door closing... a new one opening... a new beautiful...life... a new beautiful...happiness... a new beautiful... awakening...i celebrate...all the love...that surrounds me..i give thanks for the abundance in my life... new and old experiences...my family and friends... thank you thank you thank you for this fabulous friday....!!!

wishing each and every one...an amazing new year... an incredible 2009...!!!

resolutions....

2008-12-31T05:53:00.000-08:00

every year i say...i don't do new year resolutions...and every year...i do....ha!!! don't remember whether or not i have recorded them...i'm sure if i read through my journals i would find a few.... this year...however...i am dedicating 2009...with great enthusiasm... deliberate intent....to happiness...love....wealth...and abundance... in my life....

happy new year....

thank you for this day... the love and light that surrounds me....thank you for my sons... my friends and family... thank you for my beautiful home...my wonderful car...my lucy girl and ollie cat...for the strength and courage to make changes in my life.... thank you for my amazing job... thank you for my dreams coming true....thank you for a wonderful...new year... hello 2009... goodbye 2008... thank you for each and every miracle...each and everyday... thank you for my cozy purple velvet bed.... my warm house...the hot shower...i get to take...thank you for a safe drive east today....thank you for this amazing....beautiful life...thank you...thank you thank you... thank you..thank you.... this is going to be the best year ever....

the end...is near....

2008-12-30T04:14:00.000-08:00

of a rather quiet year... the year...i turned 50...a rite of passage..... i like to think of this last year as a time of reflection....a time of rebirth... a year i discovered...a great many things about myself... while i have struggled financially...i have grown leaps and bounds emotionally... mentally... finding comfort in the tiniest things... the healing power of laughter...of gratitude... the ability to live alone...finding true friendship in the most unlikely places...

it has been... a year filled with triumphant moments.... a year filled with loss... a year filled with dreams...and disappointments.... accepting...and realizing... the most rewarding has been my sons.... the men they have become... they are truly the light of my life... for me...there is nothing better than being in the company...of my sons..... those two guys...are always full with surprises... they are my greatest gift....ever.... they are my unconditional love....!!!

another...wonderful experience presented itself last night.... there have been many changes occurring in my life lately... healthy...positive changes... perhaps that's what 2008 has been all about...awakening...and it has taken this entire year...to finally get here... anyway... a few years ago...a woman told me... that all artist are depressed suffering people..the only good art comes from darkness... of course i argued with her...telling her...not my art... i cannot create when i'm depressed or sad... many times right after my father passed away... people would tell me to re-channel this sadness into my art... couldn't do it....for me to create...i must be happy... i must feel alive...and love... well....last night...the boys were out doing their thing...just me...ollie and lucy....hanging out here...and suddenly... i got this desire to make something... so i went to the hardware store...bought a can of propane... and some gummy worms... came home...got out my jewelry making tools.... sitting on the floor...surrounded with yummy litttle trinkets to play with.... to reinvent... i began...twisting and bending the wire... soldering... it all came back to me...like riding a bike... it's been so long...since i have had this desire... it's been so long since i have sat alone and created just for the sake of creating.... i made 3 little pendants...of sterling... and had a blast... so it is...that flame...flickering into a ginormous fire of happiness...is happening... it's not just my imagination.... it's really really happening... the hope...the gratitude...the love... it's all here...ready to explode...into something incredible...something magnificent...

even this morning...i had one of those knowings... one of those... i better get things ready...because it's coming...it's just around the corner... always before...when these messages come... they have been true... so whatever it is...i am ready...and i am grateful.. and i am excited...

thank you...for this year of reflection...of growth..and accepting... for understanding...for this new found strength...for my beautiful sons...my beautiful friends...my beautiful new life... thank you for each and every second that has brought me to this place....this perfect...beautiful place...

last night....

2008-12-29T03:06:00.000-08:00

i met cristin for a glass of wine at the deep fork.... it felt good to get out for a while... go some place other than the paseo... i put on a little eye shadow.... mascara... powdered my cheeks with a soft mauve blusher... my hair....long...wavey..and a bit clumpy from...lack of brushing.... i felt pretty... for the first time in a very long time...i felt pretty....

the past two years....my self image has been controlled by three years of abuse... november 16, 2006...i woke up... and decided...i could no longer...live with his abuse...i could no longer... be made a fool...i could no longer... be criticized... ridiculed...i could no longer...hear how i'm no good... so i sent him a dear john email..."i'm done" the first few weeks after... i felt strong... liberated...free... and then...it hit...the reality of his abuse...took over...consumed me...i wanted to become invisible....i didn't want anyone to look at me... no one would ever do that to me again.... you see....there was nothing...not one single thing about me...physically...artistically... emotionally...mentally... professionally.... he did not say something ugly about.... three years...every single day... he would lash upon me his ugly tongue...beating me down...to nothing.... almost daily he would tell me how i have no self confidence...i have a low self esteem....suck your gut in....tell me to shut up...in front of people...roll his eyes... my lips are too thin... your facial structure is...this or that... you need to change this you need to change that...... he used and abused...until he had sucked every ounce of life from me.... how does this happen...? how....? slowly.... it begins... the first time the words are uttered...it becomes...easier and easier...until it is a way of life...sucked in... no escape.... who am i.... ?

as i've tried to move on... his words..his abuse has haunted me.... when i feel...a little strength building inside...his face would appear...his mouth would open...and the words... the lies.. the criticism...would knock me back down.... this is my secret...revealed... i suppose i should feel lucky he never struck me... sometimes i think it would have been easier...had he...left a physical mark... instead of the deep hidden slices....the cuts and bruises that are never seen... the sadness behind...the eyes... the heart..shattered... the knowing.... someone...treating another human being...with such hate...and anger... has lingered...much to long.... this is my confession... i'm tired of holding onto this...i'm tired of it controlling me... i'm tired of feeling no good.... i'm tired of remembering...his ugly words...his constant... abuse....

something...is happening...inside me... a glowing light... warming my heart... the old me returning... finally... it's time to move on...leave it behind...and begin living again... feeling hope... feeling like there is so much life to live... a life that no one can take away from me... it's been too many days...too many weeks and months...of remembering... the one constant...i have held onto...is that this had to have some purpose....i went to that place of darkness for a reason... i was to learn something... i'm still not quite sure...what the lesson was...or is... however... for the first time...in two years...i feel like i'm alive again... i feel like i can love again...and let another love me... this is remarkable...truly remarkable.... to have the smile...of possibility growing...inside... i see beautiful things...ahead of me.....a rebirth...an energy..filled with hope... perhaps it is... the gratitude...taking time to give thanks.... recognizing...all the wonderful things in my life the wonderful people...in my life...the friends i have... the love they share...the caring..the kindness... i have been blessed... with more than i ever dreamed... finding strength... in the love of my friends.... the kindness of my friends... the hugs...and smiles... i am most grateful to you all...who have seen me...when i couldn't....who have believed in me...when i couldn't... i do feel it is your strength...that has renewed mine....

it's crazy....the way i feel...this love....flame...flickering into a ginormous fire...of happiness... it is... finally time...to put to rest...the past...the days of darkness.... the time has arrived for my life... to be lived... again...

so on this monday...december 29th...2008... i say goodbye... to that old...way...that ugly thing... that has kept me...from believing in me.... that...nasty bald man....filled with so much hate... i release you...from me... i let you go...far away from me.... i say goodbye...finally....forever... and ever...

oh i feel so good...so happy...so strong....so ready to fall in love...for my dreams to come true... find my heart....whole... is this really happening.... it must be....daily...it gets stronger and stronger... like something magnificent is getting ready to happen.... something beautiful is growing like wild flowers...spreading over the landscape of my life.... rearranging... renewing... starting over... let it grow...let it grow...

thank you...for this freedom...thank you for my beautiful friends... a special thank you to mikeC..... your friendship... my surrogate brother.... my kindred spirit... you mean the world to me.... and forever...i will cherish... you...
thank you for the abundance in my life....for all my dreams coming true...for my new life... the realization...i am finally free....for my beautiful sons... for the ability to accept....and welcome... the love... and light...that surrounds me... thank you for this magical day that lies ahead... filled with every possibility...every....opportunity...thank you....

i'm so over this...

2008-12-22T09:08:00.000-08:00

flu bug... damn it's got a hold of me... i last about 10 minutes...then back to bed... oh how... i wish i had a pill that made me feel like me again... a magical pill... to make this flu bug go far far away... seriously...just typing this...has zapped my energy.... i did take a bath today....whew...much need bath...!! i know TMI....

wishing everyone a wonderful week filled with much holiday cheer...loved ones...lots of presents...joy and happiness!! Merry Merry Christmas....!!!!

love and light to all

same day....

2008-12-20T11:40:00.000-08:00

new findings.... all this funk...is a result of the flu...yep that's right... 100 degrees temp... head feels like an alien is having a party that i wasn't invited to.... no energy... feel like poopookaka... leighton ran to the store...purchased some cold remedies...or temporary relief... hot cold...hot cold... sniffle sniffle... oh...this is most unpleasant....leighton finally took leave....which i welcomed...not that i don't enjoy him around... i just don't want him to get this...nasty poopookaka...

now i know why i splurged on a box of puffs plus... i must have had some knowing that soon i would need them...

yesterday.... a friend...

2008-12-20T04:17:00.000-08:00

asked me if... i was on anti-depressants...? replying no...i'm not... after about 15 minutes....i asked him why did you ask me... if i was taking anti-depressants...? he explained why.... (his story to tell...not mine)... my metaphorical entry yesterday... hit close to home with my friend... not to mention his concern for me... and my well being... i told him later....i'm not depressed...just realistic... right now...my reality... is less than desirable...

when there are constantly no results to my efforts...it's hard...it's hard to believe in anything... it's hard to see past my current reality... the thought of disappointing my sons...is almost more than i can take... seeing the disappointment on my sons faces is the absolute worst feeling... i have ever experienced.... i just can't fail them...i just can't... and i feel like i am...

drastic situations...take drastic measures... "it's the most wonderful time of the year" the song comes on again....

i spent a large portion of the day...working at mikeC's house... completing his closet... hanging new racks... trying to find... studs to hang the 8 supports on... pretty funny.... by the last two i finally had it down...transferred...the clothes hanging on the free standing rack in the hall to his new and improved closet... holy shit does he have a lot of clothes... i even met...the ex wife....not at all what i imagined...however...mike had described her...on more than one occasion...it was still a surprise...

i ended up spending the evening with leighton... both of us tired for much different reasons... just after dinner we dozed off... waking around 10... movie marathon time... we laughed.. and chatted... he had overheard my phone call yesterday morning...so he was a bit more mama attentive than normal... it's now 2:30 a.m.... we're wide awake...another movie getting ready to start...both wanting desperately to sleep... he says... you know what you need mom... is a "joe black" aka...a man in your life.... this too took me by surprise... leighton has always been extremely possessive of me... not to mention protective.... i asked him a few qualification questions... which we agreed on... this is huge... really huge... my baby... wants me to have love in my life... for the last 15 years he's pretty much despised every man i have ever had in my life...only two has he cared much for... leo... and then a guy i saw for a few months in the summer of 07...

it's a new day...and after giving thanks for my health... i wake with my head all stopped up.... slight headache from pressure build up... no energy...and very little sleep... thank you... thank you... for this wonderful day... another day in paradise as some would say... make believe... pretend... lose track of what's real....thank you for my sons... for my beautiful sons... thank you for making their lives better...and for their dreams coming true...thank you thank you...thank you for my new life... for my new beautiful life...

thank you for

2008-12-19T03:31:00.000-08:00

taking this life away....thank you for taking this life away...thank you for taking this life away... repeat repeat... wet roads.... foggy drive north....riding shotgun...staring... out the window... the country side...lays dormant...gray and misty... rolling hills....branches bare.... thank you for taking this life away.... repeat...repeat... arriving in stillwater... car loaded with boxes and paper for packing... an extra heater...to warm the tiny duplex...

life changes...constantly...without warning it hits... plans...for a better tomorrow... only to find... tomorrow is the same... no move west... another semester in school... another dream...interrupted... the bad guy wins again.... thank you for taking this life away....repeat...repeat...

in a dream awake....hwy 33... 4:30 pm... 70 mphs....staring out the window.... the country side lays dormant....gray and misty...rolling hills...branches bare....the door opens....falling from the car....body flying through the air... hitting the asphalt...sliding... rolling over and over ... plunging into guard rails... spinning...spinning...slower...slower.... mangled..... blood ridden.... broken body....lays lifeless.... thank you for taking this life away...repeat repeat...

momentary lapse of reason...

tired from the disappointment.... tired from all the shit.... tired of pretending everything is okay.... tired of believing my dreams will come true... wanting so....to throw in the towel... give up... just give up....

the truth is... with each day...my life gets worse... the shit is piling up...mountain size... i don't know how to fix it...i don't know where to turn... i give up... i quit...

so today i say thank you.... thank you for the strength to let go... the strength to do what i need to make a difference...thank you for giving me this day... my sons...my friends who i love dearly...my family... thank you for fulfilling their dreams and mine.... thank you for this mornings horizon just before sunrise...the ever so beautiful oklahoma...orange magenta...sky... thank you for this holiday season...time with my sons.... thank you for the ability to see the truth... thank you for all the disappointment... thank you...for the struggle...the heartbreak...for this day that lies ahead... thank you for possibility... thank you for the abundance...in my life... for my health...for believing....thank you....

warming up.....

2008-12-17T04:29:00.000-08:00

yesterday....afternoon i stopped by my house...to pick up some art supplies...for a project i was working on..... expecting to walk into the cold house i had left 5 hours earlier...to my surprise...it was toasty warm..... taylor and leighton had picked up some firewood and kept a fire blazing all day..... then... i noticed a new heater and blurted out.... "you guys bought a heater" so excited.... then taylor said NO... no...i went to get something out of my car...and when i came back..i saw this box (pointing to the box behind him) on the front porch....santa had been by and left a brand new ultra something...extra quiet heater....OMG...... i so love being warm....with all my heart...thank you santa... thank you...so so much...

i'm loving this holiday season... merry merry to all....

adding to...the twist....

2008-12-16T04:42:00.000-08:00

to this amazing life of mine... it's so cold outside.... it's pretty damn cold in my house too... the heater in the living room blew last week... i'm guessing it might be 50 degrees in here...not bad.. considering...what it's like outside... i'm all bundled up...nestled under layers and layers of blankets... my head wrapped in a velvet scarf....wishing i had a pair of gloves.... the tank top...sweater and fleece jacket are helping some..... just my fingers and nose...exposed to the cold... the window next to my bed... leaks a bit...letting the cold air in... contemplating a fire in the fire place... oh...but it's too cold to get out of this cozy warm bed of mine...

i didn't realize how being so cold can make you so tired.... sleepy feeling... my eyes blink in slow motion....lingering closed...then reopen...... this is fucking crazy.... why am i so happy....even more crazy...don't ya think...

a few weeks ago...when i thought to myself.... i can't imagine living another 20 years... having to do this for another 20 years... it makes no sense... the struggles are much to great...the lack... much to sparse... so...i have to put it in the right perspective... i do have so much more than many... but i've never had this little in my entire life... i've never been cold....i just don't want to live the rest of my life like this... oddly... others who have so much more...are not nearly as happy with this life... they don't seem to see the fruit on the trees... the stars in the sky...the love that surrounds them... and they have so so much to be grateful for... the warm house they live in...the food they eat....the hellos from friends and strangers.... the kindness of so many who reach out...and show them how much they care... they have so so much... to live for...

i don't know the answers...but i do know...that somehow somewhere...the strength comes... nothing last forever... and change is always happening... always it comes... i know that there is still so much more to live for... so much more...to experience... so much love out there....

today...i give thanks for warmth...for this cozy warm bed...my home...my beautiful sons... my family... my friends.... i give thanks for the new heater that comes to me today...the hot shower i get to take... for all the wonderful experiences... i get to have....for the 5 bucks in my pocket... thank you for this day... this beautiful ...tuesday... for all the magical miracles...of this life... for believing in all the possibilities....anything is possible... thank you... for this holiday season...this time when we get to give ..... the smile... on the face of another... thank for the laughter of children... the phone call from a friend....and the love that surrounds me...
merry merry....to all..and to all...lots of love and light...

putting things into

2008-12-15T03:39:00.000-08:00

perspective...a different twist on my life... the other day...a friend...said something to me... which resonated deep in my soul.....he said the exact words i had said to myself only a week or so before "i can't imagine living another 20 years..... doing this for another 20 years...." suddenly i found myself responding with....what the hell are you talking about....? shocked by his words...as if he had already given up....he didn't want to do this anymore... i knew....exactly what he meant....however my response was much different than i expected.... encouraging my friend... telling him... he is gonna be around for a long time...

he has made life choices...that free him of the normal daily life routines.... he retired early... and has absolutely no desire to work... or do anything else for that matter...

i on the other hand do... i have an incredible desire...to work...and do whatever i can to make a difference in my life....and the lives of others... i pray for a job...that requires my mind to exercise everyday... a job that requires my full attention... a job...that fills me up with passion... motivation... and ambition... i am so ready... to have a place to go everyday....routine... earning a living...paying my bills... having money to buy groceries...and gas for my car... to get a new pair of shoes if i like... and more than anything a purpose... a real reason to get up everyday....

so on this magical monday...i give thanks...for the job of my dreams...our christmas tree...decorated with lights and ornaments... for the success of the ride4warmth bike race...and all the donations... from the community...and the generous sponsors.... i give thanks for my cozy warm bed...and the new heater... to keep my house warm...for the lovely day that lies ahead... for the love that surrounds me... for my family and friends....thank you for all the beauty in my life...the magical moments... the miracles...small and big...the money to pay my bills...and buy christmas gifts for all those i love... thank you for this wonderful holiday season....

love and light...to all..and may the spirit of the holidays fill you up with glorious magical moments to cherish always.....

i find myself...wanting to say

2008-12-14T04:31:00.000-08:00

something profound..wanting to feel something profound...the enlightenment... which mikeC explains is no different than learning to ride a bike....interestingly....in my life time....i have known hundreds of people who have learned to ride bikes...but i have been in the presence of only one...only one enlightened being.... an incredible experience i might add...... so if the two are equally the same...then why such a discrepancy... perhaps it is...one enlightened being is the same as hundreds and hundreds...maybe even thousands of people... doing something much much less thoughtful....something that requires very little focus... collectively they become one ginormous profound being.... one = thousands and thousands.... perhaps it is... mikeC is right..... no matter what we do today....has no impact....this is our one and only...beginning and final destination.... we are truly nothing more than matter....dust particles... a science project... that everything is nothing.... we are nothing....

am i stupid... or something...am i just some fucked up person.... who doesn't get it... it's not that i refuse...to believe this... it's just...it is incomplete...it doesn't make any sense ....in my mind.... my heart....perhaps it is until you have had near death experiences...until you have experienced the impossible...then perhaps you cannot see beyond...that which limits you... that which keeps you...bound to your skin....to your science.... the need to free yourself of the physical self.... seems to me...no different than that of spirit....of love...of the true essence of what and why we exist in the first place....

if it is....this is it...then why bother... why bother to do shit... why not just sit around and do nothing.... why try and make a difference for our children...why bother to save the planet... or save the dying species.... because it just doesn't matter.... we are nothing...and within that nothingness...is emptiness....

i suppose we all have to live and believe that which brings us comfort... i can say...i choose to believe...there is something more...but it's not a choice...for me... i do understand the science of things... that's easy... it's much more difficult to believe or see outside of our physical self... to see beyond that which we hold onto... bottom line...is love... if i did have a choice....it would be love... over nothingness...emptiness... it would be....to believe...that i didn't just get born one day... give birth to my sons...then we just die... and that's that...

i've always...wondered how people can be so finite...that they don't feel or see the possibilities... that there is so much more than the physical self....however i am starting to understand...why... it's like a shield...a protection... that to believe there is more... is much to painful... it is much to freeing... it is.... they limit themselves to a life of nothing... of emptiness.... to protect themselves...

okay...now i'm really confused....

on a better note....today is the ride4warmth bike race.... hoping for a good show of riders racers...and spectators....

so on this day...i give thanks for all those who take time out of their day...to make a difference in the lives of others.... i give thanks for my sons...and my family and friends...for this amazing holiday season... for all the beauty and wonder in my life... thank you for the christmas tree...i dream of... for the abundance...in my life...for the new heater i need to keep my house warm... thank you for this incredible day...filled with magic and miracles.... thank you...for all the love and light...that surrounds me..that fills me up with hope...

once upon a time....

2008-12-13T03:31:00.000-08:00

there lived a girl.... with long blond hair... blue green eyes... she loved so much her closet full of clothes....her jewelry box full with diamonds and gold... her big beautiful home..... her luxurious car...... she never ever lacked for anything...whatever she wanted she could have... always enough food to eat... never a worry....a life of plenty...
however in this life of plenty....there was one thing missing...one essential element...missing...

so....one day...she decided to go......walking away from her life of plenty.... she packed her bags... and off she went.... saying goodbye...to all her beautiful possessions... the life she thought she wanted...the life she had dreamed of...so many times as a child.... the perfect story book life... from rags to riches...

this is my story.... a story of strength and endurance...a story...of love and passion.... a beautiful magical story....

i have never regretted walking away...that day... i had wanted to for years...6 to be exact... for so long....i was much to afraid...afraid of what people would say....of what my family would do...would they turn their backs...would they choose him...over me....

when we become someone... other than ourselves to please another.... we lose... we lose our sense of self... our identity... we lose our purpose... our passion... we lose....everything that really matters....

one day... i woke up....and couldn't find me anywhere near me... i had become silent...i had become...what i thought he wanted me to.....the perfect stepford wife.... with the perfect hair...the perfect clothes... the perfect car...the perfect friends.... the perfect house.... the perfect children... the perfect husband... but within all this perfectness.... there was me... deep inside...buried...underneath years of covering up....there i was.... hiding... wanting desperately to be me.....

in the beginning.... it was like being a child... a whole new world had just opened it's doors to me..... a world i had never ever seen or known before.... everything felt like my first kiss.... the tingle...the sensation.... the rush..... 34 felt like being 18 again....

the day i woke up.... the day that set me free..... was an ordinary day in the spring of 1992... i had gone to the student union at UCO....to join some friends for coffee and conversation... i was the only woman... sitting among 6 men....ages ranging from 18 to 35... we were discussing art... all of us being students of art....studying art...creating art... these discussions were quite frequent...however this one... this particular one...changed my life forever.... it was the moment when....i began to speak......and all the men....stopped their chatter....silence fell...and all 6 of those men...looked at me....they listened to me... they acknowledged me....for the first time in my entire life.....i knew i was being heard.... i had never ever known that feeling.... i had no idea how incredible it could feel...to have a voice.... that was the single most powerful moment of my life... it was like....i had been imprisoned within my own skin...since birth....and suddenly.... i was free... i was truly free....

some say...i left my husband for another.... not true... i left my husband....in search of me... in search of love of self of a higher purpose...spirit..... for many years after leaving david.... i believed...had i stayed... i wouldn't be alive today....

yesterday afternoon....i had drinks with the man...that everyone thought i left david for.... he too believed i had... for all these years...he's been holding onto guilt... a silent guilt... i looked at him.... eye to eye... telling him no...no...i didn't leave him for you.... you were a bonus...and perhaps gave me the strength...to do what i had to do.....but no.... it wasn't you...it was me.... i loved scott... i still do.....aways will....but he is married...while he tells me of his love for me ... all i can think of is his wife... does she know... i believe yes... she must at some level... perhaps not to the intensity that he feels it....but she knows.... telling him... she comes first... i will never be the wife to you...she is and always will be.... thank god... i have this incredibly powerful love of sisterhood....a true respect for the union of marriage...for her.... he and she...belong together...and it is not mine...to take away... nor could i...would i... as i love him.... i love more that he has her.... she has him... and she... is his wife...

what is today.... oh yes saturday...sensational saturday.... on this day... i give thanks... for this journey...long ryde home.....for the magic of the holiday season... for the strength.....to pursue my dreams...for the sense of self...i discovered long ago...for the voice i have... the possibilities... i give thanks for the love of others.. and the love i get to give back...without condition...without strings....just pure...beautiful...glowing...love... i give thanks for my sons....my friends.... for Val Harbison... who i get to see today.... thank you for the abundance in my life...the struggles that have brought me to this place...
thank you for the lack...of plenty... and for the plentiful....for the once upon a time.... and the once upon a future.....feeling the light of love....warming my heart... my soul...my spirit... i am truly blessed....truly

fruitful friday.....

2008-12-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

today...is my grandmother thelma's birthday.... even though she died when i was 9.... i remember her so well... my mother's mother... a sweet woman... with deep dark red hair... glasses... she died at age 57....young... to think that she was only 7 years older than i am now is hard to believe.... my mother has a collection of newspaper clippings... with pictures of my grandmother in her early days.... when they were of the elite in oklahoma city...and tulsa...oil people.... photographs of her at social functions... a beautiful smile.... on her face... wearing a fashionable hat...a mink coat... or gorgeous gown... sparkling jewelry.... strings of pearls around her neck.... the clippings have long since yellowed...the paper brittle... a history of my families legacy in this city.... my mother doesn't talk much about those days...but every now and then... she pulls out the old family albums.... sharing memories....of her childhood....pictures... telling stories...

family traditions are those things...we carry with us throughout our life time... as long as i can remember.... the morrison family decorated the christmas tree on my grandmother's birthday... our tree was always blue and silver...ornaments dating back to the 30's... elaborate baubles... of glass glazed in silver blue... the tree would be purchased two or three days prior to decorating... my mother insisted...the branches needed to fall... after being bundled up with string for days and days... the decorating was always an event... not to mention all the other holiday decorations hung or displayed throughout our home....the tiny little christmas village on the mantle... a christmas castle...made of cereal boxes and oatmeal cartons.... covered with shiny wrapping paper.... our home was a christmas paradise.... i couldn't wait...to start the decorating... oh how i loved that little christmas village....

dad...always strung the blue lights...the replaceable bulb kind...before....the four of us....would begin...hanging the ornaments.... mom ... guiding us.... helping us get it just right...no no...the big ones go on the bottom....the small ones near the top.... silver slivers of mylar...icicles...were hung last... all of us given a small amount.... jumping up and down...tossing the icicles......watching them fall feather like.... shimmering ....shiny... onto the tree... the sound of christmas music....playing in the background... cookies and cakes.... special holiday drinks.. laughing... and singing... all evening long... after all the decorations were hung... the overhead lights would go out...we would sit.... quietly...staring...at this incredible masterpiece...blue illumination....sparkling shimmering...memories...anticipation... each of us...in our own little dream...of what santa will bring....

i don't have a tree to decorate tonight...oh how i wish i did... the ornaments have been stored in the attic for a few years now... didn't have a tree last year either... i didn't care about the holidays...until the boys came home....then one night...i got out all the lights...and began...stringing them about the house...the walls became our tree.... the entire room shined bright with holiday lights....we called it our ghetto christmas....no packages...no ornaments...just lights.... for some reason we all seemed to take great joy in this... finding some sort of humor in the fact that we didn't have a tree...but we had our lighted living room... it was perfect....

i suppose the meaning of christmas....is what we make of it... we can choose to ignore it...or we can embrace it...welcome the spirit of the holidays.... it doesn't take much really.... all you need is a little love.... a little smile... a string of lights... and...to believe anything is possible...

on this day.... fruitful friday...i give thanks for the memories..... for the day that awaits me... the possibilities...all my dreams coming true... our beautiful christmas tree... packages waiting to be unwrapped....my sons coming home for the holidays... my wonderful life... my beautiful friends... my family...for each and every miracle of each and every day..... wishing you all... a magical fruitful friday....

thankful thursday....

2008-12-11T05:41:00.000-08:00

thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you!!! the instructions for thankful thursday... are...and i quote....to be thankful for everything... and to repeat...thank you seven times...over and over...throughout the day....

i'm not feeling so happy today... the dear john letter... is getting me down a bit... sucks really... i tried to make light of it...but the truth is... i will miss him... i enjoyed him... i liked him...more than i expected... he brought into my life...something quite beautiful... sure there were a few not so pleasant moments... however... there were many more wonderful moments...than not so good ones... i suppose it's better now than later... there were differences... one that cannot be ignored... his desire for children... other than that... they were more social...

i've never been very good at the breaking up part of a relationship... i know why... it's because those i choose to have in my life...i feel them deep in my heart... i feel a connection...beyond this earth...something i cannot explain... perhaps it is love... perhaps not... all i know is when it's there... it's there...and i can do nothing...to change it... just let it...fill me up...and enjoy...

this day...there are many more pressing things i must deal with... things that are more monetary...more immediate... not sure...how it will turn out... the god's honest truth is... i need a miracle... a huge...miracle... when it rains it pours... not just a nice little spring shower...but one of those... ginormous...down pours...with wind blowing... lightening striking...thunder roaring... it's not like i don't try... because i do... i really do... there are things...in this life...that just don't make sense to me...things i'm not so good at... which seem to always overshadow those things that i am good at... i used to think that being a good person... doing what i can to help others... never ever asking for much... not blaming others for my heartaches...accepting responsibility...for my mistakes...will somehow... protect me... but the hard cold truth is... good people always...always come in last... we are the ones...the world tramples on...yells at... blames... go to great lengths to hurt...we are the ones...that cry..wondering what we did wrong...why does this hurt so fucking bad... why... can i not ever seem to get it right.... i suppose it's just my calling in life...

this is not a feel sorry for kelley...woe is me.....it's a reality...i must accept and live with... sometimes i want to give up...call it quits... throw in the towel... today... is one of those days...because no matter how thankful i am....how good i am.... i can't for the life of me...figure out...how to fix the mess i'm now in... today...will prove to be my final demise...or my greatest success... today....i will stand in the light of love...and with all my heart...give thanks...for all that i do have....for all the beauty that surrounds me... for a miracle....the miracle that will change my life...forever....

so with this sad heart of mine... the knowledge and belief in possibility...miracles...i give thanks... for whatever...comes to me today....for this life i live...for the christmas tree...that sits quietly... lighted and decorated in my mind...my incredible imagination.....

thank you....thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you....

wonderful wednesday....

2008-12-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

this is my favorite day of the week... for a really silly reason...i was born on a wednesday..... at 6:55 a.m....february 26th 1958..... long time ago...but in the scheme of things...not that long ago...

mikeC came over for dinner last night... i was a bit worried he wouldn't come out from under his new extra soft fuzzy red blanket... but he did... i actually learned some things about him.... things that took me by surprise...and at the same time... made perfect sense...

as all of us...there are so many beautiful..wonderful aspects...elements....of our lives.... some.... difficult for me to understand...others come quite naturally... mikeC....has become...a very dear friend to me... more than one could ever expect a friend to be.... i don't think in my life...i have ever had a friend...quite like him... it's funny to watch others respond to our chatter...the way we talk to one another... some... it offends...others have this look of "what" on their faces..... we have our own little place in this world...that no one else...fits into... i am most grateful for this friendship... for mikeC... he is an amazing man... an amazing human being... thank you... for coming into my life....and giving me the gift of your kindness...your understanding... your insight....your knowledge...your perspective...and experiences....

well it came... the expected dear john letter.... "glad we can still be friends..." sugar coated with lots of kind words... a nice... let me down easy letter...via email... my favorite actually.... just for the record...i have a great deal of wonderful qualities... i suppose another thank you is in order...

so while i light another cigarette... take another sip of coffee...plan my day... so much to do... i realize...nothing has changed... to speak of... the clouds are gone...the sun is out... lucy is laying next to me...i still have bills to pay.... my bed to make...a shower to take... errands to run... a life to live... crazy...how one day....someone is there...and the next not...and everything is still the same.... maybe today... something wonderful will happen....i will win the lottery... my true love will walk up and grab my hand...look into my eyes...and we will stand in silence...no words... just feel the thing we've both been missing our entire lives...the love...we've searched high and low for... oh...wake up already... slap slap...pinch pinch... i think i just got lost in a happily ever after fairy tale.... i was actually wearing a beautiful white gown... bows in my hair.... glass slippers on my feet... oh...and little blue birds...fluttering about....whistling...beautiful love songs...

okay...really i'm sad...i liked him...he was cozy...and warm...he is a beautiful man... and i am grateful....no really i am grateful...especially to have had lots of great...incredible...wow.... sex with him...oh no....okay...i did just say that... he was good... one of those lovers... that....got it right every time.... i will miss that...okay...i'm being honest here....a good lover is hard to beat...ha!!! you all know exactly what i'm talking about... i know you know.... this is the problem i have.... i seem to equate... sex with love... for sex to be really good.... for me...there has to be a connection...deeper than the skin... there is this freedom...that exists... the perfect dance... no thought...the innate primal... raw... wild... sweaty... dance... that is so rare...so incredibly exhausting... it feels like part of you... it feels like the missing link... an extension of your own body... moving together...with such sweet...intensity...such passion... you never ever want it to end... holy shit....i'm getting all worked up...ha!!!

i need another cigarette.... puff puff....goes the weasel... oh wait...that's the magic dragon...

so here i am... alone... not lonely... i have a smile on my face... the wonderful feeling of gratitude... of a new day... all the wonderful...beautiful people in my life...the things i have...the abundance... the miracles... the realization of how blessed i am...the warmth in my home....the hot shower...i'm getting ready to enjoy... the food in my belly.... my sons coming home today... the smile on my face.... the successes and failures of my life... the love that surrounds me.... the magic... of this moment... life is truly amazing... thank you... thank you...thank you....

wishing you all... a day of gratitude...of happiness...of success...and love...lighted with possibility....

terrific tuesday...

2008-12-09T07:41:00.000-08:00

is here.... thank you ...thank you... i need to get my ace in gear and get out of this cozy bed....i do have things to do today... my mind seems to be heavy with thoughts of yesterday... trying to come to terms...with a bit of emotional drama... the shit...actually took me by surprise...and had a huge impact on my day... dragging me into a place of darkness... words...do have this way...of lingering... for weeks.... months... sometimes years... the old saying..."sticks and stones may break my bones...but words can never hurt me"...is the biggest pile of shit..i have ever heard... the thing is...bones heal..but words...they last a life time.... so... i think today...i will be grateful for all the kind words....in the dictionary... random acts of kindness... my friends.... my beautiful wonderful friends... for john long... a man...i adore... my sons... who always have a way of irritating me and making me laugh at the same time... the dinner i had with mikeC last night....wine and chili... who knew...!!! the dinner...i get to cook for him tonight... a good ole kelley meal....only a few have had the opportunity to enjoy... my sons and their friends... that's about it....no worries mikeC...i don't know how to cook buffalo... nor do i want to know how to cook it....

my christmas lights are still on...from last night...hoping for snow...and a christmas tree... building a fire in the fireplace....a cup of hot chocolate...with whip cream and chocolate sprinkles.... a kiss... and a cuddle... but that apparently is out of the question...my love life...seems to have again... come to an abrupt halt...for reasons.... that make no sense to me..but hey...that's life right... he was much to young for me anyway...damn cradle robber...i did it again...oh you naughty girl... hey baby....wanna come home with mama....i so didn't do that...did i...? i sure know how to pick em.... okay...the truth is...for the most part is was fun while it lasted.... i'm so so glad...i'm not 30ish anymore...god was it that difficult...did i suffer from so much angst...? did i turn trivial things into momumental issues....i'm thinking the answer is probably ....yes... in my defense...i did have a few distractions...during my 30's... two ...being my sons... the majority of my time...my 30's...was focused on those two wonderful boys of mine...still is..to be honest....

on this day.... i read my affirmation for the week...of abundance.... it's ever so exciting... to have the insight of gratitude.... the ability to see...past the struggles of my day to day life...and see what i do have in my life... i have so so so much to be grateful for... and i'll be damned if someone else is going to take it away from me... like right now...i have a smile... so perfect...so sincere... it's coming up from inside of me....an upside down rainbow... oh..i love so much christmas music... where's the radio....

have a beautiful day...everyone... kissing you...hugging you....sending you love and light... and a magical day...filled with wonderful surprises.... joy....and happiness.... if i'm lucky ... a christmas tree...will come to me today...a beautiful....green lovely christmas tree.... before my son moves away...we can decorate it together... the three of us.... what a wonderful thought... what a wonderful memory... oh i love this smile....

before i go to sleep...

2008-12-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

feeling exhausted... emotional overload... i just have one thing to say.... if each of us...took the time... to see just one person...through their eyes...walk in their shoes...would we still be so quick to judge.. would this somehow...help us understand...

tonight...my thank you will be... for mikeC.... he's already on my list... but tonight...he is added again...with stars...and kisses...and hugs... and thank you for being my friend... my very own friend... who never ever seems to stand in judgment...who always offers a kind word... a hug... and sometimes a kiss on the forehead...

so while the tears...go streaming down my cheeks... the sadness in my heart feels heavy.... i can still find comfort...and time...and the energy...to say thank you...with all my heart...thank you...

i wish you all... a very very restful night... and a happy happy terrific tuesday....ha!

giving....thanks

2008-12-08T05:53:00.000-08:00

has brought me amazing insight... enlightened me as to the power of gratitude... things that typically have a negative impact... don't seem so bad...or i can easily let go...

as i mentioned before... my thank you list....is somewhat random...whatever comes to mind...i add it to my list...and say thank you.... i say thank you throughout the day...for so many different things...some that are currently in my life...some i would like to have in my life...others are somewhat abstract...as to being a better person...for love and light... for silly things... like sneezing... saying thank you for pleasant and unpleasant situations....

along with the good...is always the bad... there are always those things i don't quite understand... or i wish i didn't have to deal with... and it seems like...whenever things are going really good... there is always that one person...playing the devils advocate... or doing whatever they can...to bring me back down to earth...making sure they point out and i know everything that's wrong with me...or some shit... does this somehow make them feel better about themselves... is it...i need to know...what a total fuck up i am... and they feel it's important to... tell me and others how awful i am... thank you to all of you...who feel the need to set me straight...and make sure i'm aware of my horrible ways....

so after... hearing these lovely things about myself... and working all day on the trinkets n baubles party saturday... i decided sunday morning... i would just stay home.... my son leighton had come in the night before from stillwater... so we spent the day working on the house...cooking and decorating.... eating breakfast together......we started the pot roast early .... leighton raked up 4 or 5 bags of fallen leaves...we got out the christmas lights....checking each strand... at night fall we began hanging the lights... wrapping...twisting...cursing... strand after strand... our next door neighbor was doing the same...(not cursing though) after a couple of hours....leighton and i had created a magical lighted wonderland.... taylor came home too.... surprise!!!! the three of us had dinner together... the way we do... sitting on the sofa... glasses of milk.... bowls of pot roast... the umm umms...mom this is so good... a movie...selected by taylor... the tv remote king...channeling back and forth from movie to football... the day was complete....the weekend was complete.... my sons home... for the whole night....

i suppose....there will always be the negative...the nasty...the angry... and bitter... but... as long as i say thank you... find the goodness in my day... somehow...everything will be okay...

the morning after....

2008-12-07T07:06:00.000-08:00

the trinkets n baubles.... is here again... damn where does time go...? every year...there is a new twist... a new....oh no.... what if... holy shit.... oh oops...it broke... this year we lost 5 baubles while hanging them for display... two... i broke all by myself... with a little help of to much glitter... suddenly...i was sparkling from head to toe.... and then intrigued... by the snowflake like glitter... falling slowly to the ground.... repeat...repeat.... i couldn't help myself... shaking the glitter off of my clothing... a stream of sun....shines through the window...illuminating...flickers.... opalescence... tiny sparkles...smile....smile.... insisting every one watch as i gently shook the glitter from my body.... oohs and ahhs....whispered...

this year... the new twist came early saturday morning....... where are all the ornaments....??? usually the day before the party... the closet is full with a couple of hundred ornaments....not this year..... this year....there were maybe 30....or so submitted by 10 a.m. saturday morning....
kat...cristin and i began... calling out... to the universe....to bring in the ornaments...they will come....they will come...bring us baubles..... ha!!! we even held our hands...above our heads... sweeping them towards our faces....soft slow motion.... mantra...repeat.... bring ornaments...

it worked...

by 2 o clock...we had so many beautiful ornaments....

for some of us.... this is when the party begins...it's actually my favorite part.... inventorying.. displaying.... getting everything ready for everyone else to enjoy... this year there were 5 of us...working together... kat...my right hand man...cristin... her daughter melody... andrea and myself..... kat and i have this down to a fine art.... knowing exactly what needs to be done...and how to get it done.... the work is tedious... tagging each ornament....tying fishing line onto each... counting... recording.... making sure we haven't missed a thing.... this year with the exception of a few breaks...preparation went smoothly...we knocked it out in 3 hours.... not bad....

so now...it is on to the next fund raiser...the ride4warmth bike race... donation boxes are in place throughout the city.... sponsors are committed... alley cat style race mapped out... need a few more people for the check points... gotta get the posters out...with sponsors names....race and registration time details.... now i ask....everyone...to ask for sunshine...60 degrees.... no wind... on sunday december 14th...all day long... last year...the scheduled race day was the same day as the ice storm.... sunday december 9th.... crazy....

happy happy holidays....

thankful thursday...!!!

2008-12-06T05:07:00.000-08:00

last week... before the holiday i read something about thankful thursday... taking time to give thanks for everything... repeating thank you over and over again throughout the day... i took this to heart... giving each day of the week an additional name...sensational sunday....merry monday...terrific tuesday... wonderful wednesday...thankful thursday...fruitful friday...sweet sunshiny saturday... then i made a thank you list...beginning with my sons... family...friends...my home...my lucy girl...and ollie cat...the ability to laugh at myself......a random list of gratitude.... each day...adding to the list... realizing... so many things...i have to be grateful for... instead of asking for something....i just say thank you for that something... the results...have had an incredible impact on my world.... it's as though i just woke up... feeling this warm smiley sensation in my gut....bubbling up....like a volcano of yummy energy...

each day has been filled with so much goodness...kindness...love... smiles...generosity.... laughter... hugs... gifts...unexpected phone calls... old friends...new friends....

i made a conscious decision to enjoy the holidays this year... no matter what...i am embracing this season with love...happiness...and gratitude... the funny thing is... i have less monetarily than i have ever had in my entire life... however with this lack... i have discovered great abundance... in every little thing...

i can't wait to decorate my house in the spirit of christmas... tie a red bow on lucy....place a tree in my front window....lights glowing....ornaments glistening....the scent of cinnamon...and spices... candles...and pine cones...wrapping gifts... this year...i'm celebrating...the beauty of giving... the power of gratitude... the closure...of a wonderful year... the beginning of a new one...the success of my friends and family... the kindness bestowed upon me each day.... the love that surrounds me...

don't even try...and tell me i can't...because....there is nothing.... at all that can stop me...

today...take a minute...just to say thank you...!!!
love and light to all...and to all....a very merry christmas!!!!

i'm still..........

2008-12-03T03:53:00.000-08:00

smiling from the holiday weekend.... like all families....we have our quirks... the perfect brother... the can't get things quite right brother....the psychotic sister... and the novelty (me)... things haven't changed much...over the years... as we come back together... the roles we played as children return... but now...there are 2 or 3 clones of each of us...as the years pass and our children grow into teenagers....young adults it becomes more and more clear how each and everyone of them embody so many of the same characteristics as each of us.... watching my sons and the children of my brothers and sister... is almost like watching the four of us... 30 years ago... damn i loved this thanksgiving... an amazing holiday... i'm still smiling....

moving on....

monday... i began working at a friends house... redecorating... but first...there is the cleaning and clearing out of 8 or 9 years of life... piling up... in each room... i chose to begin in the least cluttered room.... his bedroom.... two days and 7 ginormous bags of laundry....4 ginormous bags of give away clothes....3 full bags of trash...the room is for the most part done...
i must admit i'm most excited about this project....the house was built in 1930... arts and crafts style...wood floors...amazing wood molding and trim... french doors... it's almost like excavating... and uncovering all of it's wonder and beauty...... not to mention all the things that have gone missing over the years...just yesterday i found his eye glasses... looking to be 20 years old or so... when i held them up to dust them off....he got so excited....saying..."i've been looking for those" a sweet almost child like smile stretched across his face as i handed them to him... thinking to myself i can't imagine...how many memories...he has... how many things he saw...through those lenses...

this project is hard work... but at the same time... fun... i have so many visions...of how to reinvent this house... decorating... adding touches of golds, red oranges... dirty olive green... colors that reflect my friend...comfortable warm colors... cozy... unfortunately...i have not been given free reign as to creativity... and knowing my friend as well as i do... i have learned... how far i can push him...and when to just step back... the thing is...he too is incredibly creative...with such a wonderful sense of beauty....he knows just what he is comfortable with... i suppose this will make it a less complicated job...as well everything i do MUST be cat friendly... oh...no no no... the cats need to learn... however... that's not his way... it's my way... so far this seems to be my only real restriction... a big one...but one i can work around....

another bonus...is the furniture in his house...he has some very cool pieces...to work with... his taste is somewhat eclectic...a mixture of rattan... bamboo... wood...mission style furniture...early american... some i don't even know the period...kind of 70's style...i suppose...then there is the added touch of ... his love of the tao...and buddhism....

today...i will begin documenting the process... photographing each room and the change... the best part....to me... is the clean smell... replacing that of cat leftovers... the ability to walk through his house...without bumping into something... and giving him back his home... this lovely house... which deserves to be as glorious as it was intended....

the magic of this day...has already engulfed me.... life is good... really good!!!

i'm not sure what

2008-12-02T02:28:00.000-08:00

happened yesterday evening....why i panicked the way i did.... my heart began to pulsate so hard...so fast...i could hardly breath..... my head spinning into a dizzy swirl....like i had just seen a ghost....the room became a fog.... barely able to stand...holding my head with my hand.... i made my way outside of the restaurant... people staring at me...are you okay..... yes yes...i'm okay... leaning against the wall just outside the door.... trying to regain some sense of consciousness.... trembling.... dizzy....a family approaching me....looked at me.... are you okay... you're as white as a ghost.... !!!! yes yes..i'm okay....

soon two firemen came out of the restaurant....to check on me... are you okay...i stood... motionless... unable to speak... focusing on the two men....one 6'2" or so...the other 5'10...11"...making out their faces.... their clothing.... both wearing blue ball caps...blue t-shirts.... the smaller fireman wearing a jacket....finally whispering... yes yes...i'm okay... they stood their staring at me....a kind... concerned look... staying with me until mikeC came out.... he too was concerned.... have you never seen a gun....he asked.... yes...just not that close...

it was a gun... in a holster on a mans hip...not 3 feet away from me.... the man had been there 10 or 15 minutes.... before i noticed it... i looked over my left shoulder...at his uniform... my eyes....gazing downward at the man seated with his back to me....and there it was...a gun....a gun.... the man in a brown uniform....having dinner with his family....his wife...his daughter 4 or 5 years old and their baby.... nothing out of the ordinary.... but the gun.... the only clear vision remaining from the dinner.... the gun... flashing in my mind.... like a strobe...

i asked myself....why...why at this moment in time...did i react this way.... i remember telling mikeC....i equate guns with murder and death... still this was a very odd reaction... it was as though an energy much more knowing than me..... a telling of sorts... a fear deep inside...emerged with such intensity...i lost all control... it felt as though i was no longer in my body.... like i was having a premonition.... a powerful.... feeling of something dark... so dark.... consumed me...

eventually i gathered my composure enough to drive home....shaking....trembling...blurred vision.... still asking myself....why... it's not like i had never been around guns .... it's been years and years....more than 30... as a child... i remember my father and brothers...shooting guns...clay pigeons... quail hunting... my brothers would set bottles up...as targets and shoot away at them....

was it real...or my imagination...or just a deep seeded fear of guns...? i may never know why this effected me the way it did.... but then again.... maybe i will!!!

another......

2008-12-01T04:05:00.000-08:00

thanksgiving holiday has come and gone.... leaving me filled with... smiles... gratitude and wonderful memories....

for the first time since christmas of 1999....the last christmas with my father... we were all together again.... my brothers....chris and kip...their wives...diane and deanna...and their children.... sarah... little chris... samantha (the holy terror)... evin and cole... my sister shelley and her three daughters.... and my mother.... we all gathered at my uncle luke and aunt maggie's house in disney oklahoma on grand lake....my cousins kim, her new husband and rob were there with their children.... hope...gracie... the twins chris and luke.... and skylar.... head count 27 or 28.... luckily... they managed to find cabins for us all to stay.....some traveling 12 hours...some 9 or so...the boys and i...3 ....

thanksgiving morning arrives....taylor and i enjoyed a morning walk...the air brisk...down the road to the lake.. a low misty fog laid just over the water...as the sun rose...golden in the east... the two of us sat quietly.... while we looked upon this glorious vision.... the beginning of a new day... a memory.... recording in my mind....

slowly.... we all made our way to my uncles house for breakfast.... converging one by one... three by three....everyone so excited to see each other.... as my older brother walked into the living room standing just under the entry....tears...swelled in his eyes....his face became a warm shade of red.... beautiful...lovely...once in a life time happiness....

we ate...together....played flag football...a family tradition...going back to childhood... the boys.... now men with silver gray hair... lines of life...gracing their faces.... the laughter could be heard for miles and miles....the smiles contagious..... strategic plays.... family against family.... running.... passing the ball.... me with the camera....shooting blurred image after blurred image.... the sun warm fading into evening.... soon night fell upon us...... uncle luke built...a ginormous fire...rising to the heavens.... all of us gathered around... finding empty lawn chairs... pulling them close to the fire...stories being told...children roasting marshmallows.... we were all together again... each of us... celebrating...a day of thanks... a day...we will always remember... who knows if this will ever happen again... i don't suppose it really matters....because we had it this year.... we had each other.... we were all together.... even my father was there... we made sure of it.... i think he was probably hovering over us.... smiling upon us.... memories... of lives well lived.... of hope... and happiness.... he was there with us....

all of us agreed....this was the best thanksgiving ever.... as our family changes... some leaving us....others joining... there is this amazing... sense of belonging....the place we are all so familiar... no one is left out...even the newest members easily find their place in our family....

gratitude.... is a powerful thing........ being grateful for that smile... that hug so familiar... voices from the past.... eyes...of the future.... the laughter of children.... screaming little girls as they run without a care...chasing one another... the cheers and clink of wine glasses...swearing we will do this again soon....

saying good bye.... hugging...each and everyone..... my sons and i pile in the car....as we drive away... they all stand waving...shouting goodbye...love you.... one by one disappearing into the house.... as the last person enters....the door closes behind.... another year older... another thanksgiving.... has come and gone..... another memory... to carry on our family tradition....

last spring.....

2008-11-26T03:38:00.000-08:00

sometime in april i think..... the highly honored for his music talent vince gill and his lovely wife amy grant rolled into town...vince was to perform a benefit concert at "Grover Cleveland Elementary School" to raise funds to refurbish the old auditorium.... i remember hearing about this concert and thought how wonderful it would be to see vince...in our old school auditorium...the place where it all began.... the tickets were quite pricey....$500 each....whew!!!

one of our elementary classmates sent out emails to as many of us as he could find.... i began second grade at cleveland....a late comer compared to most... miss williams was my teacher.... the nicest woman...with dark loosely curled hair....glasses... she always wore the shirt dresses like mrs. cleaver on leave it to beaver.... the first email...from mike was letting us all know about the concert in an effort to get us back together...as well the opportunity to see vince in concert... the auditorium is rather small seating no more than 300 people... a few weeks later a reminder email came...and then another..... then one day.... i received an email saying...kelley... chip has some extra tickets and would like you to be his guest... apparently i was not the only fortunate cleveland kid to get this email....

the night of the event...20 of us....were back together in our elementary school.... the concert was an emotional experience....seeing kids...i had not seen since childhood...in the halls of the building some spent 7 years in...me 5 ....vince gill performing on the stage he had performed on so many years ago....at that time the stage seemed so large...swallowing up vince...as he sat in the center on a wooden chair.....playing his guitar...singing "house of the rising sun" .... oh those were the days.... that night vince performed the song that got him on the charts... a song popular when he was in 8th grade.... "amy" by pure prairie league.... he played and played...singing song after song...asking the audience for requests...telling childhood stories.... only those of us growing up in the sixties...going to that school could fully understand.... laughing... crying... he closed out the evening with the song we had heard him sing so many times before..."house of the rising sun"... there is no way to fully describe this night....

the next night.... we all got together at chip's house... telling stories from childhood...looking at old photo albums.... even though everyone had aged....they all looked the same...all acted the same... they were still the kids i had played chase...kickball...and soccer with.... thrown water balloons and snowballs with.... the memories came flooding back....like it was only yesterday....

that night brought us back together.... since then...several emails have been exchanged... with the holidays approaching... some coming home.... a reunion lunch planned for today....the only time available on every ones busy holiday schedule.... flashing back... to days when galoshes were fashionable....snow fell in feet rather than inches... girls could only wear dresses to school...pants were not allowed...white sparkle lipstick...april rain brought may flowers... silly things i remember.....people didn't seem to complain as much..... people seemed to enjoy life so much more.... perhaps it was being a child... protected from the heartaches...and struggles....

i find myself less excited about getting together again... hearing woes of life...complaints of being 50... whining about this and that.... nah.... i think i'd rather....remember the way it used to be... not a care in the world....the crush i had...the first kiss.... running as fast as i could.... jumping rope....in the rain.... hide and seek.... vince...and his guitar... singing....house of the rising sun.....in my brothers room...night after night....

thanksgiving........

2008-11-25T04:40:00.000-08:00

for many years after my divorce....i spent thanksgiving alone... working through the holiday for an upcoming show... sometimes spending it with friends....but mostly... alone... while my sons were in new mexico skiing with their father, step mother and brother.... i still joked about it... turkey versus skiing...hmm not a tough one...especially when the boys didn't even like turkey....

up until 1975....the year my older brother joined the army....thanksgiving in my family was an event...planned for a good month prior to the day of dining...and football... never less than 20 people at the table...my family... consisted of 6... 4 kids, mom and dad...then there were the aunts and uncles their kids....grandparents.... friends... a feast of all feasts....of course meal time was determined by the football games being televised that day...

mom would put the turkey on sometime in the wee hours of the morning.... timing and temperature...an essential part.... basting the turkey every hour on the hour.... preparing the homemade dinner rolls... the scent of rising yeast...and roasting turkey...woke me every thanksgiving morning.... mom would also prepare a huge breakfast...which was to tide us over until the late afternoon dinner....

each of us had our dishes to prepare... except my younger brother kip.... i think he was forbidden to enter the kitchen...... chris would do the stuffed celery...with cream cheese, pecans, and a secret measurement of Worcestershire sauce... i always prepared the waldorf salad with apples and marshmallows.....and the relish platters... there were at least 5 different types of pies... pumpkin pie.... chocolate cream pie...coconut cream pie...pecan pie...and a fruit pie...apple or cherry......
my father's mother doris.... always brought chocolate fudge...her annual contribution to both thanksgiving and christmas dinner.... my mom would make a grimace look as she took the wax paper lined shoebox full of fudge... saying thank you doris...what a nice surprise....!!!

my sister and i always set the table in the formal dining room...used only for thanksgiving and christmas.... as well my grandmother thelma's china, crystal and sterling flatware....mom insisting it had been in the family for eons..... dad would extend the table.... what seemed like 10 extra feet.... cursing and moaning the entire time...mom making sure the special table protecting folding pads were placed on top....then the damask table cloths.. another family heirloom.... carefully my sister and i would place each setting..... an exquisite display.... fit for a magazine cover....

around 2:30 in the afternoon.... dad would take the turkey out of the oven.... mom would make the giblet gravy.... mashed potatoes.... relay of rolls going in and out of the oven...... the aroma was absolutely sinful... slowly the table would fill up....with dish after dish.... all of us helping....

dinner time.....mom would shout.... it's time to eat.... !!!!

dad at the head of the table...with the turkey placed in front of him....mom opposite... me being the only lefty in the family sat at the end so i wouldn't elbow people during dinner... everyone seated.... first bowing our heads.... giving thanks for every minute of the day... the family...the food...the football....

dad standing up like the king of his castle....hovering over the turkey.... electric knife in one hand and a serving fork in the other.... he would begin carving away with such precision....sneaking bite after bite...... everyone scooping small portions of each dish being passed clockwise around the table.... no one dared to take a bite until dad was seated.... let the eating begin.... the hustle bustle ....the chatter.... all fell silent.... the only sound to be heard was the scraping of forks on the china....the mmm....oh this is so good.... would you pass the green beans.... the potatoes.... eating and eating until no one could move.... suddenly mom...who seemed to have more energy than 10 people put together...would say...who wants coffee... and pie....

soon the feast was over....slowly everyone piling into the den to watch football...fire blazing in the fire place....even if it was 60 degrees outside....tradition.... one by one the guest would leave.... at night fall it was back to the 6 of us.... tired.... quiet... stuffed... grateful....

wishing you all a thanksgiving filled with family...friends...and wonderful memories....

summing it all up

2008-11-23T04:22:00.001-08:00

what a week... glad it's come to a close...
highs and lows... of life can sometimes get the best of me.... last week was one of those weeks... every single day...was over the top huge.... monday.... spending the day...at isis working on the hookah bar... sanding...grinding....drilling...cutting... 5 or 6 hours later it was installed to my satisfaction...
craig was in an out all day... checking on me...making sure i had what i needed... he was in an amazing mood...even teasing me for not having an Ipod... so he left his for my listening pleasure... sweeeeet!!!
mikeC stopped by to check on the progress a couple of times... we had dinner that evening at cattleman's...me in my cute little pink henley... and 501 levi's covered with black steel soot..... i was a mess to say the least.... that was the same night of my incredible surprise... tuesday morning... mikeC calls...telling me about craig...but no one knew for sure.... in shock.... i called craig's cell.... his wife carol answered... it was in fact true... he was gone...another person in our small community passes on.. 6 young men in just 4 months.... that afternoon...val and i made his final arrangements at the crematorium... not a pleasant experience... val began talking of his life... his wife...his son mark... crying..tears rolling down his cheeks... holding his hand...while he shared with me... sweet stories from years ago...
wednesday...was much better.... the bike ride was amazing.... i also had a rather important personal meeting that morning.... another rescheduled... this was good news... then a meeting that evening for an upcoming fund raiser....
thursday... lots going on...birthdays.... wakes... working here and there... the temperature had dropped from the low 70's the day before to the low 40's... brrrr!!!! craigs wake... a beautiful celebration.....galileo was jam packed with people.... only one person got up and spoke...sandi...thanking everyone for being there and introducing a song lyric they had found in the office which craig had apparently written monday.....the night was full with so many hugs...so many tears.. so many shots....what was i thinking.....
friday hangover... oh ouch!!! draggin ace.. mikeC and i had lunch..then went to check out ginormous boulders.....we found the coolest boulder ... mike tried it out...in several positions... like one tries out a bed mattress...he sat on it... he laid on it... he walked around it...studying every visible inch of it... deciding this was the one... it's being delivered monday.... i must admit the rock is a sculptural masterpiece of color...shape and space.... nothing short of beautiful....
by saturday... zombie mode set in.... spent the day alone for the most part... quiet... restful...
today.... preparing for the upcoming holiday...family converging at grand lake...30 or so of us... holy shit... happy happy thanksgiving...!!!

the warm sun

2008-11-20T04:16:00.000-08:00

wednesday's bike ride.... my new ride peri... short for periwinkle..... mikeC on his red citizen breezer... yellow saddle bags on the back... we rode against the wind.... west on n.w. 19th... to may avenue... the median... recently landscaped...remnants of just completed work.... concrete disc shaped patios...walk ways from the curb...benches placed opposite... autumn in oklahoma... is always full with color...lasting anywhere from a week or two to a full month of oranges.. fading green into yellow....red...brown... against the clear blue sky...branches bare... standing with great majesty..... the bradford pear trees... offering the most brilliant color... illuminated by the afternoon sun...absorbing as much as my eyes could soak in....old houses... architecture found only in this part of town... bricks of brown with arches and high rising peaks... large front porches..... making a u turn at may.... not wanting this ride to end.... we continued east on 19th crossing penn avenue.... into gatewood... zig zagging...turning left and right.... making our way to the paseo.... taking a break at sauced... visiting with friends...as the patio began to fill up... mike and i planned our route back to his house... the least hilly path to travel.... we decided to take dewey... to 18th... a painted white line... the so called bike lane...was filled with debris.... glass.... leaves... gravel... not exactly... safe for two wheels... school was just getting out....kids on bikes... on foot....parents in cars lined up waiting for their children.... adding to the excitement of the afternoon ride.... we rode and rode... enjoying the breeze...the sun...the freedom only felt on a bike... a child like freedom...exploding inside... riding fast...then slow....stopping on a dime... turning circles in the middle of the street.... up and down the drive ways.... swerving back and forth... sometimes stopping at stop signs...other times... barely yielding as we rode through to the other side.... finally arriving at mikeC's.... exhilarated... happy... energized... the perfect ride...on a perfect wednesday afternoon... the warm sun... the light breeze....the color....

i had the.....

2008-11-18T05:53:00.000-08:00

most incredible surprise last night.... one of those surprises... so wonderful...all i could do was cry and laugh at the same time....

i'm still in shock....pinch pinch...is this real....last night...i must have gotten up 10 times... just to see if it was still here....

it's real...and it's mine...and i am smiling from ear to ear....

thank you thank you thank you....

random acts of kindness

2008-11-16T03:45:00.000-08:00

i'm starting a new campaign.... encouraging people to find one thing in their lives that is good... that makes them smile...that is filled with sunshiny happiness.... to look to the future with positive eyes and heart... to believe that anything is possible.... and that the media and it's gloom and doom does not control our lives....

lately... every time i turn on the radio... or the news... all i hear is gloom and doom.... even NPR which is usually a bit more upbeat... reports the fall of the stock market..the fall of the automobile industry... the banks...the home mortgages.... no one has the answer...the whole 700 billion bail out appears to be another "weapons of mass destruction" the AIG's of this country... i could care less about...and first hand knowledge knows the AIG's could care less about us too.... they just want our money...yep..that's it....now... it is being reported no one knows just how to distribute the 700 billion... who gets saved... no shit... are you really surprised...no really....?

it's getting to the point i'm afraid to turn on the radio or the news... because it's all bad... not that the news hasn't always been sensationalized.... to capture our attention... the fear factor....has great power..... and so many believe everything they hear.... the more fear they instill in our minds the more power they have over us... yesterday.... i read how there is always a high number of death threats reported after a presidential election....this time it's at an all time high... the hate and anger in this country is pathetic.... people hate in the name of religion...jesus crist... they hate because the bible says so... are you fucking kidding me...?

when i was working on my degree at UCO... i had a class with Dr. Watson... a class i had to take for my degree.... reluctant to be in his class...putting it off as long as possible... he completely intimidated me... hearing story after story....reinforced my own fear of taking his class... as it turned out the stories were only stories...and Dr Watson was without a doubt... one the most influential and impressive professors of my college career... on the first day of class he gave us our syllabus...thoroughly explaining what was expected of us as well he gave us an assignment which was to be completed by the end of the semester...this assignment didn't have anything to do with commercial art...it had to do with kindness.... the assignment was to intentionally perform...10 random acts of kindness...fill out the form for each and turn them in.... kindness is completely underrated... i found myself doing things i would have never thought of before... not that i wasn't kind...it was that i had to be thoughtful of acting kind all the time... be aware of my actions towards others... what a novel idea... kindness... who would have thought...

i challenge each of you....to intentionally... do something kind for a stranger...a friend... to thoughtfully....selflessly put yourself aside and do something kind just for the heck of it... write it down... you don't have to tell anyone....just record what you did... make a list of all the kind things you have done each day....it could be as simple as saying "excuse me i think you dropped this" or perhaps a SMILE..... just step outside of yourself and do something kind for another person... after about a week...read through your list of random acts of kindness... and see how you feel... it's not what others do for you....it's what you do for others....

i'm certain...after a week of consciously... performing acts of kindness... "the ember of love"... will be charged within you... and a smile...a warm smile will emerge within your heart...your lips stretching from ear to ear.... feeling really good about yourself... feeling like you made a difference...as small as it was... you did something kind.....you changed another persons day... which in turn...changed another persons day...and another and another.....

miracles.....

2008-11-15T12:19:00.000-08:00

november 13th... was one of those days... waking in the best mood...knowing this day would be one bad ass day... the world was gonna shine upon me all it's magic and in one swift moment....all my problems would disappear.... the pot of gold at the other end of the rainbow...was just waiting for me...to dig my hands into...

NOPE

around 9:30am... just after getting my house cleaned... and the floors swept...is when it all changed.... at this moment...i knew... my great day had just gone to shit...but...i was gonna hold on to my dream...as long as i could... it was while i was taking the full trash bag out of the container....when it split...from the bottom up...spilling all it's contents onto the freshly cleaned floor.... coffee grounds...wet paper... etc... i just laughed... and said...no god not today....you're not gonna do this to me today.... after cleaning up the mess.... taking the trash out....everything satisfactory... it was on to the next thing...

shower....brush wet hair...get dressed....head to the red cup....for a quick cup of coffee and a short visit... here comes the next blow...unexpected.... while waiting in line... one of the girls behind the counter decided to pull a little power trip... in front of everyone standing at the counter she asked me for a receipt..... what.... i don't have a receipt....you know for that $20....no i don't have the receipt...the 20 is in the envelop....i will bring the receipt in when i have it... a little history.... this is the red cups 6th annual trinkets n baubles holiday event....which i have put on every year.... outside of the food which the red cup handles.... the little power tripper.... completely played game on me..... i immediately went into defense mode....got a little irritated.... telling her i've been doing it this way for six years and there has not been a problem yet...i get some cash...pick up whatever is needed...bring back a receipt...simple as that.... she then tells me things change....and is wanting me to spend my money then get reimbursed.... no... i don't think so... it's your event.... i'm a volunteer...so we will be spending red cups money and i will bring back the receipt... okay.... of course....she had to get the last word in...telling me she would..."just talk to.....kurt..." i'm thinking is this a threat...or what..?....i really don't know what that meant... WTF ever... about 20 minutes later....i left the cup...to run errands.... still pondering what had just happened... okay...kelley let it go...she's pregnant... a control freak... just let it go...

the next thing i know...my car is driving funny.... the steering wheel is pulling to the left...and i'm hearing this clack clack clack sound...holy shit... what's up with this.... more history.... my right front tire was losing air...for like 3 weeks.... every morning i had to stop at the 7 11 put air in the tire... well i got that fixed wednesday night...or was it tuesday.... not permanently fixed but fixed enough to get around for a few more weeks...i had hoped anyway... both of my front tires were in really bad shape....worn slick to say the least.... so here it is... 11:30....thursday morning... and clack...clack...clack.... pulling into the 7 11 to check my tires... i see that now my front left tire was losing air... i'm an expert at this now... right...so i grab the air hose...and begin to fill up the tire when i notice what appears to be a toggle bolt in my tire... yep... a toggle bolt...

okay....this was it... the straw that broke the camels back.... i knew right then i was in trouble....

my day was going to hell in hand basket...still holding on to my dream.... i wasn't gonna let this get me down...nope...i wasn't...
eventually it did....4:30pm... i took some tools to mikec's house for some work i am doing.... mike suggested we take isabella to the firestone place.... to get the tire fixed....well of course... they couldn't get to it until friday morning... while standing at the counter....i could feel the tears....they were coming and nothing was stopping them... i looked at the firestone guy...then to mike... saying... i don't want him to see me cry....quickly turning away.... slipping my sunglasses down over my eyes...i walked out of the building.... mike offered to take me home.... but i had one more stop...

i went to visit a friend...when the crying really hit...and wouldn't stop... i cried and cired for hours....at 10:30pm i went to get in my car to go home and the tire was completely flat.... i had to drive on it for several blocks to get air.... crying the entire way.... screaming not very nice things at myself.... while people passed me....my hazard lights flashing... oh...this is such a great f...ing day....

friday morning arrives....i'm still here... still angry about the toggle bolt....another flat tire... the world sucks...

okay...this is where the miracle comes in....... mikeC followed me to the firestone place again...dropped isabella off...it would take about 2 hours... my spirits way low... exhausted from all the crying...emotionally drained... still teary...mike and i went to breakfast....ran a couple of errands.....stopped at the red cup...and after about 30 minutes there... we left... to run more errands.... my phone rings.... hello.... hi kelley? this is bubba... at firestone... oh yes...hi..is my car ready...well no... it's not...the tire is unrepairable....repeating out loud what bubba had said.... mike responded...i was afraid of that... anyway... there was no other choice but to get a new tire.... within 15 minutes bubba called again..saying the other tire is bald... and needs to be replaced as well.... an hour or so later...isabella had new tires... and was ready to go...

this is what i'm thinking....if the toggle bolt had not jumped up and poked itself into my tire.... i would have continued driving on the unsafe bald tires as long as i could...which might have ended in disaster... or me in the hospital.... all of this.... tells me...that really shitty things...could turn into really great things...and something as silly as a toggle bolt became a miracle in my life.... who knows... perhaps there is more to this life of mine than i thought....

interview with NPR

2008-11-12T04:09:00.000-08:00

went really well... i was the 4th medical question being addressed.... the first two dealt with ankle injuries....the other a headache which is induced by cooking onions and garlic....then me.. the gurgle belly girl.... dr zorba and tom were fun to speak with...they laughed a bit... teased me a bit... dr zorba said...he gets asked all the time what's the most interesting/amusing medical question he has been asked... he then said....they are all interesting...but this one... is at the top of the list...
the good news is there is actually a remedy....

npr junkie...

2008-11-11T05:13:00.000-08:00

last thursday... while driving around the city....NPR was on the radio.... the D.R. show had just come to a close... it's...almost 11 a.m.... Dr. Zorba is getting ready to come on... the number to call in with questions is announced...so i dialed the 1800 # ... i was directed to a V-mail which asked for certain info...like name...city....symptom or medical question... i followed the instructions... leaving all the necessary information....hung up...somewhat disappointed i didn't get to talk the the Doc himself... about my medical condition... i'm so laughing right now....

well...i forgot all about it... then yesterday morning... the producers of the show called me... and asked me if they could interview me between 9 and 11 today...

just for the record i'm not sick...i just have this funny thing that happens quite often... and it can be rather embarrassing... when i lay on my back.... my tummy begins to gurgle... and i mean guuuurgle... sometimes really loud.... i can even see my tummy moving about like there is a party going on inside there.... recently it was brought to my attention... it does this when i walk about as well... the gentleman i spoke with yesterday said they felt this was a very good question for their show...that there are probably a lot of people who have this same problem.... gurgle gurgle gurgle... so... today...i will have my 15 minutes...seconds of fame...ha!!! not exactly what i had hoped for as to fame...but hey... it's a gurgle right....

i actually mentioned this to a few friends yesterday...and they too have had this...one still does the other...not since he quit a job several years ago... so perhaps...the gurgling is really a common thing... no one really talks about....ha!!

i can't stop laughing....

tonight

2008-11-07T04:19:00.000-08:00

the first friday art walk...is upon us again...however this time i am participating.....
Larry Pickering, Otis Baldwin and myself will be showing sculpture on the patio at sauced...
i have my work cut out for me today.... not as ready as i would like to be...but somehow i always manage.... everything seems last minute.... perhaps the secret ingredient...
Otis is only 14..... he seems confident...not at all nervous.... recently being highlighted on OETA television... for his work as an art Student at Classen School of Advanced Studies.... this kid is over the top impressive....

most work will be steel ...welded pieces of metal... some shiny...some rusted...some painted.. some furniture...some sculpture...

okay...i'm nervous...i'm really nervous...

i witnessed....

2008-11-06T04:52:00.000-08:00

domestic violence in full force....

yesterday afternoon....a friend borrowed my phone while at sauced.....she had lost her phone the night before...while celebrating the victory of our president elect..... just after getting in my car... i noticed i had several v-mails...which i'm not very good at checking...for some reason i did... i had driven about 4 blocks...when i heard a message for andrea from her mother... so i quickly turned around and went to find her... she had gone to a friends apartment to rest... suffering from a bit of a cold mixed with a draught beer hangover....

i pulled into the rather shady parking lot of the run down building.... one would think condemned.... no doors on the front or back... i walked around the building calling out to andrea....not sure which apartment she was in.... luckily one of the construction guys was in the front and directed me to rich's place.... most of the apartments were being remodeled.... only 3 were occupied... rich's being one... a tiny apartment... the living room converted into the bedroom...the actual bedroom was the size of a closet and no way could a bed of any size fit... well decorated... very clean...pretty cool little place.....rich covered in tattoos was lying in bed...recovering from a broken collar bone... handing andrea my phone... telling her..."your mom called and needs you to call her".... rich and i visited while andrea returned her mother's call... about 10 minutes after arriving.... the muffled sound of a man yelling and a women screaming from the apartment next door began to vibrate the walls... the mans voice became louder and louder...hearing every word clearly...."you fucking bitch" the woman began screaming the sound of slapping over and over....you fucking bitch.... screaming....hitting....louder louder... hearing her body being thrown and hitting the walls... more slapping and yelling you fucking bitch.... afraid to open the door and look into the hall... for fear of being seen... for fear of what i might see.... the violence became unbearable... i finally stepped into the hall and yelled..."HEY"...as loud as i could...hoping the man would hear me.... he yelled even louder....there was no stopping this man from beating the woman....going back inside...locking the door... rich called the landlord...me pacing back and forth...andrea talking...omg... finally i couldn't stand another second... grabbing my phone.... thinking to myself this has to stop... calling 9 1 1... my voice shaking.... telling the woman on the other end....a woman is being beaten next door.... he is beating the holy shit out of her.... over and over again...relaying the address...somehow...she continued to repeat....walker and south santa fe.... no no....NW 28th and walker.... she wanted a description of the man... i couldn't see him... after several minutes....of trying to explain where we were....frustrated i stepped into the hall..there they were....the man standing with his back to me... firmly planted....feet spread shoulder width apart...hands on his hips...yelling at the petite woman.... another guy had intervened...calming his friend... all i could see was his shirt...brown plaid...jeans....black man... i was told to stay on the line...don't go...stay with me.... i couldn't stop shaking....tears...were building in my eyes...i was witnessing something i had only seen on tv.... it was like "COPS" .... my heart racing....hands trembling....all three of us...looking at each other...helpless... there was nothing we could do but wait...for the police... finally...a tall handsome officer.... walks in the back.... i looked at him....saying your not alone are you? the officer didn't acknowledge my question...no expression on his face....andrea told him where to go..... we decided to wait inside rich's place...not wanting to be seen...then realizing it was most likely better to go while the police was there.... so we gathered our things....sneaking out the back.... just after backing out of the parking lot onto walker.... out walked the officer and a man in handcuffs.... wearing a black leather jacket...the officer opened the door...motioning him to get in.... thank god....they arrested him.... thank god... they took him away... my body was shaking from the inside out.... uncontrollably.... i looked at andrea...saying... i need a shot.... i need a shot now....
i could have gone my entire life without witnessing this... the thing is...he will be released...the wife most likely will not press charges...and upon his return... he will do the same thing again.... perhaps this time worse... because he thinks she called the police.... questioning myself...did i do the right thing....or did i just make things worse for this woman...?
i do know... for a few hours...no one will be beating her... no one will be yelling at her... she will be safe... for a while...safe from the anger... the bruises.... the slapping and hitting...

i cried last night

2008-11-05T04:11:00.000-08:00

i cried tears of joy...tears of hope....tears of change...as i watched and listened to Obama speak to this country...speak to the crowd in grant park.... i saw the eyes of hope... in thousands of people... people who believed in change....people who voted for change... YES WE CAN!!!

my youngest son Leighton....cast his first presidential vote yesterday...he participated in his first presidential election... he drove from stillwater oklahoma...to edmond... first waiting with his buddy at one precinct then to his...while standing in line he spotted Taylor his older brother about 45 people ahead of him .... excusing himself from the family of a childhood friend.... he joined his brother... i know this may sound silly....but i am so proud of my sons... they voted side by side...
my sons went to school in a republican town...their father is a die hard republican... their friends parents die hard republicans...
yesterday...my sons voted together...for change... i would like to say...i had some influence on their decision...but i cannot... they saw the OBAMA....RICE...ROTH... signs...in our front yard... both giving me a hard time for my political yard rant... teasing me ...
this is ginormous for my sons... to vote against their father's wish.... the first gwbush race...my sons were still very young... highly influenced by their father....their environment... it seemed everyone in edmond was pro bush...not me...i was scared to death of bush becoming our president...telling my sons if he wins...i might as well leave the country.... providing them a list of reasons from... going to war..the economy... education... etc...interestingly...every single reason i gave my sons as to why i wouldn't vote for gwbush...became reality... several years later.... they asked me how i knew ... how i knew all the things i said.... it was simple.... i remembered...clearly...my father sitting in his chair in my parents living room... he had given up on life...he had no hope for the future......my parents lost everything they owned... during the daddy bush administration... they lost their home... their cars... their life savings.... all but the clothes on their backs.... my parents had no work... my fathers company folded... he couldn't find work... watching this amazing man...sit lifeless was more than my heart could take....
yesterday...my sons... voted side by side....my sons voted for change... my sons made their own decision....based on knowledge....education....and a vision... for change... as a mother... i couldn't be more proud of my sons right now.... they called me last night to congratulate me... as i congratulated them...
today....my heart fills bright.... i smile... and for the first time...in this lifetime... i feel the change on the horizon...i feel hope for all americans...
i cried last night....tears of joy...tears of hope...tears for change...for the future of my sons...for the future of the UNITED states... YES WE CAN!!!

racism.......

2008-11-03T04:22:00.000-08:00

seems to have presented itself in full force.... in a disturbing way... it feels like going back in time....
in 1969...i was in 6th grade... the first year of integration in oklahoma city... kids were bussed from all over the city to new schools..... none of the kids i had been going to school with since 2nd grade were bussed anywhere...we all still walked to school..from our homes a few blocks away...while others...were expected to catch a bus... and ride clear across town.... none of this made any sense to me... being 11 years old...why would it...
as many of you... i remember water fountains...and public restrooms... depicting race... there was no sharing a toilet...or a drinking fountain... there were no black people eating in the same diner as white people... there are so many crazy memories from my childhood regarding race....
at the ripe age of 5...1963 ...my father's company transferred him from balitmore maryland to pine bluff arkansas.... mom and dad rented a house in a less than desirable neighborhood... the school was only a block or so away.... i remember the walk from our house to the building...but that's about it... another memory was being told, with great intensity to "watch out for colored people"... colored people were like "strangers" which we were not allowed to talk to either... upon hearing this... warning..... possibly one of the first signs of the artist in me...... i had no idea what a colored person was....much less a stranger... so i imagined a colored person... with every color in the rainbow...purple...blue...green..red...orange...yellow...magenta... i suppose one could say i had quite the imagination.... needless to say... i never saw one of these dreaded colored people....and i looked...everywhere...i did i looked and looked... a month or so later we moved to a different neighborhood and there was no further need to be on constant lookout...it was an all white neighborhood... far far away from the colored people.... i must admit i was disappointed i never saw a colored person.... my family returned to oklahoma city in 1965 to our home on 25th street....
my racial experiences are vast as with many my age.... going from complete segregation to living in a mixed race neighborhood...
it's now almost 40 years later... and it feels in some ways we haven't come very far... but in others...we have grown leaps and bounds... regarding this issue... tomorrow will be a historical day in this country...no matter who wins the election... however... this election has stirred up some serious racial aggression in this country... it's scary...it's sad...and it makes me angry... yesterday... a friend ask me to accompany him to the grocery store... i accepted the offer... not thinking about the color of his skin... people stared at us...like we were aliens... some smirked at him...casting him angry glares....some looked at me...two or three times... it didn't matter the color of their skin... they all looked... is it bad to have a friend with a different color of skin....? so...we played it up... we went with it....laughing...and having fun... bumping into one another... chatting away.... having a blast....
all i'm saying...is life is hard enough... hating a person because they look different is a waste of time... my friend told me a statistic yesterday...when one is asked to describe what an american looks like....the description is "blond and blue eyed" funny don't you think... this leaves out a great deal of our population....even my sons... and most the people i know...who are no less an american than i....
i can say this...with complete and total honesty...tomorrow i will cast my vote for hopefully the next president of our "UNITED" states.... not because he is black... but because i feel he is a man who believes in each and everyone of us...as a "UNITED" country... and will represent each and everyone honorably.... i support change in this country... i support people...and believe that we are UNITED and we need to as a country...begin to live and act as such....

november one....08

2008-11-01T04:09:00.000-07:00

my father would have been 74 today...
the last time i saw him... he was 65.... may 17th 2000....
12 o clock noon.... he closed his eyes... good bye....

so on this day... i celebrate quietly... my father... the memories...the gifts he left behind... the family... i once knew... never ever to be the same... without him...

sometimes...still to this day... there are moments...when i forget.... you are not here... for me to ask... what to do next... sometimes... i forget... i can't call you....i can't hug you.... i can't sit in your lap...
i suppose.... it's easier to forget.. i can't....than to remember... you're not here....!!!

happy birthday...with all my love...

life is but a dream...!!!

2008-10-30T05:27:00.000-07:00

have you ever....slept next to someone...and dreamed of them at the same time...?
if this occurs...does it mean...somehow...this person has crawled inside your head...while your eyes were closed...?
life is but a mystery... life is but a dream....
yesterday morning... after a quick stop at the quick stop... i began singing the song "row row... row your boat... gently down the stream.... merrily merrily merrily merrily....life is but a dream..!!!
i could hear my father's voice...low and raspy... drifting back in time...to my moms aqua blue chevy impala... all 6 of us piled in...on a warm summer day...windows down...singing... away...each of us were to begin our verse... just after the third row.... there were a few other family sing-a-long songs...but this one... always ended in an uproar of laughter.... who would boof first...ha!!! the fumble mumble...of harmonic chaos...
i find this song...to be a feel good song...so when your down and out...just start singing at the top of your lungs.... row row...row your boat...gently down the stream....amazing results...always a smile.... just like bubbles.... which i find to be a feel good thing as well... test results have proven bubbles will cause smiling....
the great outdoors is calling to me again...the warm air returns... more like october in oklahoma... none of this mid 30's shit...this early in the year..... nah nah nah!!!
today...removing...replacing...rebuilding... all in mikeC's yard.... the never ending...work in progress has taken yet another turn.... perhaps... this is my life's calling... mikeC's home...ha!!!!
this is not to make any sense...just in case some of you are trying to make heads or tails of it all.... i suggest a....nod and smile.... kiss kiss