a restful....

night...sleeping until 6 o clock... wow...can i say hey hey i feel good today.... going to bed after the midnight hour... then waking at 4 o clock...makes for a very long tired day... being a person of routine... this is all rather confusing for me... there is no routine in my life what so ever... what? i need routine...i function better with routine...a schedule....

i am realizing...i just don't understand retirement.... perhaps i'm not ready....for this sort of life style...longing for brain exercise... physical exhaustion.... mental madness is just not working for me... caught up in my brain...twisted thoughts of what to do..where to go... the desire to be productive...is growing heavy....

dreams in the night...in the day...take me to unknown familiar places... familiar faces... revealing hidden secrets...... playing with tigers...rainstorms...doors won't close...keven is here....the ceiling is leaking just over my bed of white eyelet lace... rubbing my hand on the bubbled ceiling tile..watching the water drip...slowly...as i walk away.... night has fallen... lightening striking...calling out to cathy...come get your cat.... her tiger....soft and lovable...won't stop hugging me... pawing me...wrapping its body around me...relaxing....understanding...i have nothing to fear.... as i walk through the door... the sun is shining...a new day is here....the parking lot across the street filled with people assessing the possibility... the new location of the market.... sun faded red wall... forcing myself to wake...sitting up...groggy... gotta get out of this house....

everything is coming to a close.... the world is changing.... my hopes and dreams of yesterday fulfilled.... i have a strong suspicion...my new life is on the horizon.... feeling the door of opportunity...speaking to me loud.... listen carefully....as to not miss it... in the past...always my intuition...my knowing has come to pass......some would consider this nonsense...crazy... mental case... so i sit quietly...feeling its approach....ready...bags packed....hair comb...clean panties on... fingernails filed to perfection....

friday falls...warm sun...snow melting... once upon a time... i was... once upon a future... i am...

new friends...old faces....

lovers in waiting... intimate conversations... living vicariously through another life... a man... a friend...secrets revealed.... sleep overs like childhood friends.... laughing and eating in bed... the movie...repeating...previously seen... stories of love lust... who we are oohing over...wanting to lavish upon our gift of sex... heart breaks... phone calls not returned...where did they go...just yesterday...we were...we were...

walking into the room filled with familiar faces....curious glances... assumptions made....he and she... they must be...they have to be... laughing at the public response... no no...we are just friends... man and woman...hanging together...wing man...buddy.... i'm not the one... he is a dear dear friend.... brother like...to me... what would life be without the men...on this earth... much less colorful is my guess.... mother of two sons..... sister of two brothers......my father...my hero.... friends with many men... my sanctuaries... treasured moments... held close to my heart....

as many women...i find comfort in male friendships... not fitting in with the wives the girlfriends... hanging with the men...considered one of guys.... shots of tequila... beer slinging....stories... laughing at each other... brother brother...sister me... unspoken boundaries .... no need for sex... our friendship...is kindred... no coincidence ... there is a reason you and i are here...together at this moment... for a while we will share...until the love...you long for...enters... and sucks you into her lair...

today i celebrate the men in my life...the friends..the stories...the moments i will never forget... my father...my brothers.....my sons ....my countless man friends... throughout this life... i thank you all....for your kindness... your strength and encouragement....your laughter and tears...your hopes and dreams....your secret passions.... i thank you all for opening my eyes...for giving to me...part of you...i thank you for every second we spent together....

hiding out....

staying home....warm inside...the fire blazing.... cracking wood.... quiet days... into night... not sure how i'm feeling right now...kind of in the middle of nothingness and awakening... i so love.... january winter weather...slowing the world around... days like these are for healing.... being alone... or with family...hunkered down at home....cooking...reading...playing cards... i think of snow days....as FREE days... a free day to do whatever you please... take a long hot bubble bath...listen to your favorite music....watch a movie or two... just be... without being.... everything slows to a snail like pace... people have to come together...in tiny little places....talking and sharing...thoughts......across the room a man with the sideburns... catches my eye... his short haircut... baring his handsome face....finally... i feel lust... something worthy of my eyes....candy they call it... not take him home candy...but flirt and lust from afar candy.... this town is too small....to take someone home that any of my friends know.... he is one...that too many people i know..... know...so for a while...i will enjoy his handsomeness... and his return of glances.... secret smiles.... both knowing....this is all...nothing more... no naked skin... late night phone calls... no sharing dreams... cooking together... no... quiet nights on the front porch... drinking wine... laughing.... love lust...in the night....

on my left...the warmth radiates... on my right...the cold penetrates..... in the middle...i lay.... wishing... for a new day... searching deep in my soul...for the missing link...the reason... this life has lead to this place... my decisions...my dreams....shattered moments...friends adoration... lost in this life...this skin i wear... why has my road...disappeared.... altered state of being... mind racing digging deep... waiting for spring... slip slide...my way through.... realization...resolution... the truth prevails... understanding.... more each day... is it over... is it just beginning....silence falls... light shines.... upon his face...revealing... what it is i came here for...

if i knew how to

link blogs...i would direct you to blogblah... his reflection...experience....of yesterdays events could not have been....said more eloquently...

if i could add anything....it would be the moment....just after Obama was sworn in..... while driving into edmond oklahoma.... i cried....i cheered out loud....did the jiggy joo joo dance swinging my hands over my head......for the edmond world to see..... as i looked around...feeling a bit silly... incredibly moved.. in every car....there were.....motionless edmondites....staring blankly.... doing what they do best.... NOTHING....

i also called my son leighton....who was in class.... in stillwater....leaving him a voice mail.... "i hope....you are getting to see this ...incredible moment in history... the most significant historical moment of my life time.... i love you... call me..after class..."

to my surprise... complete and total disappointment... his professor did not permit her students the opportunity...the choice... to listen to the swearing in of the 44th president...of our United States.... my son missed it....because....of a teacher? are you serious????

in a dream...

last night...i took a ride with my father... he wanted me to see the house he was building.... an amazing structure.... not complete.... the entire inside was raw...unfinished wood.... winding stair cases.... a great room... suddenly...i was in another home....apparently my home... no furniture.... just a giant....empty house.... standing at the kitchen sink....i turned on the faucet... the next thing i knew...the sink was over flowing... and i was standing in 6 inches of water.....

waking from the dream....i sat up...turned on the light... checked the movies on HBO.... turned the light off again....curled up with my favorite pillow...drifting back to sleep....

dreaming again....i'm in a house....my home...completely empty....when in walks my sister and her three daughters.... saying to them... you can live here with me....

waking from the dream...i sat up...turned on the light...checked the movies on HBO... turned the light off again....curled up with my favorite pillow...drifted back to sleep....

dreaming i was driving a tiny little car.... with a red tarp over it....the rain was falling hard... i couldn't see where i was going...stopping occasionally to make sure i was heading the right direction... when i finally came to a stop... i could go no further.... removing the tarp...looking around to see where i was... as i looked over my left shoulder... i saw a police car....with two officers staring at me.... they asked me if they could help me... refusing their assistance.... i turned away.... got out of the tiny car... a man came up to me.... and we walked away....

what does this shit mean.... all night long...i had dreams....dreams... and more dreams.... waking me up... repeating the same thing 4 or 5 times....

finally it was 4:30.... telling myself...just get up...it's okay to get up this early... making my way to the coffee maker.... the normal routine.... grind the beans...fill the pot with water.... change the filter....add the fresh ground coffee...pour the water in....push the on button...

beep............beep...........beep....costa rican coffee freshly brewed.... mild blend.... touch of sugar... back to bed...

i have not dreamed of my father in years....it was him...loud and clear....i could here his voice... smell his scent... it was him... my dad...visited me in a dream....

dreaming of my sister....now this is strange....i was actually happy to see shelley and her daughters.... surprised...they were here.... welcoming them with open arms... this is all shades of wrong... what does it all mean....

floods...rain.....father....sister..... daughters.... the water just kept coming...all around me... water....water....water....wood...spiral staircase....

as i read through

other peoples blogs... feeling a bit like snooping...spying into the lives of friends...acquaintances and some i have never met... learning a lot.... i won't mention names....but are some men really that stupid regarding women... do they really not get women at all... from what i've read...apparently not.... as a woman... i have even tried to explain to men.... the way women think....do they listen? nope...they seem to think they know...more about women than women know about women... women however...... don't make this same claim....assumption...of all knowing regarding men.... my favorite is.... the men...who take everything a woman says...and personalize it... somehow... they make it all about them... or completely misinterpret.... again...all about themselves.... not all men are like this....but there are plenty who are....
a little secret...guys... 95% of communication...is NOT the spoken word...

on another note... i spent most of the day with mikeC... running errands... after a shopping spree at michael's....we decided to have a mimosa at sauced...sit on the patio and soak up the afternoon sunshine.... joining daniel at his table.....eventually johnC and johnM arrived.... always.. entertaining... johnC is on a short leash these days....having an extremely controlling wife... pregnant wife... johnM....is having a wild fling with a rather public just divorced...claiming she's gay...girl next door ... daniel...is single...and looking... later in the evening we all met up again... to have a beer.... johnC...is already in trouble....the conversation keeps going back to johnM's fling....geno is now seeing his ex-wife... while he wraps his arm around us....he looks at me...saying....kelley...everyone is in love but you... like he was proud of this...or something... true i said.... i'm not in love..... does not being in love discredit me somehow... does it make me less because i have no love....? sure... i love being in love... but... i don't like the part...where you have to answer to someone...all the time....i get to do things.... that "in lovers"...don't... no one screaming on the phone "you're locked out of the house" for having fun with your friends...innocent fun...(this happened last night) i don't have to sneak around or...pretend i'm somewhere when i'm not... my friends aren't getting the repeated text messages...."where is she".... holy shit.. how messed up is that.... when love finds me...i will embrace it with all my heart...but for now.... i have so much in my life that brings me great joy...love and friendship.... and well.... perhaps....it's just not in the cards for me a this point in my life.... who knows....maybe it is....just around the corner...love is waiting for me.... until then.... i will enjoy the freedom... of being me....

magnificant obession

with jane wyman and rock hudson is on right now...what a beautiful film..... jane is a blind widow...all because of rock... complete mess... they fall in love...oh so sweet.... my favorite part of older films are the clothes.... the folds and pleats in the fabrics... nothing today...compares to the gowns and dresses they used to wear...!!!

yesterday...was one of those days...when everything went so beautifully... i had an early lunch with mikeC... having only a small salad...then meeting an old friend...aka ex ex ex ex b/f...from years ago... we chatted and chatted...about so many things....he is one of the few people in my life that actually knows my family... my ex husband....my sons.... having insight as to my family dynamic... we spent...3 or so hours at mcnellies in midtown.... first time for me... i rarely venture beyond the paseo or VZD's these days.... staying within my comfort zone....however the paseo has lost its luster.... with the exception of a warm afternoon sitting on the patio at sauced.... !!!

i had the coolest experience last night..... retail therapy....how much fun is that...!!! holy shit i had no idea....how good it could feel to get something new....i have imagined this for sometime.... but wow...it was much more than i dreamed... today...i will dress in something... brand spanking new... and feel like a princess....all day long...!!! i didn't try anything on while shopping....when the sales person would say... just try it on...i whispered...i'm not wearing panties...so better not...they would nod...and smile...almost thanking me with their eyes... for the honesty.... when i got home...i played dress up.... everything fit...perfectly... oh i'm so excited... there is something to be said for retail therapy...

oh no....jane's in the hospital......rock just arrived...she's been there for a month now...he had no idea.... she's not looking good... he's now checking her medical records... not a stroke...thank goodness.... she's mumbling something....what...what is she saying... she's pale.... it's bleak.... oh...can rock save her...can he.....

the love....of life.... it seems everyone around me...is falling in love... how fun... perhaps... love will shine upon me today... love....success....wealth...the other night while mike and i sat for 4 or 5 hours...drinking wine at VZ's.... a long time friend was there...celebrating her sons 25 birthday... she came over...to visit for a moment....looking at my hands....holding them in hers...reading the lines.... my right hand...she announced...."travel"...my left..."money".... checking again....she says...i don't see marriage.... pushing my hands a way...then double checking nope no marriage... two outta three's not bad....

he did it...rock performed the surgery...she's alive...he's by her side...kneeling...holding her hand...kissing it ever so lightly...refusing to leave her.... the nurse is making coffee....i have a feeling it's gonna be a really long night....

a friend of mine

insists he's not addicted to nose spray... while discussing this very subject yesterday...he pulled... not 2...not 3...but 4 bottles of nose spray from his pockets.... in my life i can with all honesty say i've used nose spray maybe 6 times...3 of which were yesterday and today.... i found some in the bathroom cabinet...prescribed for my sons... and to my surprise it actually helped... however... as soon as this cold is over...back in the cabinet it goes...

it seems everyone has some vice...something they are addicted to...they need to get through the day....let's see...some are addicted to....sex, drugs, alcohol, nose spray, chapstick, candy, food, sex... ooops...already mentioned sex.... porn...cigarettes...caffine... soda pop... chewing gum... nail biting... neat freaks...oh and compulsive lying...just to name a few.....
i too have my nasty little vice...and lately....more than ever before in my life...i am seriously considering giving it up.... of course there will be the unwelcome weight gain... unless i begin a vigorous exercise routine... to help prevent it.... i guess i missed the news release on the new non burning paper they are now using....by law...on cigarettes... in order to get through an entire cigarette...you must continually puff ....suck the shit out of them... non stop... otherwise the little suckers go out....and the next thing you know...you're relighting and burning the end of your nose....ouch...!!!! i suppose that's better than a grass fire... who needs the tip of their nose anyway...

setting the record straight.... i do not have a thing for mikeC... this has been mentioned of late more than once...and it's absolutely not the case... i will say...he is a friend of all friends and i love and adore hanging out with him... he is the one and only person i know i can confide in and really let out...the stuff nagging deep inside...he is the one and only person i know...who listens selflessly without judgment... our friendship is truly one of a kind... interestingly...we always talk about the current subject of our attention...or the one that has been the subject...or the whiskey nosed ex b/f...with b cup man boobs and 3 inch hairs extending from them...oh and an extra ginormous bald spot on the top of his head.... i suppose the 3 inchers on his chest are to make up for the loss on his head.... but more importantly...we talk about life... our families...the things we have experienced...in some ways similar...others not so much... and quite often the subject is about the work i've done on his home...and yard...and the work ahead.... i truly adore my friendship with mikeC...and it's not at all what some of you seem to think.... if only others could experience a friend like this....perhaps...they would speculate a little less...assume a little less...and accept a little more....

bottom feeders....

were a topic of conversation....a few days ago....can't remember who brought it up...or how the conversation even got started... i learned a few things about bottom feeders...in reference to catfish... apparently if you suspend a catfish towards the surface of the water for a few days...it will clean out...all the shit it ate off the bottom... seems simple enough... in a strange way...this information...became somewhat metaphorical for me... realizing.... as long as you're at the bottom...everything consumed... is shit...

so...i'm thinking...with a fishing pole... a good hook and some tasty bait... i could just latch on... for a few days...thrown in some large basket....floating about at the waters surface... and all the shit would just fall away...cleansing me.... thus...bringing forth the light... the love...

it's that time of year again....i forget every single year....the thing that i do repeatedly every single january.... some may think this is most outrageous.... however it makes perfect sense to me... i always sink into the lulls of life...hopelessly plugging along....to get through the days.... the weeks...the month of january.... always hoping for rain...or snow... anything to make it seem a little better... this is the month....my life changed dramatically...many years ago... on december 28, 1958...just 10 months and 2 days after my birth...my sister was born... she came 2 months early....my mother almost died... hearing this my entire childhood...it's hard to forget the details... the ugly details of my sisters birth... she grew up knowing she almost killed my mother.... we all did.... my mother was so weak...from the birth..the loss of blood... and my sister... so small she could fit perfectly in a shoe box... there was no time for me...all attention was on my sister and my mother... i was cut off from all maternal nurturing by my mother... she just couldn't take care of me or spend time with me...hold me...nothing... from what i have been told...it was my great grandmother mimi...who cared of me... i have no memory of this.....however it did leave an emptiness a void i have lived with all my life....

always....about two weeks into the month of january...i remember...why...i get in this funk... i remember...it happens every year.... realizing....i can snap out of it...or let it control me... this year of course is a bit more difficult... there are none of the normal distractions.... damn it...

i'm thinking i need a distraction...something to consume my time...my thoughts....something other than....feeding off the bottom... the star of my own pity party... what the hell...it's time to stop this nonsense...get a grip on things... so with a little love... my wonderful friends... a bit of encouragement....just maybe...i can...just maybe this will soon turn into a memory...that no longer has a hold on my life...and i will be sailing along...the wind carrying me...to new places... new horizons... love and happiness... believing anything is possible... i have the strength and courage to pick myself up...by the boot straps and actively change the problems at hand... focus on the solutions.... a little mind alteration... no no not drugs...but attitude...

thank you... terrific tuesday... miracles...and magical moments....happiness all around....the love surrounding me... smiles and hugs... thank you for keeping me close...watching over me... even when i yell and scream.... even when i stand in doubt....hopeless and distraught...thank you for waking today.... with more energy than yesterday.... finding a touch of hope... to hold onto....

giving thanks....

for a while... i was religious about this... still in a quiet way...i give thanks... however after a series of not so pleasant experiences.... all within the... thank you credits.... i began to lose hope... give up.... but the truth is...during the daily...thankful for this or that....i felt happiness... with great possibility... it's hard to see.....the good sometimes...when so much rotten shit keeps happening... feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders... playing the game...everything is alright... as to not reveal...my dark sad secrets... it's hard sometimes to say...i'm good...when in fact...i don't feel so good... i feel as though the world is crashing down around me...and i'm at the bottom of the rubble... digging my way out....but instead of digging to the top...it is in reverse... i keep digging deeper and deeper... the rubble is heavy...it's a pile of memories...of successes...of the days...when life felt good... when love surrounded me...

so today...i will give it...all i've got... i will give thanks...and hold onto some hope...for a beautiful day.... filled with answers...solutions...and great possibility...
thank you for my sons....my friends... thank you for my home... my car...my job... thank you for the strength to endure and make a better life for me...thank you for the love that surrounds me... the smiles and hugs... thank you for making a difference...and for this life... thank you for clarity...for creative visions...for all this day has to offer...thank you...thank you...for this magical monday...love and light...to all

i ran into....

one of my former students yesterday....i didn't recognize him...this happens quite often.... when he told me his name... it all came back to me in a flash... the younger brother of a student who has a special place in my heart.... he too... has a special memory... his freshman year...he was in my first hour photo I class... i had a routine...which i presented the first day of each semester.... each student received a syllabus along with 2 or 3 other handouts....i would read each one...along with show and tell... presenting all the supplies needed as well the supplies i would provide...then tour the darkroom...well this boy was so nervous...he blew chow in the darkroom that very first day... of course i never handled these things very professionally... sometimes announcing "oh shit".... are you okay... there is certain protocol that must be followed due to all the life threatening diseases out there... so i did the best i could with the limited space at hand...soon the custodian was in my room with all the necessary cleaning supplies...ha!!!

i asked him how his sister was...and how school was....he told me i need to come back... it's just not the same anymore...he said something not so good about the now photo teacher... i gave him a hug... wished him well...and returned to my table and friends.... watching him walk away.... i smiled...a sweet smile... a good memory... and a knowing that i had made a small impact on his life....

i get asked...almost weekly why do i not teach anymore... why don't you get a job teaching....? the truth is i don't really have an answer....i loved teaching so much...i loved watching the students at that moment of success...the way their eyes would light up.... it was truly magical... the answer i usually give to this question...is the parents... the parents do not hold their children accountable...and they are impossible to deal with.... this is just one of the reasons.....mainly.... i don't feel i can give the kids what they need...and teach them the way they deserve to be taught.... who knows maybe i do...maybe i still have it... and with the opportunity to teach...i might...i just might find myself...happy again..happy to be in the classroom...happy to be giving back...making a difference...giving the gift of knowledge... perhaps... i will know this again....i will find myself in a classroom...doing what i do best....

my son... leighton said yesterday...."mom...everything happens for a reason" he really believes that things are as they are with purpose....and soon everything will turn around for me... today he begins his second semester in stillwater....with great enthusiasm... yesterday he called several times...keeping me informed of his move back to his duplex... he received a ginormous flat screen television along with an xbox...for christmas.... a new old sofa... so he spent his day getting his home arranged to his liking...excited about all his new belongings... feeling good about life... my sons along with most kids of his generation have been raised with technology...unlike that of my childhood....they have had every single... Nintendo... PlayStation...and xbox ever made...computers have been a part of their entire lives.... beginning in elementary school....my sons have never known life with out cellular communication.... fortunately they are not the sit in front of the television for hours everyday playing games sort of kids... taylor averages about two novels a week...along with his studies...and leighton...his social life is over the top busy.... however when they do...break out the xbox...boys will come out of the wood work and suddenly a game of all games...is being played... they shout and groan as if they are actually playing the play off game of the century... always entertaining...

i missed the

largest full moon of 2009.... maybe i will run outside...in a few and see if i can catch the tale end of it's glory... however...running outside in 22 degrees.... doesn't really appeal to me... perhaps i can smash my nose to the window...and look about to see if it's within my viewing range... who knows just maybe... i'll catch a glimpse...and feel better about life in general....

why is it...when you are down in the dumps...the drudges of hell...everyone around you seems so fucking happy...and life couldn't get any better....?

okay i just did it...my coffee cup was running on empty...so after filling it... with yummy... freshly ground coffee beans... brewed to my satisfaction... a teaspoon of sugar...i dared to open the door... warm cup in hand...wearing....baby blue fuzzy house slippers...long johns and a fleece t....stepping through into the cold morning air....stars hidden by wispy cloud cover....standing on the sidewalk in front of my house....looking up towards the west... through the bare naked trees...i could see the largest moon of 2009... sitting in the sky...as some would say... about 11 o clock... similar to the 10 and 2...position on the steering wheel... i must admit..it was worth taking the plunge.... illumination... unequaled... majestic... brilliance.... worth wishing upon... so i did.... i wished i was back inside...under my covers....ha!!!

continuing my only routine of late... getting online...reading this and that...writing...thinking about all the possibilities...that seem light years away right now.... wondering why...people stand in judgment...or completely misunderstand another persons intent... why it is some of us need something to believe in...and others...do not... why it is....being a taoist...or buddhist...is any different than one who believes in god... or the trees....or tarot....or astrology... perhaps it is...because... that what we believe is the only way....and everyone else is foolish... isn't it okay...to believe in something.... to believe that this life has some purpose...isn't okay to share with others your fears....or happiness....that just maybe...the nine of cups...has some significance...that just maybe...love is around the corner....and life is a bowl of fucking cherries... why can't we believe what we want...why can't we seek hope...where ever we want...and tell your best friend....as simple as it may sound... silly as it is... you found hope....in the tiniest moment....that something brought joy to your heart.... that it's okay to be happy...with whatever you choose to believe... personally...i don't really see any belief system is any different from another.... no matter how you look at it.... we believe in whatever comforts us...or fits into our own reality...or how we want to think it is.... to not allow another...the right to seek belief without judgment... is to me...the greatest wrong... i for one... believe ... we give power to whatever it is...we focus on... we put our thought into...that our belief is our faith...and if i choose to give power to the possibility of a better tomorrow... then i have that right... if i choose to believe...that i deserve to be loved... and live comfortably...then that too is my right... if i choose to believe...in god...or buddha...or love...and life...in happiness....in the moon....the trees...who really has the right to stand in judgment of me... who really has the right to criticize me...for what brings me comfort?

life is... not so easy at times... however it is life... and without...believing...in what brings us comfort...then there is nothing... there is no reason... there are no children...parents...brothers and sisters...there is no past...nor future... there is no today... i suppose it is...i should give thanks...for the ability to believe...to have faith...even when i want so desperately to give up... something deep inside...always emerges... telling me there is more... much more...to give up now...is not even an option... it is part of my journey...it is...i am here...this day...with purpose...as simple as it may be...or as ginormous as it could be....it is part of my life...and i am grateful...for this day... time with my beautiful son...knowing that... this is not it.... and everything...is everything...and nothing...is just that...nothing...i choose to believe....

unexpected....warm

sunny wednesday.... couldn't help but spend the afternoon outside... did a bit of writing...ran into a dear friend...a friend i used to spend almost everyday with and now i rarely get to see... we talked about her upcoming wedding and her new role as a step mom... we must have talked for over an hour about....our lives...and all the changes.... it was as though the years between us have stood still...she was like a sister to me... as she departed she said... i didn't know what brought me here today...but now i believe spirit lead me to you...

my home is quiet again... the boys are gone... and soon they will be back in school... another adjustment.... i love having them here...even if they are messy...use all the toilet paper... eat every morsel of food in the house.... i still love it...and when they are gone... i miss them horribly....

yesterday...mikeC and i ran some morning errands... taking a drive to edmond...he and i both feel the same about that insane community... one i spent more than my fair share of years...working in....needless to say...i cringe at the thought of even passing the "welcome to edmond" sign... luckily mike takes the most bazaar routes to go anywhere...when he should turn left...he almost always turns right... and vice a versa.... i have come to enjoy....the sight seeing adventures... and find myself laughing...asking where are we going....? we drove through parking lots of shopping centers..one on purpose another...by accident..... instead of I35....he took the service road... making our way back to the city... chatting about... the box...he seems to live within... while he doesn't want to deal with the chaotic...crazies in the business world he still surrounds himself with extra-ordinary people... i told him...when i walked in to the red cup...monday...there was a man sitting at the table he was... not recognizing this man...i immediately thought...who is this crazy person... his hair long gray and straggly...like that of some lunatic... who should be wearing a straight jacket...as i circled the table i could see his profile...recognizing him...i still couldn't help but think how crazy... down right scary he looks...i then told mike... when he wears those outfits...he looks like he needs to be locked up...mike said... the horrible ensembles were selected by his wife..who...i might add...dresses like she chooses her clothes from the disco wardrobe of the 80's barbie doll collection.... every time i see this woman...it's all i can do to keep from bursting into a full blown laugh...are you serious... the most ridiculous outfits...only compared to the 70's Sonny & Cher show...when Cher would play the character of Laverne...(i think was the name)... wearing leopard print too tight knee length pants with some crazy blouse...high heels...nothing matching...cat eye glasses with the glasses chain wrapping around the back of her neck...her hair...all ratted up beehive style...like it had not been washed in decades...no shine.. with the exception of layers and layers of hair spray... this is not an exaggeration... when this couple...d & j walk up... it's always a sight to see... not to mention..her attitude towards those of us...she appears to think are below her...i would be one of those... ha!!!

all of this...was in reference to his box... he lives within.... the box...i was referring to...had more to do with...allowing himself to enjoy things that he wants to enjoy...but refuses to allow himself to enjoy... something i don't understand...is...he always tells me how people refer to him as boring...personally i've never heard this...but for some reason he believes this...perhaps it is he finds comfort and...this thought fits perfectly inside his box...the thing is...mikeC is anything but boring... he is full of information....Witty comments...he listens...and always has insight to things... life experiences he offers as comfort or advice...mikeC boring...i think not.....

i suppose we all see ourselves..in ways others do not...we are... our own worst critics... insisting this or that...to be true... the one thing i have figured out....life is full of surprises... people come into our lives...jazz us in ways...we never thought possible...they fill us up..with crazy emotions...we have no idea what to do with...they love us... and hold us... some just make us want to scream.... as mike said a week or so ago...we can't help who we are attracted to... i couldn't agree more... however...i find this to be a most exciting adventure... never knowing... who will give us what...or make us feel a certain way... the friends... who comfort us...unexpected gifts on the doorstep... and phone calls... or the man who collapses before your eyes... and you do what you can to save his life.... the crazy outfits....the old friends...lovers... the warm days in january... calling us to be outside... kind words.... smiles....hugs from friends... i'm hoping for a better day... today... a better year... some reconciliation to the changes...the constant ebbs and flows...highs and lows... on this day... i will do my best...to see the good...the glass half full...cry a little less...smile a lot more....

no major life

changing experience occurred yesterday....whew...well in my life anyway...

this morning....taylor is hustling about getting ready to head out to LA for a few days with a couple of buddies... his flight leaves around 7.... it was one of those spontaneous decisions...just before christmas....booked a flight and off he's going... a welcome holiday...after the disappointment of his move to breckenridge fell apart... he's already enrolled for the upcoming semester.... and made an appointment for a job interview upon his return next week...

leighton on the other hand....is way involved with his social life...busy...coming and going...i never know when he will appear and disappear... the life of a 20 year old on winter break... his best friend leaves in a few days...for a 3 month stay in rehab... court ordered... he's a really good kid...just made some really stupid decisions... his academic record is one any parent would be proud of... mostly lacks common sense... not to mention he is a star athlete with a full ride to OU.....we are all...in full support of him... and i know...this will be difficult for leighton... however when school starts up again... he will have one less distraction... which will be helpful for his own academic performance....

i just got the good bye hug from taylor...he's off to the airport... wishing him... a wonderful holiday...

holy shit....the boys have left a mess in the living room.... clothes...and crap everywhere...

i suppose the saying a mothers job is never done...is more true than not....

this morning.... i feel better than i have in days... like there is hope on the horizon... strength building inside ....new visions.... of possibility... solutions...to some rather difficult...situations... yesterday...my horoscope...said..."Something you value but lost will be restored to you today, though it may not be in the form of a tangible object"... all day....i thought about this... what is it i have lost... that could come back.. intangible.... i've lost so much in this life time... i've gained... and grown...i've raised two amazing sons... my life has been full...but lately... i have lost all hope... could not find a purpose... feeling like i have completely...failed at everything.... perhaps it is...the loss....is the return of hope.... of possible solutions....

i have been blessed....with the most amazing people...in my life... there are no words to describe the kindness....the encouragement... the love that these people have extended me... they have listened...watched me cry...held me when i couldn't hold my own... it is as though...they see in me...what i can't see myself... i can't recall a time in my life....i have ever...known such love.. so many people...coming to my aid...standing by me.... i hope...some day...i can give back to each of you...what you have given me.... thank you...with all my heart and soul...thank you...

good news....

this morning val called... he sounded much better...telling me his car was ready..... also he slept most of yesterday...which he needed...the radiation...has had an impact...on him...taking its toll as i've heard radiation and chemo will do to people... if he's not doing the radiation..they have him on chemo...

after breakfast with mike...i went out to val's place and took him to get his car... i really wanted to find out if they had heard anything about doug...so i went inside with him....... HE'S ALIVE...!!!! the moment i walked into varley's garage...i was greeted with a smile... kind words.... followed by a hug....mr. varley...was still shaken up by the experience... he had received a call from doug that morning...and shared the conversation with me.... it was a diabetic seizure....he doesn't remember anything.... had we not been there...and done what we did...doug would not have made it.... we actually saved his life.... pretty amazing...

is depression a

result of circumstances...or... are circumstances a result of depression...? i've been telling myself... there is a purpose...there is a reason... perhaps it is yet another life lesson... who really knows... we all have our highs and lows i suppose... it seems some have a better handle on things...others not so much...

one reoccurring...human behavior...i have witnessed... is those who seem to have success and happiness....have one critical element in their lives.... they have love of family...they have had an endless supply of family support... perhaps this isn't across the board a true blue rule... there are the enablers... the fixers/rescuers... the addicts...etc... however... without love... without family... there is a void... there is a longing... some find comfort in material things... some in drugs and alcohol... others... just flat out psychotic .... creating unrealistic worlds... some of us just don't feel worthy of anything.... and then there are the marriage jumpers...always seeking that one... unconditional love...thing...

after...spending several hours...working at mikeC's house...discovering...lost treasures... cleaning and clearing... we decided to grab a bite to eat... at 3:30...on monday afternoon...most eating establishments...are rather quiet... only two tables occupied...we for the most part had the whole place to ourselves.... we enjoyed a glass of wine...while waiting for our food order.... i began talking to mike about my morning experience...which had been haunting me all day... not sure why i happened onto this...especially at the moment i did... i told mike... about my conversation with god... "just give me a sign...something" i asked mike if he thought this experience was a sign...he said if i wanted it to be...then yes... somehow this deflated me...a bit... not what i was wanting to hear.... thinking this has to have some significance... he agreed...yes it is significant... but how... i don't know... it is the timing of it all... a happen chance... stop by a garage to help out a friend...within a split second...i'm helping to save a complete strangers life...with other complete strangers... perhaps it means nothing.... perhaps...i'm just wanting something to hold onto...to make sense of all the chaos.... a sign...

on a better note... the discovery of a ginormous plastic container filled with socks...at mikeC's was quite entertaining... recognizing the time period's... while handing each pair to mike...so he could decide whether he wanted to keep them or not...i would say...80's... dress socks... oh i love these...every possible style of sock was in that box... and nice socks... we also discovered his pocket squares he wore during his news 9 reporting time... exquisite....insisting he would never use them again...he offered them to me...which i gladly accepted...secretly... oohing and goohing over them anyway..... every one i pulled from the box...i would sigh...oh look at this... each and every one....absolutely beautiful... silly i know...but i have always loved textiles... and well.. this was a real find for me...a true treasure....so thank you mikeC...

i'm feeling a bit afraid to leave my house today...for fear something else will happen...each day since day one of 09 ...something over the top huge has occurred......not just...oh i forgot my keys... but major life changing stuff.... i'm just not cut out for this... and if this is a sign...of the year ahead... please excuse me...if i bow out...of this one....

i wish...i wish...

it would snow..... i love the snow...the way it changes everything... a beautiful...snowfall... covering the ground with inches and inches of white... i know so many people cringe at the possibility of snow... but i love it...

this morning...mikeC called inviting me to breakfast.... without hesitation i accepted...quickly got my shit together and headed out the door... he was waiting for me at the red cup... a five or so minute drive south on western...

well on my way....i started having yet another conversation with the man upstairs.... talking out loud like some crazy woman...perhaps i am crazy...anyway...the conversation went something like this... i need a miracle..or a sign...or it's all on you... blah blah blah... well i decided i would stop in eddie's the VW mechanic's garage at 31st and western to check on Val's car for him... thinking to myself it should only take a sec...

the parking lot was jam packed with vehicles needing repair...two tow trucks loaded down with cars... i parked on the street just north of the building... went inside a small entry way with doors on either side... the smell of gasoline... and oil...immediately engulfed me... the small garage was lined with cars.. towards the back of the garage....two men were standing at a work counter looking at some automobile gadget...another rather handsome young man....lying on his back underneath a light blue early 70's VW bug....not moving an inch.... keeping his eyes on whatever he was working on.... politely asked if i needed help.... while explaining why i was there... a man charged through the door....yelling does anyone know CPR... a man has just collapsed in my shop.... immediately we all ran to the next room.... and there he laid... his mouth and nose foaming....his face turning blue... body twitching... there was nothing any of us could do... but comfort him... for a moment it was complete and total chaos... one man called 911... the woman on the other end...asked him the same questions over and over... it seemed like this man was going to die..right there.....we all kept shouting...just get the ambulance here... she continued to ask questions... the same stupid questions over and over.... within minutes....the rescue fireman arrived... then the EMT.... i stayed with the man... gently caressing his head... doing what i could to comfort him... all eyes...all attention on doug...

i was never asked to move...they let me stay next to him... holding his hand... they all worked around me......doug looked at me...with such fear in his eyes... softly whispering to him...they are taking care of you...you're going to be okay... the fireman strapped him down..the EMT... restrain his hands... oxygen masked strapped to his face... needles in his arm...blood... i stayed with him... it was like he was trying to say something...to me with his eyes..... eventually... doug was being rolled out of the garage to the ambulance...

i still had not found out anything about val's car so i went back next door....asked when it might be ready.....when a man came up to me... and said they want your name and address... he then hugged me... thanking me...... we just held each other...two complete strangers....hugging each other...

i have no idea why they wanted my name... i looked at the EMT woman... she looked at me... with such kindness... thanking me... i asked if he would be okay.... she said ...something...i can't remember... i then walked out of the building towards my car....head down...the air cold... doug on his way to the hospital... i couldn't help but cry...

today...i witnessed something... experienced something... miraculous.... i didn't know a single person in that room....not a name...never laid eyes on their faces...and together...we all helped save a mans life...

two days in a

row.... i have been mentioned with the addition of photos of me on a friends blog... makes it kind of hard to disappear... which is what i want to do...but i too wanted to enjoy the fresh air...the 73 degrees on january 3rd... so i venture over to sauced...with books in hand.. my journal... a new catalogue on a masters program in san francisco... pipe dreams...

i sat down at a table with a once upon a time dear dear friend...who despises me now...andre... we used to be inseparable...but his pride... and his anger got the best of him... shortly after waving me to sit with him...he quickly disappeared inside... not wanting to be near me... so i sat alone for some time...not really in the mood for chit chat ... when a very tall somewhat handsome young man walked over to where i was sitting....offering him the only other chair at the large white metal table..... he said thank you...pulled the chair a few feet away and sat down.. eventually beau and his dog dakota...joined me...the conversation started slowly... just doing the i don't know you at all thing... getting acquainted... superficial... conversation... he was very kind...with an intriguing calm voice... after a few mimosas he invited me to go with him to a friends home then to dinner... we enjoyed a yummy meal at a local japanese style restaurant... then he wanted me to join him at some hotel...at that point i felt uncomfortable... things were moving along a bit fast for me...not to mention the temperature was dropping and i really needed to come home and let lucy in....with the intent of meeting up later... i never left my house again...and don't even know if the phone rang... !!! oh well... i suppose it was just one of those things.....

saturday....sunshine...

smiles upon me... !!! here i go again.....with elliptical...meandering...meaningless ramblings.... words written to sooth my soul... a therapy...of sorts... getting out...the thoughts...trapped inside... making room for more....meandering meaningless... thoughts...to be written...

day 2 of this new year....i spent at home.... lots of turmoil... swimming about in my brain... losing myself...my worries... playing... game after game of solitaire... taylor left around 3... and then it hit.... everything exploded inside... here come the tears... so i let out a big one...the cry of all cries... my body heaving...nose running...tears pouring.... it was the all consuming... boiling over... the top... let it all out...cry... i just couldn't face the world yesterday.... i just wanted to hide... coming to terms with the choices i've made.. over and over...reflecting on each step...each move...each wrong turn... all leading me to one...pivotal moment.... exhausting all other possibilities...

i have got to do something....i refuse to live like this anymore...i am at my limit... and if something good...doesn't happen within a very short time...i will be forced to take matters in my own hands... i see no other choice...

setting some goals...very real... must get done goals...no exceptions...... this is it... the end.... i have had 3 consecutive...rotten years...and will not go through another one...i just won't... drastic situations...take drastic measures... enough is enough...

there are so many men wearing hard hats in my back yard right now.... clearing away tree branches interfering with the electrical lines... it freaking me out....and i want to leave...but i don't want them to see me...so i'm hiding inside...hoping they will finish soon...

i am determined to have a good year... i'm determined...to get it right... to fulfill my dreams...and make my life...the best ever...to have that shining light of love...with me all the time...thank you...thank you...for the love of family and friends...for the abundance in my life... the wonderful little surprises...and miracles... thank you....thank you...thank you.... thank you....

not so sure....

how things will pan out this year... i am hoping... it to be... so much better than the last 3....i began this new year... in a town i have never been before... meeting people i've never met before... listening to a band i've never heard before... standing in a bar...i have never stood before...watching people i've never watched before... having conversations i've never had before...sleeping in a bed i've never slept in before... a little town... built on the side of a mountain... an old town....filled with history... interesting people... cool little shops... bars and restaurants... a wonderful little town... in arkansas... eureka springs...

i don't know why...but for some reason this spontaneous road trip...has significance... having all new experiences...on the last and first days of the year... feels important... nothing spectacular happened.....nothing other than doing something i have never done before.... kind of fairy tale like... i love spontaneity...i love experiencing things i've never experienced before... getting away from my reality...going to a place no one knows me... or knows anything about me... being alive...among hundreds of strangers...smiling...and feeling like i was exactly where i was supposed to be...no one standing in judgement...no one...really giving a shit about who i am... we were all there for one reason...to celebrate...a new year...

i'm home again... rolling in around 6 yesterday evening...everything is the same for the most part... a few changes...have already presented themselves... things that will alter my life temporarily... as well i expected the change... so it was no real surprise....just a pain in my ass... but it is what it is...and that's all i have to say...about that...

waking this morning...with visions of sculptures...floating about from leftover dreams... lucy girl laying next to me... curled up...like she does... taylor...sprawled out on the sofa.... tv blasting... neither of us can sleep through the night... in separate rooms...watching movies... thinking of the things...we've done...and the things we need to do... how will this all work out... disappointment...after disappointment...trying to find some peace in our broken hearts... still we smile... hug one another..because we can...love you...love you... so in this crazy mixed up world...friends filled with infatuation... sparkles of lust...dance in their hearts... lonely souls looking for lost love... it seems...in all this confusion... one thing always exists... each other... the love we have for each other... maybe it's just friends...maybe it's in passing... it's always about the human spirit.... the people in our lives... all the other things just seem to wash away... not really... having much importance... it is in the end... don't we all...just want to feel love... and joy...in our hearts... love of a parent...a child.. a husband...a wife...sister or brother... a lover.... isn't it really.... without each other... nothing we do...really fucking matters...

so...on this day... i give thanks for all those who have come into my life...those who have gone from my life... the friends who bring me orange juice and firewood...when my temperature is rising... the smile on my sons faces... the phone call...when it seems not a soul remembers you're alive...

some how.... all this craziness...works out... in ways we never expect... in ways that give us hope... a better understanding... from darkness.... we grow...from darkness we find light... i am looking to the light....to the love...to carry me through... thank you for each and every miracle...good or bad... thank you for the wisdom...the knowledge... to know... that all things come to and end... and when that door closes behind me...another opens in front of me... today... i celebrate...the door closing... a new one opening... a new beautiful...life... a new beautiful...happiness... a new beautiful... awakening...i celebrate...all the love...that surrounds me..i give thanks for the abundance in my life... new and old experiences...my family and friends... thank you thank you thank you for this fabulous friday....!!!

wishing each and every one...an amazing new year... an incredible 2009...!!!