life is.....

good...

the lilies have broken ground...!!!

mikeC's gardens are blossoming reds yellows...and violet...!!!

japanese maple... red feather like leaves....

tulips and daffodils...

pansies please....

butterfly bush...laced with purple and spring green!!!

most thankful...for this wonderful day...that lies ahead...filled with love and light...and the scent of spring.......!!!!

intuition....is

a powerful tool.... and at the same time...a haunting tool... knowing without knowing.... feeling it but not quite able to pinpoint... exactly what i'm feeling.... sometimes it's so strong...and has a name... attached to it... others.... just a feeling... raising my heart rate...the rhythm of my breath accelerates.... turning away....not wanting to listen...to know what i feel is right....wanting it to be wrong... the thing is....it's never ever wrong... it's always right... with this comes a paradox... i've learned to accept as part of my journey...

it's like someone saying..."i love you" and then a second later....hitting you so hard...you fall to your knees... in shock and pain... it has long been my belief...that "actions speak louder than words..." time and time again... this has been proven... and since...95% of communication is not the spoken word... my belief is more accurate than not...

upon my return from costa rica... i have been hiding out at my house... only spending time with my sons...and a few friends... for fear of losing this incredible happiness.... for fear that all the unhappiness....all the sadness....most people i know here...are consumed with...could somehow... take it away....or they would do whatever it took to squelch it... the moment of my return... i could feel the sadness hovering over the city.... just above the street lights... there it was... like a giant fire breathing dragon... ready to sweep down.... and suck from me all the beauty i had found... all the happiness...i had absorbed....the hope and magic... deep inside my soul....

i feel like costa rica happened for a reason... it wasn't just because... it had purpose and meaning... i stepped outside the velvet rut....and walked upon the light of happiness... i found something there...i had long lost... the sense of real...what life is about... why i am here... feeling hope... and adventure.... knowing there is more to this life....than what i have been living... there is so much good in this world...so much love...and kindness.... in every single petal of every single flower... is the truth....in every shade of blue....of green...there lies...magical powers... in my moment of weakness....i turned away...from everything i knew...i turned my back...gave up on hope... gave up on myself... the possibility of this life... in a moment of weakness....i shed a tear...for all i have loved...and all i have lost....in a moment of strength....i remembered... so much...so much more than i ever remembered before...

this life has been good to me.... oh...yes there are days...when i feel i am drowning... in a toxic pool of crap.... but inside me...flickers....a flame of hope.... dancing about.....filling me up....letting it rise and sing....the song of life... i'm just beginning....to build again...to find my dreams.... to walk away from anger...and sadness.... to smile upon my neighbor.... to speak....kindly... to share...openly....to welcome...love... to be... alive...

intuition... reveals the truth of things... without words... it's just in the gut... the heart... it can be protective...it can keep me from danger... but most importantly...i know before you say the words... before... it actually happens... i know!!!

a taste of color

tamarindo and golfito flowers just outside my rooms











tamarindo.... beauty....

i had completely....

forgotten about this blog.... until yesterday when i was asked if i had blogged about my holiday.... suddenly there it was....pretty in pink.... and thought nope... said no... no i haven't... realizing... this blog had become no longer a part of my daily world... i had even forgotten about mikeC's blog... and the few others i read on occasion...

after my failed attempt to move to italy a year or so ago...i decided to not talk about any of my plans publicly...only to my closest friends...and my sons... trying to explain why things don't work out...the way we plan...is much too difficult....especially when we don't understand why ourselves...

i find myself lost in oklahoma city... the attitude here is so different than the attitude in costa rica... one of the most obvious differences is...happiness...not that kind of happiness one finds here... with the big houses...big cars...fancy clothes... who you know....where you go... it's more the kind of happiness that just lies within the soul.... the kind that has hope....and smiles... the kind of happiness that doesn't hurt... it just feels like being alive... the happiness was more from the costa rican people... walking barefoot...hustling about here and there... happy to be where they are...living with very little.... shoes seem to be more novelty than normal attire.... and the smiles...were everywhere!!!

for weeks and weeks i've been telling mikeC....i want a muse.... a lover.... that fills me with excitement...passion and energy.... wanting to be alive...wanting to be creative.... then i realized...i found my muse... in the jungle....on the beaches....at sunrise...at sunset...sitting quietly...overlooking the beauty that surrounded me...the peaceful sounds of toucans and macaws high above me.... caressing the canopy of trees..... the shades of magenta...yellow... blue.... greens and reds.... even during dry season....costa rica holds a majestic beauty....that seeps into your soul....intoxicating..... waking everyday....to singing birds... the windows open....the scent of plumeria... palms like i've never seen.... the strong wind blows..... covering my skin...with a welcome layer....of sandy salty mist.... i couldn't close my eyes....i couldn't stop listening... smelling... the never ending sound of laughter filled the air.... nothing seemed to bother me... or irritate me... life just felt....like life...like i embody...the true meaning of life... every morning sitting outside... either on the beach...or the balcony of my room...writing...documenting....ink the shade of ocean blue... looking up...to see the metallic...blue green and black humming bird....sucking nectar from the pink blossoms....just a few feet away... the monkey's huddled up in the trees.... the ocean waves crashing... time released...one after the other.... the soft rustle of the palms swaying in the breeze... and then i smile... raise my arms to the heavens...thankful for this magical moment....this sun beating down upon me.... this life... this day... this gift....

the truth is....i didn't want to come back here... not yet anyway.... i don't want to feel the sadness that floats just above the velvet rut.... the red dirt... the cars racing about on the roadways.... everything so perfect...buildings rising.... stars faded from the city lights.... i loved the sound of the water...trickling down the rock walls... created eons ago.... the camouflage tree trunks... the clear blue sky.... the taste of fresh coconut.... fallen from the tree.... i didn't want to come back to everything...planted in perfect rows... to the more we have the richer we are.... i loved the simplicity...of walking on the beach....the seashells....washed upon the shore during high tide... the sand...seeping away below my feet as the current returns to the ocean.... leaving...no trace of having been there... the change of every movement of water.... the constant...flow of energy.... the beauty....the incredible beauty...

the project

mikeC's....master bedroom

before....powder pink...









after....

light khaki .....





the room looks completely different... today the trim will be painted...it's all sanded and ready to go...

a few finishing touches....and he will be sleeping in his new... bedroom....

for a while...

i really enjoyed this blog thing... for some reason it's lost its luster...and i haven't really felt like writing... interestingly....every morning... i go to my blog...with the intent to write... sit and stare at the blank page...waiting for the words.... the thoughts to come...but nothing happens... nothing i care to write anyway....
i do have good news... my sons are both here...with me... and there's nothing better in this world then having my sons....home again....
leighton has found love... and is very happy...spending most of his free time with her... she's a doll and i couldn't be more elated... seeing him...filled with joy...love....and the confusion of first loves...
taylor...is figuring out life stuff...what to do next... and how to get there.... confusion of life....

mikeC's master bedroom is almost complete....

that's about it....

on this day...i give thanks for all things...possible...for hopes and dreams...for believing in love and happiness... i am most grateful for this day....and all the beauty it beholds....

progress....is a good thing...it

appears...after days and days...of plugging along.... working and working... with little visual results...!!! then suddenly...there it is...that light...that wonderful...beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.....that just hours before...seemed so dim...and so far away....

my son, taylor worked with me on mc's home redo project yesterday... amazing progress... !!! even though we got a late start we managed to get a great deal done... before heading to mc's..there were things around our house that needed attention... as well the daylight savings time has me all twisted in time.... i am shocked by the amount of work accomplished in a few short hours with two people.... it's more than double....seriously....taylor helped mike remove the old ceiling fan.....taking all of 10 minutes.....a must do before completing the ceiling texture..... we also broke down...mike's bed and moved it into the hall...

taylor and i work so well together... there is a ....connection...as to the way we work and think... one of those very cool comfortable... never irritating work partners....and with the sort of work i do...having someone...who gets it...is essential... so many people.... i have to spend hours... explaining every step of the way....not him... he just follows my lead...then takes over... very few questions... very few interruptions.... excellent...!!!! while taylor painted the first coat of color on the walls...i finished the ceiling texture....then together we knocked out the last few feet of painting... never ever getting in each others way.... we also...did a bit of garden weed removal... cleaned all the tools... a must in my book...

i was shocked to see it was almost 5:30...when we finished up.... time just flew... with so much progress taylor and i.... left mc's house feeling accomplished.... there is no way i could have gotten so much done... alone... taylor made a huge difference... today.... i can get the ceiling painted... the second coat on the walls... if time allows...i can get the woodwork done....

very very soon...mc...will be waking in his newly updated... masculine decorated...with a touch of softness...bedroom....!!!

out of the corner of...

my eye....i see the flame dancing.... !!!

warm my heart....make me giggle... quiver with joy....at another persons happiness..... oh...the bright shine....of the heart...glows...glistens....love all around... i see it in his eyes.... in his step... the bounce of love... infatuation...

i dream.....
of the ocean.... sound of the waves... feel the sandy mist upon my face... sunset surprise... the first star in the night sky.... walking barefoot... in thick green grass.... soft and moist...tickle me pretty.... scent spring...shower....intoxicating.... let me fly....let my soar....let me love....all i adore...

a new day....awakens... possibility prevails...opportunity invitation.... take my hand...lead the way... believe...believe... in all living things...in all the stars....the penny wishes.... pond fish...swimming... orange and gold....koi...me up to the sky.... birds with fins.... cars with wings... east west..... beginning...to close.... spring.... teases... sneak previews.... rebirth... red belly robin...gift of hope....whistling the morning song.... iris oh iris.... bloom for me... purple petals...fall gently.... drink the sun.... breathe deep.... and deeper... today's smile...is for you...is for me... is for the new love... the old friend.... the mother the father... brothers and sisters....

i ask for forgiveness...for understanding... i give thanks for visions... for dreams... and hope... i give thanks for the laughter... dancing with friends....the young woman's story... hold me tight... never let me go....you have always...been in my dreams.... i fell in love...over and over... a walked on water...i touch the sky...i lived in the forest....flew with the fairies....i am all that i am...and much much more....i ask for your love... your strength and guidance.... i stand in humility....in ahh of creation....evolution...the man who stood one point five million years ago.... i am.... thankful for this day.... my new printer ink.... the hug the memories.... and all that can be....

sometimes we just

have to say "when"..... cut our losses and move on....!! a friend advised me today....to "just let go" of a particular situation.... after pondering this advice for a few minutes... it occurred to me... i don't really understand letting go... there is also the old saying...."forgive and forget".... all of this is easier said than done... to forgive...is actually quite easy...but to forget...not so much.... "letting go" is another easier said than done....

when someone....lashes out...deliberately....saying things to hurt another... it's just not so easy to "just let go".... in my mind....it is....words hurt...they never ever go away...once they are uttered...they are permanent... there is no taking them back...there is no...forgetting... the words have forever altered the relationship.... break my bones...they do heal...break my heart...it will mend... but words...they are always...always...there....

it's okay to be angry...to know ones own limits.... as a dear friend once said to me many years ago...we teach others how to treat us.... and if we allow them to treat us unkind...it is no ones fault but our own..... we have taught them we accept their cruelty...and it's okay for them to hurt us....

it's not okay...and it's not easy to say...i let go....i forget.... time heals...and that's the only real medicine...for some things.... time... helps the hurt...lesson...it helps the words fade... into the shadows....of another day.... it helps me to remember....be careful what you say... be careful how you say it...be honest when you do... because those words....can some day...come back and haunt you...

sometimes...i forget...

just how blessed i am... life throws those silly curve balls...that get me off track occasionally...but when i really think about my life...the people in it...i am incredibly blessed... !!!

i just got invited to go to momentum tonight with my cousin...and her daughter.... hope...wow...how great is that!!!

okay...really this story begins...yesterday morning...the warm weather...tickling...my fancy.... starting off... feeling a little hungover...from the barfing flu bug wednesday...not fun...... making the decision...i was going to feel good...whether i did or not.... mind of matter... really does work...

the only real plan for the day....was a lunch date at 11:30 a.m...... and to go check on my friend Val..... he had called me tuesday night...sounding very weak...and asked me for help...just before i was headed his way...he called back and said it was getting late and he was tired...so wait until tomorrow...... i tried calling him a couple of times.... on wednesday.... but the constant dashes to the porcelain goddess... prevented me from making the 20 minute drive south...to check on him....then yesterday...after two more unanswered phone calls...i began to really worry.....val usually returns my calls within an hour or so.... mara offered to go with me....i did not want to go alone...for fear of what i might find.... i have a key to his place....so getting in wouldn't be a problem....fortunately... when we got to his place...his car was gone...and two of his neighbors said he had just left...and seemed to be okay.... needless to say... i sighed with relief....and felt the tears...burn a bit... thank god....Val finally returned my call....just after we left his house...he sounded in good spirits...and strong.... he only has one or two good days a month now.... and spends most of his time at home...resting or at the hospital....

after finding val...okay....mara and i returned to the red cup...just in time for me to get to flip's only a few minutes late... scott and i sat outside on the patio...enjoying the warm sunshine and the good ole oklahoma wind... we chatted about this and that...he brought me a beautiful candle...made with olive oil...and a bottle of wine for my birthday.... so extra sweet...love it... he had a flight to catch so we hugged and said our goodbyes.... then off to sauced to meet mikeC... i refused to spend my day inside yesterday.... upper 80's...no way... eventually we were joined by skip...lauren and a few other folks...enjoying the warm afternoon sunshine...

by sunset...sauced patio was packed....people were out and about... enjoying the warm evening air... it was absolutely wonderful...and mikeC...in rare form... larryP.. entertaining the troops...jin dressed in biker chick wear.... caitlin...sexy and smiling...cristin... cute as ever....klint...actually happy....hugs from titi...a chat with joe mills...
a wonderful....perfect...thankful..... thursday.... love it....

another sun filled day... is waiting...and i'm ready to grab it...all of it....