i had completely....

forgotten about this blog.... until yesterday when i was asked if i had blogged about my holiday.... suddenly there it was....pretty in pink.... and thought nope... said no... no i haven't... realizing... this blog had become no longer a part of my daily world... i had even forgotten about mikeC's blog... and the few others i read on occasion...

after my failed attempt to move to italy a year or so ago...i decided to not talk about any of my plans publicly...only to my closest friends...and my sons... trying to explain why things don't work out...the way we plan...is much too difficult....especially when we don't understand why ourselves...

i find myself lost in oklahoma city... the attitude here is so different than the attitude in costa rica... one of the most obvious differences is...happiness...not that kind of happiness one finds here... with the big houses...big cars...fancy clothes... who you know....where you go... it's more the kind of happiness that just lies within the soul.... the kind that has hope....and smiles... the kind of happiness that doesn't hurt... it just feels like being alive... the happiness was more from the costa rican people... walking barefoot...hustling about here and there... happy to be where they are...living with very little.... shoes seem to be more novelty than normal attire.... and the smiles...were everywhere!!!

for weeks and weeks i've been telling mikeC....i want a muse.... a lover.... that fills me with excitement...passion and energy.... wanting to be alive...wanting to be creative.... then i realized...i found my muse... in the jungle....on the beaches....at sunrise...at sunset...sitting quietly...overlooking the beauty that surrounded me...the peaceful sounds of toucans and macaws high above me.... caressing the canopy of trees..... the shades of magenta...yellow... blue.... greens and reds.... even during dry season....costa rica holds a majestic beauty....that seeps into your soul....intoxicating..... waking everyday....to singing birds... the windows open....the scent of plumeria... palms like i've never seen.... the strong wind blows..... covering my skin...with a welcome layer....of sandy salty mist.... i couldn't close my eyes....i couldn't stop listening... smelling... the never ending sound of laughter filled the air.... nothing seemed to bother me... or irritate me... life just felt....like life...like i embody...the true meaning of life... every morning sitting outside... either on the beach...or the balcony of my room...writing...documenting....ink the shade of ocean blue... looking up...to see the metallic...blue green and black humming bird....sucking nectar from the pink blossoms....just a few feet away... the monkey's huddled up in the trees.... the ocean waves crashing... time released...one after the other.... the soft rustle of the palms swaying in the breeze... and then i smile... raise my arms to the heavens...thankful for this magical moment....this sun beating down upon me.... this life... this day... this gift....

the truth is....i didn't want to come back here... not yet anyway.... i don't want to feel the sadness that floats just above the velvet rut.... the red dirt... the cars racing about on the roadways.... everything so perfect...buildings rising.... stars faded from the city lights.... i loved the sound of the water...trickling down the rock walls... created eons ago.... the camouflage tree trunks... the clear blue sky.... the taste of fresh coconut.... fallen from the tree.... i didn't want to come back to everything...planted in perfect rows... to the more we have the richer we are.... i loved the simplicity...of walking on the beach....the seashells....washed upon the shore during high tide... the sand...seeping away below my feet as the current returns to the ocean.... leaving...no trace of having been there... the change of every movement of water.... the constant...flow of energy.... the beauty....the incredible beauty...