outdoor attitude...

adjustment...!!!

spending the day outdoors....playing in the gardens....raking and digging cool moist dirt... clearing and cleaning... planting...bulbs of canna's....gladiola's... clematis... the hosta still sealed in the green plastic bag... gardens of spring...changing day to day.... the tulips and daffodils fade away...while the peonies...and iris... begin to bud... hints of purple and magenta lie within the thick green petals.... waiting...with anticipation... for the ideal combination....of sunshine...rainshine... into intoxicating color... droplets of water... glisten in the early morning sun... color...bursting....with such majestic glory.... the dance of spring..... a silent melody... carefully composed.... in perfect harmony....

as the rain falls.... today...the sun shines tomorrow...another flower blooms.... a smile in my heart....a labor of love..... a day outdoors... awakens me... !!!!

wednesday.....

april 15th...2009

this morning began...a little out of the ordinary...

my bedroom was dark.... and complete silence...engulfed the room... clean linens... the sun beginning to illuminate the early morning darkness... laying in my bed... 7 or 8...extra cozy pillows.... my trusty alarm clock... a lighted bright bluish green ....6:32... makes me smile... first thought was...i slept in... i slept past 5... everything seemed so different... like waking up in a whole new city... usually the television is still on...along with some other small lighted object...but not today... no lights...no sound...no one but me....

happy...there is enough time to check my email...do the normal morning things... kind of my daily ritual...which changes from time to time... i get bored with doing the same thing over and over again...

i like noise...but last night...for some reason i just didn't want any noise... so off went the television...and the lights... have you ever noticed how lights make noise.....? i always feel like if a light is on...there is something noisy about it.... like i'm not alone...

my laptop...was having minor difficulties....and me being the computer wiz i'm not...i decided to try and correct it myself....HUGE MISTAKE...

i did get through all the normal online reads... before completely screwing the thing up.... then got ready for the day... i suppose...i should have known this would be a day...i will always remember... i should have known... the tingle in my gut...kept getting stronger...almost unbearable....unless you've felt this tingle of knowing...you can't imagine what it's like... the only way to describe it is.... like having really pissed off butterflies.... and the entire time....looking over your shoulder to see what's coming your way.... however... it's not always so easy to see...

around noon....a friend took me to the Oklahoma City Animal Shelter... aka pound... the facility itself is pretty nice...anaseptic...the cats...have nice big rooms... with different cat things to keep them happy... large picture windows...surround each space... a cats dream house... right... well... after passing this lovely cat facility...there is a hall...leading to the dogs....not so nice...area.... not having any idea what i was about to see...never ever being there before... my heart...sank... row after row...of kennels... maybe 3X5 or 6 feet... the dogs... were caged up... some seem to not care...others were barking away... then there were the dogs... who could barely move...

after touring the medium size dog space...we went into the room that housed the large dogs... we walked up and down each isle...making sure we saw each dog... not leaving a single one out... then on the last isle... i saw... something... i could have gone my entire life without seeing.... a white with reddish brown spots...pit bull....covered in what looked like red dirt.... scars and open wounds... his body...convulsing every few seconds... i'm just not cut out for this...sort of stuff... how can...could anyone treat an animal...in such a way...how??? at that very moment... i realized there was no way i could have walked through there alone....gratitude towards my friend swept through me... it was just too much.... tears...flooded my eyes...my cheeks drench with sadness... it was just too much.... my friend...gently placed his hand on my shoulder... comforting me... letting me know... he too cares.... he is there...

at about half past noon we were heading back to the hood.... discussing lunch...when i decided... i wanted to go home...eat some leftover chinese and see if i could shake the pissed off butterflies... and fix my laptop... thanks to the help of a computer wiz friend... his suggestion worked...and i was back in action... only to find out.... a very dear high school friend had passed away saturday... and his service was this morning.... a former classmate sent out a mass email letting us know about Pauls passing....

time...reversed..in my head...and suddenly i was in Paul's faded blue el camino... we were smoking cigarettes...and laughing.... talking about this and that... but mostly just being cool... oh the days.... when everything seemed... like nothing mattered at all.... we were...ready to tackle the world...graduating in a few weeks.... skipping school... excited...soon we would be free forever....

this afternoon....i wanted to do drive straight to northwest classen high school....sit on the front curb...look out over the parking lot...and remember...the kids...the laughter...the cars.... the freedom.... it's funny how losing someone... who you don't know at all now...but at one time... you couldn't imagine life without them...sparks so many thoughts...so many memories...so much sadness.... how... life is... with or without us...

before and after

mikeC's master bedroom...now....and in the cluttered powder pink before!!!

question...

if someone smells...like cat pee...would you tell them?

this week...

has flown by...again!!!

my focus this week has been on mikeC's house.... the master bedroom is almost complete... as he has mentioned on his blog..he's actually sleeping in his bed...and seems to be enjoying it...!!! i must admit this makes me smile...with much happiness!!!

this has been a challenging project... challenging in the way of organization and sensitivity.... fortunately...i planned out how to approach the project...while he is still living in his house... beginning in the back of the house then moving forward... cleaning...clearing...organizing...boxing... throwing away... giving away.... etc...
my son and i cleaned the dining room....it took a couple of days... mike working with us... so we didn't accidentally throw something away that might be of importance... this has been the trickiest part of the project... early on... learning...NOT to throw away anything without running it by mike first... some things are obvious...others not so much...
yesterday...was so so fun for me... in his dining room stands a china cabinet...matching his dining room table and chairs... inside...filled with junk...or so it appeared...covered in dust... and more dust...mixed with layers of cat hair...so... i began removing all the things inside the cabinet...and cleaned it... this is where it got fun.. inside that cabinet...was an amazing assortment of trinkets...representing mikeC's life...his ancestors... incredible... so being the girly girl i am... i cleaned each thing...and carefully arranged all his wonderful treasures..for viewing... there is a violin..his grandfather hand crafted...the bow..the case...there are several hand painted china plates... a vase...pitcher... sugar bowl and creamer...all painted by his mother and grandmother... signed and dated...i found 3 framed floral needle points ... done by his mother... a box of photos dating back to WWI... hand turned wooden bowls... his grandmother collected... election buttons... dating back to cleveland...harding... fdr...teddy... i felt like a kid in a candy store... there were a half dozen framed photographs... the cabinet is a museum of mike's life... this may sound silly... the bedroom was labor intensive...and took a long time to get done... but i felt such a sense of accomplishment... over his china cabinet... i LOVE the china cabinet...!!!

i then began to clear out all the boxes and things i had already prepared in the back room which now needed to be moved in order to begin the re-do...he has boxes and boxes of books... a box full of albums... boxes and boxes of art supplies... an artist dream... trust me...i got wet just going through his art supplies... in this way...mike and i are quite similar... lots and lots of art supplies...!!!

today...the re-do on the back room begins... transforming it from 1980's pink with floral valances.... mauve mini blinds... scraping the ceiling... remove the pink crown molding... and begin to create a magical space for mike... a space...with a big..comfy chair.... shelves filled with his collection of books... new updated window treatments.... freshly painted walls and ceiling...new molding... oh...it will be spectacular...!!!

there is this feeling that comes with accomplishment.... not pride...not success...but something much greater.... it's indescribable...really ... while i'm in the middle of the project...i'm a part of it...it exists within me...and i within it... when it is complete... and i step away...it no longer is a part of me.... it is now... standing on it's own....when i look upon my creation... i'm always...always amazed...at the end result...wondering... where did that come from...it's almost like i had nothing at all to do with it...

my greatest hope is....when i am complete... that mikeC... loves what i have done for him... that when he opens his front door...and sees his home...he loves it... he absolutely loves it...!!!

sanity...insanity....

drama...craziness... what is the meter that measures... sanity... drama...and craziness....? is it our level of tolerance.... is it childhood memories...haunting us....is it.... ego...or lack there of...is it understanding....or standing in judgment...is it what we decide...what we choose to accept as normal....?

perhaps it is...we don't know any better.... we grow up... in a society....dictating right from wrong... as a woman...it is our duty from birth...to serve... it is written in the letters to Corinth's from Paul... how women are to behave in society...what is and is not acceptable....Woman is to Man as Man is to God....
Corinthians 11
3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

7	For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: Gen. 1.26 but the woman is the glory of the man.
8	For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man.
9	Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. Gen. 2.18-23

Corinthians 14

34	¶ Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.
35	And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.

as a young married woman..... my father who long ago denied the church... still believed that a woman's job was to serve her husband.... one evening...during a family dinner... i prepared my plate of food....and sat down...when my mother came to me... explaining that my dad was very upset... that i had not prepared my husbands plate first then mine...

upon hearing this...not only was i shocked...but really pissed off... why should i wait on him... i work just as hard...i take care of the home... i cook all the meals...clean the home...do the laundry.... take care of all household finances....and i'm expected to prepare his plate of food before my own....

most women...would probably rather not admit this....that we are subservient...that we are to take care of our men...and everything else at the same time...it's like men just get some free to life ticket...to do as they please...while women...are to be second to them....

today...it's not as prevalent...this subservience... however... it is still there...

just after buying my first home.... a salesman came to my door.....he began his pitch... then he paused...asking if my husband was home...i said there is no husband...immediately the man... said how sorry he was... and how i didn't qualify...because i was a single woman.... basically saying....you're only half a person since you don't have a man... this happened repeatedly... in public...on the phone...when shopping... it was a constant reminder...that because i am a woman...i am incomplete...without a man...

as little girls... we are told...fairy tale after fairy tale...of "happily ever after" i believed this shit... i believed that my prince...in white...would come and rescue me...and take me away... making me his princess... i would ride off...on his white stallion... in my beautiful white gown...

i remember... my brothers always getting special treatment...while my sister and i were expected to clean up after everyone... while they got new clothes and got to play sports...my sister and i wore hand-me-downs...and sat on the side lines...

things have changed...since the 50's and 60's.... as to what a woman is allowed to do... we now teach our daughters...they can do anything they want...they can be anything...they too can have and follow their dreams...we even goes and far as preparing them for all possibilities... however... underneath...all of this preparation...is.."when are you gonna settle down...find yourself a good man...have some children..."

if i've heard it once...i've heard it a million times..."women are crazy".... "women are insane" well... i wonder why...

as a teacher... i saw daily...how mothers coddle their sons... they treat them as though they are precious little angels...while not so with daughters.... rules are different for boys than for girls...all of which are socially acceptable....

it seems to me....that women are raised in our society...believing they are not enough without a man... there is this constant underlying message...that as a woman you must have a man in your life or... your just not good enough...something must be wrong with her... she's crazy...she's insane... but she works really hard...

i suppose the bottom line is....we all just want to be loved...we all just want to feel needed... and that we matter... but it's not always the case... sometimes....our innate desire.... social expectations..dictate...who we are...and what is expected of us...

perhaps it will always be a double standard....that men can do and live as they please....and women will always be crazy...insane...drama queens... why.... because...man says so...!!!!

April Fools....

my son shouts...laughing so hard..."i got you mom"... after his oscar winning phone call performance...of just having a car wreck... i posted a short version of the dialogue between us on facebook.... which in turn...provoked several responses...from friends... to be honest i was more surprised by the responses than my sons convincing performance....

the phone call couldn't have been more than a minute... but...within that 60 seconds... while listening to him...asking him questions...my mind was racing...with visions of him...trapped inside his car... his arm broken and limp...his face bloody...how to get to him...as quickly as possible... it was as though i was right there by his side... not standing in mikeC's bedroom...watching him remove the closet door... oddly... mike had ZERO reaction...while i was freaking out on the phone... he just continued trying to remove one the doors..asking no questions...even though my voice was filled with fear and concern... my first question to leighton..."are you okay...are you hurt" still nothing...not a peek from inside the closet... nothing... i think mike would have been more concerned if it were my cat ollie or my dog lucy...than one of my sons...

in that minute...i was consumed with a mothers worst nightmare... my child is hurt... my child is scared and alone...my child...that i carried inside me for nine months....birthed naturally... nursed him...held him..comforted him... my baby...was hurt... it's amazing how my mind.... reacts... how calm...i become...in a moment of desperation...total fear... i don't know if all mothers are like this...if we all react the same... but i do know...there is this internal...maternal strength... mothers...have...that can move mountains...that can lift automobiles...that can do and act beyond our own physical strength or knowing...!!!

fortunately...my sons and i have had a great many adventures together.... we have been face to face with more than one life threatening situation... i suppose giving us the advantage...and understanding of how to recover quickly... get through it safely.....this isn't the first time...one of my sons have called... just after an accident....or other not so good situations... over the years i have learned how to deal with them... how to help them....usually they aren't an hour away...and i can get to them within minutes... between the two...there have been at least 5 car wrecks... a half dozen broken bones.... bloody bodies... a dozen or more trips to the emergency room... holding them...witnessing the fear in their eyes... doing what mothers do...

while others seemed angry or irritated by my sons april fools joke... i felt relief... a sigh of thank god...he's not hurt... i even found myself laughing ... saying.."you little shit"... "you little shit" both of us laughing...at his remarkably convincing... joke!!!

i would rather be laughing at the end...then crying... if the truth be known...!!!

i read yesterday....

that oklahoma is the 16th most unsafe state in the US.... right up there with..new mexico... arkansas....and texas!!!! upon sharing this information with a friend...he told me... he read last week... Forbes magazine has listed oklahoma "43rd" as to the quality of life....there is more... a few months ago the oklahoma gazette wrote an article regarding prescription drug abuse in the US and again... oklahoma was right up there at the top.... don't quote me on this...but if i recall we are in the top 5...if not number "1"...yep.... !!! this is one messed up state... we have a huge problem with teenage suicide as well pregnancy...and isn't the divorce rate above the national average... something like 60%.... ? i have no idea...the percentage of alcoholic okies...but i'm sure... it's devastatingly high...

what causes all this unhappiness?

perhaps there really is a fire breathing dragon...hovering just above us.... !!!

i wish i could go on a happiness crusade... wake the people up in this state.... go on a crime reduction crusade...wake people up in this state.... i wish i had the answers... i wish i could help change the sadness that consumes oklahomans... i wish i could help the misguided...unhappy teenagers...i wish...i could help... married couples considering divorce...i wish i could make a difference... but what i have found is in oklahoma city....people don't like happy people... i've even been told... by a friend... there is a woman who doesn't like me....saying i'm so "OPTIMISTIC" i'm always happy... Whaaaaa ut!!! are you serious... all i could do was laugh... people don't like me because i don't express....my woes all the time... holy bjesus...!!!

saturday night...i met some friends out for a drink... an acquaintance...can't really call her a friend... who just had a baby with a man i consider to be a very very dear person in my life... anyway she... jumped down my throat...screaming at me in public.... for mentioning...."long johns" at her b/f...almost husbands birthday party.... with a great deal of anger and intensity ...she told me how inappropriate it was... OMG...i'm so confused... apparently donuts...are inappropriate... last year for my friends birthday....we got him chocolate covered long johns at 7-11... instead of a birthday cake.... covered one with as many candles as possible.. (his name is john) he laughed so hard.... so when i arrived at the afternoon...birthday potluck...this last january.... i mentioned how i almost brought him "long johns" okay.... really...are you serious...this is inappropriate....? please help me understand ... i just don't get it...!!!

it's almost as though people...try and find a reason...no matter how silly...how ridiculous it is... to be sad or angry.... why?

all of the above...pretty much validates....my previous posts regarding.... oklahoma city... and the sadness....hovering like a fire breathing dragon..growing...rich in the red dirt...blowing across the plains... consuming people in this state... why so sad people... why???

okay....this is what i know... happiness is a state of mind... just like anything else... success... failure...sadness.... we can choose to be happy...or sad....we can choose success...or failure... we can smile and laugh....or sit teary eyed crying the days away... i will admit some sadness is necessary and there are certain things....that happen which cause sadness... no need to name them...we all have our sadness thermometer....

i know in oklahoma...the weather is most unpredictable... from one moment to the next you never know.... if people would just step outside of their cages....the metal four wheel boxes..... and look beyond their noses....they would see an entire world... they would see .....so many colors... so many beautiful things.... that surround them every second of everyday....they would see the stars in the night sky....the moon..waning and waxing....they would smell the scent in the air...just before the rain falls....the temp dropping...30 degrees within minutes.... they would see... the family next door.... see the children jumping on trampolines...or racing their bicycles...as fast as they can.... they would see so much to explore...find so much to feel...

as i love my home....this city... it has become more apparent to me... i can no longer stay here... i can no longer live in a city...which is consumed by sadness.... unhappiness.... the thing is... we have so much here....we have big houses...and cars to drive...we have grocery stores...filled with food to eat...we have schools to educate our children....ourselves.... we have washing machines and clothes dryers....we have wonderful restaurants.... to sit and eat...we have a wonderfully diverse community... filled with people from all around the world.... we have stories to tell... families....and lovers...we have children... and parents....we have shoes to wear... we have television...and music to hear.... we have so so much.... but it just doesn't seem enough... if we all took a second... to look left...then right....smell the newly blossomed flower.... looked up to see the birds....nesting in the trees...flying in our sky.... breathe in...all the glory...the sunrise...the sunset....drink the happiness... have some sex.... hug a friend..... break out the bubbles.... skip in water puddles....squish your toes in cold mushy mud.... dance in the rain... sing as loud as you can.... laugh a little... love a lot.... happiness...is right there in front of you... it's waiting...for us all....it's calling out your name.... it wants you to dive in.... and enjoy life..... it wants you to embrace....all you can...and never ever give up hope.... blow a kiss.... laugh at your mistakes.... learn to live.... learn to smile...learn to listen... live a little...live a lot....