wednesday.....

april 15th...2009

this morning began...a little out of the ordinary...

my bedroom was dark.... and complete silence...engulfed the room... clean linens... the sun beginning to illuminate the early morning darkness... laying in my bed... 7 or 8...extra cozy pillows.... my trusty alarm clock... a lighted bright bluish green ....6:32... makes me smile... first thought was...i slept in... i slept past 5... everything seemed so different... like waking up in a whole new city... usually the television is still on...along with some other small lighted object...but not today... no lights...no sound...no one but me....

happy...there is enough time to check my email...do the normal morning things... kind of my daily ritual...which changes from time to time... i get bored with doing the same thing over and over again...

i like noise...but last night...for some reason i just didn't want any noise... so off went the television...and the lights... have you ever noticed how lights make noise.....? i always feel like if a light is on...there is something noisy about it.... like i'm not alone...

my laptop...was having minor difficulties....and me being the computer wiz i'm not...i decided to try and correct it myself....HUGE MISTAKE...

i did get through all the normal online reads... before completely screwing the thing up.... then got ready for the day... i suppose...i should have known this would be a day...i will always remember... i should have known... the tingle in my gut...kept getting stronger...almost unbearable....unless you've felt this tingle of knowing...you can't imagine what it's like... the only way to describe it is.... like having really pissed off butterflies.... and the entire time....looking over your shoulder to see what's coming your way.... however... it's not always so easy to see...

around noon....a friend took me to the Oklahoma City Animal Shelter... aka pound... the facility itself is pretty nice...anaseptic...the cats...have nice big rooms... with different cat things to keep them happy... large picture windows...surround each space... a cats dream house... right... well... after passing this lovely cat facility...there is a hall...leading to the dogs....not so nice...area.... not having any idea what i was about to see...never ever being there before... my heart...sank... row after row...of kennels... maybe 3X5 or 6 feet... the dogs... were caged up... some seem to not care...others were barking away... then there were the dogs... who could barely move...

after touring the medium size dog space...we went into the room that housed the large dogs... we walked up and down each isle...making sure we saw each dog... not leaving a single one out... then on the last isle... i saw... something... i could have gone my entire life without seeing.... a white with reddish brown spots...pit bull....covered in what looked like red dirt.... scars and open wounds... his body...convulsing every few seconds... i'm just not cut out for this...sort of stuff... how can...could anyone treat an animal...in such a way...how??? at that very moment... i realized there was no way i could have walked through there alone....gratitude towards my friend swept through me... it was just too much.... tears...flooded my eyes...my cheeks drench with sadness... it was just too much.... my friend...gently placed his hand on my shoulder... comforting me... letting me know... he too cares.... he is there...

at about half past noon we were heading back to the hood.... discussing lunch...when i decided... i wanted to go home...eat some leftover chinese and see if i could shake the pissed off butterflies... and fix my laptop... thanks to the help of a computer wiz friend... his suggestion worked...and i was back in action... only to find out.... a very dear high school friend had passed away saturday... and his service was this morning.... a former classmate sent out a mass email letting us know about Pauls passing....

time...reversed..in my head...and suddenly i was in Paul's faded blue el camino... we were smoking cigarettes...and laughing.... talking about this and that... but mostly just being cool... oh the days.... when everything seemed... like nothing mattered at all.... we were...ready to tackle the world...graduating in a few weeks.... skipping school... excited...soon we would be free forever....

this afternoon....i wanted to do drive straight to northwest classen high school....sit on the front curb...look out over the parking lot...and remember...the kids...the laughter...the cars.... the freedom.... it's funny how losing someone... who you don't know at all now...but at one time... you couldn't imagine life without them...sparks so many thoughts...so many memories...so much sadness.... how... life is... with or without us...