life is but a dream...!!!

have you ever....slept next to someone...and dreamed of them at the same time...?
if this occurs...does it mean...somehow...this person has crawled inside your head...while your eyes were closed...?
life is but a mystery... life is but a dream....
yesterday morning... after a quick stop at the quick stop... i began singing the song "row row... row your boat... gently down the stream.... merrily merrily merrily merrily....life is but a dream..!!!
i could hear my father's voice...low and raspy... drifting back in time...to my moms aqua blue chevy impala... all 6 of us piled in...on a warm summer day...windows down...singing... away...each of us were to begin our verse... just after the third row.... there were a few other family sing-a-long songs...but this one... always ended in an uproar of laughter.... who would boof first...ha!!! the fumble mumble...of harmonic chaos...
i find this song...to be a feel good song...so when your down and out...just start singing at the top of your lungs.... row row...row your boat...gently down the stream....amazing results...always a smile.... just like bubbles.... which i find to be a feel good thing as well... test results have proven bubbles will cause smiling....
the great outdoors is calling to me again...the warm air returns... more like october in oklahoma... none of this mid 30's shit...this early in the year..... nah nah nah!!!
today...removing...replacing...rebuilding... all in mikeC's yard.... the never ending...work in progress has taken yet another turn.... perhaps... this is my life's calling... mikeC's home...ha!!!!
this is not to make any sense...just in case some of you are trying to make heads or tails of it all.... i suggest a....nod and smile.... kiss kiss

crazy people.....

there are all sorts of crazy people in this world.... there are those...who make us laugh...uncontrollably...there are those...who must explore extreme risks.... there are those... who are clinically diagnosed as completely out of their minds.... some safe...some harmless...but crazy nevertheless.... then there are those...who are deeply disturbed...and just flat out angry... creating situations... which are quite unpleasant... and the saddest of all are the people who at one time enjoyed being alive and due to some horrible life experience has left them so scarred they have become irrational...erratic and seemingly dangerous...this list could go on and on...however within this list are people i am well acquainted with....
yesterday...i mentioned the angry woman who became completely irrational and childlike when i stood up from the table....in order to acknowledge my friend who was waiting on me to join her....
upon sharing with a few close friends this experience...their first response came as a surprise... "was she drunk?" not sure whether she was or not....pausing...for a moment then replying...."i don't know...i don't think so...but who knows"
i suppose some things are better left alone.... however growing up as the peace maker in my family... it's not my initial response to walk away... over the years i have learned ...to give myself a day or two to absorb....what had happened... then decide whether or not... it's worth my time to address.... in the case... i felt it was...so the day after... i sent her a very nice message... via email... since i had no other way of reaching her... she didn't bother to read it... as stated in her response...and began calling me names... rude....self absorbed... diluted and insane... she went on to say... other things that were rather disturbing....not to mention she posted public notes using my name....which were...well let's say...equally as disturbing and childish... keep in mind this woman is 27.... however... if this shit would have come from someone i had respect for...or a close friend...it might have cut me... but considering the source... her verbal abuse had very little impact...
i'm still rather confused by this whole experience... luckily there were several people who witnessed her behavior...all having the same response as myself... WTF just happened.... shaking their heads in disgust...then laughing at her ridiculous display...
the thing is...... the little i know of this woman.... is not enough for me to say i really know her... or to even refer to her as a friend.... she is no more than an acquaintance... i see maybe an hour or so a week... what i do know...is mostly very sad... her life is spent sitting on the patio at sauced... talking of all her troubles...and how awful life is....she rarely gets to see her son...she can't keep a job.... she has awful boyfriend after awful boyfriend... you know the same ole.... woe is me shit.... i suppose another life lesson has just presented itself.... we are all victims of our own realities....and we make the choice to live happy productive lives...or to just wallow around in our own messy vomit...
some might say this has obviously had an impact on me... perhaps it has.... mostly because i have always been extremely kind to this woman... accepting her to the best of my ability.. for who she is... being publicly humiliated is not exactly what i call a feel good yummy sort of thing... however in this case... was it.. she who has made a fool of herself.. or did she in fact make a fool of me...?
some people....just have ugly lives...they are angry... and sad...they will never ever live any other way... moving from establishment to establishment.... temporarily engaging people... who have yet to hear their story... never staying in one place very long... misery loves company...does it not? for me this experience....has catapulted me into a new way of thinking... a new strength... and renewing the realization...i do...have some of the most amazing friends... and to each of you... i am most grateful...to have in my life....

when it rains it pours...

last weekend was no exception to this rule.... a few weeks ago i was asked to donate a sculpture for a fund raiser... of a new school recently opened... an art school from what i understand... gladly accepting the opportunity....to contribute....over the past fifteen...twenty years... myself along with many other artists have donated works to various fund raising events.... i have found most artists are incredibly generous...
another invitation arrives via the phone... an invite to a halloween party the same weekend as the fund raiser... then another to create magical...whimsical.... costumes for the annual magic lantern halloween event for children on the paseo...
delivering my sculpture in typical artists style.... right on time...the day of the event... which was only a day late...oops... in my defense... the sculpture i had designed.... which was locked safely inside my head.... was well on it's way... welding....sanding... welding...grinding... near completion it was now time to attach an essential element to the finished piece... the plexi.... drilling three holes to inlay round steel bar... the third hole blew out in the back...destroying the plexi... shit... this is not good.... my entire design just blew up in my face...
teaching taught me....a few little tricks...one being... adjustment...... when one direction isn't working... take it another...so with little time left...the sculpture...changed... not exactly what i had planned...but it worked... exhausted from the day...and the intense work.... i decided not to attend the event that evening.... however... my dear friend who was directly involved in making this event happened insisted i attend... rushing home....taking the ever so relaxing bubble bath... candles... oils....and a glass of wine.... dressing in record time.... my escort arrived and off we went...valet parking available for the artist....along with the big spenders of the evening... i lasted all of an hour and a half....
saturday was just as chaotic as friday.... cristin and i had a few minutes to spare...before the day took over.... we decided to meet at sauced... for mimosas.... while waiting for cristin and her daughter... i sat down with another friend... chatting away.... when a young woman i only know from sauced approached us... announcing she was fired from the iquana lounge after only five days...her employer referred to her as a worthless human being and asked her to leave his restaurant... the woman i was seated with and i both know this employer quite well...actually he is a very dear friend.... of course knowing the woman who was fired... it was not at all surprising...to hear...however she went on and on about her five days of employment... play by play detail... cristin and her daughter were waiting patiently on me.... when she finally motioned to me...and said...come over here... i gathered my things...stood up.... with no intention of leaving until the end of the angry woman's story... the next thing i know she becomes irate...calling me names....throwing her hands up in the air....storming off like a child... everyone sitting outside...was taken aback by this behavior...par for her from what i've seen in the year i've known her... everyone on the patio was looking at each other saying " what the hell was that all about" ...some shaking their heads in complete and total disgust... oh well... she then went on to tell me how rude i am... among other things..... i guess standing up...is rude... who knew!!!
the good news is...my sculpture was a huge success...and sold for a fair amount of money... during the live auction...which all goes to the school... !!!!
now it's time to get ready for saturday evening....after careful thought... i decided to be the ocean for halloween... which was a rather involved process... a couple of friends....painted my body for nearly 5 hours... adorned with bright colored fish....a seahorse...starfish....coral.. seaweed... bubbles...and ocean blue....from head to toe.... wearing a skirt...made from aqua blue shimmer fabric... ripped up from the hem then twisted and stretched to resemble tentacles.... my hair colored blue and green twisted dread lock style...... blue eye shadow....lips....layers and layers of spray glitter.... i am now a walking work of art...an amazing sculpture...picture after picture taken throughout the night.... of course i don't have a single one....ha!!!!
sunday morning....worn out... with more obligation.... many errands to run... cleaning out the bath tub...which was completely clogged from the latex... preparing dinner for my sons... the magical lantern...check in time for artist 1:45.... shit...hurry hurry.... racing all over town to get everything done...i made it just after 2....oh oops...again.... the children and parents began piling in... the magic was now to begin...taking little shy darlings...decorating them as fairy princess' ... witches...warlocks... oh i even created the hulk...using paper... little zoe...had her picture taken for the paper.... the photographer taking names...including mine... we made magic on sunday.... children smiling...parents thrilled.... the magic lantern is just that....a magical moment...every halloween...
oh and the angry woman....is still angry....and has now referred to me as rude...self absorbed...and diluted....

my not so political side...

yesterday morning.... driving south on western... a regular for me... listening to NPR... another regular... for two days public radio is having their annual fund raising drive... both local and national stations are plugging the drive.... needing so many callers an hour...pledging so many dollars to keep public radio alive.... then i hear... we need 27 callers this hour and there are approximately 5000 of you listening to the D.R. show right now.... seconds later...the local station located in norman, oklahoma began thanking the new and renewing subscribers....then making a similar plug...not as many callers needed.... okay.... momentary lapse of reason... was the 5000 number national....or local... this number only makes sense if it represented the number of listeners in oklahoma...right?? nevertheless i realized i was one of only 5000 people... listening...whether it be right here in my own state or nationally...i was surprised... intrigued... surely there is a miscalculation somewhere....surely there are more than 5000 people listening....
a few minutes later... standing at the red cup counter ordering a cup of coffee... the aroma... familiar.... reminding me of the early days.......there were maybe 10 people seated...some chatting away... others...completely involved in their laptops...flipped open....steaming cup of coffee sitting on the table.... my visit to the red cup was a pit stop... so to speak...not in the mood for chatting or trying to actively listen...i grabbed a gazette...sat down at the counter... drank my coffee...read a bit... had a brief art chat with cat...then headed out... the second half of the D.R. show was an interview with Mrs. Blair...the wife of Tony.... an interesting...interview... responding to callers..answering their questions.... the interview kept me company during my drive west on reno... heading to regal plastics...

needing a rather small cut of plexi for a sculpture... however i really wanted it to be 1/2" rather than the 3/8" 8X12 cut i ended up with...i was most grateful to get what they gave me.... most wouldn't know the difference between 1/2" and 3/8" anyway.... lesson learned from years of experience.... and usually some guy...who knows more than me...about building...because of course... he's a guy.... will gladly tell me.... exactly what size it is..... surprisingly men... have serious spacial issues...from what i've gathered...could be wrong... !!! like i was saying... most couldn't tell the difference between the two anyway..... the sucky part is... i can...!!!

okay....why has no one told me about Rachael Maddow.... ? discovering her for the first time... just this week... this woman is right on.... i'm not your typical.... abc...nbc...news follower... hate the shit...actually... once in a while catching a bit... while checking the weather... and as always...reassured that the morning media...is a waste of my time... interestingly...while on my way home yesterday evening...still listening to NPR... the topic of Rachael Maddow came on... regarding her new show... clips from her recent interview with P....Buchanan....and an interview with Rachael herself... apparently it's not just me....she seems to be catching on.... !!!

in the end.... i find myself

doing something i've never done....

people come....people go..... our lives are full with people... their life stories... listening carefully to every word... the day when the child was born... the wife divorced long ago...another country... another time... pictures as a young man...a father of two....a wife so beautiful.... the old black and white photograph placed carefully on the chest of drawers... the father above...the son below... photo album after photo album in arms reach... photographs of his life... of his family... of his future....now only images...memories...

a panoramic print of an ancient city in germany...hangs loosely on the wall.... another reminder of his life... the city the oldest in germany.... named after augustus.... ausburg...a beautiful fortress built by the romans.... a domed cathedral stands tall over looking the city... another with spires reaching to the heavens...showing a time line... romanesque into gothic...

his new home...small in comparison to what i live in...but ginormous in comparison to the trailer he lived for 7 years... only a bed...a built in sofa...all the real needs in this modern age... refrigerater...stove/oven...running water...washroom...dining room....compact and cozy....

75 years have come and gone.... he now lives alone.... two red chairs sitting side by side...a table in between.... a small television keeps him company...while the sound is muted and the music of mozart.... fills the room....looking through the tiny window in the door...i can see him resting... his eyes closed... perhaps remembering....not wanting to startle him... knocking softly at the door...he opens his eyes and looks at me...a smile stretches across his face as he slowly gets up... walking across the room to welcome me in... hugging me gently...hugging me with such kindness and love... a few minutes pass... we talk of this and that.... this wonderful man... i have been so blessed to know... not nearly long enough... says to me... i need your help... responding with...whatever you need....!!! "will you help me write a will... i want to leave everything to my son mark" his hands shake uncontrollably... each day the disease has more power than he... making a list as to not forget... it begins with the will....the bank account information... then he says..."i want to be cremated".... asking me to contact a friend... who gave him a name....now misplaced... making sure i had everything listed... we chat a while longer.... i look around his new home...everything perfectly placed.... he seems comfortable...content...

upon returning home...i spent my afternoon...researching last will and testaments... contacting his son.... letting him know what has been asked of me... and what i will need from him... responding with such gratitude that i am taking care of this for them... telling me the last time he was here... he told his father they needed to get all the paper work in order.... the father refusing... he now understands this must be done... thinking to myself... he just didn't want to burden his son... he didn't want his son...to go through all of this... he is a stubborn man... even in his weakness...his failing health he does almost everything for himself... rarely letting anyone help...

talking to his bank... finding out just what he needed..... finding out the name for cremation...telling his son this was his fathers wish.... a most difficult task.... another lists filled with information.... a last will and testament...a power of attorney.... an appointment to make after departure arrangements... everyone is so kind... providing me with all the necessary information...without hesitation... a softness... almost sadness in their tone...for a man...they have never ever known...

how much time do we have....? not so much....

he spends his days...comfortable... he is happy to have what he has... he asks for little... he is ready... getting everything in order.... he has a story...a beautiful story...filled with family... success....travel...adventure... pride... and love... reminded of my own father... and his last wish of me... to manicure his hands... carefully taking each finger...massaging them... cleaning his nails... saturating his hands with thick creamy lotion... my fathers perfect hands... old and tired... sitting next to him on his bed...watching the strongest most wonderful man i have ever known..dying...

do i have the strength to watch another... die... do i have what it takes to bring him comfort and happiness....

i don't know how many days...weeks or months this man may have... however i do know... i will be there to laugh with him....to listen to his stories... making sure...he is not alone... making sure he knows his life made a difference...making sure he knows he is loved....

another meaningless mess of nothing....

william shatner....! what am i saying... ? not realizing my silly words were really worth analyzing... and for those of you who don't get it.... life is getting the best of me right now and i'm trying to feel something... anything... to know that this is not it... within each sentence written is a moment... i have experienced... nothing significant... just my simple silly worthless spot on this planet... perhaps my words confuse...or make no sense...but then i find...i have never made much sense nor has this life...or what people see in themselves...or why people spend so much time being bored or sad or not funny or not happy...or just not being anything at all... in my honest attempt to emerge from this place i have never been...it's my ramblings.... my thoughts... trying to find purpose...
there is nothing to understand... so... it's perfect to just nod and smile....
thank you johnL....for the kind words preempting the faulting of my blog... thank you mikeC...for adding the william shatner comment....not sure wtf that means...but okay...
many years ago i bought a book titled..."the artists way" this book was written to help artists with the creative flow... the unblocking of barriers.... building creative energy....one of the first steps is to write 3 pages of random meaningful...meaningless thoughts.... a day... from my understanding this means...to write whatever comes to mind...... perhaps i got this wrong as well...
i don't want some guy to buy me shoes... i don't want william shatner to read my words.... i just want to wake up from this place that never seems to end...and i don't know how...for the first time in my life...i don't know how...they say...nothing lasts forever....the tarot card says my future looks full with happiness and abundance.... but for now...i'm stuck...the quick sand sucking me in... deeper and deeper...with no way out...
i see no future...i see no purpose...i see no reason... deleting yesterdays blog.... which shouldn't have been posted in the first place...it's all true of course... but after reading the one comment...i realized how suddenly my life... my words were subject to criticism... to not so nice comments by others... perhaps i should try to write to please others....perhaps then you who need to understand...could...would...
doing everything i can...just to stay awake...just to not completely give up.... the truth is...i just don't have anything significant to say... i'm not a political junkie...i'm not a contridiction to what i say i believe.... i don't need a man to identify me... i don't need to say i'm something i'm not....i'm just trying to survive... and that's becoming more and more difficult...
anyway...what woman in her right mind would not want a new pair of shoes...?

what are dreams....

are they the stories that come in the night... surreal... a paradox...metaphorical message....sometimes understood...others wtf does that mean.... my son calls... waking from a nightmare... his voice sounded of fear...sadness..."mom you just died in my dream" telling him that's a good thing... when people die in our dreams... it's a sign of transition...the old person...the old ways...come to an end... moving into a new chapter of life... it's okay...i'm here for a very long time... god is gonna make me suffer through this life...for many years to come... saying this in a joking way...with a bit of giggle... not to worry sweetie...i'm here and very alive....!!! as always...i love you mom...i love you sweetie... have a good day...okay... love you.... was this dream telling him something...was it telling me something... i died that morning... in the mind of my son...
Revelation...resolution... revealed... dreams in the day... random streams of awareness.... where do dreams go... sitting in the middle...of my life.... fulfilling dream after dream.... finishing my degree... buying a home...traveling to italy and spain...hanging out in paris...new york...chicago...and san fransisco... walking upon the green river....the blazing mountains of montana... the rockies wielding their mighty power.... the snow falling on christmas morning... i have done all the things i have ever dreamed and more.... suddenly...the dreams are...empty... the middle of life seems to have left me cold and hard... living for what... living for who...just living... asking for miracles...asking for dreams... something to believe in... stuck in the middle... walking in circles... finding comfort in the evening glass of wine.... the occasional visit from a friend... i'm not ready to retire...i don't want to retire... asking for a miracle... the dream of the day... to wake up with purpose... with a place to go... making a difference... so...what are dreams? they come in so many ways...messages sent from some far off place...unknown to me... is the universe speaking..sharing a secret... your dream is within...search deep inside...sit quiet... let your mind travel... see yourself...exactly where you want to be... draped in the red satin robe... falling to the floor...long blond locks wave down my back...the window to my future...opens before me.... the dreams of yesterday...sleep silent memories.... a new day awaits... the dream unknown... comes... the road looks clear...and the sky...blue.... showers upon me... falling leaves.... repeat..repeat... the trees...hibernation...winter chill.... im here...and alive... i'm here...and in love...i'm here...and wanting... so much more...so much more

alive...in my own skin....

the green weed grows wild in my mind.... remember when..and why...the music sings to me again... on this sunny day...early air...sweeps through my hair... awaking in a nightmare...breath deep...fast...hard... my heart aches...is this my world...am i living in a dream...the nightmare of the day consumes...it's not the length...of life we live..is it..? simple words...fall slowly saturating... my body.... how much time do we have....? not so much!!! looking for the light...the tunnel seems long... the flicker at the end...only a headlight...guiding me... always thinking...i am a princess... never knowing...i am not...fifty years...wearing the jeweled crown... don't let the bastards get you down.... breathing the autumn air... yellow gold... orange and brown...not yet appear....the red horizon.... warm and far.... reoccurring dream... the land that sparkles...oceans vast...sunlit drops.... perfect persuasion.... telling me not to give up... standing still while the world races around...faster faster...i can't stop looking...flashing life before my eyes.... faster faster...the day becomes night... faster faster... my mind races...where to begin... how much time do we have....? not so much!!!
his eyes sad...another disappointment... who is to love me... who is to hold me... while the music sings...melodic... reminders... the reason for remembering... do we let go....of yesterday...to move forward into tomorrow... give me strength...let me learn...show me how... let go let go... it's all a part of who i am.... holding on to days... like dreams...technicolor... the boys grow into men... the mother grows old.... the wretched woman... lives long... rambling on and on....

oklahoma sunset.....

yesterdays goodbye....tears of sadness... a grown man...weeps...a friend...holds him tight... across the room... faces of sorrow... the day lingered in silence... people reaching out to one another... tear drenched faces... hugs of love...spread quickly through the crowd... the sun shined upon us all yesterday... the sun shined for a friend yesterday...

watching the almost storm roll through the sky... creating abstract creatures....flying alligators....women with wings... illuminated... making their way north... floating slowly... changing...from one second to the next... orange and pink... laced with gray...soft and beautiful.... for over an hour... the magnificent oklahoma sunset... consumed me... my friend reciting play by play scientific facts... regarding the atmospheric changes... like i could give a shit... i wanted him to shut up... i wanted him...to stop talking...and watch the magic of the color ... the constant changes... the need to feel it without explanation... i do know...why the sky is blue... believe it or not... while my need was to look in silence...it was his to explain...

so it is... the sky brings me comfort...when the sadness is much to great... i've done this my entire life....my sons do this... we have always talked of the sky...the clouds...calling one another... go outside now.. you've got to see the sky.... the beautiful beautiful sky... the moon rises in the east again....descending in the west... it's all so predictable... but it never seizes to amaze me...

waking to the sound....

of a beautiful monday morning rainshine.... wanting so.... to feel the rain for days and days... constantly looking up into the sky... blue...wondering when the rain would fall again... feeling it's approach...far off in the distance...along with the rain another desire...came true... music....filling my soul...my body... my ears... the perfect sound of the cello... the guitar... wind chimes....piano.... whistles... saturating the air... the heart beat.... resonating... within me... ... a new life... full with possibilities... believe...believe anything is possible...and this too shall be true....
lately...i have been...searching for something to bring me comfort.. to take away...the fear... searching within...without... coming to terms with the choices i've made... not certain i did this all on my own.... so i look to the sky... to the heavens...the stars...... i listen to the music... i cry in my sleep....while the tears slip slowly down my cheeks... the fear...of tomorrow... the uncertainty of this day... the courage within me...

it is...i need to say good bye... to a friend... realizing... how each of us had our own relationship with josh... mine was brief... much to brief... but it was good... it was true... the last time i saw josh... was rather insignificant... however... for some reason on that day... i stopped what i was doing...and watched him walk away... not realizing...that would be the last time i would ever see josh again... i am grateful...for the day he helped move a sculpture...the day he took me to buy a ton of chat...and helped me shovel it...from his truck...load after load... the day... i learned...what an incredibly beautiful human being...josh mcbeth is... the day... i knew...he would do just about anything to help a friend... i only hope that in his heart...somewhere deep within...he knew he was loved.. and he will be missed...