when i finally fell asleep somewhere between 4 and 4:30 am....i had a dream... that turned into a nightmare.... what began as being at a party among many friends ended up...being somewhere in a city unfamiliar having a bite to eat with mikeC... i leaned toward him as i often do and became covered with half inch long thin like stickers in my face and arms... i looked at him...noticing he was covered with them as well... as i began pulling the stickers from my arms and face...i was suddenly pulling long slivers of wood from my arms, stomach, thighs and back that were piercing through my skin... leaving bloody patches all over my body... i went to my house....to get help and to report the person who had done this to me...a guy i had attended college with many years ago... was trying to hurt me... he came to the house under the pretense of looking for me..... when i told my family and friend it's him... he took off in his car...my family said they got his tag number....and called the police..... then... i ran into mikeC again... i was covered with the wounds...he looked at me...asking if i knew where my sister was...he wanted to show her the new phone he was getting...that was not yet available to the public...he had signed up for the phone... i looked at him...wondering why he didn't hug me...or see my bloody body... he just showed me the brochure for the new phone.. then slowly walked away....!!!
there was more to this dream...but it's all somewhat sketchy ...like finding my purse in a pile of lost and found stuff... wondering how it got there...checking inside to see if all the contents were still inside...... happy to see it was...
i awoke.... sitting up... wondering what that was all about...it is still with me...and i'm not quite sure...what it means... i've never been physically hurt in a dream...chased yes...but not bloodied... i find it amusing when people i know are actually in my dreams... this has been an increasing theme lately... some say everyone in our dreams represents a part of us...then there is warning aspects as to people... among a few....as i have done a great deal of dream research...and sought out meanings in order to understand... this one....however has me a little confused... thus the research begins...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
i'm sitting outside...
in my backyard...listening to an old "indigo girls" cd...i think it was one of their first...it feels as good today....as it did..15 years ago....when i heard it for the very first time... taking me back... in time... when life was so different for me...my sons...still in the single digits... 9 and 6.... we have long past the singles...on this day...leighton is 21.
i have thought about this day...for years and years.... it's his golden birthday... 21 on the 21st... his phone is blowing up...text messages....family phoning to wish him a happy day... i can't stop smiling...
last night... 11:50ish... taylor...jake (step brother)...kyle...leighton and i went to the cock o the walk...to shoot a game of pool and have a beer... leighton....would not enter until...it was straight up...midnight... he and jake waited outside...while taylor and kyle...grabbed couple of beers and a pool table... that was the longest 10 or so minutes... i kid you not...when the clock struck 12...in we went...he marched right up to the bar..ordered his brew...the bartender didn't say anything...so i said..."ask him for his ID" he did...leighton pulled it from his wallet...passing it over to cory.... cory...looked at it...then turned to look at the clock... looked back at leighton...with a your good grin...on his face... the boys played a few rounds of pool....drank their beer... i thanked cory..telling him this night had been planned for a year..and he was great... we had so much fun....luckily it was short and sweet... saving the big blowout..for tonight... which i'm not usually invited to...it's the young guy thing...and of course having mom around just isn't really their idea of a good time... his brothers have the whole evening planned out....from start to finish... sounds like fun if your 21....not 51....
happy birthday leighton... you have...been the light of my life for 21 years... how blessed am i to know you....to have such a wonderful son... to be able to look at you...and smile with pride... love...and happiness.. you are my beautiful child... thank you for every second...you have been a part of my world... always...my love to you...
Saturday, May 9, 2009
the time...has
slipped by... life has happened in so many ways since my last blog entry... i can't believe it's been so long... suppose i haven't had much to say!!!
recently...the notion...idea... belief..whatever one wants to call it... that life has "no meaning" has been an almost daily topic of conversation in my life... it is most perplexing that one chooses to live this way... however with this thought...belief... there is no accountability... no love... nothing... just existence... everything is disposable... because...nothing has any meaning...
personally i find this a most selfish belief... it is disturbing on so many levels...and no matter how defiant...and bent this believer is...on life having no meaning... he will never convince me... that this is true...
so...my thoughts on life... for what it's worth...
in a way...i can understand mikeC's belief... if i chose to live my life the way mikeC has...
but...i have not...and my life means something to me... to my sons...my family...my friends... with the exception of mikeC... of course...however i don't know if he could consider anyone a friend... because with friendship is love...and meaning...yes? i'm so confused...
i have listened to mikeC's argument over and over again and it just doesn't have any relevance...nor does it have anything but scientific facts... mostly about the beginning explosion and the end explosion...so one day the earth explodes...no more humans...so nothing matters... simple right...however it's not that simple.... not for me anyway...
i have had a completely different life... i have had a life filled with love...compassion...passion... empathy and sympathy...laughter... family and friends...i have been a teacher... and the student... i have had two sons whose very lives...depended on me for many years... i just can't find "NO MEANING" in all of this...
10 years ago... my father became ill... he suffered from an aortic aneurysm... cancer.. among several other serious life threatening diseases... during the 11 months....beginning in june of 1999 until may 17th of 2000... i watched my father fight and fight...for his life... after 4 or 5 surgeries... two stints... gall bladder removal... then they found cancer and removed the lymph nodes and gall bladder stem to prevent spreading....at which time he went into respiratory failure and was in ICU for several days.....a few months later he had surgery done on the aneurysm which caused him to have a stroke paralyzing his right side... after 3 or 4 months of recovery...my father returned to work...and to the golf course...he had to learn how to walk...talk...eat... and write again.... then in february of 2000...my father received a clean bill of health... we were going to enjoy many more years...with him...
in the middle of april 2000.... my father's belly bloated and he was rushed to the hospital... to find that he had a rare form of stomach cancer...causing lesions on his stomach lining.... in a matter of 3 weeks...my father went from 175 lbs to skin and bones.... on saturday...may 6th at 3:30 in the afternoon..by younger brother kip...called me crying... "you better get here now ...they don't think dad will make it through the night!!" i was on a plane by 5 that evening heading for san antonio.... my brothers picked me up at the airport and took me directly to the hospital...where my mother i stayed by my father's side through the night.. the next day... was my son taylor's 15th birthday... and the day that we all learned...there was nothing they could do...!!! i heard my father laugh...and make jokes that day...he wasn't ready to die... he said..."but i still have things to do" ...all i could think of...was how he never got his canary yellow mercedes...
10 days later... while standing in my classroom...my phone rings... it's my brother.. "he's gone" i will never forget that moment as long as i live... my knees collapsed beneath me...as i fell to the floor....holding the phone to my ear... saying "no...god no.... " two of my students... lifted me to my feet.... i felt the flush of life exit my body... my dad..was gone... there was no bringing him back...there was no earth exploding...there was only a wonderful loving father... husband... man...lying breathless...on his bed...surrounded by his family....
did this man serve no purpose...did his life have no meaning... ? how can anyone say that.. how can anyone take that away from me...from my family...from him....? so what gives my father's life meaning...? he lived a good life....he brought joy to so many... he believed in all 4 of his children.. he never let us down... i can't remember going without food...or no roof over our heads... my father gave a great deal to all of us... my father's life had meaning....to me...to my brother's and sister...and all of his grandchildren...to my mother...his sisters.... it still does in fact have meaning...he gave us all something to carry on for generations and generations to come...
it is impossible for me to believe...life has no meaning... when it has had so much meaning... and whether i'm here tomorrow or not...or the earth explodes or not...i still lived...i still did what i was here to do...i still was a mother...a daughter...a sister... a friend...a teacher... and all the lives i have touched...and all the lives that have touched mine...has given it more meaning that i could ever ever ask for...
i suppose...it is a choice...to live a meaningful life... to love and to be loved... it is..that i am willing to do what i can to love and to give and to make the most of this short time on this earth... i just don't see that the earth exploding someday negates the fact that i lived...i loved... and i laughed.... with meaning....!!!
recently...the notion...idea... belief..whatever one wants to call it... that life has "no meaning" has been an almost daily topic of conversation in my life... it is most perplexing that one chooses to live this way... however with this thought...belief... there is no accountability... no love... nothing... just existence... everything is disposable... because...nothing has any meaning...
personally i find this a most selfish belief... it is disturbing on so many levels...and no matter how defiant...and bent this believer is...on life having no meaning... he will never convince me... that this is true...
so...my thoughts on life... for what it's worth...
in a way...i can understand mikeC's belief... if i chose to live my life the way mikeC has...
but...i have not...and my life means something to me... to my sons...my family...my friends... with the exception of mikeC... of course...however i don't know if he could consider anyone a friend... because with friendship is love...and meaning...yes? i'm so confused...
i have listened to mikeC's argument over and over again and it just doesn't have any relevance...nor does it have anything but scientific facts... mostly about the beginning explosion and the end explosion...so one day the earth explodes...no more humans...so nothing matters... simple right...however it's not that simple.... not for me anyway...
i have had a completely different life... i have had a life filled with love...compassion...passion... empathy and sympathy...laughter... family and friends...i have been a teacher... and the student... i have had two sons whose very lives...depended on me for many years... i just can't find "NO MEANING" in all of this...
10 years ago... my father became ill... he suffered from an aortic aneurysm... cancer.. among several other serious life threatening diseases... during the 11 months....beginning in june of 1999 until may 17th of 2000... i watched my father fight and fight...for his life... after 4 or 5 surgeries... two stints... gall bladder removal... then they found cancer and removed the lymph nodes and gall bladder stem to prevent spreading....at which time he went into respiratory failure and was in ICU for several days.....a few months later he had surgery done on the aneurysm which caused him to have a stroke paralyzing his right side... after 3 or 4 months of recovery...my father returned to work...and to the golf course...he had to learn how to walk...talk...eat... and write again.... then in february of 2000...my father received a clean bill of health... we were going to enjoy many more years...with him...
in the middle of april 2000.... my father's belly bloated and he was rushed to the hospital... to find that he had a rare form of stomach cancer...causing lesions on his stomach lining.... in a matter of 3 weeks...my father went from 175 lbs to skin and bones.... on saturday...may 6th at 3:30 in the afternoon..by younger brother kip...called me crying... "you better get here now ...they don't think dad will make it through the night!!" i was on a plane by 5 that evening heading for san antonio.... my brothers picked me up at the airport and took me directly to the hospital...where my mother i stayed by my father's side through the night.. the next day... was my son taylor's 15th birthday... and the day that we all learned...there was nothing they could do...!!! i heard my father laugh...and make jokes that day...he wasn't ready to die... he said..."but i still have things to do" ...all i could think of...was how he never got his canary yellow mercedes...
10 days later... while standing in my classroom...my phone rings... it's my brother.. "he's gone" i will never forget that moment as long as i live... my knees collapsed beneath me...as i fell to the floor....holding the phone to my ear... saying "no...god no.... " two of my students... lifted me to my feet.... i felt the flush of life exit my body... my dad..was gone... there was no bringing him back...there was no earth exploding...there was only a wonderful loving father... husband... man...lying breathless...on his bed...surrounded by his family....
did this man serve no purpose...did his life have no meaning... ? how can anyone say that.. how can anyone take that away from me...from my family...from him....? so what gives my father's life meaning...? he lived a good life....he brought joy to so many... he believed in all 4 of his children.. he never let us down... i can't remember going without food...or no roof over our heads... my father gave a great deal to all of us... my father's life had meaning....to me...to my brother's and sister...and all of his grandchildren...to my mother...his sisters.... it still does in fact have meaning...he gave us all something to carry on for generations and generations to come...
it is impossible for me to believe...life has no meaning... when it has had so much meaning... and whether i'm here tomorrow or not...or the earth explodes or not...i still lived...i still did what i was here to do...i still was a mother...a daughter...a sister... a friend...a teacher... and all the lives i have touched...and all the lives that have touched mine...has given it more meaning that i could ever ever ask for...
i suppose...it is a choice...to live a meaningful life... to love and to be loved... it is..that i am willing to do what i can to love and to give and to make the most of this short time on this earth... i just don't see that the earth exploding someday negates the fact that i lived...i loved... and i laughed.... with meaning....!!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
outdoor attitude...
adjustment...!!!
spending the day outdoors....playing in the gardens....raking and digging cool moist dirt... clearing and cleaning... planting...bulbs of canna's....gladiola's... clematis... the hosta still sealed in the green plastic bag... gardens of spring...changing day to day.... the tulips and daffodils fade away...while the peonies...and iris... begin to bud... hints of purple and magenta lie within the thick green petals.... waiting...with anticipation... for the ideal combination....of sunshine...rainshine... into intoxicating color... droplets of water... glisten in the early morning sun... color...bursting....with such majestic glory.... the dance of spring..... a silent melody... carefully composed.... in perfect harmony....
as the rain falls.... today...the sun shines tomorrow...another flower blooms.... a smile in my heart....a labor of love..... a day outdoors... awakens me... !!!!
spending the day outdoors....playing in the gardens....raking and digging cool moist dirt... clearing and cleaning... planting...bulbs of canna's....gladiola's... clematis... the hosta still sealed in the green plastic bag... gardens of spring...changing day to day.... the tulips and daffodils fade away...while the peonies...and iris... begin to bud... hints of purple and magenta lie within the thick green petals.... waiting...with anticipation... for the ideal combination....of sunshine...rainshine... into intoxicating color... droplets of water... glisten in the early morning sun... color...bursting....with such majestic glory.... the dance of spring..... a silent melody... carefully composed.... in perfect harmony....
as the rain falls.... today...the sun shines tomorrow...another flower blooms.... a smile in my heart....a labor of love..... a day outdoors... awakens me... !!!!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
wednesday.....
april 15th...2009
this morning began...a little out of the ordinary...
my bedroom was dark.... and complete silence...engulfed the room... clean linens... the sun beginning to illuminate the early morning darkness... laying in my bed... 7 or 8...extra cozy pillows.... my trusty alarm clock... a lighted bright bluish green ....6:32... makes me smile... first thought was...i slept in... i slept past 5... everything seemed so different... like waking up in a whole new city... usually the television is still on...along with some other small lighted object...but not today... no lights...no sound...no one but me....
happy...there is enough time to check my email...do the normal morning things... kind of my daily ritual...which changes from time to time... i get bored with doing the same thing over and over again...
i like noise...but last night...for some reason i just didn't want any noise... so off went the television...and the lights... have you ever noticed how lights make noise.....? i always feel like if a light is on...there is something noisy about it.... like i'm not alone...
my laptop...was having minor difficulties....and me being the computer wiz i'm not...i decided to try and correct it myself....HUGE MISTAKE...
i did get through all the normal online reads... before completely screwing the thing up.... then got ready for the day... i suppose...i should have known this would be a day...i will always remember... i should have known... the tingle in my gut...kept getting stronger...almost unbearable....unless you've felt this tingle of knowing...you can't imagine what it's like... the only way to describe it is.... like having really pissed off butterflies.... and the entire time....looking over your shoulder to see what's coming your way.... however... it's not always so easy to see...
around noon....a friend took me to the Oklahoma City Animal Shelter... aka pound... the facility itself is pretty nice...anaseptic...the cats...have nice big rooms... with different cat things to keep them happy... large picture windows...surround each space... a cats dream house... right... well... after passing this lovely cat facility...there is a hall...leading to the dogs....not so nice...area.... not having any idea what i was about to see...never ever being there before... my heart...sank... row after row...of kennels... maybe 3X5 or 6 feet... the dogs... were caged up... some seem to not care...others were barking away... then there were the dogs... who could barely move...
after touring the medium size dog space...we went into the room that housed the large dogs... we walked up and down each isle...making sure we saw each dog... not leaving a single one out... then on the last isle... i saw... something... i could have gone my entire life without seeing.... a white with reddish brown spots...pit bull....covered in what looked like red dirt.... scars and open wounds... his body...convulsing every few seconds... i'm just not cut out for this...sort of stuff... how can...could anyone treat an animal...in such a way...how??? at that very moment... i realized there was no way i could have walked through there alone....gratitude towards my friend swept through me... it was just too much.... tears...flooded my eyes...my cheeks drench with sadness... it was just too much.... my friend...gently placed his hand on my shoulder... comforting me... letting me know... he too cares.... he is there...
at about half past noon we were heading back to the hood.... discussing lunch...when i decided... i wanted to go home...eat some leftover chinese and see if i could shake the pissed off butterflies... and fix my laptop... thanks to the help of a computer wiz friend... his suggestion worked...and i was back in action... only to find out.... a very dear high school friend had passed away saturday... and his service was this morning.... a former classmate sent out a mass email letting us know about Pauls passing....
time...reversed..in my head...and suddenly i was in Paul's faded blue el camino... we were smoking cigarettes...and laughing.... talking about this and that... but mostly just being cool... oh the days.... when everything seemed... like nothing mattered at all.... we were...ready to tackle the world...graduating in a few weeks.... skipping school... excited...soon we would be free forever....
this afternoon....i wanted to do drive straight to northwest classen high school....sit on the front curb...look out over the parking lot...and remember...the kids...the laughter...the cars.... the freedom.... it's funny how losing someone... who you don't know at all now...but at one time... you couldn't imagine life without them...sparks so many thoughts...so many memories...so much sadness.... how... life is... with or without us...
this morning began...a little out of the ordinary...
my bedroom was dark.... and complete silence...engulfed the room... clean linens... the sun beginning to illuminate the early morning darkness... laying in my bed... 7 or 8...extra cozy pillows.... my trusty alarm clock... a lighted bright bluish green ....6:32... makes me smile... first thought was...i slept in... i slept past 5... everything seemed so different... like waking up in a whole new city... usually the television is still on...along with some other small lighted object...but not today... no lights...no sound...no one but me....
happy...there is enough time to check my email...do the normal morning things... kind of my daily ritual...which changes from time to time... i get bored with doing the same thing over and over again...
i like noise...but last night...for some reason i just didn't want any noise... so off went the television...and the lights... have you ever noticed how lights make noise.....? i always feel like if a light is on...there is something noisy about it.... like i'm not alone...
my laptop...was having minor difficulties....and me being the computer wiz i'm not...i decided to try and correct it myself....HUGE MISTAKE...
i did get through all the normal online reads... before completely screwing the thing up.... then got ready for the day... i suppose...i should have known this would be a day...i will always remember... i should have known... the tingle in my gut...kept getting stronger...almost unbearable....unless you've felt this tingle of knowing...you can't imagine what it's like... the only way to describe it is.... like having really pissed off butterflies.... and the entire time....looking over your shoulder to see what's coming your way.... however... it's not always so easy to see...
around noon....a friend took me to the Oklahoma City Animal Shelter... aka pound... the facility itself is pretty nice...anaseptic...the cats...have nice big rooms... with different cat things to keep them happy... large picture windows...surround each space... a cats dream house... right... well... after passing this lovely cat facility...there is a hall...leading to the dogs....not so nice...area.... not having any idea what i was about to see...never ever being there before... my heart...sank... row after row...of kennels... maybe 3X5 or 6 feet... the dogs... were caged up... some seem to not care...others were barking away... then there were the dogs... who could barely move...
after touring the medium size dog space...we went into the room that housed the large dogs... we walked up and down each isle...making sure we saw each dog... not leaving a single one out... then on the last isle... i saw... something... i could have gone my entire life without seeing.... a white with reddish brown spots...pit bull....covered in what looked like red dirt.... scars and open wounds... his body...convulsing every few seconds... i'm just not cut out for this...sort of stuff... how can...could anyone treat an animal...in such a way...how??? at that very moment... i realized there was no way i could have walked through there alone....gratitude towards my friend swept through me... it was just too much.... tears...flooded my eyes...my cheeks drench with sadness... it was just too much.... my friend...gently placed his hand on my shoulder... comforting me... letting me know... he too cares.... he is there...
at about half past noon we were heading back to the hood.... discussing lunch...when i decided... i wanted to go home...eat some leftover chinese and see if i could shake the pissed off butterflies... and fix my laptop... thanks to the help of a computer wiz friend... his suggestion worked...and i was back in action... only to find out.... a very dear high school friend had passed away saturday... and his service was this morning.... a former classmate sent out a mass email letting us know about Pauls passing....
time...reversed..in my head...and suddenly i was in Paul's faded blue el camino... we were smoking cigarettes...and laughing.... talking about this and that... but mostly just being cool... oh the days.... when everything seemed... like nothing mattered at all.... we were...ready to tackle the world...graduating in a few weeks.... skipping school... excited...soon we would be free forever....
this afternoon....i wanted to do drive straight to northwest classen high school....sit on the front curb...look out over the parking lot...and remember...the kids...the laughter...the cars.... the freedom.... it's funny how losing someone... who you don't know at all now...but at one time... you couldn't imagine life without them...sparks so many thoughts...so many memories...so much sadness.... how... life is... with or without us...
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