how small we really

are......

not just in our size....but in the whole scheme of things...

an image of a footprint dating 1.5 million years ago....was released february 26th 2009....







not only are we presented with 1.5 million year old footprints... the following is absolutely mind boggling....






incredibly fascinating... and overwhelming at the same time... i can't really wrap my brain around this one...

scientists...astronomers have provided us with a rare image of the "Eye of God".... this phenomenon occurs from the release of gases and dust...700 light years away.... " A light year is equal to exactly 9,460,730,472,580.8 km" almost 10 trillion kilometers.... so at 700 light years.... it would be 6,622,511,330,806,560. km....away...
over 6 quadrillion km

i don't think i've ever thought of things in trillions....billions maybe...but trillions and now quadrillions...!!!


i've always heard the term "light year" however i never really knew the distance or the measurement of a light year.... amazing.... now...i do..!!!

magical moments....

happen when we least expect it..... we experience...life.... sometimes...in slow motion...others... so fast we hardly realize we were a part of it... dream like... floating outside our body.... above the blessed temple... captivated...

working on the remodel...or redecorating of mikeC's house has progressed slowly....each day... more change...more work... approaching the project artistically... laying texture to perfection... yesterdays... goal was to get the ceiling scraped...the old blown on...popcorn or acoustic...texture removed... most unappealing... and messy...a must do... i have a vision for mikeC's master bedroom... so it is...time consuming....to get it exactly as i envision it... the texture..has taken me longer than expected....in my defence... i had a minor...physical interruption.... keeping me from work for a few days...
scraping the ceiling.... was a little more strenuous than expected... first....dousing the ceiling with water...using a manual pump sprayer.... after letting it soak in...for about 15 minutes...i began the grueling...task of scraping....scraping...and more scraping... some of the texture came off with ease....and some....felt like scraping concrete.... standing on a ladder.... arms over head... with the scraping tool.... most likely designed for floors.... it is somewhat heavy.... for long stretches of overhead use.... after about 30 minutes...of pushing and scraping... i took a break...

the sun had come out...the temp had risen.... perfectly beautiful...day....

i walked around to mikeC's back yard....my new favorite... pomegranate cherry water in hand... laid down on the edge of his deck....soaking in the sun.... a few minutes later....mikeC....joined me.... handing me an apple.... i lay there a few more minutes...eyes closed....basking .... when i sat up... mike announced...."there's cocoa.." as i looked around the corner...towards the north...i saw her in his driveway... the sun... reflecting...her shiny chocolate brown coat....thin body....ribs visible.... without thought.... i called out to her... "cocoa come here baby"....gently slapping my leg... upon my invitation....she turned and looked....her tail wagging... walking 5 or 6 feet toward me....then pausing...again i called to her... then again....and again... as she came closer and closer... stopping just a few feet away....most cautious... her belly showed signs of recently having pups... slowly she made her way to me.... talking to her...soft and sweet...lifting my hand to her nose....gently rubbing her head....down her back....mike...left me alone with cocoa while he went inside to get her food... she ate every single piece of dried cat food like she hadn't eaten in weeks..... she let me love on her.... talk to her.... she trusted me...

cocoa....has not had a pretty life....her owners abuse her.... mike has tried on a number of occasions to rescue her....

i have a deep deep fear of pit bulls.... a 30 year fear.... when mike left me alone with her...i felt the sense of fear...building inside me.... consciously i was not afraid...but subconsciously...i was terrified.... fear for me begins...in the middle of my gut...piercing....slowly....spreading throughout my body....causing my skin to tingle....my hands to shake... and sweat....

dogs smell fear...i've always been told... while my fear...was salient....at the same time...so was hers... cocoa fears humans....as i fear pits... for a brief moment...a magical moment... she trusted me... i trusted her....

i didn't leave that moment without fear...it was still there... i did leave that moment.....feeling something greater than myself.... hoping the next time i meet cocoa... the fear subsides....and our trust in one another..prevails.... a new friend... a new understanding...

on this first day of my 51st year....i celebrate.....captivating experiences... love and light.... and gratitude....for magical moments....

my last day....

to be the big 5-oh... time....time....time....flies by...at warp speed.... only yesterday... 365 yesterdays ago... i turned 50....(leap year) so excited... feeling a rite of passage...into a new woman.... being 50 has been incredibly fulfilling..... i love saying... "i'm 50".... along with the response of "NO WAY" .... only one birthday...digit change...bothered me...26...my golden birthday... in my mind... that birthday....represented ....the crossing over....from kid-hood...to adult-hood... no longer could i really get away with childish.... behaviors...or actions... it was time to grow up... leave behind the precious years of youth... at that time i had been married for 3 1/2 years....owned a home... had a job... playing house... living life as an adult...just didn't really feel like one...

now....25 years later....

my life is more like that of a 21 year old... it's like starting from the beginning...with some added shit....i have very little responsibilities... my sons are grown... i'm not married...it's just me...doing whatever i please when i please... no one to take care of... or...making sure homework is done....or... mouths to feed... all the things that occupied 20 some odd years of my life... the only real difference in being 50 almost 51...and 21...is.... expectations of others...

so as bid farewell...to the big 5-oh.... it is with a bit of sadness....and at the same time a mountain of gratitude.... i have learned so much.... i have felt the rite of passage... in so many ways... things that used to be of importance to me...are no longer important.... i don't rush...and panic...i don't freak out over the silliest things... i'm not exhausted all the time....scrambling for an extra hour in the day...to get everything done... i find myself...more introspective...understanding...and grateful... it's been incredible....

tomorrow...begins a new journey... a new year... a new chapter....in my life.... a goal oriented... focused...and meditative chapter.... the beginning of....I CHOOSE... to do this or that.... ....setting in motion a path in which I CHOOSE to follow... making changes... resolutions.... following my dreams....my heart....filling my world with happy love filled people.... resurrecting... my creative energy...manifest...a beautiful reality....

my new life.... begins with...

deliberate.... happiness.... love and light...

the last few weeks....i have grown...and learned so much... as difficult as some lessons are... they are lessons....worth learning.... a smile...stretches....from ear to ear....heart felt resolution... clearing the way for new discoveries.... wonderful experiences... a life of love and joy... saying good bye...to a lot of not so good stuff... and hello to the yummiest of yummies...

i am most grateful...for my sons....sending them both love and light through the power of the holy spirit.... i am most grateful for strength within...to get up and do it again...for the love that surrounds me... the clarity that engulfs me.... the knowledge...and wisdom...that escapes me... my friends....god thank you for my friends....mikeC...Jming special mention... thank you for my family....cousin kimmy and calvin...
thank you for...this lovely day...filled with magical...moments...

what a

beautiful beautiful day....!!! new hair...new understandings.... i choose... i make the choice.....
love that...so so much...

accept me for who i am....and not for who you want me to be....
do not waste another second... trying to fix...correct.... or alter me....
it won't be that easy....
i choose to be me...
silly...unorthodox... out of the ordinary... crazy.... lovely...kind....caring... motivating... encouraging... creative.... curious.... outdoorsy.... colorful....giggly... playful... beautiful.... impractical....practical... idealistically unrealistic...helpful....empathetic...sympathetic... understanding.... strong... fearless....amazing...ME!!!

oh...i do like this... i do....

i find myself....

wanting to retreat from the world.... give no cause...or reason of mention... assumption this... accusation that... it seems there are so many...who have nothing better to do with their days...but find reasons...to make others feel bad...or cause hurt or pain....slinging words of so called wisdom...... who am i...to say he/she...is...did... ? when... what i know is 3rd party information...or rumor mill...grapevine...gossip....with very little truth or knowledge...

i want to believe...there is love.... to know there is purpose.... if i keep trying... the more i grow...evolve ... somewhere along the line...to this day...in time....i forgot...what it was to try....to give a damn about anything... becoming more and more aware...there are only a handful of people...who really care... who... listen to our words... look into our eyes...and see who we really are... the essence of human life... illuminated....in every color... the good.. the bad... the ugly...the beautiful.... sometimes i wish i could be invisible... to not be the target of assumption.... to not hear....words of destruction... stealing the spirit of a life... not of your own... what is this arrogance...that walks the same streets as i....who are these people who criticize... dismantle another persons world...or claim they know more.... who are these people who imply they are friends... or they care...when all they do...is destroy.... they take and take...they hurt and hurt... under the disguise...of meaning well....

every now and then....getting caught up in the latest gossip.... he did...she did...can you believe... guess what i heard... excusing myself upon repeating....saying...don't repeat this....because... or don't quote me on that...because.... and then...after the words spill from my lips... remorse engulfs me... for being so stupid...for allowing myself to act in a way.... i despise... gossip destructive.. hurtful... gossip.... did i really just fall for that....?

from this day forward....i will remember....that he...she is human... that they too deserve love... and light...to be more aware of the words escaping my lips... take time....to listen...to look into their eyes...to understand...support....lend a helping hand.... to give of myself unto others...to be true...honest...loving....kind...caring...supportive.... non judgmental....to remember... each person i encounter has their own story....their own purpose...their own love.... and it is not my right... to in anyway....take from that human life....

i give thanks this morning...for my sons....my family...my friends... for this life... granted to me...so generously... i give thanks....for the lives before me and those to follow.... i give thanks for the love that fills my heart... for all the beauty...surrounding me...

my cat.....

oliver....has been with me...for just over 16 years..... my sons brought him home to me in october of 1992...ollie was a few months old then... i never met the tiny....kitten ollie.... taylor and leighton.... gave me ollie to help....with the loss of my mcduff....the cutest little westie....he had been with me since i was 19.... 14 years.... his death....devastated me.... however this is not a story about mcduff... it's a story about oliver...

oliver now.....old and thin.... was at one time.... the most beautiful blue hair cat.... he's a large cat compared to most.... standing with such majesty....ruling every neighborhood we have lived in.... ollie is and extraordinary feline... he's the indoor outdoor sort... until recently...ollie only came inside...for short little visits.... however.....he rarely goes outside these days.... only when the sun is warm....and he takes short little walks....then back inside...to his most comfy perch....where he can look out the window....

i'm not sure how cats operate in the cat community.... however....frequently there are cats...sitting on my porch... as if they miss their old friend....wanting him to come out and play.... or hunt.....or stalk...or whatever cats do.... but ollie...no longer seems to be interested in his night prowling... his feline friends....of 85th street...

he's not the cat from just a few months ago.... he seems tired....and not interested in much....and he even acts like he likes me... hopping up on my bed.... demanding a petting session... with a loud...and constant meow....until i finally nudge him....a gentle nudge...on his head.....then softly run my hand down his back....while he stretches....his body....his tail wrinkling....with joy.... i must admit...it's difficult to pet him....and feel his bones.... he was once so full so slick....so shiny and strong....

ollie walks...slowly...through the house.... meowing...as loud as any cat can.... he's actually known for this.... his loud..... meow.....meow....meow....talking to whoever is standing near.... he has always preferred males over females.... so when a man enters... ollie immediately yet gracefully.... makes his way to the male visitor....demanding attention.... rubbing his body on their leg...or meowing at them like the male visitor understands feline communication!!

ollie is not a people cat really....he prefers...people contact on his own terms and when he wants it....there is no hushing him....until he gets exactly what...he is.... meowing about.... well last night... he did this in true ollie form....

while leighton and i were watching the oscars.... ollie didn't seem a bit interested in us.... i rarely watch the oscars....if i remember....the last time i watched the oscars was when angleica houston won for pritzi's honor.... i don't recall who she was up against....however after that....it occurred to me...the oscars were rigged... so i have for the most part boycotted the oscars all these years.... for some reason....well one particular reason i decided...to watch... i'm not much of a movie goer....however i have seen a great many films...it's one of my passions.... needless to say....not a single film nominated in any category have i seen.... with the exception...of "pineapple express" was it nominated? one funny film....

anyway.... when the news of heath ledger's accidental overdose...hit the air ways... i was shocked...and saddened.... an odd reaction for me.... i didn't know the guy.... nevertheless.... it really got to me.... i have not been able to bring myself to watch his portrayal of the joker... so i have not seen the film.... interestingly....his portrayal of the joker....has been talked about since the day of the films release.... i have heard over and over again...that heath ledger is amazing as the joker.... as well i have not heard a single mention....of any other actor nominated last night.... so when his name was announced as the winner of the best...supporting actor....i actually screamed.... YES!!! over joyed by this deserved award...and actually being recognized as such...thrilled me..... the entire Kodak theater fell silent as his parents and sister.... began to thank the academy....and speak on heath ledger's behalf.... at that very moment.....when all was silent...the most moving moment of the oscars....oliver... decides he needs some attention...and he wants it now.... not one minute before the acceptance speech did ollie make a sound...then....right when daddy ledger...began....so did ollie... he meowed as loud and as obnoxious as he could through.. dad...mom and sister....as soon as it was over...ollie hopped off the bed and went to his comfy perch in the living room....not to be heard from again...until this morning at 4:30....

and that's my ollie story.... love him... so so much....but holy bjesus....why then...why couldn't he do that when ben stiller was on stage...or during a commercial.... any other time would have been just fine...and probably gone unnoticed.... ha....here's to cat humor.... i think he totally got me on that one....

spirit guide....

sage brushing.... clearing away unwanted energies...the scent rises....intoxicating... i drift away... casting its magical spell.... medicine woman....gently smudges....frankincense and rose oil... crossing....one over the other...onto my skin..... whispering....find the light...the white light....inside your heart....let it expand... feel the light grow within you... let it surround you...as a light of violet..begins to flicker....low in the spine...rising up...one vertebrae at a time... feel it...see it...making its way.....above you...a misty halo of violet.....hovering overhead..... feathers of brown...black and white....woven together........sweeping sage smoke...all around.... sending away....the darkness.....welcoming in a new day....

as spring....slowly....

begins to show signs of its arrival.... i feel the rebirth bursting ....bright colors...sunshine warming the earth.... the garden...of labor.... sweat and blood.... covered....thick...with autumns debris...crisp leaves of brown...red.... lay...loosely.... surrounding each...plant... providing protection from winters wrath... taking a break... within the walls....plaster covered hands.... the sun calls to me.... kneeling...down to greet....springs growth... bulbs carefully placed beneath the dirt....emerging...with such strength... in every shade of green...reaching over....to clear...the death...breathe... breathe....the tear...slips away...falling onto.... a new...day...of daffodil...sunshine....

simple pleasures... reassurance... of life...love...the most precious.... things...come in the most simple packages.... smile... smile...mike joins me... as he feels the earths call.... pulling unwelcome weeds... bright rich green laced violet....wet... and supple... uncovering.... the new...the rebirth....his gardens awaken.... as spring...slowly...begins to show signs of its arrival...

carbon dioxide.....

research this morning has my mind a thinking....according to wikipedia...

Global fossil carbon emissions 1800 – 2004.
Burning fossil fuels such as coal and petroleum is the leading cause of increased anthropogenic CO2; deforestation is the second major cause. As of 2004[update], around 27 gigatonnes of CO2 are released from fossil fuels per year worldwide, equivalent to about 7.4 gigatonnes of carbon (see List of countries by carbon dioxide emissions); in 2006 8.4 gigatonnes carbon were emitted [1]. With some simple calculations based on the surface area of the Earth, normal atmospheric pressure, and an estimate of roughly 400ppmv atmospheric CO2 content one can calculate that the atmospheric CO2 content is currently approximately 3 teratonnes.

simple solution if you ask me.... burn less fossil fuels...and stop cutting down the trees...!!!

okay....this one really gets me.... why are we bailing out Bank of America.... honestly.... my experience with BOA (Bank of America)....is they could give a flying banana peel about their patrons... BOA...banking tricks....explained to me..by a BOA employee.....just before i closed my account with them..over 3 years ago....is .... they add up all the checks that come in...and if collectively it is over your balance...they charge an overdraft fee for all the checks... instead of paying the checks your account will cover.....example: if you have $100.00 in your account...and 3 checks come in totaling $100.01... instead of paying the checks that your account will cover...they add the total amount...charge an overdraft fee (at that time $33.00 per check) for all 3 checks causing your account to go into a $99.00 deficit....

in our state we have several locally owned and operated banks with integrity....why not pull your money from the major conglomerates and put it in local banks that give a damn about you... your family...money and our state..... my personal experience with "BancFirst" a state owned and operated bank is top notch.. even though i am not on the high end of the financial world.....they have always treated me with integrity and have been more than fair.....they offer most all the benefits the large national banks have and BancFirst doesn't cheat you out of your money just to make a buck.... another thing that i have never experienced with BancFirst which was common practice of BOA...is they do not announce your balance over the intercom at the drive through...which happened to me on several occasions with BOA....

i'm just saying....another simple solution... support state owned banks and businesses....

in Oklahoma there is a new campaign to support local business owners....so why not start with the banking industry.... if we create a strong local economy....wouldn't it resonate...nationally... who needs BOA....or AIG... when there are wonderful locally owned legitimate alternatives with integrity....

i believe it's time to stand up and say no more....let's get back to the basics...keep it at home.... help our state and the people who live in it..... !!! let's take back....what belongs to us...and stop giving it to those who waste and destroy....

SUPPORT State of OKLAHOMA businesses...

my current project.....

master bedroom.... taped off....preparing for texture and painting....


powder pink will soon be gone!!











and the texture begins.... cleaning up the walls... smoothing out the surface....!!!
















just after the first round of clean up and clear out....
139 lbs of laundry...
6 to 8 bags of clothing donated
5 bags of trash....

this is now gone..and the room cleared and cleaned only the bed remains!!!

experimenting with adding images....


the old mans face....appears...withered and worn...





red rock canyon... blue green water....vines fallen...












one bad ass day....basking in the sun....

twisted...texture

illumination dance....

last night...

while putting together a new little home accessory... a rather simple project in comparison to most i tackle... a few bolts here and there....metal stand....glass bowl...water... light...plug in.... well....sometimes.....i should not be allowed to use tools...or for that matter.... a knife...as a screw driver... yep...i slipped...and sliced my right index finger.... a few layers of skin...flapping... blood everywhere... how is it...this tiny little cut.. less than a quarter of inch...can bleed...like a faucet... holy shit... blood is everywhere...drip drip....i never quite know what to do just after injuring myself.... this time was no different.... while....trying to decide the best solution....i hung my finger over the toilet watching the blood...pour from the tiny cut......called my friend who was on his way over... telling him...i just cut my finger....knowing me like he does....he laughed...and said i'll be right there.... by the time he arrived.... i had bloodied up two bathrooms...the master...then the one in the hall....where all my medical supplies are... two towels... a roll of toilet paper.... an entire spool of waterproof adhesive tape.... a bit of pressure... i finally got the bleeding to stop.... the good news is...i didn't let the cut stop me from completing my project.... which i enjoyed all through the night... a mystical misty.... lighted...water fountain.... in my bedroom...temporarily...placed in the middle of the room...

the first time i saw a mist fountain was well over a year ago.... at a cool little gift shop.."mikes" in downtown durango.... i wanted one so bad... some might consider it a bit cheesy...but i loved it.... anyway...here it is more than a year later.... and yesterday....i finally got one...

i love multipurpose....accessories... not only is it aesthetically pleasing....it also provides... humidity....softening the dry winter air.... i can't stop looking at it...as the light goes from blue... to indigo....violet...into red...

this week mikeC's master bedroom has been my major project....finally getting it completely cleared out...with the exception of his bed.... and cleaned.... i taped off...the base boards.... the window and door molding...laid...3' brown paper covering the inside parameter floors ... secured with blue tape.... began...laying a light layer of texture mud...on the walls... which are currently 70's style stipple.... with several bad patch jobs....cracks...and pail pink paint..... so far...it's coming together nicely..... the room is relatively small... 14' by 14' maybe... with two doors...one on the south wall and another on the north...three windows on the the east wall....and a closet on the west... the biggest challenge is the high ceilings.... the trim is old school.... my favorite....1"X6" baseboards....arts and crafts style.....mike and i went to Lowe's...a few days ago...and bought him a really nice 6' ladder for me to use....one that holds up to 300 lbs... in a few hours i textured about 8' of wall 6' high.... taping off the room took a bit longer than expected...it's that perfectionist thing.....so today...i am in hopes of getting all the texture done.... then tomorrow paint... honestly .... i am so excited about this project... i can't wait to see the outcome.... my plan is to make it as mikeC as possible... using earth tones...rich...and subtle.... anyone that knows him....will totally get my vision.... deep brown reds.... mustardy golds...muddy greens and browns...several....textile textures....chenile....organdy... silk....linen...cotton... canvas....brocades and velvets....

recollection...the day behind....

it all began...around 8 this morning.... dress appropriate....for a long winters hike...on a warm winters day...jumped in the shower.... wake up the skin...hot water...rinsing off the night...the day before.... threw on my levi's...the ever so functional hiking boots....a stretch cotton winter white scoop neck top... oh and cotton socks... switched my purse contents into a handy canvas messenger bag....girl's gotta have the ever so important "used daily" must have items....the wallet...the calendar... lipstick... pens......phone...ipod...journal...camera...good to go.....

this day could not have been any more perfect.... the sky so blue.... the sun warm...warming up... light breeze.... mikeC...maureen...jonathon and me.... went to red rock canyon to hike... jonathon is familiar with the area so he... acted as our hike guide...sweeeeet!!! mikeC brought his bad ass....nikon D300 yeah...that's right...the D300.... 10.3 or 12 mega pixels... me and my little sony point and shoot... jonathon pulled into the park... at warp speed....taking hair pin downhill turns like he was mario.....or some shit... slow down stud muffin.... he parked near the trails entrance... and off we went...

maureen took off walking...a fairly rapid pace... i was not so inclined to fly threw this and miss all the amazing...visually intoxicating beauty surrounding me.... there was so much to absorb... she and jonathon...disappeared down the trail...while mike and i stopped...to enjoy and photograph the scenery... horsetail reeds....shooting up...5 feet high...lined the trail....on both sides.... they were thick...like over sized blades of grass....

the trees majesty....bare branches...twisted textures dancing.... white..gray...brown... withered and weathered.... red sandy rock...indigenous to oklahoma.... blue blue sky....small pools of water....deep blue green... we ducked...under trees....jumped over shallow streams....balanced on fallen branches as we hiked higher and higher.. steps of tree roots...and railroad ties.......listening to the silence.... the peaceful perfect silence..... birds singing....yellow ringed wings....boulders... lined with crevices....and ridges... layer upon layer....of reds...browns...warm sun...light breeze...revelation.... realization...life struggles.... disappeared....

i'm a little tired....

after the early morning charade...the intruder...the police... i finally fell back to sleep...sometime just before 5.... lucy by my side....light on... a silly movie ...something to calm my nerves.... i tried to watch as my eyes fell heavy...and i drifted back into a sweet sweet slumber.... Zzz

my modeling days aren't over yet.... this is something i've been doing since 18 or so.... my first modeling experience was a photo shoot for an amateur photographer...back in the 70's... he shot photos of me wearing several different outfits...for his portfolio... i still have two 8X10's from that shoot.... i've been taken on long weekends to other states...to model for photographers....artists... in my early 20's i did a bit of local lingerie and clothing runway modeling and television spots....i didn't care much for the runway modeling... a few glasses of champagne before the shows would help calm me...enough to walk out in high high heels... a pair of pretty panties...garter and bra.... or some fancy ensemble designed by some famous designer... i finally got the hang of it...after the 3rd or 4th show...and received the "most improved model" award....by the other models.....i've really never thought of myself as pretty...or beautiful... so every time someone asks me to do this...i'm surprised...

yesterday...i did a video shoot on the paseo...take after take...clink after clink of mimosas filled champagne glasses... warm sun... cold breeze...strappy tank... hair blowing.....30 minutes is all it took... then at 7...i modeled nude for artists...at los milagros... at almost 51... it feels good to be asked to do this... one of the artist...a woman in her 60's.... announced loudly..."you have the body of a model"...i felt myself light up... compliments from women are few and far between... so when i receive one... i really appreciate it....somehow they mean more to me... than those from a man trying to get in your pants....!!! for the most part... man compliments are usually self serving...and have an underlying motive... i know you know...

in between the modeling...sessions... i met my friend...the ex ex ex ex b/f who is madly in love with me.... for dinner and a glass of wine... for some reason this was a most awkward meeting... he became jealous....while i was talking about a man friend of mine...... okay... no no no... this will not do....not at all... he said he wasn't...but as i began to tell some silly story... he became fidgety... crossing his arms..and legs...sitting back in his chair....."what?".... i don't think so... he's married...and this is becoming unhealthy for him... i called him on his reaction... and told him he can't do this... we spent almost 2 hours chatting....before my 7 o clock modeling session...we said our good byes...and drove away... around 10 or 10:30....my phone rings...it's him....calling... he told me how awkward he felt during our dinner.... i could hear...the tears in his voice... he was crying.... he loves me so so so much... i love him too...and i'm so grateful to have him in my life....but i will not...no way... let him do something he will regret later.... he's got to stop this... i don't want to not get to see him... but if it continues to become...uncomfortable...i guess i will.... knowing there is someone out there who loves me like he does....feels so good and at the same time...feels just awful.... i don't feel i'm encouraging him... and i am quite adamant about not being one who will break up a marriage... i just won't do that to anyone.... i don't think he wants to leave his wife.... he loves her...and they have a wonderful relationship....but his love for me...torments....and haunts him.... it's the first love butterfly thing that makes no sense... god i love that feeling.... i will have to pray on this one....

it's time to get busy....i have a new plan...a progressive...productive plan... to turn my life around.. so tired or not... up i gotta get....

3 in the morning...

911 call....lucy barking... loud...deep...growling bark...waking me from a sound sleep... she wouldn't stop... i sat up...turned on the light... asking her....what is it....she stands in an almost guard type stance...tale still...she hears something... she's got this look on her face....she looks away...then looks back at me.....continues her grrrrowl.....slow and methodical bark....as if she was speaking to the intruder.... i got up...searched the house....trembling from head to toe... called my friend johnM... someone is outside...my house... lucy is barking....he said call 911...right now.... so i did... holy shit i can't stop shaking... the 911 operator asked if i wanted contact with the officer....i don't know.... i'm here alone....there is someone outside....no....i don't need contact with the officer...unless they need me....a drive by will do... shit...i'm scared..... hanging up....crawling back into bed...almost hyperventilating .... oh fuck... someone is just outside my bedroom window... i see a flashlight....... johnM on speed dial... calling him again... he knows lucy....and knows it's very rare for her to bark...maybe little single hello barks...but not the repeated alarm... deep... loud...growling barks.... john said it was probably the police with the flashlight...call 911 and ask...so i did...and it was an officer on the scene.... within a few minutes... oklahoma cities finest was outside my house searching for prowlers...

oh oh...i see the police car drive by.... called john for what...the 4th time in like 5 minutes...told him i was safe...he laughed at me... kelley...i'm across town...i can't do anything... i know...but i just had to call someone....he replied...comfort call... yes... and if something happened...at least you would know......i'm not one to cry wolf.... and this is the first time i've ever called the police without proof positive... prowlers.... i know... someone was there... i could feel it...and lucy...was sounding off like a tripped alarm... perhaps she scared them away....who knows... actually this is the first time lucy has ever done this....in the middle of the night...and i'm not easily spooked...

a few days ago....she was laying on the floor next to me in the living room.... when she suddenly stood up and began...a short...growl like bark.... i looked out the window and saw a work truck... and then a man... okay..this dog is the shit.... if i hadn't witnessed this myself... i would never have thought there was an intruder...i would not have called the police....

i'm wide awake now....still shaking... feeling a little less scared...damn that was weird... okay relax...breathe...in....through the nose....breathe out.... lucy's calm.... she acts like nothing has happened...
i guess i'll be alright... i guess...whatever...who ever was out there has moved on...

yesterday... the words

hit me like a ton of bricks.... "you disappointment me...." my son begins to tell me... what a failure i am... what a disappointment i am... how i have never done anything with my life....!!! he gathered his things...and stormed out of our house.... pleading with him to talk to me.... no no he said...i can't...i love you...but...repeating the same words....you are such a disappointment.....his obvious disgust for me as his mother...was much to great.... he couldn't look at me... he couldn't be in the same room with me for another second...

something snapped...inside...something that has been brewing for months... i could see it in his eyes.... i could feel it in his heart.... my intuition once again...was right on...

leighton stayed with me....all through the day... he did his best to explain what his brother was trying to say... at one point he too became rather angry with me... yelling and screaming...don't you understand...what you are doing...don't you get it... god mom... listen to me...!!!

taylor's words...hurt...but more than that... they woke me up... not until the super bowl was over... and leighton had gone to hang with his friends...did the tears comes.... the crying.... the realization...that the choices i've made...have had an impact on my sons.... have hurt my sons... it's not that taylor doesn't love me.... he does... i know he does...

all my life...i have never felt i mattered to anyone... well except my father...who is no longer here... and sometimes i think if he were...i would never be in this place... i could never ever let him down.... instead...i have let down the two most important people in my life....my SONS.... the two people... i wake up each day for...the two people i love more than life itself...

i don't think i will ever forget what taylor said yesterday....i don't think i will ever forget the look in his eyes...the hurt in his heart... the disgust... he felt.... i can't describe... how his words pierced my heart... how deeply it hurt.... god it felt awful.... part of me...fell right back into the victim role...feeling sorry for myself... but leighton wouldn't have that... he wasn't going to let me martyr out of this one....

it's not gonna be easy.... to change... to regain the things i've lost...to get my life back on track... but if there is one thing i can't live with...it's the thought...the knowing...i have let my sons down.... sure i can sit there and say i've done this...or i've done that...what about when... however... none of that really matters at this point... what matters...is what i'm going to do from this day forward.... i could keep up this poor poor me thing...this no one gives a shit about me thing... or i can get my ass out of this bed....and do what it is i need to do to get out of this mess....

god knows...hearing my son say this to me... felt like the darkest night... had just saturated the core of my being.... that i have become a failure in his eyes... i have not only let myself down....but i have let my sons down... they can't stand seeing me live this way... it's breaking their hearts... i have done the one thing....i never ever wanted to do... i have let my sons down... i have hurt them...

sometimes.... the last thing we want to hear....is the best thing we can hear.... sometimes it takes a bolt of lightening... striking....thunder roaring...to wake us up...to see the truth of the world we've created... i never doubted my sons love for me... only love for myself....

so today...i give thanks for my sons strength... i give thanks for his words... his love... and i vow....on this day...to change my life... to find self love...to make my sons proud of me again....and to clean up this stinking mess i've made....