after the early morning charade...the intruder...the police... i finally fell back to sleep...sometime just before 5.... lucy by my side....light on... a silly movie ...something to calm my nerves.... i tried to watch as my eyes fell heavy...and i drifted back into a sweet sweet slumber.... Zzz
my modeling days aren't over yet.... this is something i've been doing since 18 or so.... my first modeling experience was a photo shoot for an amateur photographer...back in the 70's... he shot photos of me wearing several different outfits...for his portfolio... i still have two 8X10's from that shoot.... i've been taken on long weekends to other states...to model for photographers....artists... in my early 20's i did a bit of local lingerie and clothing runway modeling and television spots....i didn't care much for the runway modeling... a few glasses of champagne before the shows would help calm me...enough to walk out in high high heels... a pair of pretty panties...garter and bra.... or some fancy ensemble designed by some famous designer... i finally got the hang of it...after the 3rd or 4th show...and received the "most improved model" award....by the other models.....i've really never thought of myself as pretty...or beautiful... so every time someone asks me to do this...i'm surprised...
yesterday...i did a video shoot on the paseo...take after take...clink after clink of mimosas filled champagne glasses... warm sun... cold breeze...strappy tank... hair blowing.....30 minutes is all it took... then at 7...i modeled nude for artists...at los milagros... at almost 51... it feels good to be asked to do this... one of the artist...a woman in her 60's.... announced loudly..."you have the body of a model"...i felt myself light up... compliments from women are few and far between... so when i receive one... i really appreciate it....somehow they mean more to me... than those from a man trying to get in your pants....!!! for the most part... man compliments are usually self serving...and have an underlying motive... i know you know...
in between the modeling...sessions... i met my friend...the ex ex ex ex b/f who is madly in love with me.... for dinner and a glass of wine... for some reason this was a most awkward meeting... he became jealous....while i was talking about a man friend of mine...... okay... no no no... this will not do....not at all... he said he wasn't...but as i began to tell some silly story... he became fidgety... crossing his arms..and legs...sitting back in his chair....."what?".... i don't think so... he's married...and this is becoming unhealthy for him... i called him on his reaction... and told him he can't do this... we spent almost 2 hours chatting....before my 7 o clock modeling session...we said our good byes...and drove away... around 10 or 10:30....my phone rings...it's him....calling... he told me how awkward he felt during our dinner.... i could hear...the tears in his voice... he was crying.... he loves me so so so much... i love him too...and i'm so grateful to have him in my life....but i will not...no way... let him do something he will regret later.... he's got to stop this... i don't want to not get to see him... but if it continues to become...uncomfortable...i guess i will.... knowing there is someone out there who loves me like he does....feels so good and at the same time...feels just awful.... i don't feel i'm encouraging him... and i am quite adamant about not being one who will break up a marriage... i just won't do that to anyone.... i don't think he wants to leave his wife.... he loves her...and they have a wonderful relationship....but his love for me...torments....and haunts him.... it's the first love butterfly thing that makes no sense... god i love that feeling.... i will have to pray on this one....
it's time to get busy....i have a new plan...a progressive...productive plan... to turn my life around.. so tired or not... up i gotta get....
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