how small we really

are......

not just in our size....but in the whole scheme of things...

an image of a footprint dating 1.5 million years ago....was released february 26th 2009....







not only are we presented with 1.5 million year old footprints... the following is absolutely mind boggling....






incredibly fascinating... and overwhelming at the same time... i can't really wrap my brain around this one...

scientists...astronomers have provided us with a rare image of the "Eye of God".... this phenomenon occurs from the release of gases and dust...700 light years away.... " A light year is equal to exactly 9,460,730,472,580.8 km" almost 10 trillion kilometers.... so at 700 light years.... it would be 6,622,511,330,806,560. km....away...
over 6 quadrillion km

i don't think i've ever thought of things in trillions....billions maybe...but trillions and now quadrillions...!!!


i've always heard the term "light year" however i never really knew the distance or the measurement of a light year.... amazing.... now...i do..!!!

magical moments....

happen when we least expect it..... we experience...life.... sometimes...in slow motion...others... so fast we hardly realize we were a part of it... dream like... floating outside our body.... above the blessed temple... captivated...

working on the remodel...or redecorating of mikeC's house has progressed slowly....each day... more change...more work... approaching the project artistically... laying texture to perfection... yesterdays... goal was to get the ceiling scraped...the old blown on...popcorn or acoustic...texture removed... most unappealing... and messy...a must do... i have a vision for mikeC's master bedroom... so it is...time consuming....to get it exactly as i envision it... the texture..has taken me longer than expected....in my defence... i had a minor...physical interruption.... keeping me from work for a few days...
scraping the ceiling.... was a little more strenuous than expected... first....dousing the ceiling with water...using a manual pump sprayer.... after letting it soak in...for about 15 minutes...i began the grueling...task of scraping....scraping...and more scraping... some of the texture came off with ease....and some....felt like scraping concrete.... standing on a ladder.... arms over head... with the scraping tool.... most likely designed for floors.... it is somewhat heavy.... for long stretches of overhead use.... after about 30 minutes...of pushing and scraping... i took a break...

the sun had come out...the temp had risen.... perfectly beautiful...day....

i walked around to mikeC's back yard....my new favorite... pomegranate cherry water in hand... laid down on the edge of his deck....soaking in the sun.... a few minutes later....mikeC....joined me.... handing me an apple.... i lay there a few more minutes...eyes closed....basking .... when i sat up... mike announced...."there's cocoa.." as i looked around the corner...towards the north...i saw her in his driveway... the sun... reflecting...her shiny chocolate brown coat....thin body....ribs visible.... without thought.... i called out to her... "cocoa come here baby"....gently slapping my leg... upon my invitation....she turned and looked....her tail wagging... walking 5 or 6 feet toward me....then pausing...again i called to her... then again....and again... as she came closer and closer... stopping just a few feet away....most cautious... her belly showed signs of recently having pups... slowly she made her way to me.... talking to her...soft and sweet...lifting my hand to her nose....gently rubbing her head....down her back....mike...left me alone with cocoa while he went inside to get her food... she ate every single piece of dried cat food like she hadn't eaten in weeks..... she let me love on her.... talk to her.... she trusted me...

cocoa....has not had a pretty life....her owners abuse her.... mike has tried on a number of occasions to rescue her....

i have a deep deep fear of pit bulls.... a 30 year fear.... when mike left me alone with her...i felt the sense of fear...building inside me.... consciously i was not afraid...but subconsciously...i was terrified.... fear for me begins...in the middle of my gut...piercing....slowly....spreading throughout my body....causing my skin to tingle....my hands to shake... and sweat....

dogs smell fear...i've always been told... while my fear...was salient....at the same time...so was hers... cocoa fears humans....as i fear pits... for a brief moment...a magical moment... she trusted me... i trusted her....

i didn't leave that moment without fear...it was still there... i did leave that moment.....feeling something greater than myself.... hoping the next time i meet cocoa... the fear subsides....and our trust in one another..prevails.... a new friend... a new understanding...

on this first day of my 51st year....i celebrate.....captivating experiences... love and light.... and gratitude....for magical moments....

my last day....

to be the big 5-oh... time....time....time....flies by...at warp speed.... only yesterday... 365 yesterdays ago... i turned 50....(leap year) so excited... feeling a rite of passage...into a new woman.... being 50 has been incredibly fulfilling..... i love saying... "i'm 50".... along with the response of "NO WAY" .... only one birthday...digit change...bothered me...26...my golden birthday... in my mind... that birthday....represented ....the crossing over....from kid-hood...to adult-hood... no longer could i really get away with childish.... behaviors...or actions... it was time to grow up... leave behind the precious years of youth... at that time i had been married for 3 1/2 years....owned a home... had a job... playing house... living life as an adult...just didn't really feel like one...

now....25 years later....

my life is more like that of a 21 year old... it's like starting from the beginning...with some added shit....i have very little responsibilities... my sons are grown... i'm not married...it's just me...doing whatever i please when i please... no one to take care of... or...making sure homework is done....or... mouths to feed... all the things that occupied 20 some odd years of my life... the only real difference in being 50 almost 51...and 21...is.... expectations of others...

so as bid farewell...to the big 5-oh.... it is with a bit of sadness....and at the same time a mountain of gratitude.... i have learned so much.... i have felt the rite of passage... in so many ways... things that used to be of importance to me...are no longer important.... i don't rush...and panic...i don't freak out over the silliest things... i'm not exhausted all the time....scrambling for an extra hour in the day...to get everything done... i find myself...more introspective...understanding...and grateful... it's been incredible....

tomorrow...begins a new journey... a new year... a new chapter....in my life.... a goal oriented... focused...and meditative chapter.... the beginning of....I CHOOSE... to do this or that.... ....setting in motion a path in which I CHOOSE to follow... making changes... resolutions.... following my dreams....my heart....filling my world with happy love filled people.... resurrecting... my creative energy...manifest...a beautiful reality....

my new life.... begins with...

deliberate.... happiness.... love and light...

the last few weeks....i have grown...and learned so much... as difficult as some lessons are... they are lessons....worth learning.... a smile...stretches....from ear to ear....heart felt resolution... clearing the way for new discoveries.... wonderful experiences... a life of love and joy... saying good bye...to a lot of not so good stuff... and hello to the yummiest of yummies...

i am most grateful...for my sons....sending them both love and light through the power of the holy spirit.... i am most grateful for strength within...to get up and do it again...for the love that surrounds me... the clarity that engulfs me.... the knowledge...and wisdom...that escapes me... my friends....god thank you for my friends....mikeC...Jming special mention... thank you for my family....cousin kimmy and calvin...
thank you for...this lovely day...filled with magical...moments...

what a

beautiful beautiful day....!!! new hair...new understandings.... i choose... i make the choice.....
love that...so so much...

accept me for who i am....and not for who you want me to be....
do not waste another second... trying to fix...correct.... or alter me....
it won't be that easy....
i choose to be me...
silly...unorthodox... out of the ordinary... crazy.... lovely...kind....caring... motivating... encouraging... creative.... curious.... outdoorsy.... colorful....giggly... playful... beautiful.... impractical....practical... idealistically unrealistic...helpful....empathetic...sympathetic... understanding.... strong... fearless....amazing...ME!!!

oh...i do like this... i do....

i find myself....

wanting to retreat from the world.... give no cause...or reason of mention... assumption this... accusation that... it seems there are so many...who have nothing better to do with their days...but find reasons...to make others feel bad...or cause hurt or pain....slinging words of so called wisdom...... who am i...to say he/she...is...did... ? when... what i know is 3rd party information...or rumor mill...grapevine...gossip....with very little truth or knowledge...

i want to believe...there is love.... to know there is purpose.... if i keep trying... the more i grow...evolve ... somewhere along the line...to this day...in time....i forgot...what it was to try....to give a damn about anything... becoming more and more aware...there are only a handful of people...who really care... who... listen to our words... look into our eyes...and see who we really are... the essence of human life... illuminated....in every color... the good.. the bad... the ugly...the beautiful.... sometimes i wish i could be invisible... to not be the target of assumption.... to not hear....words of destruction... stealing the spirit of a life... not of your own... what is this arrogance...that walks the same streets as i....who are these people who criticize... dismantle another persons world...or claim they know more.... who are these people who imply they are friends... or they care...when all they do...is destroy.... they take and take...they hurt and hurt... under the disguise...of meaning well....

every now and then....getting caught up in the latest gossip.... he did...she did...can you believe... guess what i heard... excusing myself upon repeating....saying...don't repeat this....because... or don't quote me on that...because.... and then...after the words spill from my lips... remorse engulfs me... for being so stupid...for allowing myself to act in a way.... i despise... gossip destructive.. hurtful... gossip.... did i really just fall for that....?

from this day forward....i will remember....that he...she is human... that they too deserve love... and light...to be more aware of the words escaping my lips... take time....to listen...to look into their eyes...to understand...support....lend a helping hand.... to give of myself unto others...to be true...honest...loving....kind...caring...supportive.... non judgmental....to remember... each person i encounter has their own story....their own purpose...their own love.... and it is not my right... to in anyway....take from that human life....

i give thanks this morning...for my sons....my family...my friends... for this life... granted to me...so generously... i give thanks....for the lives before me and those to follow.... i give thanks for the love that fills my heart... for all the beauty...surrounding me...

my cat.....

oliver....has been with me...for just over 16 years..... my sons brought him home to me in october of 1992...ollie was a few months old then... i never met the tiny....kitten ollie.... taylor and leighton.... gave me ollie to help....with the loss of my mcduff....the cutest little westie....he had been with me since i was 19.... 14 years.... his death....devastated me.... however this is not a story about mcduff... it's a story about oliver...

oliver now.....old and thin.... was at one time.... the most beautiful blue hair cat.... he's a large cat compared to most.... standing with such majesty....ruling every neighborhood we have lived in.... ollie is and extraordinary feline... he's the indoor outdoor sort... until recently...ollie only came inside...for short little visits.... however.....he rarely goes outside these days.... only when the sun is warm....and he takes short little walks....then back inside...to his most comfy perch....where he can look out the window....

i'm not sure how cats operate in the cat community.... however....frequently there are cats...sitting on my porch... as if they miss their old friend....wanting him to come out and play.... or hunt.....or stalk...or whatever cats do.... but ollie...no longer seems to be interested in his night prowling... his feline friends....of 85th street...

he's not the cat from just a few months ago.... he seems tired....and not interested in much....and he even acts like he likes me... hopping up on my bed.... demanding a petting session... with a loud...and constant meow....until i finally nudge him....a gentle nudge...on his head.....then softly run my hand down his back....while he stretches....his body....his tail wrinkling....with joy.... i must admit...it's difficult to pet him....and feel his bones.... he was once so full so slick....so shiny and strong....

ollie walks...slowly...through the house.... meowing...as loud as any cat can.... he's actually known for this.... his loud..... meow.....meow....meow....talking to whoever is standing near.... he has always preferred males over females.... so when a man enters... ollie immediately yet gracefully.... makes his way to the male visitor....demanding attention.... rubbing his body on their leg...or meowing at them like the male visitor understands feline communication!!

ollie is not a people cat really....he prefers...people contact on his own terms and when he wants it....there is no hushing him....until he gets exactly what...he is.... meowing about.... well last night... he did this in true ollie form....

while leighton and i were watching the oscars.... ollie didn't seem a bit interested in us.... i rarely watch the oscars....if i remember....the last time i watched the oscars was when angleica houston won for pritzi's honor.... i don't recall who she was up against....however after that....it occurred to me...the oscars were rigged... so i have for the most part boycotted the oscars all these years.... for some reason....well one particular reason i decided...to watch... i'm not much of a movie goer....however i have seen a great many films...it's one of my passions.... needless to say....not a single film nominated in any category have i seen.... with the exception...of "pineapple express" was it nominated? one funny film....

anyway.... when the news of heath ledger's accidental overdose...hit the air ways... i was shocked...and saddened.... an odd reaction for me.... i didn't know the guy.... nevertheless.... it really got to me.... i have not been able to bring myself to watch his portrayal of the joker... so i have not seen the film.... interestingly....his portrayal of the joker....has been talked about since the day of the films release.... i have heard over and over again...that heath ledger is amazing as the joker.... as well i have not heard a single mention....of any other actor nominated last night.... so when his name was announced as the winner of the best...supporting actor....i actually screamed.... YES!!! over joyed by this deserved award...and actually being recognized as such...thrilled me..... the entire Kodak theater fell silent as his parents and sister.... began to thank the academy....and speak on heath ledger's behalf.... at that very moment.....when all was silent...the most moving moment of the oscars....oliver... decides he needs some attention...and he wants it now.... not one minute before the acceptance speech did ollie make a sound...then....right when daddy ledger...began....so did ollie... he meowed as loud and as obnoxious as he could through.. dad...mom and sister....as soon as it was over...ollie hopped off the bed and went to his comfy perch in the living room....not to be heard from again...until this morning at 4:30....

and that's my ollie story.... love him... so so much....but holy bjesus....why then...why couldn't he do that when ben stiller was on stage...or during a commercial.... any other time would have been just fine...and probably gone unnoticed.... ha....here's to cat humor.... i think he totally got me on that one....

spirit guide....

sage brushing.... clearing away unwanted energies...the scent rises....intoxicating... i drift away... casting its magical spell.... medicine woman....gently smudges....frankincense and rose oil... crossing....one over the other...onto my skin..... whispering....find the light...the white light....inside your heart....let it expand... feel the light grow within you... let it surround you...as a light of violet..begins to flicker....low in the spine...rising up...one vertebrae at a time... feel it...see it...making its way.....above you...a misty halo of violet.....hovering overhead..... feathers of brown...black and white....woven together........sweeping sage smoke...all around.... sending away....the darkness.....welcoming in a new day....