yesterday... the words

hit me like a ton of bricks.... "you disappointment me...." my son begins to tell me... what a failure i am... what a disappointment i am... how i have never done anything with my life....!!! he gathered his things...and stormed out of our house.... pleading with him to talk to me.... no no he said...i can't...i love you...but...repeating the same words....you are such a disappointment.....his obvious disgust for me as his mother...was much to great.... he couldn't look at me... he couldn't be in the same room with me for another second...

something snapped...inside...something that has been brewing for months... i could see it in his eyes.... i could feel it in his heart.... my intuition once again...was right on...

leighton stayed with me....all through the day... he did his best to explain what his brother was trying to say... at one point he too became rather angry with me... yelling and screaming...don't you understand...what you are doing...don't you get it... god mom... listen to me...!!!

taylor's words...hurt...but more than that... they woke me up... not until the super bowl was over... and leighton had gone to hang with his friends...did the tears comes.... the crying.... the realization...that the choices i've made...have had an impact on my sons.... have hurt my sons... it's not that taylor doesn't love me.... he does... i know he does...

all my life...i have never felt i mattered to anyone... well except my father...who is no longer here... and sometimes i think if he were...i would never be in this place... i could never ever let him down.... instead...i have let down the two most important people in my life....my SONS.... the two people... i wake up each day for...the two people i love more than life itself...

i don't think i will ever forget what taylor said yesterday....i don't think i will ever forget the look in his eyes...the hurt in his heart... the disgust... he felt.... i can't describe... how his words pierced my heart... how deeply it hurt.... god it felt awful.... part of me...fell right back into the victim role...feeling sorry for myself... but leighton wouldn't have that... he wasn't going to let me martyr out of this one....

it's not gonna be easy.... to change... to regain the things i've lost...to get my life back on track... but if there is one thing i can't live with...it's the thought...the knowing...i have let my sons down.... sure i can sit there and say i've done this...or i've done that...what about when... however... none of that really matters at this point... what matters...is what i'm going to do from this day forward.... i could keep up this poor poor me thing...this no one gives a shit about me thing... or i can get my ass out of this bed....and do what it is i need to do to get out of this mess....

god knows...hearing my son say this to me... felt like the darkest night... had just saturated the core of my being.... that i have become a failure in his eyes... i have not only let myself down....but i have let my sons down... they can't stand seeing me live this way... it's breaking their hearts... i have done the one thing....i never ever wanted to do... i have let my sons down... i have hurt them...

sometimes.... the last thing we want to hear....is the best thing we can hear.... sometimes it takes a bolt of lightening... striking....thunder roaring...to wake us up...to see the truth of the world we've created... i never doubted my sons love for me... only love for myself....

so today...i give thanks for my sons strength... i give thanks for his words... his love... and i vow....on this day...to change my life... to find self love...to make my sons proud of me again....and to clean up this stinking mess i've made....