it is a long ryde...home!!! discovering so many things over the past year... strength...endurance... truth... how to be alone... i mean really alone... love of self... how to say NO... and mean it... knowing when to walk away... remembering...mom really does know best!!!

mom really does know best... somehow they feel it...see it...know it before it ever happens... warning signs go up... i heard the words... but did not listen ... mistake #1... recently having an experience...of betrayal and hurt... i have heard my mothers words repeated over and over in my head... she warned me...so many times... it makes me wonder how many other times...she knew and i didn't listen...

the same above situation... told me when to walk away... cut your losses... stand up... smile and say good bye... with as much grace and dignity as possible... walking away... just because... is one thing... but quite another when when faced with an important life decision... i've heard that just before you die... your life flashes before you... well when faced with a real life decision...the same sort of thing occurs... almost every moment of that relationship flashes before you and with great wisdom...or divine interaction...comes a definite summation... several months maybe years of your life.... are summed up in two words... "walk away"... and with this comes some magical... powerful... feeling of greatness... for just a moment... strength engulfs you... of course later you break completely down... and cry your fucking eyes out for hours...!!!

learning how to say NO... is a tough one... you know the guys on the street corners with their signs..."will work for food" i'm a sucker for that... okay... i can't help myself... the only way i don't give them a buck or so...is to look away or like i'm doing something in my car... pretending they are invisible... OH MY .... there are still door to door vacuum salesmen... one just stopped by my house... he was good.... but not good enough...NO sorry...not buying it!!! okay i know that's weak...but there are other things...with some significance... No i won't be treated like that... or No you will not speak to me like that... oh now those are big...ha! i just know NO is a good thing...

here we are at "love of self" ... some may disagree with this... however in my defense... i am more happy with myself than i have ever been in my life... i like the way i look... i love the way i can go anywhere and do anything... with me... i even dress up for me... i know i don't have a lot... and my life is so not secure... but it is... at the same time... while some wish to sit on a porch and watch the days go by... without a worry in the world... i find this happiness in the life i have... there is nothing at all secure about my life... which can be somewhat scary... but... i love that i can weld... plant beautiful gardens... build things...sew things... i can dress up and feel beautiful...or throw on some baggy work clothes... i love that it's more than okay to be me.... however...in all honesty..that's being challenged right now...way bruised ego... i won't go there..but it's definitely... blurple...(purple and blue)

with "love of self" comes my favorite..."how to be alone" someone should have warned me about this one... i have it figured out now... i like it...but damn...getting here was a messed up ryde... i loved more than anything...being a MOM... last august when my baby moved away... my life changed at that very moment... i knew it was coming... but i had no idea... how hard and fast it was coming... solution to this being alone.... i became a regular at a local bar... nice!!! always home by 10 or 11... the people there became my night family... only seeing them in the bar... chatting away about all sorts of things.. ed.. and his knowledge... he really intrigues me... it's always some science thing...or book... then there are the guys...who agree with everything...you say... hell they even finish your sentences for you... the bartenders...depending on the night and who is tending bar... the three conversation choices are... sex... baseball... toys... if anyone reading this goes to the same bar...you will know which is which... occasionally there will be a drop in...oh and if you want some "funny" Lance is always full of some crazy story... or life adventure... he's sharing with everyone...only to find out later... he didn't remember telling the story... by nights end... i have had my dose of family...and home i go... i suppose adopting a bar family isn't really being alone... is it... life alone becomes this sort of habit... like it would be nice to have someone... but where would he sleep... i know i have a king size bed... i do... but it's my bed... before i became an empty nest mom...i was all about getting hooked up... for some reason... i'm just not feelin it... i think i suffer from some sort of male A.D.D. these days anyway... rub on me one more minute and i'm gonna kick your ass... i'm kidding.. but really get on with it... see this is what happens when you get all cozy with being alone...

did someone say...strength...endurance and truth... this will be short and sweet... hearing the truth takes strength...living the truth takes endurance... one thing i have been handed in this life...is some strength... the higher power... bestowed upon me... strength...thank you!!!