i abandoned this blog... having no desire to write or share my experiences...!! perhaps it was i just couldn't find a way to articulate my thoughts... there were a few outside influences that kept me away.... but nothing worth mentioning... it is...l believe passion... guides me... it is within my heart an empty space...the void of life preventing me from wanting... anything really...
losing myself in a black hole... swimming around trying to find a way out...!! i suppose life has it's own ideas for me... a destiny not yet discovered... for many years i knew my path...it was teaching and being a mother... i know longer teach...and honestly can't imagine myself back in a classroom... often i hear..that's where i should be...or what i should do... but for me...i no longer feel the passion i once did for teaching... i know longer feel i have what it takes to teach....believing with all my heart...."the day i stop learning is the day i stop teaching" sometimes i miss it... i miss the interaction with the students.... the look on their faces when they experience success or complete understanding... oh and that smile...when they have created a masterpiece... what a glorious magical moment it was each and every time... the one thing i can say about teaching...is i never ever had one of those days..dreading my work...!!! i loved it... and always will... hold close to my heart the years i spent making a difference...with so many students... and hopefully the difference i made lies on the side of good..more than the other...
it's been two years since i've graced the halls of the school i spent 10 years in... and to my great delight...still to this day...at least once a week...i hear someone say..."miz oshel"... a smile stretches across my face...while my heart warms a golden glow.... i suppose we all have those moments... being remembered... "you were my teacher...do you remember me?" sometimes i do...but sadly sometimes i don't... recently...i spent a few hours talking to one of my former photo students... i do remember...emily a pretty girl...tall and blond with big blue eyes....very quiet... her quiet days are long since past...she has found her voice...as a mother...a wife...and a beautiful spirit... it brings me great pleasure rejoicing in her success and happiness...!! fortunately for me...she has fond memories...of my class... as i hope many do...!!!
as the new school year begins...i feel a longing...missing the hustle bustle of getting back in the school routine....not only for myself but my sons as well... the daily grind... of bells ringing...be here now...be there now...time for lunch... funny how it still feels like i should be back on the bus... doing what i do so well...making copies... preparing my first day of school speech... which i had down to a fine art... !! but it is... i am here in my back yard... looking at my new fence... listening to the ac... roar...wondering what the hell it's doing on...in the first place....!! wishing...i was heading off to my work place... making a difference...doing what i love...wishing... and wishing...i had what it takes again...to do what i do... lost in this life...without any place to go... wishing...and wishing...for a new day... a better way...a life i want to live...!!!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
oreo.....
cookies.....are a good thing...after a long day... the sun has gone down... chillin in the AC... a glass of cold milk...and a bag of oreo cookies... is what i'm talkin about....!!! recipe...simple pleasures... large glass of extra cold milk...preferably organic... a bag of regular oreo cookies... one to three napkins...depending on how messy you are... a good movie...book or music... for enhancers... let the dipping begin.... those who enjoy oreo cookies... understand there are several ways to eat them... there are the: insert entire cookie in mouth folks, the twist apart...and lick the cream folks... the twist and dippers... the cookie soakers... etc.... !! if you have never had an oreo cookie...i recommend trying as many different eating methods to find the one you're most comfortable with... the nice thing about the oreo experience is....it can be done alone...or with friends...family even your pets...
really the oreo thing....was about my tan line..then somehow i went off on the cookie tangent..and well...lost sight of the real issue here... last friday... was the first friday art walk...and i wanted to wear this sexy....scarf dress... with a very low cut back... so... i got it all ready...took my shower... prepared my face... a little blusher...is all i wear in the summer... skin covered in a special kelley blend of essential oils... then..slipped on the dress... the front looked great... however... when i checked my back... not so pretty.... i had a very distinct...tan line right about my shoulder blades... my back faded into a creamy white shade...descending from my shoulder blades to the top of my extra small ace... resembling an oreo cookie... pretty funny... i tried a few things to hide it...like letting my hair down... which is now almost to the top of my ace crack... but it didn't hide it entirely...i also thought...oh what the hell...no one will notice... then..i decided... to wait... and wear it another day...
monday's...work..in the garden... provided me with the opportunity to bare my bikini top...and get the much needed sun on the bottom of my backside.... which is now... evened out...so you better watch out...i'm getting ready to sport...my sexy little scarf dress...with the extra low back... and i can't wait....!!!!
last time i wore this dress....two men tried buy it off of me...for their wives...one wouldn't stop...he even said it would look better on her.... well...fine...but NO... he actually began to piss me off a bit.... the thing is...the dress fits my skinny little body...perfectly....this woman he was referring to...was at least 5 sizes larger than me...if not 10.... i remember asking him... what would i wear home... i can't remember his response...but the thing she was wearing....no way would i ever...put on my body..... kind of an old lady..matching ensemble....capri pants with floral top....you know the look.... not pretty.....at any age...so NO...you keep your outfit...and i'll keep mine...thank you very much...!!!
off to make magic happen....
really the oreo thing....was about my tan line..then somehow i went off on the cookie tangent..and well...lost sight of the real issue here... last friday... was the first friday art walk...and i wanted to wear this sexy....scarf dress... with a very low cut back... so... i got it all ready...took my shower... prepared my face... a little blusher...is all i wear in the summer... skin covered in a special kelley blend of essential oils... then..slipped on the dress... the front looked great... however... when i checked my back... not so pretty.... i had a very distinct...tan line right about my shoulder blades... my back faded into a creamy white shade...descending from my shoulder blades to the top of my extra small ace... resembling an oreo cookie... pretty funny... i tried a few things to hide it...like letting my hair down... which is now almost to the top of my ace crack... but it didn't hide it entirely...i also thought...oh what the hell...no one will notice... then..i decided... to wait... and wear it another day...
monday's...work..in the garden... provided me with the opportunity to bare my bikini top...and get the much needed sun on the bottom of my backside.... which is now... evened out...so you better watch out...i'm getting ready to sport...my sexy little scarf dress...with the extra low back... and i can't wait....!!!!
last time i wore this dress....two men tried buy it off of me...for their wives...one wouldn't stop...he even said it would look better on her.... well...fine...but NO... he actually began to piss me off a bit.... the thing is...the dress fits my skinny little body...perfectly....this woman he was referring to...was at least 5 sizes larger than me...if not 10.... i remember asking him... what would i wear home... i can't remember his response...but the thing she was wearing....no way would i ever...put on my body..... kind of an old lady..matching ensemble....capri pants with floral top....you know the look.... not pretty.....at any age...so NO...you keep your outfit...and i'll keep mine...thank you very much...!!!
off to make magic happen....
Thursday, May 28, 2009
this morning....
when i finally fell asleep somewhere between 4 and 4:30 am....i had a dream... that turned into a nightmare.... what began as being at a party among many friends ended up...being somewhere in a city unfamiliar having a bite to eat with mikeC... i leaned toward him as i often do and became covered with half inch long thin like stickers in my face and arms... i looked at him...noticing he was covered with them as well... as i began pulling the stickers from my arms and face...i was suddenly pulling long slivers of wood from my arms, stomach, thighs and back that were piercing through my skin... leaving bloody patches all over my body... i went to my house....to get help and to report the person who had done this to me...a guy i had attended college with many years ago... was trying to hurt me... he came to the house under the pretense of looking for me..... when i told my family and friend it's him... he took off in his car...my family said they got his tag number....and called the police..... then... i ran into mikeC again... i was covered with the wounds...he looked at me...asking if i knew where my sister was...he wanted to show her the new phone he was getting...that was not yet available to the public...he had signed up for the phone... i looked at him...wondering why he didn't hug me...or see my bloody body... he just showed me the brochure for the new phone.. then slowly walked away....!!!
there was more to this dream...but it's all somewhat sketchy ...like finding my purse in a pile of lost and found stuff... wondering how it got there...checking inside to see if all the contents were still inside...... happy to see it was...
i awoke.... sitting up... wondering what that was all about...it is still with me...and i'm not quite sure...what it means... i've never been physically hurt in a dream...chased yes...but not bloodied... i find it amusing when people i know are actually in my dreams... this has been an increasing theme lately... some say everyone in our dreams represents a part of us...then there is warning aspects as to people... among a few....as i have done a great deal of dream research...and sought out meanings in order to understand... this one....however has me a little confused... thus the research begins...
there was more to this dream...but it's all somewhat sketchy ...like finding my purse in a pile of lost and found stuff... wondering how it got there...checking inside to see if all the contents were still inside...... happy to see it was...
i awoke.... sitting up... wondering what that was all about...it is still with me...and i'm not quite sure...what it means... i've never been physically hurt in a dream...chased yes...but not bloodied... i find it amusing when people i know are actually in my dreams... this has been an increasing theme lately... some say everyone in our dreams represents a part of us...then there is warning aspects as to people... among a few....as i have done a great deal of dream research...and sought out meanings in order to understand... this one....however has me a little confused... thus the research begins...
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
i'm sitting outside...
in my backyard...listening to an old "indigo girls" cd...i think it was one of their first...it feels as good today....as it did..15 years ago....when i heard it for the very first time... taking me back... in time... when life was so different for me...my sons...still in the single digits... 9 and 6.... we have long past the singles...on this day...leighton is 21.
i have thought about this day...for years and years.... it's his golden birthday... 21 on the 21st... his phone is blowing up...text messages....family phoning to wish him a happy day... i can't stop smiling...
last night... 11:50ish... taylor...jake (step brother)...kyle...leighton and i went to the cock o the walk...to shoot a game of pool and have a beer... leighton....would not enter until...it was straight up...midnight... he and jake waited outside...while taylor and kyle...grabbed couple of beers and a pool table... that was the longest 10 or so minutes... i kid you not...when the clock struck 12...in we went...he marched right up to the bar..ordered his brew...the bartender didn't say anything...so i said..."ask him for his ID" he did...leighton pulled it from his wallet...passing it over to cory.... cory...looked at it...then turned to look at the clock... looked back at leighton...with a your good grin...on his face... the boys played a few rounds of pool....drank their beer... i thanked cory..telling him this night had been planned for a year..and he was great... we had so much fun....luckily it was short and sweet... saving the big blowout..for tonight... which i'm not usually invited to...it's the young guy thing...and of course having mom around just isn't really their idea of a good time... his brothers have the whole evening planned out....from start to finish... sounds like fun if your 21....not 51....
happy birthday leighton... you have...been the light of my life for 21 years... how blessed am i to know you....to have such a wonderful son... to be able to look at you...and smile with pride... love...and happiness.. you are my beautiful child... thank you for every second...you have been a part of my world... always...my love to you...
Saturday, May 9, 2009
the time...has
slipped by... life has happened in so many ways since my last blog entry... i can't believe it's been so long... suppose i haven't had much to say!!!
recently...the notion...idea... belief..whatever one wants to call it... that life has "no meaning" has been an almost daily topic of conversation in my life... it is most perplexing that one chooses to live this way... however with this thought...belief... there is no accountability... no love... nothing... just existence... everything is disposable... because...nothing has any meaning...
personally i find this a most selfish belief... it is disturbing on so many levels...and no matter how defiant...and bent this believer is...on life having no meaning... he will never convince me... that this is true...
so...my thoughts on life... for what it's worth...
in a way...i can understand mikeC's belief... if i chose to live my life the way mikeC has...
but...i have not...and my life means something to me... to my sons...my family...my friends... with the exception of mikeC... of course...however i don't know if he could consider anyone a friend... because with friendship is love...and meaning...yes? i'm so confused...
i have listened to mikeC's argument over and over again and it just doesn't have any relevance...nor does it have anything but scientific facts... mostly about the beginning explosion and the end explosion...so one day the earth explodes...no more humans...so nothing matters... simple right...however it's not that simple.... not for me anyway...
i have had a completely different life... i have had a life filled with love...compassion...passion... empathy and sympathy...laughter... family and friends...i have been a teacher... and the student... i have had two sons whose very lives...depended on me for many years... i just can't find "NO MEANING" in all of this...
10 years ago... my father became ill... he suffered from an aortic aneurysm... cancer.. among several other serious life threatening diseases... during the 11 months....beginning in june of 1999 until may 17th of 2000... i watched my father fight and fight...for his life... after 4 or 5 surgeries... two stints... gall bladder removal... then they found cancer and removed the lymph nodes and gall bladder stem to prevent spreading....at which time he went into respiratory failure and was in ICU for several days.....a few months later he had surgery done on the aneurysm which caused him to have a stroke paralyzing his right side... after 3 or 4 months of recovery...my father returned to work...and to the golf course...he had to learn how to walk...talk...eat... and write again.... then in february of 2000...my father received a clean bill of health... we were going to enjoy many more years...with him...
in the middle of april 2000.... my father's belly bloated and he was rushed to the hospital... to find that he had a rare form of stomach cancer...causing lesions on his stomach lining.... in a matter of 3 weeks...my father went from 175 lbs to skin and bones.... on saturday...may 6th at 3:30 in the afternoon..by younger brother kip...called me crying... "you better get here now ...they don't think dad will make it through the night!!" i was on a plane by 5 that evening heading for san antonio.... my brothers picked me up at the airport and took me directly to the hospital...where my mother i stayed by my father's side through the night.. the next day... was my son taylor's 15th birthday... and the day that we all learned...there was nothing they could do...!!! i heard my father laugh...and make jokes that day...he wasn't ready to die... he said..."but i still have things to do" ...all i could think of...was how he never got his canary yellow mercedes...
10 days later... while standing in my classroom...my phone rings... it's my brother.. "he's gone" i will never forget that moment as long as i live... my knees collapsed beneath me...as i fell to the floor....holding the phone to my ear... saying "no...god no.... " two of my students... lifted me to my feet.... i felt the flush of life exit my body... my dad..was gone... there was no bringing him back...there was no earth exploding...there was only a wonderful loving father... husband... man...lying breathless...on his bed...surrounded by his family....
did this man serve no purpose...did his life have no meaning... ? how can anyone say that.. how can anyone take that away from me...from my family...from him....? so what gives my father's life meaning...? he lived a good life....he brought joy to so many... he believed in all 4 of his children.. he never let us down... i can't remember going without food...or no roof over our heads... my father gave a great deal to all of us... my father's life had meaning....to me...to my brother's and sister...and all of his grandchildren...to my mother...his sisters.... it still does in fact have meaning...he gave us all something to carry on for generations and generations to come...
it is impossible for me to believe...life has no meaning... when it has had so much meaning... and whether i'm here tomorrow or not...or the earth explodes or not...i still lived...i still did what i was here to do...i still was a mother...a daughter...a sister... a friend...a teacher... and all the lives i have touched...and all the lives that have touched mine...has given it more meaning that i could ever ever ask for...
i suppose...it is a choice...to live a meaningful life... to love and to be loved... it is..that i am willing to do what i can to love and to give and to make the most of this short time on this earth... i just don't see that the earth exploding someday negates the fact that i lived...i loved... and i laughed.... with meaning....!!!
recently...the notion...idea... belief..whatever one wants to call it... that life has "no meaning" has been an almost daily topic of conversation in my life... it is most perplexing that one chooses to live this way... however with this thought...belief... there is no accountability... no love... nothing... just existence... everything is disposable... because...nothing has any meaning...
personally i find this a most selfish belief... it is disturbing on so many levels...and no matter how defiant...and bent this believer is...on life having no meaning... he will never convince me... that this is true...
so...my thoughts on life... for what it's worth...
in a way...i can understand mikeC's belief... if i chose to live my life the way mikeC has...
but...i have not...and my life means something to me... to my sons...my family...my friends... with the exception of mikeC... of course...however i don't know if he could consider anyone a friend... because with friendship is love...and meaning...yes? i'm so confused...
i have listened to mikeC's argument over and over again and it just doesn't have any relevance...nor does it have anything but scientific facts... mostly about the beginning explosion and the end explosion...so one day the earth explodes...no more humans...so nothing matters... simple right...however it's not that simple.... not for me anyway...
i have had a completely different life... i have had a life filled with love...compassion...passion... empathy and sympathy...laughter... family and friends...i have been a teacher... and the student... i have had two sons whose very lives...depended on me for many years... i just can't find "NO MEANING" in all of this...
10 years ago... my father became ill... he suffered from an aortic aneurysm... cancer.. among several other serious life threatening diseases... during the 11 months....beginning in june of 1999 until may 17th of 2000... i watched my father fight and fight...for his life... after 4 or 5 surgeries... two stints... gall bladder removal... then they found cancer and removed the lymph nodes and gall bladder stem to prevent spreading....at which time he went into respiratory failure and was in ICU for several days.....a few months later he had surgery done on the aneurysm which caused him to have a stroke paralyzing his right side... after 3 or 4 months of recovery...my father returned to work...and to the golf course...he had to learn how to walk...talk...eat... and write again.... then in february of 2000...my father received a clean bill of health... we were going to enjoy many more years...with him...
in the middle of april 2000.... my father's belly bloated and he was rushed to the hospital... to find that he had a rare form of stomach cancer...causing lesions on his stomach lining.... in a matter of 3 weeks...my father went from 175 lbs to skin and bones.... on saturday...may 6th at 3:30 in the afternoon..by younger brother kip...called me crying... "you better get here now ...they don't think dad will make it through the night!!" i was on a plane by 5 that evening heading for san antonio.... my brothers picked me up at the airport and took me directly to the hospital...where my mother i stayed by my father's side through the night.. the next day... was my son taylor's 15th birthday... and the day that we all learned...there was nothing they could do...!!! i heard my father laugh...and make jokes that day...he wasn't ready to die... he said..."but i still have things to do" ...all i could think of...was how he never got his canary yellow mercedes...
10 days later... while standing in my classroom...my phone rings... it's my brother.. "he's gone" i will never forget that moment as long as i live... my knees collapsed beneath me...as i fell to the floor....holding the phone to my ear... saying "no...god no.... " two of my students... lifted me to my feet.... i felt the flush of life exit my body... my dad..was gone... there was no bringing him back...there was no earth exploding...there was only a wonderful loving father... husband... man...lying breathless...on his bed...surrounded by his family....
did this man serve no purpose...did his life have no meaning... ? how can anyone say that.. how can anyone take that away from me...from my family...from him....? so what gives my father's life meaning...? he lived a good life....he brought joy to so many... he believed in all 4 of his children.. he never let us down... i can't remember going without food...or no roof over our heads... my father gave a great deal to all of us... my father's life had meaning....to me...to my brother's and sister...and all of his grandchildren...to my mother...his sisters.... it still does in fact have meaning...he gave us all something to carry on for generations and generations to come...
it is impossible for me to believe...life has no meaning... when it has had so much meaning... and whether i'm here tomorrow or not...or the earth explodes or not...i still lived...i still did what i was here to do...i still was a mother...a daughter...a sister... a friend...a teacher... and all the lives i have touched...and all the lives that have touched mine...has given it more meaning that i could ever ever ask for...
i suppose...it is a choice...to live a meaningful life... to love and to be loved... it is..that i am willing to do what i can to love and to give and to make the most of this short time on this earth... i just don't see that the earth exploding someday negates the fact that i lived...i loved... and i laughed.... with meaning....!!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
outdoor attitude...
adjustment...!!!
spending the day outdoors....playing in the gardens....raking and digging cool moist dirt... clearing and cleaning... planting...bulbs of canna's....gladiola's... clematis... the hosta still sealed in the green plastic bag... gardens of spring...changing day to day.... the tulips and daffodils fade away...while the peonies...and iris... begin to bud... hints of purple and magenta lie within the thick green petals.... waiting...with anticipation... for the ideal combination....of sunshine...rainshine... into intoxicating color... droplets of water... glisten in the early morning sun... color...bursting....with such majestic glory.... the dance of spring..... a silent melody... carefully composed.... in perfect harmony....
as the rain falls.... today...the sun shines tomorrow...another flower blooms.... a smile in my heart....a labor of love..... a day outdoors... awakens me... !!!!
spending the day outdoors....playing in the gardens....raking and digging cool moist dirt... clearing and cleaning... planting...bulbs of canna's....gladiola's... clematis... the hosta still sealed in the green plastic bag... gardens of spring...changing day to day.... the tulips and daffodils fade away...while the peonies...and iris... begin to bud... hints of purple and magenta lie within the thick green petals.... waiting...with anticipation... for the ideal combination....of sunshine...rainshine... into intoxicating color... droplets of water... glisten in the early morning sun... color...bursting....with such majestic glory.... the dance of spring..... a silent melody... carefully composed.... in perfect harmony....
as the rain falls.... today...the sun shines tomorrow...another flower blooms.... a smile in my heart....a labor of love..... a day outdoors... awakens me... !!!!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
wednesday.....
april 15th...2009
this morning began...a little out of the ordinary...
my bedroom was dark.... and complete silence...engulfed the room... clean linens... the sun beginning to illuminate the early morning darkness... laying in my bed... 7 or 8...extra cozy pillows.... my trusty alarm clock... a lighted bright bluish green ....6:32... makes me smile... first thought was...i slept in... i slept past 5... everything seemed so different... like waking up in a whole new city... usually the television is still on...along with some other small lighted object...but not today... no lights...no sound...no one but me....
happy...there is enough time to check my email...do the normal morning things... kind of my daily ritual...which changes from time to time... i get bored with doing the same thing over and over again...
i like noise...but last night...for some reason i just didn't want any noise... so off went the television...and the lights... have you ever noticed how lights make noise.....? i always feel like if a light is on...there is something noisy about it.... like i'm not alone...
my laptop...was having minor difficulties....and me being the computer wiz i'm not...i decided to try and correct it myself....HUGE MISTAKE...
i did get through all the normal online reads... before completely screwing the thing up.... then got ready for the day... i suppose...i should have known this would be a day...i will always remember... i should have known... the tingle in my gut...kept getting stronger...almost unbearable....unless you've felt this tingle of knowing...you can't imagine what it's like... the only way to describe it is.... like having really pissed off butterflies.... and the entire time....looking over your shoulder to see what's coming your way.... however... it's not always so easy to see...
around noon....a friend took me to the Oklahoma City Animal Shelter... aka pound... the facility itself is pretty nice...anaseptic...the cats...have nice big rooms... with different cat things to keep them happy... large picture windows...surround each space... a cats dream house... right... well... after passing this lovely cat facility...there is a hall...leading to the dogs....not so nice...area.... not having any idea what i was about to see...never ever being there before... my heart...sank... row after row...of kennels... maybe 3X5 or 6 feet... the dogs... were caged up... some seem to not care...others were barking away... then there were the dogs... who could barely move...
after touring the medium size dog space...we went into the room that housed the large dogs... we walked up and down each isle...making sure we saw each dog... not leaving a single one out... then on the last isle... i saw... something... i could have gone my entire life without seeing.... a white with reddish brown spots...pit bull....covered in what looked like red dirt.... scars and open wounds... his body...convulsing every few seconds... i'm just not cut out for this...sort of stuff... how can...could anyone treat an animal...in such a way...how??? at that very moment... i realized there was no way i could have walked through there alone....gratitude towards my friend swept through me... it was just too much.... tears...flooded my eyes...my cheeks drench with sadness... it was just too much.... my friend...gently placed his hand on my shoulder... comforting me... letting me know... he too cares.... he is there...
at about half past noon we were heading back to the hood.... discussing lunch...when i decided... i wanted to go home...eat some leftover chinese and see if i could shake the pissed off butterflies... and fix my laptop... thanks to the help of a computer wiz friend... his suggestion worked...and i was back in action... only to find out.... a very dear high school friend had passed away saturday... and his service was this morning.... a former classmate sent out a mass email letting us know about Pauls passing....
time...reversed..in my head...and suddenly i was in Paul's faded blue el camino... we were smoking cigarettes...and laughing.... talking about this and that... but mostly just being cool... oh the days.... when everything seemed... like nothing mattered at all.... we were...ready to tackle the world...graduating in a few weeks.... skipping school... excited...soon we would be free forever....
this afternoon....i wanted to do drive straight to northwest classen high school....sit on the front curb...look out over the parking lot...and remember...the kids...the laughter...the cars.... the freedom.... it's funny how losing someone... who you don't know at all now...but at one time... you couldn't imagine life without them...sparks so many thoughts...so many memories...so much sadness.... how... life is... with or without us...
this morning began...a little out of the ordinary...
my bedroom was dark.... and complete silence...engulfed the room... clean linens... the sun beginning to illuminate the early morning darkness... laying in my bed... 7 or 8...extra cozy pillows.... my trusty alarm clock... a lighted bright bluish green ....6:32... makes me smile... first thought was...i slept in... i slept past 5... everything seemed so different... like waking up in a whole new city... usually the television is still on...along with some other small lighted object...but not today... no lights...no sound...no one but me....
happy...there is enough time to check my email...do the normal morning things... kind of my daily ritual...which changes from time to time... i get bored with doing the same thing over and over again...
i like noise...but last night...for some reason i just didn't want any noise... so off went the television...and the lights... have you ever noticed how lights make noise.....? i always feel like if a light is on...there is something noisy about it.... like i'm not alone...
my laptop...was having minor difficulties....and me being the computer wiz i'm not...i decided to try and correct it myself....HUGE MISTAKE...
i did get through all the normal online reads... before completely screwing the thing up.... then got ready for the day... i suppose...i should have known this would be a day...i will always remember... i should have known... the tingle in my gut...kept getting stronger...almost unbearable....unless you've felt this tingle of knowing...you can't imagine what it's like... the only way to describe it is.... like having really pissed off butterflies.... and the entire time....looking over your shoulder to see what's coming your way.... however... it's not always so easy to see...
around noon....a friend took me to the Oklahoma City Animal Shelter... aka pound... the facility itself is pretty nice...anaseptic...the cats...have nice big rooms... with different cat things to keep them happy... large picture windows...surround each space... a cats dream house... right... well... after passing this lovely cat facility...there is a hall...leading to the dogs....not so nice...area.... not having any idea what i was about to see...never ever being there before... my heart...sank... row after row...of kennels... maybe 3X5 or 6 feet... the dogs... were caged up... some seem to not care...others were barking away... then there were the dogs... who could barely move...
after touring the medium size dog space...we went into the room that housed the large dogs... we walked up and down each isle...making sure we saw each dog... not leaving a single one out... then on the last isle... i saw... something... i could have gone my entire life without seeing.... a white with reddish brown spots...pit bull....covered in what looked like red dirt.... scars and open wounds... his body...convulsing every few seconds... i'm just not cut out for this...sort of stuff... how can...could anyone treat an animal...in such a way...how??? at that very moment... i realized there was no way i could have walked through there alone....gratitude towards my friend swept through me... it was just too much.... tears...flooded my eyes...my cheeks drench with sadness... it was just too much.... my friend...gently placed his hand on my shoulder... comforting me... letting me know... he too cares.... he is there...
at about half past noon we were heading back to the hood.... discussing lunch...when i decided... i wanted to go home...eat some leftover chinese and see if i could shake the pissed off butterflies... and fix my laptop... thanks to the help of a computer wiz friend... his suggestion worked...and i was back in action... only to find out.... a very dear high school friend had passed away saturday... and his service was this morning.... a former classmate sent out a mass email letting us know about Pauls passing....
time...reversed..in my head...and suddenly i was in Paul's faded blue el camino... we were smoking cigarettes...and laughing.... talking about this and that... but mostly just being cool... oh the days.... when everything seemed... like nothing mattered at all.... we were...ready to tackle the world...graduating in a few weeks.... skipping school... excited...soon we would be free forever....
this afternoon....i wanted to do drive straight to northwest classen high school....sit on the front curb...look out over the parking lot...and remember...the kids...the laughter...the cars.... the freedom.... it's funny how losing someone... who you don't know at all now...but at one time... you couldn't imagine life without them...sparks so many thoughts...so many memories...so much sadness.... how... life is... with or without us...
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
this week...
has flown by...again!!!
my focus this week has been on mikeC's house.... the master bedroom is almost complete... as he has mentioned on his blog..he's actually sleeping in his bed...and seems to be enjoying it...!!! i must admit this makes me smile...with much happiness!!!
this has been a challenging project... challenging in the way of organization and sensitivity.... fortunately...i planned out how to approach the project...while he is still living in his house... beginning in the back of the house then moving forward... cleaning...clearing...organizing...boxing... throwing away... giving away.... etc...
my son and i cleaned the dining room....it took a couple of days... mike working with us... so we didn't accidentally throw something away that might be of importance... this has been the trickiest part of the project... early on... learning...NOT to throw away anything without running it by mike first... some things are obvious...others not so much...
yesterday...was so so fun for me... in his dining room stands a china cabinet...matching his dining room table and chairs... inside...filled with junk...or so it appeared...covered in dust... and more dust...mixed with layers of cat hair...so... i began removing all the things inside the cabinet...and cleaned it... this is where it got fun.. inside that cabinet...was an amazing assortment of trinkets...representing mikeC's life...his ancestors... incredible... so being the girly girl i am... i cleaned each thing...and carefully arranged all his wonderful treasures..for viewing... there is a violin..his grandfather hand crafted...the bow..the case...there are several hand painted china plates... a vase...pitcher... sugar bowl and creamer...all painted by his mother and grandmother... signed and dated...i found 3 framed floral needle points ... done by his mother... a box of photos dating back to WWI... hand turned wooden bowls... his grandmother collected... election buttons... dating back to cleveland...harding... fdr...teddy... i felt like a kid in a candy store... there were a half dozen framed photographs... the cabinet is a museum of mike's life... this may sound silly... the bedroom was labor intensive...and took a long time to get done... but i felt such a sense of accomplishment... over his china cabinet... i LOVE the china cabinet...!!!
i then began to clear out all the boxes and things i had already prepared in the back room which now needed to be moved in order to begin the re-do...he has boxes and boxes of books... a box full of albums... boxes and boxes of art supplies... an artist dream... trust me...i got wet just going through his art supplies... in this way...mike and i are quite similar... lots and lots of art supplies...!!!
today...the re-do on the back room begins... transforming it from 1980's pink with floral valances.... mauve mini blinds... scraping the ceiling... remove the pink crown molding... and begin to create a magical space for mike... a space...with a big..comfy chair.... shelves filled with his collection of books... new updated window treatments.... freshly painted walls and ceiling...new molding... oh...it will be spectacular...!!!
there is this feeling that comes with accomplishment.... not pride...not success...but something much greater.... it's indescribable...really ... while i'm in the middle of the project...i'm a part of it...it exists within me...and i within it... when it is complete... and i step away...it no longer is a part of me.... it is now... standing on it's own....when i look upon my creation... i'm always...always amazed...at the end result...wondering... where did that come from...it's almost like i had nothing at all to do with it...
my greatest hope is....when i am complete... that mikeC... loves what i have done for him... that when he opens his front door...and sees his home...he loves it... he absolutely loves it...!!!
my focus this week has been on mikeC's house.... the master bedroom is almost complete... as he has mentioned on his blog..he's actually sleeping in his bed...and seems to be enjoying it...!!! i must admit this makes me smile...with much happiness!!!
this has been a challenging project... challenging in the way of organization and sensitivity.... fortunately...i planned out how to approach the project...while he is still living in his house... beginning in the back of the house then moving forward... cleaning...clearing...organizing...boxing... throwing away... giving away.... etc...
my son and i cleaned the dining room....it took a couple of days... mike working with us... so we didn't accidentally throw something away that might be of importance... this has been the trickiest part of the project... early on... learning...NOT to throw away anything without running it by mike first... some things are obvious...others not so much...
yesterday...was so so fun for me... in his dining room stands a china cabinet...matching his dining room table and chairs... inside...filled with junk...or so it appeared...covered in dust... and more dust...mixed with layers of cat hair...so... i began removing all the things inside the cabinet...and cleaned it... this is where it got fun.. inside that cabinet...was an amazing assortment of trinkets...representing mikeC's life...his ancestors... incredible... so being the girly girl i am... i cleaned each thing...and carefully arranged all his wonderful treasures..for viewing... there is a violin..his grandfather hand crafted...the bow..the case...there are several hand painted china plates... a vase...pitcher... sugar bowl and creamer...all painted by his mother and grandmother... signed and dated...i found 3 framed floral needle points ... done by his mother... a box of photos dating back to WWI... hand turned wooden bowls... his grandmother collected... election buttons... dating back to cleveland...harding... fdr...teddy... i felt like a kid in a candy store... there were a half dozen framed photographs... the cabinet is a museum of mike's life... this may sound silly... the bedroom was labor intensive...and took a long time to get done... but i felt such a sense of accomplishment... over his china cabinet... i LOVE the china cabinet...!!!
i then began to clear out all the boxes and things i had already prepared in the back room which now needed to be moved in order to begin the re-do...he has boxes and boxes of books... a box full of albums... boxes and boxes of art supplies... an artist dream... trust me...i got wet just going through his art supplies... in this way...mike and i are quite similar... lots and lots of art supplies...!!!
today...the re-do on the back room begins... transforming it from 1980's pink with floral valances.... mauve mini blinds... scraping the ceiling... remove the pink crown molding... and begin to create a magical space for mike... a space...with a big..comfy chair.... shelves filled with his collection of books... new updated window treatments.... freshly painted walls and ceiling...new molding... oh...it will be spectacular...!!!
there is this feeling that comes with accomplishment.... not pride...not success...but something much greater.... it's indescribable...really ... while i'm in the middle of the project...i'm a part of it...it exists within me...and i within it... when it is complete... and i step away...it no longer is a part of me.... it is now... standing on it's own....when i look upon my creation... i'm always...always amazed...at the end result...wondering... where did that come from...it's almost like i had nothing at all to do with it...
my greatest hope is....when i am complete... that mikeC... loves what i have done for him... that when he opens his front door...and sees his home...he loves it... he absolutely loves it...!!!
Friday, April 3, 2009
sanity...insanity....
drama...craziness... what is the meter that measures... sanity... drama...and craziness....? is it our level of tolerance.... is it childhood memories...haunting us....is it.... ego...or lack there of...is it understanding....or standing in judgment...is it what we decide...what we choose to accept as normal....?
perhaps it is...we don't know any better.... we grow up... in a society....dictating right from wrong... as a woman...it is our duty from birth...to serve... it is written in the letters to Corinth's from Paul... how women are to behave in society...what is and is not acceptable....Woman is to Man as Man is to God....
Corinthians 11
3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Corinthians 14
as a young married woman..... my father who long ago denied the church... still believed that a woman's job was to serve her husband.... one evening...during a family dinner... i prepared my plate of food....and sat down...when my mother came to me... explaining that my dad was very upset... that i had not prepared my husbands plate first then mine...
upon hearing this...not only was i shocked...but really pissed off... why should i wait on him... i work just as hard...i take care of the home... i cook all the meals...clean the home...do the laundry.... take care of all household finances....and i'm expected to prepare his plate of food before my own....
most women...would probably rather not admit this....that we are subservient...that we are to take care of our men...and everything else at the same time...it's like men just get some free to life ticket...to do as they please...while women...are to be second to them....
today...it's not as prevalent...this subservience... however... it is still there...
just after buying my first home.... a salesman came to my door.....he began his pitch... then he paused...asking if my husband was home...i said there is no husband...immediately the man... said how sorry he was... and how i didn't qualify...because i was a single woman.... basically saying....you're only half a person since you don't have a man... this happened repeatedly... in public...on the phone...when shopping... it was a constant reminder...that because i am a woman...i am incomplete...without a man...
as little girls... we are told...fairy tale after fairy tale...of "happily ever after" i believed this shit... i believed that my prince...in white...would come and rescue me...and take me away... making me his princess... i would ride off...on his white stallion... in my beautiful white gown...
i remember... my brothers always getting special treatment...while my sister and i were expected to clean up after everyone... while they got new clothes and got to play sports...my sister and i wore hand-me-downs...and sat on the side lines...
things have changed...since the 50's and 60's.... as to what a woman is allowed to do... we now teach our daughters...they can do anything they want...they can be anything...they too can have and follow their dreams...we even goes and far as preparing them for all possibilities... however... underneath...all of this preparation...is.."when are you gonna settle down...find yourself a good man...have some children..."
if i've heard it once...i've heard it a million times..."women are crazy".... "women are insane" well... i wonder why...
as a teacher... i saw daily...how mothers coddle their sons... they treat them as though they are precious little angels...while not so with daughters.... rules are different for boys than for girls...all of which are socially acceptable....
it seems to me....that women are raised in our society...believing they are not enough without a man... there is this constant underlying message...that as a woman you must have a man in your life or... your just not good enough...something must be wrong with her... she's crazy...she's insane... but she works really hard...
i suppose the bottom line is....we all just want to be loved...we all just want to feel needed... and that we matter... but it's not always the case... sometimes....our innate desire.... social expectations..dictate...who we are...and what is expected of us...
perhaps it will always be a double standard....that men can do and live as they please....and women will always be crazy...insane...drama queens... why.... because...man says so...!!!!
perhaps it is...we don't know any better.... we grow up... in a society....dictating right from wrong... as a woman...it is our duty from birth...to serve... it is written in the letters to Corinth's from Paul... how women are to behave in society...what is and is not acceptable....Woman is to Man as Man is to God....
Corinthians 11
3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
| 7 | For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: Gen. 1.26 but the woman is the glory of the man. |
| 8 | For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. |
| 9 | Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. Gen. 2.18-23 |
| 34 | ¶ Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. |
| 35 | And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church. |
as a young married woman..... my father who long ago denied the church... still believed that a woman's job was to serve her husband.... one evening...during a family dinner... i prepared my plate of food....and sat down...when my mother came to me... explaining that my dad was very upset... that i had not prepared my husbands plate first then mine...
upon hearing this...not only was i shocked...but really pissed off... why should i wait on him... i work just as hard...i take care of the home... i cook all the meals...clean the home...do the laundry.... take care of all household finances....and i'm expected to prepare his plate of food before my own....
most women...would probably rather not admit this....that we are subservient...that we are to take care of our men...and everything else at the same time...it's like men just get some free to life ticket...to do as they please...while women...are to be second to them....
today...it's not as prevalent...this subservience... however... it is still there...
just after buying my first home.... a salesman came to my door.....he began his pitch... then he paused...asking if my husband was home...i said there is no husband...immediately the man... said how sorry he was... and how i didn't qualify...because i was a single woman.... basically saying....you're only half a person since you don't have a man... this happened repeatedly... in public...on the phone...when shopping... it was a constant reminder...that because i am a woman...i am incomplete...without a man...
as little girls... we are told...fairy tale after fairy tale...of "happily ever after" i believed this shit... i believed that my prince...in white...would come and rescue me...and take me away... making me his princess... i would ride off...on his white stallion... in my beautiful white gown...
i remember... my brothers always getting special treatment...while my sister and i were expected to clean up after everyone... while they got new clothes and got to play sports...my sister and i wore hand-me-downs...and sat on the side lines...
things have changed...since the 50's and 60's.... as to what a woman is allowed to do... we now teach our daughters...they can do anything they want...they can be anything...they too can have and follow their dreams...we even goes and far as preparing them for all possibilities... however... underneath...all of this preparation...is.."when are you gonna settle down...find yourself a good man...have some children..."
if i've heard it once...i've heard it a million times..."women are crazy".... "women are insane" well... i wonder why...
as a teacher... i saw daily...how mothers coddle their sons... they treat them as though they are precious little angels...while not so with daughters.... rules are different for boys than for girls...all of which are socially acceptable....
it seems to me....that women are raised in our society...believing they are not enough without a man... there is this constant underlying message...that as a woman you must have a man in your life or... your just not good enough...something must be wrong with her... she's crazy...she's insane... but she works really hard...
i suppose the bottom line is....we all just want to be loved...we all just want to feel needed... and that we matter... but it's not always the case... sometimes....our innate desire.... social expectations..dictate...who we are...and what is expected of us...
perhaps it will always be a double standard....that men can do and live as they please....and women will always be crazy...insane...drama queens... why.... because...man says so...!!!!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
April Fools....
my son shouts...laughing so hard..."i got you mom"... after his oscar winning phone call performance...of just having a car wreck... i posted a short version of the dialogue between us on facebook.... which in turn...provoked several responses...from friends... to be honest i was more surprised by the responses than my sons convincing performance....
the phone call couldn't have been more than a minute... but...within that 60 seconds... while listening to him...asking him questions...my mind was racing...with visions of him...trapped inside his car... his arm broken and limp...his face bloody...how to get to him...as quickly as possible... it was as though i was right there by his side... not standing in mikeC's bedroom...watching him remove the closet door... oddly... mike had ZERO reaction...while i was freaking out on the phone... he just continued trying to remove one the doors..asking no questions...even though my voice was filled with fear and concern... my first question to leighton..."are you okay...are you hurt" still nothing...not a peek from inside the closet... nothing... i think mike would have been more concerned if it were my cat ollie or my dog lucy...than one of my sons...
in that minute...i was consumed with a mothers worst nightmare... my child is hurt... my child is scared and alone...my child...that i carried inside me for nine months....birthed naturally... nursed him...held him..comforted him... my baby...was hurt... it's amazing how my mind.... reacts... how calm...i become...in a moment of desperation...total fear... i don't know if all mothers are like this...if we all react the same... but i do know...there is this internal...maternal strength... mothers...have...that can move mountains...that can lift automobiles...that can do and act beyond our own physical strength or knowing...!!!
fortunately...my sons and i have had a great many adventures together.... we have been face to face with more than one life threatening situation... i suppose giving us the advantage...and understanding of how to recover quickly... get through it safely.....this isn't the first time...one of my sons have called... just after an accident....or other not so good situations... over the years i have learned how to deal with them... how to help them....usually they aren't an hour away...and i can get to them within minutes... between the two...there have been at least 5 car wrecks... a half dozen broken bones.... bloody bodies... a dozen or more trips to the emergency room... holding them...witnessing the fear in their eyes... doing what mothers do...
while others seemed angry or irritated by my sons april fools joke... i felt relief... a sigh of thank god...he's not hurt... i even found myself laughing ... saying.."you little shit"... "you little shit" both of us laughing...at his remarkably convincing... joke!!!
i would rather be laughing at the end...then crying... if the truth be known...!!!
the phone call couldn't have been more than a minute... but...within that 60 seconds... while listening to him...asking him questions...my mind was racing...with visions of him...trapped inside his car... his arm broken and limp...his face bloody...how to get to him...as quickly as possible... it was as though i was right there by his side... not standing in mikeC's bedroom...watching him remove the closet door... oddly... mike had ZERO reaction...while i was freaking out on the phone... he just continued trying to remove one the doors..asking no questions...even though my voice was filled with fear and concern... my first question to leighton..."are you okay...are you hurt" still nothing...not a peek from inside the closet... nothing... i think mike would have been more concerned if it were my cat ollie or my dog lucy...than one of my sons...
in that minute...i was consumed with a mothers worst nightmare... my child is hurt... my child is scared and alone...my child...that i carried inside me for nine months....birthed naturally... nursed him...held him..comforted him... my baby...was hurt... it's amazing how my mind.... reacts... how calm...i become...in a moment of desperation...total fear... i don't know if all mothers are like this...if we all react the same... but i do know...there is this internal...maternal strength... mothers...have...that can move mountains...that can lift automobiles...that can do and act beyond our own physical strength or knowing...!!!
fortunately...my sons and i have had a great many adventures together.... we have been face to face with more than one life threatening situation... i suppose giving us the advantage...and understanding of how to recover quickly... get through it safely.....this isn't the first time...one of my sons have called... just after an accident....or other not so good situations... over the years i have learned how to deal with them... how to help them....usually they aren't an hour away...and i can get to them within minutes... between the two...there have been at least 5 car wrecks... a half dozen broken bones.... bloody bodies... a dozen or more trips to the emergency room... holding them...witnessing the fear in their eyes... doing what mothers do...
while others seemed angry or irritated by my sons april fools joke... i felt relief... a sigh of thank god...he's not hurt... i even found myself laughing ... saying.."you little shit"... "you little shit" both of us laughing...at his remarkably convincing... joke!!!
i would rather be laughing at the end...then crying... if the truth be known...!!!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
i read yesterday....
that oklahoma is the 16th most unsafe state in the US.... right up there with..new mexico... arkansas....and texas!!!! upon sharing this information with a friend...he told me... he read last week... Forbes magazine has listed oklahoma "43rd" as to the quality of life....there is more... a few months ago the oklahoma gazette wrote an article regarding prescription drug abuse in the US and again... oklahoma was right up there at the top.... don't quote me on this...but if i recall we are in the top 5...if not number "1"...yep.... !!! this is one messed up state... we have a huge problem with teenage suicide as well pregnancy...and isn't the divorce rate above the national average... something like 60%.... ? i have no idea...the percentage of alcoholic okies...but i'm sure... it's devastatingly high...
what causes all this unhappiness?
perhaps there really is a fire breathing dragon...hovering just above us.... !!!
i wish i could go on a happiness crusade... wake the people up in this state.... go on a crime reduction crusade...wake people up in this state.... i wish i had the answers... i wish i could help change the sadness that consumes oklahomans... i wish i could help the misguided...unhappy teenagers...i wish...i could help... married couples considering divorce...i wish i could make a difference... but what i have found is in oklahoma city....people don't like happy people... i've even been told... by a friend... there is a woman who doesn't like me....saying i'm so "OPTIMISTIC" i'm always happy... Whaaaaa ut!!! are you serious... all i could do was laugh... people don't like me because i don't express....my woes all the time... holy bjesus...!!!
saturday night...i met some friends out for a drink... an acquaintance...can't really call her a friend... who just had a baby with a man i consider to be a very very dear person in my life... anyway she... jumped down my throat...screaming at me in public.... for mentioning...."long johns" at her b/f...almost husbands birthday party.... with a great deal of anger and intensity ...she told me how inappropriate it was... OMG...i'm so confused... apparently donuts...are inappropriate... last year for my friends birthday....we got him chocolate covered long johns at 7-11... instead of a birthday cake.... covered one with as many candles as possible.. (his name is john) he laughed so hard.... so when i arrived at the afternoon...birthday potluck...this last january.... i mentioned how i almost brought him "long johns" okay.... really...are you serious...this is inappropriate....? please help me understand ... i just don't get it...!!!
it's almost as though people...try and find a reason...no matter how silly...how ridiculous it is... to be sad or angry.... why?
all of the above...pretty much validates....my previous posts regarding.... oklahoma city... and the sadness....hovering like a fire breathing dragon..growing...rich in the red dirt...blowing across the plains... consuming people in this state... why so sad people... why???
okay....this is what i know... happiness is a state of mind... just like anything else... success... failure...sadness.... we can choose to be happy...or sad....we can choose success...or failure... we can smile and laugh....or sit teary eyed crying the days away... i will admit some sadness is necessary and there are certain things....that happen which cause sadness... no need to name them...we all have our sadness thermometer....
i know in oklahoma...the weather is most unpredictable... from one moment to the next you never know.... if people would just step outside of their cages....the metal four wheel boxes..... and look beyond their noses....they would see an entire world... they would see .....so many colors... so many beautiful things.... that surround them every second of everyday....they would see the stars in the night sky....the moon..waning and waxing....they would smell the scent in the air...just before the rain falls....the temp dropping...30 degrees within minutes.... they would see... the family next door.... see the children jumping on trampolines...or racing their bicycles...as fast as they can.... they would see so much to explore...find so much to feel...
as i love my home....this city... it has become more apparent to me... i can no longer stay here... i can no longer live in a city...which is consumed by sadness.... unhappiness.... the thing is... we have so much here....we have big houses...and cars to drive...we have grocery stores...filled with food to eat...we have schools to educate our children....ourselves.... we have washing machines and clothes dryers....we have wonderful restaurants.... to sit and eat...we have a wonderfully diverse community... filled with people from all around the world.... we have stories to tell... families....and lovers...we have children... and parents....we have shoes to wear... we have television...and music to hear.... we have so so much.... but it just doesn't seem enough... if we all took a second... to look left...then right....smell the newly blossomed flower.... looked up to see the birds....nesting in the trees...flying in our sky.... breathe in...all the glory...the sunrise...the sunset....drink the happiness... have some sex.... hug a friend..... break out the bubbles.... skip in water puddles....squish your toes in cold mushy mud.... dance in the rain... sing as loud as you can.... laugh a little... love a lot.... happiness...is right there in front of you... it's waiting...for us all....it's calling out your name.... it wants you to dive in.... and enjoy life..... it wants you to embrace....all you can...and never ever give up hope.... blow a kiss.... laugh at your mistakes.... learn to live.... learn to smile...learn to listen... live a little...live a lot....
what causes all this unhappiness?
perhaps there really is a fire breathing dragon...hovering just above us.... !!!
i wish i could go on a happiness crusade... wake the people up in this state.... go on a crime reduction crusade...wake people up in this state.... i wish i had the answers... i wish i could help change the sadness that consumes oklahomans... i wish i could help the misguided...unhappy teenagers...i wish...i could help... married couples considering divorce...i wish i could make a difference... but what i have found is in oklahoma city....people don't like happy people... i've even been told... by a friend... there is a woman who doesn't like me....saying i'm so "OPTIMISTIC" i'm always happy... Whaaaaa ut!!! are you serious... all i could do was laugh... people don't like me because i don't express....my woes all the time... holy bjesus...!!!
saturday night...i met some friends out for a drink... an acquaintance...can't really call her a friend... who just had a baby with a man i consider to be a very very dear person in my life... anyway she... jumped down my throat...screaming at me in public.... for mentioning...."long johns" at her b/f...almost husbands birthday party.... with a great deal of anger and intensity ...she told me how inappropriate it was... OMG...i'm so confused... apparently donuts...are inappropriate... last year for my friends birthday....we got him chocolate covered long johns at 7-11... instead of a birthday cake.... covered one with as many candles as possible.. (his name is john) he laughed so hard.... so when i arrived at the afternoon...birthday potluck...this last january.... i mentioned how i almost brought him "long johns" okay.... really...are you serious...this is inappropriate....? please help me understand ... i just don't get it...!!!
it's almost as though people...try and find a reason...no matter how silly...how ridiculous it is... to be sad or angry.... why?
all of the above...pretty much validates....my previous posts regarding.... oklahoma city... and the sadness....hovering like a fire breathing dragon..growing...rich in the red dirt...blowing across the plains... consuming people in this state... why so sad people... why???
okay....this is what i know... happiness is a state of mind... just like anything else... success... failure...sadness.... we can choose to be happy...or sad....we can choose success...or failure... we can smile and laugh....or sit teary eyed crying the days away... i will admit some sadness is necessary and there are certain things....that happen which cause sadness... no need to name them...we all have our sadness thermometer....
i know in oklahoma...the weather is most unpredictable... from one moment to the next you never know.... if people would just step outside of their cages....the metal four wheel boxes..... and look beyond their noses....they would see an entire world... they would see .....so many colors... so many beautiful things.... that surround them every second of everyday....they would see the stars in the night sky....the moon..waning and waxing....they would smell the scent in the air...just before the rain falls....the temp dropping...30 degrees within minutes.... they would see... the family next door.... see the children jumping on trampolines...or racing their bicycles...as fast as they can.... they would see so much to explore...find so much to feel...
as i love my home....this city... it has become more apparent to me... i can no longer stay here... i can no longer live in a city...which is consumed by sadness.... unhappiness.... the thing is... we have so much here....we have big houses...and cars to drive...we have grocery stores...filled with food to eat...we have schools to educate our children....ourselves.... we have washing machines and clothes dryers....we have wonderful restaurants.... to sit and eat...we have a wonderfully diverse community... filled with people from all around the world.... we have stories to tell... families....and lovers...we have children... and parents....we have shoes to wear... we have television...and music to hear.... we have so so much.... but it just doesn't seem enough... if we all took a second... to look left...then right....smell the newly blossomed flower.... looked up to see the birds....nesting in the trees...flying in our sky.... breathe in...all the glory...the sunrise...the sunset....drink the happiness... have some sex.... hug a friend..... break out the bubbles.... skip in water puddles....squish your toes in cold mushy mud.... dance in the rain... sing as loud as you can.... laugh a little... love a lot.... happiness...is right there in front of you... it's waiting...for us all....it's calling out your name.... it wants you to dive in.... and enjoy life..... it wants you to embrace....all you can...and never ever give up hope.... blow a kiss.... laugh at your mistakes.... learn to live.... learn to smile...learn to listen... live a little...live a lot....
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
life is.....
good...
the lilies have broken ground...!!!
mikeC's gardens are blossoming reds yellows...and violet...!!!
japanese maple... red feather like leaves....
tulips and daffodils...
pansies please....
butterfly bush...laced with purple and spring green!!!
most thankful...for this wonderful day...that lies ahead...filled with love and light...and the scent of spring.......!!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
intuition....is
a powerful tool.... and at the same time...a haunting tool... knowing without knowing.... feeling it but not quite able to pinpoint... exactly what i'm feeling.... sometimes it's so strong...and has a name... attached to it... others.... just a feeling... raising my heart rate...the rhythm of my breath accelerates.... turning away....not wanting to listen...to know what i feel is right....wanting it to be wrong... the thing is....it's never ever wrong... it's always right... with this comes a paradox... i've learned to accept as part of my journey...
it's like someone saying..."i love you" and then a second later....hitting you so hard...you fall to your knees... in shock and pain... it has long been my belief...that "actions speak louder than words..." time and time again... this has been proven... and since...95% of communication is not the spoken word... my belief is more accurate than not...
upon my return from costa rica... i have been hiding out at my house... only spending time with my sons...and a few friends... for fear of losing this incredible happiness.... for fear that all the unhappiness....all the sadness....most people i know here...are consumed with...could somehow... take it away....or they would do whatever it took to squelch it... the moment of my return... i could feel the sadness hovering over the city.... just above the street lights... there it was... like a giant fire breathing dragon... ready to sweep down.... and suck from me all the beauty i had found... all the happiness...i had absorbed....the hope and magic... deep inside my soul....
i feel like costa rica happened for a reason... it wasn't just because... it had purpose and meaning... i stepped outside the velvet rut....and walked upon the light of happiness... i found something there...i had long lost... the sense of real...what life is about... why i am here... feeling hope... and adventure.... knowing there is more to this life....than what i have been living... there is so much good in this world...so much love...and kindness.... in every single petal of every single flower... is the truth....in every shade of blue....of green...there lies...magical powers... in my moment of weakness....i turned away...from everything i knew...i turned my back...gave up on hope... gave up on myself... the possibility of this life... in a moment of weakness....i shed a tear...for all i have loved...and all i have lost....in a moment of strength....i remembered... so much...so much more than i ever remembered before...
this life has been good to me.... oh...yes there are days...when i feel i am drowning... in a toxic pool of crap.... but inside me...flickers....a flame of hope.... dancing about.....filling me up....letting it rise and sing....the song of life... i'm just beginning....to build again...to find my dreams.... to walk away from anger...and sadness.... to smile upon my neighbor.... to speak....kindly... to share...openly....to welcome...love... to be... alive...
intuition... reveals the truth of things... without words... it's just in the gut... the heart... it can be protective...it can keep me from danger... but most importantly...i know before you say the words... before... it actually happens... i know!!!
it's like someone saying..."i love you" and then a second later....hitting you so hard...you fall to your knees... in shock and pain... it has long been my belief...that "actions speak louder than words..." time and time again... this has been proven... and since...95% of communication is not the spoken word... my belief is more accurate than not...
upon my return from costa rica... i have been hiding out at my house... only spending time with my sons...and a few friends... for fear of losing this incredible happiness.... for fear that all the unhappiness....all the sadness....most people i know here...are consumed with...could somehow... take it away....or they would do whatever it took to squelch it... the moment of my return... i could feel the sadness hovering over the city.... just above the street lights... there it was... like a giant fire breathing dragon... ready to sweep down.... and suck from me all the beauty i had found... all the happiness...i had absorbed....the hope and magic... deep inside my soul....
i feel like costa rica happened for a reason... it wasn't just because... it had purpose and meaning... i stepped outside the velvet rut....and walked upon the light of happiness... i found something there...i had long lost... the sense of real...what life is about... why i am here... feeling hope... and adventure.... knowing there is more to this life....than what i have been living... there is so much good in this world...so much love...and kindness.... in every single petal of every single flower... is the truth....in every shade of blue....of green...there lies...magical powers... in my moment of weakness....i turned away...from everything i knew...i turned my back...gave up on hope... gave up on myself... the possibility of this life... in a moment of weakness....i shed a tear...for all i have loved...and all i have lost....in a moment of strength....i remembered... so much...so much more than i ever remembered before...
this life has been good to me.... oh...yes there are days...when i feel i am drowning... in a toxic pool of crap.... but inside me...flickers....a flame of hope.... dancing about.....filling me up....letting it rise and sing....the song of life... i'm just beginning....to build again...to find my dreams.... to walk away from anger...and sadness.... to smile upon my neighbor.... to speak....kindly... to share...openly....to welcome...love... to be... alive...
intuition... reveals the truth of things... without words... it's just in the gut... the heart... it can be protective...it can keep me from danger... but most importantly...i know before you say the words... before... it actually happens... i know!!!
Friday, March 27, 2009
i had completely....
forgotten about this blog.... until yesterday when i was asked if i had blogged about my holiday.... suddenly there it was....pretty in pink.... and thought nope... said no... no i haven't... realizing... this blog had become no longer a part of my daily world... i had even forgotten about mikeC's blog... and the few others i read on occasion...
after my failed attempt to move to italy a year or so ago...i decided to not talk about any of my plans publicly...only to my closest friends...and my sons... trying to explain why things don't work out...the way we plan...is much too difficult....especially when we don't understand why ourselves...
i find myself lost in oklahoma city... the attitude here is so different than the attitude in costa rica... one of the most obvious differences is...happiness...not that kind of happiness one finds here... with the big houses...big cars...fancy clothes... who you know....where you go... it's more the kind of happiness that just lies within the soul.... the kind that has hope....and smiles... the kind of happiness that doesn't hurt... it just feels like being alive... the happiness was more from the costa rican people... walking barefoot...hustling about here and there... happy to be where they are...living with very little.... shoes seem to be more novelty than normal attire.... and the smiles...were everywhere!!!
for weeks and weeks i've been telling mikeC....i want a muse.... a lover.... that fills me with excitement...passion and energy.... wanting to be alive...wanting to be creative.... then i realized...i found my muse... in the jungle....on the beaches....at sunrise...at sunset...sitting quietly...overlooking the beauty that surrounded me...the peaceful sounds of toucans and macaws high above me.... caressing the canopy of trees..... the shades of magenta...yellow... blue.... greens and reds.... even during dry season....costa rica holds a majestic beauty....that seeps into your soul....intoxicating..... waking everyday....to singing birds... the windows open....the scent of plumeria... palms like i've never seen.... the strong wind blows..... covering my skin...with a welcome layer....of sandy salty mist.... i couldn't close my eyes....i couldn't stop listening... smelling... the never ending sound of laughter filled the air.... nothing seemed to bother me... or irritate me... life just felt....like life...like i embody...the true meaning of life... every morning sitting outside... either on the beach...or the balcony of my room...writing...documenting....ink the shade of ocean blue... looking up...to see the metallic...blue green and black humming bird....sucking nectar from the pink blossoms....just a few feet away... the monkey's huddled up in the trees.... the ocean waves crashing... time released...one after the other.... the soft rustle of the palms swaying in the breeze... and then i smile... raise my arms to the heavens...thankful for this magical moment....this sun beating down upon me.... this life... this day... this gift....
the truth is....i didn't want to come back here... not yet anyway.... i don't want to feel the sadness that floats just above the velvet rut.... the red dirt... the cars racing about on the roadways.... everything so perfect...buildings rising.... stars faded from the city lights.... i loved the sound of the water...trickling down the rock walls... created eons ago.... the camouflage tree trunks... the clear blue sky.... the taste of fresh coconut.... fallen from the tree.... i didn't want to come back to everything...planted in perfect rows... to the more we have the richer we are.... i loved the simplicity...of walking on the beach....the seashells....washed upon the shore during high tide... the sand...seeping away below my feet as the current returns to the ocean.... leaving...no trace of having been there... the change of every movement of water.... the constant...flow of energy.... the beauty....the incredible beauty...
after my failed attempt to move to italy a year or so ago...i decided to not talk about any of my plans publicly...only to my closest friends...and my sons... trying to explain why things don't work out...the way we plan...is much too difficult....especially when we don't understand why ourselves...
i find myself lost in oklahoma city... the attitude here is so different than the attitude in costa rica... one of the most obvious differences is...happiness...not that kind of happiness one finds here... with the big houses...big cars...fancy clothes... who you know....where you go... it's more the kind of happiness that just lies within the soul.... the kind that has hope....and smiles... the kind of happiness that doesn't hurt... it just feels like being alive... the happiness was more from the costa rican people... walking barefoot...hustling about here and there... happy to be where they are...living with very little.... shoes seem to be more novelty than normal attire.... and the smiles...were everywhere!!!
for weeks and weeks i've been telling mikeC....i want a muse.... a lover.... that fills me with excitement...passion and energy.... wanting to be alive...wanting to be creative.... then i realized...i found my muse... in the jungle....on the beaches....at sunrise...at sunset...sitting quietly...overlooking the beauty that surrounded me...the peaceful sounds of toucans and macaws high above me.... caressing the canopy of trees..... the shades of magenta...yellow... blue.... greens and reds.... even during dry season....costa rica holds a majestic beauty....that seeps into your soul....intoxicating..... waking everyday....to singing birds... the windows open....the scent of plumeria... palms like i've never seen.... the strong wind blows..... covering my skin...with a welcome layer....of sandy salty mist.... i couldn't close my eyes....i couldn't stop listening... smelling... the never ending sound of laughter filled the air.... nothing seemed to bother me... or irritate me... life just felt....like life...like i embody...the true meaning of life... every morning sitting outside... either on the beach...or the balcony of my room...writing...documenting....ink the shade of ocean blue... looking up...to see the metallic...blue green and black humming bird....sucking nectar from the pink blossoms....just a few feet away... the monkey's huddled up in the trees.... the ocean waves crashing... time released...one after the other.... the soft rustle of the palms swaying in the breeze... and then i smile... raise my arms to the heavens...thankful for this magical moment....this sun beating down upon me.... this life... this day... this gift....
the truth is....i didn't want to come back here... not yet anyway.... i don't want to feel the sadness that floats just above the velvet rut.... the red dirt... the cars racing about on the roadways.... everything so perfect...buildings rising.... stars faded from the city lights.... i loved the sound of the water...trickling down the rock walls... created eons ago.... the camouflage tree trunks... the clear blue sky.... the taste of fresh coconut.... fallen from the tree.... i didn't want to come back to everything...planted in perfect rows... to the more we have the richer we are.... i loved the simplicity...of walking on the beach....the seashells....washed upon the shore during high tide... the sand...seeping away below my feet as the current returns to the ocean.... leaving...no trace of having been there... the change of every movement of water.... the constant...flow of energy.... the beauty....the incredible beauty...
Monday, March 16, 2009
the project
mikeC's....master bedroom
before....powder pink...
after....
light khaki .....
the room looks completely different... today the trim will be painted...it's all sanded and ready to go...
a few finishing touches....and he will be sleeping in his new... bedroom....
for a while...
i really enjoyed this blog thing... for some reason it's lost its luster...and i haven't really felt like writing... interestingly....every morning... i go to my blog...with the intent to write... sit and stare at the blank page...waiting for the words.... the thoughts to come...but nothing happens... nothing i care to write anyway....
i do have good news... my sons are both here...with me... and there's nothing better in this world then having my sons....home again....
leighton has found love... and is very happy...spending most of his free time with her... she's a doll and i couldn't be more elated... seeing him...filled with joy...love....and the confusion of first loves...
taylor...is figuring out life stuff...what to do next... and how to get there.... confusion of life....
mikeC's master bedroom is almost complete....
that's about it....
on this day...i give thanks for all things...possible...for hopes and dreams...for believing in love and happiness... i am most grateful for this day....and all the beauty it beholds....
i do have good news... my sons are both here...with me... and there's nothing better in this world then having my sons....home again....
leighton has found love... and is very happy...spending most of his free time with her... she's a doll and i couldn't be more elated... seeing him...filled with joy...love....and the confusion of first loves...
taylor...is figuring out life stuff...what to do next... and how to get there.... confusion of life....
mikeC's master bedroom is almost complete....
that's about it....
on this day...i give thanks for all things...possible...for hopes and dreams...for believing in love and happiness... i am most grateful for this day....and all the beauty it beholds....
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
progress....is a good thing...it
appears...after days and days...of plugging along.... working and working... with little visual results...!!! then suddenly...there it is...that light...that wonderful...beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.....that just hours before...seemed so dim...and so far away....
my son, taylor worked with me on mc's home redo project yesterday... amazing progress... !!! even though we got a late start we managed to get a great deal done... before heading to mc's..there were things around our house that needed attention... as well the daylight savings time has me all twisted in time.... i am shocked by the amount of work accomplished in a few short hours with two people.... it's more than double....seriously....taylor helped mike remove the old ceiling fan.....taking all of 10 minutes.....a must do before completing the ceiling texture..... we also broke down...mike's bed and moved it into the hall...
taylor and i work so well together... there is a ....connection...as to the way we work and think... one of those very cool comfortable... never irritating work partners....and with the sort of work i do...having someone...who gets it...is essential... so many people.... i have to spend hours... explaining every step of the way....not him... he just follows my lead...then takes over... very few questions... very few interruptions.... excellent...!!!! while taylor painted the first coat of color on the walls...i finished the ceiling texture....then together we knocked out the last few feet of painting... never ever getting in each others way.... we also...did a bit of garden weed removal... cleaned all the tools... a must in my book...
i was shocked to see it was almost 5:30...when we finished up.... time just flew... with so much progress taylor and i.... left mc's house feeling accomplished.... there is no way i could have gotten so much done... alone... taylor made a huge difference... today.... i can get the ceiling painted... the second coat on the walls... if time allows...i can get the woodwork done....
very very soon...mc...will be waking in his newly updated... masculine decorated...with a touch of softness...bedroom....!!!
my son, taylor worked with me on mc's home redo project yesterday... amazing progress... !!! even though we got a late start we managed to get a great deal done... before heading to mc's..there were things around our house that needed attention... as well the daylight savings time has me all twisted in time.... i am shocked by the amount of work accomplished in a few short hours with two people.... it's more than double....seriously....taylor helped mike remove the old ceiling fan.....taking all of 10 minutes.....a must do before completing the ceiling texture..... we also broke down...mike's bed and moved it into the hall...
taylor and i work so well together... there is a ....connection...as to the way we work and think... one of those very cool comfortable... never irritating work partners....and with the sort of work i do...having someone...who gets it...is essential... so many people.... i have to spend hours... explaining every step of the way....not him... he just follows my lead...then takes over... very few questions... very few interruptions.... excellent...!!!! while taylor painted the first coat of color on the walls...i finished the ceiling texture....then together we knocked out the last few feet of painting... never ever getting in each others way.... we also...did a bit of garden weed removal... cleaned all the tools... a must in my book...
i was shocked to see it was almost 5:30...when we finished up.... time just flew... with so much progress taylor and i.... left mc's house feeling accomplished.... there is no way i could have gotten so much done... alone... taylor made a huge difference... today.... i can get the ceiling painted... the second coat on the walls... if time allows...i can get the woodwork done....
very very soon...mc...will be waking in his newly updated... masculine decorated...with a touch of softness...bedroom....!!!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
out of the corner of...
my eye....i see the flame dancing.... !!!
warm my heart....make me giggle... quiver with joy....at another persons happiness..... oh...the bright shine....of the heart...glows...glistens....love all around... i see it in his eyes.... in his step... the bounce of love... infatuation...
i dream.....
of the ocean.... sound of the waves... feel the sandy mist upon my face... sunset surprise... the first star in the night sky.... walking barefoot... in thick green grass.... soft and moist...tickle me pretty.... scent spring...shower....intoxicating.... let me fly....let my soar....let me love....all i adore...
a new day....awakens... possibility prevails...opportunity invitation.... take my hand...lead the way... believe...believe... in all living things...in all the stars....the penny wishes.... pond fish...swimming... orange and gold....koi...me up to the sky.... birds with fins.... cars with wings... east west..... beginning...to close.... spring.... teases... sneak previews.... rebirth... red belly robin...gift of hope....whistling the morning song.... iris oh iris.... bloom for me... purple petals...fall gently.... drink the sun.... breathe deep.... and deeper... today's smile...is for you...is for me... is for the new love... the old friend.... the mother the father... brothers and sisters....
i ask for forgiveness...for understanding... i give thanks for visions... for dreams... and hope... i give thanks for the laughter... dancing with friends....the young woman's story... hold me tight... never let me go....you have always...been in my dreams.... i fell in love...over and over... a walked on water...i touch the sky...i lived in the forest....flew with the fairies....i am all that i am...and much much more....i ask for your love... your strength and guidance.... i stand in humility....in ahh of creation....evolution...the man who stood one point five million years ago.... i am.... thankful for this day.... my new printer ink.... the hug the memories.... and all that can be....
warm my heart....make me giggle... quiver with joy....at another persons happiness..... oh...the bright shine....of the heart...glows...glistens....love all around... i see it in his eyes.... in his step... the bounce of love... infatuation...
i dream.....
of the ocean.... sound of the waves... feel the sandy mist upon my face... sunset surprise... the first star in the night sky.... walking barefoot... in thick green grass.... soft and moist...tickle me pretty.... scent spring...shower....intoxicating.... let me fly....let my soar....let me love....all i adore...
a new day....awakens... possibility prevails...opportunity invitation.... take my hand...lead the way... believe...believe... in all living things...in all the stars....the penny wishes.... pond fish...swimming... orange and gold....koi...me up to the sky.... birds with fins.... cars with wings... east west..... beginning...to close.... spring.... teases... sneak previews.... rebirth... red belly robin...gift of hope....whistling the morning song.... iris oh iris.... bloom for me... purple petals...fall gently.... drink the sun.... breathe deep.... and deeper... today's smile...is for you...is for me... is for the new love... the old friend.... the mother the father... brothers and sisters....
i ask for forgiveness...for understanding... i give thanks for visions... for dreams... and hope... i give thanks for the laughter... dancing with friends....the young woman's story... hold me tight... never let me go....you have always...been in my dreams.... i fell in love...over and over... a walked on water...i touch the sky...i lived in the forest....flew with the fairies....i am all that i am...and much much more....i ask for your love... your strength and guidance.... i stand in humility....in ahh of creation....evolution...the man who stood one point five million years ago.... i am.... thankful for this day.... my new printer ink.... the hug the memories.... and all that can be....
Saturday, March 7, 2009
sometimes we just
have to say "when"..... cut our losses and move on....!! a friend advised me today....to "just let go" of a particular situation.... after pondering this advice for a few minutes... it occurred to me... i don't really understand letting go... there is also the old saying...."forgive and forget".... all of this is easier said than done... to forgive...is actually quite easy...but to forget...not so much.... "letting go" is another easier said than done....
when someone....lashes out...deliberately....saying things to hurt another... it's just not so easy to "just let go".... in my mind....it is....words hurt...they never ever go away...once they are uttered...they are permanent... there is no taking them back...there is no...forgetting... the words have forever altered the relationship.... break my bones...they do heal...break my heart...it will mend... but words...they are always...always...there....
it's okay to be angry...to know ones own limits.... as a dear friend once said to me many years ago...we teach others how to treat us.... and if we allow them to treat us unkind...it is no ones fault but our own..... we have taught them we accept their cruelty...and it's okay for them to hurt us....
it's not okay...and it's not easy to say...i let go....i forget.... time heals...and that's the only real medicine...for some things.... time... helps the hurt...lesson...it helps the words fade... into the shadows....of another day.... it helps me to remember....be careful what you say... be careful how you say it...be honest when you do... because those words....can some day...come back and haunt you...
when someone....lashes out...deliberately....saying things to hurt another... it's just not so easy to "just let go".... in my mind....it is....words hurt...they never ever go away...once they are uttered...they are permanent... there is no taking them back...there is no...forgetting... the words have forever altered the relationship.... break my bones...they do heal...break my heart...it will mend... but words...they are always...always...there....
it's okay to be angry...to know ones own limits.... as a dear friend once said to me many years ago...we teach others how to treat us.... and if we allow them to treat us unkind...it is no ones fault but our own..... we have taught them we accept their cruelty...and it's okay for them to hurt us....
it's not okay...and it's not easy to say...i let go....i forget.... time heals...and that's the only real medicine...for some things.... time... helps the hurt...lesson...it helps the words fade... into the shadows....of another day.... it helps me to remember....be careful what you say... be careful how you say it...be honest when you do... because those words....can some day...come back and haunt you...
Friday, March 6, 2009
sometimes...i forget...
just how blessed i am... life throws those silly curve balls...that get me off track occasionally...but when i really think about my life...the people in it...i am incredibly blessed... !!!
i just got invited to go to momentum tonight with my cousin...and her daughter.... hope...wow...how great is that!!!
okay...really this story begins...yesterday morning...the warm weather...tickling...my fancy.... starting off... feeling a little hungover...from the barfing flu bug wednesday...not fun...... making the decision...i was going to feel good...whether i did or not.... mind of matter... really does work...
the only real plan for the day....was a lunch date at 11:30 a.m...... and to go check on my friend Val..... he had called me tuesday night...sounding very weak...and asked me for help...just before i was headed his way...he called back and said it was getting late and he was tired...so wait until tomorrow...... i tried calling him a couple of times.... on wednesday.... but the constant dashes to the porcelain goddess... prevented me from making the 20 minute drive south...to check on him....then yesterday...after two more unanswered phone calls...i began to really worry.....val usually returns my calls within an hour or so.... mara offered to go with me....i did not want to go alone...for fear of what i might find.... i have a key to his place....so getting in wouldn't be a problem....fortunately... when we got to his place...his car was gone...and two of his neighbors said he had just left...and seemed to be okay.... needless to say... i sighed with relief....and felt the tears...burn a bit... thank god....Val finally returned my call....just after we left his house...he sounded in good spirits...and strong.... he only has one or two good days a month now.... and spends most of his time at home...resting or at the hospital....
after finding val...okay....mara and i returned to the red cup...just in time for me to get to flip's only a few minutes late... scott and i sat outside on the patio...enjoying the warm sunshine and the good ole oklahoma wind... we chatted about this and that...he brought me a beautiful candle...made with olive oil...and a bottle of wine for my birthday.... so extra sweet...love it... he had a flight to catch so we hugged and said our goodbyes.... then off to sauced to meet mikeC... i refused to spend my day inside yesterday.... upper 80's...no way... eventually we were joined by skip...lauren and a few other folks...enjoying the warm afternoon sunshine...
by sunset...sauced patio was packed....people were out and about... enjoying the warm evening air... it was absolutely wonderful...and mikeC...in rare form... larryP.. entertaining the troops...jin dressed in biker chick wear.... caitlin...sexy and smiling...cristin... cute as ever....klint...actually happy....hugs from titi...a chat with joe mills...
a wonderful....perfect...thankful..... thursday.... love it....
another sun filled day... is waiting...and i'm ready to grab it...all of it....
i just got invited to go to momentum tonight with my cousin...and her daughter.... hope...wow...how great is that!!!
okay...really this story begins...yesterday morning...the warm weather...tickling...my fancy.... starting off... feeling a little hungover...from the barfing flu bug wednesday...not fun...... making the decision...i was going to feel good...whether i did or not.... mind of matter... really does work...
the only real plan for the day....was a lunch date at 11:30 a.m...... and to go check on my friend Val..... he had called me tuesday night...sounding very weak...and asked me for help...just before i was headed his way...he called back and said it was getting late and he was tired...so wait until tomorrow...... i tried calling him a couple of times.... on wednesday.... but the constant dashes to the porcelain goddess... prevented me from making the 20 minute drive south...to check on him....then yesterday...after two more unanswered phone calls...i began to really worry.....val usually returns my calls within an hour or so.... mara offered to go with me....i did not want to go alone...for fear of what i might find.... i have a key to his place....so getting in wouldn't be a problem....fortunately... when we got to his place...his car was gone...and two of his neighbors said he had just left...and seemed to be okay.... needless to say... i sighed with relief....and felt the tears...burn a bit... thank god....Val finally returned my call....just after we left his house...he sounded in good spirits...and strong.... he only has one or two good days a month now.... and spends most of his time at home...resting or at the hospital....
after finding val...okay....mara and i returned to the red cup...just in time for me to get to flip's only a few minutes late... scott and i sat outside on the patio...enjoying the warm sunshine and the good ole oklahoma wind... we chatted about this and that...he brought me a beautiful candle...made with olive oil...and a bottle of wine for my birthday.... so extra sweet...love it... he had a flight to catch so we hugged and said our goodbyes.... then off to sauced to meet mikeC... i refused to spend my day inside yesterday.... upper 80's...no way... eventually we were joined by skip...lauren and a few other folks...enjoying the warm afternoon sunshine...
by sunset...sauced patio was packed....people were out and about... enjoying the warm evening air... it was absolutely wonderful...and mikeC...in rare form... larryP.. entertaining the troops...jin dressed in biker chick wear.... caitlin...sexy and smiling...cristin... cute as ever....klint...actually happy....hugs from titi...a chat with joe mills...
a wonderful....perfect...thankful..... thursday.... love it....
another sun filled day... is waiting...and i'm ready to grab it...all of it....
Friday, February 27, 2009
how small we really
are......not just in our size....but in the whole scheme of things...
an image of a footprint dating 1.5 million years ago....was released february 26th 2009....
not only are we presented with 1.5 million year old footprints... the following is absolutely mind boggling....
incredibly fascinating... and overwhelming at the same time... i can't really wrap my brain around this one...
scientists...astronomers have provided us with a rare image of the "Eye of God".... this phenomenon occurs from the release of gases and dust...700 light years away.... " A light year is equal to exactly 9,460,730,472,580.8 km" almost 10 trillion kilometers.... so at 700 light years.... it would be 6,622,511,330,806,560. km....away...
over 6 quadrillion km
i don't think i've ever thought of things in trillions....billions maybe...but trillions and now quadrillions...!!!
i've always heard the term "light year" however i never really knew the distance or the measurement of a light year.... amazing.... now...i do..!!!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
magical moments....
happen when we least expect it..... we experience...life.... sometimes...in slow motion...others... so fast we hardly realize we were a part of it... dream like... floating outside our body.... above the blessed temple... captivated...
working on the remodel...or redecorating of mikeC's house has progressed slowly....each day... more change...more work... approaching the project artistically... laying texture to perfection... yesterdays... goal was to get the ceiling scraped...the old blown on...popcorn or acoustic...texture removed... most unappealing... and messy...a must do... i have a vision for mikeC's master bedroom... so it is...time consuming....to get it exactly as i envision it... the texture..has taken me longer than expected....in my defence... i had a minor...physical interruption.... keeping me from work for a few days...
scraping the ceiling.... was a little more strenuous than expected... first....dousing the ceiling with water...using a manual pump sprayer.... after letting it soak in...for about 15 minutes...i began the grueling...task of scraping....scraping...and more scraping... some of the texture came off with ease....and some....felt like scraping concrete.... standing on a ladder.... arms over head... with the scraping tool.... most likely designed for floors.... it is somewhat heavy.... for long stretches of overhead use.... after about 30 minutes...of pushing and scraping... i took a break...
the sun had come out...the temp had risen.... perfectly beautiful...day....
i walked around to mikeC's back yard....my new favorite... pomegranate cherry water in hand... laid down on the edge of his deck....soaking in the sun.... a few minutes later....mikeC....joined me.... handing me an apple.... i lay there a few more minutes...eyes closed....basking .... when i sat up... mike announced...."there's cocoa.." as i looked around the corner...towards the north...i saw her in his driveway... the sun... reflecting...her shiny chocolate brown coat....thin body....ribs visible.... without thought.... i called out to her... "cocoa come here baby"....gently slapping my leg... upon my invitation....she turned and looked....her tail wagging... walking 5 or 6 feet toward me....then pausing...again i called to her... then again....and again... as she came closer and closer... stopping just a few feet away....most cautious... her belly showed signs of recently having pups... slowly she made her way to me.... talking to her...soft and sweet...lifting my hand to her nose....gently rubbing her head....down her back....mike...left me alone with cocoa while he went inside to get her food... she ate every single piece of dried cat food like she hadn't eaten in weeks..... she let me love on her.... talk to her.... she trusted me...
cocoa....has not had a pretty life....her owners abuse her.... mike has tried on a number of occasions to rescue her....
i have a deep deep fear of pit bulls.... a 30 year fear.... when mike left me alone with her...i felt the sense of fear...building inside me.... consciously i was not afraid...but subconsciously...i was terrified.... fear for me begins...in the middle of my gut...piercing....slowly....spreading throughout my body....causing my skin to tingle....my hands to shake... and sweat....
dogs smell fear...i've always been told... while my fear...was salient....at the same time...so was hers... cocoa fears humans....as i fear pits... for a brief moment...a magical moment... she trusted me... i trusted her....
i didn't leave that moment without fear...it was still there... i did leave that moment.....feeling something greater than myself.... hoping the next time i meet cocoa... the fear subsides....and our trust in one another..prevails.... a new friend... a new understanding...
on this first day of my 51st year....i celebrate.....captivating experiences... love and light.... and gratitude....for magical moments....
working on the remodel...or redecorating of mikeC's house has progressed slowly....each day... more change...more work... approaching the project artistically... laying texture to perfection... yesterdays... goal was to get the ceiling scraped...the old blown on...popcorn or acoustic...texture removed... most unappealing... and messy...a must do... i have a vision for mikeC's master bedroom... so it is...time consuming....to get it exactly as i envision it... the texture..has taken me longer than expected....in my defence... i had a minor...physical interruption.... keeping me from work for a few days...
scraping the ceiling.... was a little more strenuous than expected... first....dousing the ceiling with water...using a manual pump sprayer.... after letting it soak in...for about 15 minutes...i began the grueling...task of scraping....scraping...and more scraping... some of the texture came off with ease....and some....felt like scraping concrete.... standing on a ladder.... arms over head... with the scraping tool.... most likely designed for floors.... it is somewhat heavy.... for long stretches of overhead use.... after about 30 minutes...of pushing and scraping... i took a break...
the sun had come out...the temp had risen.... perfectly beautiful...day....
i walked around to mikeC's back yard....my new favorite... pomegranate cherry water in hand... laid down on the edge of his deck....soaking in the sun.... a few minutes later....mikeC....joined me.... handing me an apple.... i lay there a few more minutes...eyes closed....basking .... when i sat up... mike announced...."there's cocoa.." as i looked around the corner...towards the north...i saw her in his driveway... the sun... reflecting...her shiny chocolate brown coat....thin body....ribs visible.... without thought.... i called out to her... "cocoa come here baby"....gently slapping my leg... upon my invitation....she turned and looked....her tail wagging... walking 5 or 6 feet toward me....then pausing...again i called to her... then again....and again... as she came closer and closer... stopping just a few feet away....most cautious... her belly showed signs of recently having pups... slowly she made her way to me.... talking to her...soft and sweet...lifting my hand to her nose....gently rubbing her head....down her back....mike...left me alone with cocoa while he went inside to get her food... she ate every single piece of dried cat food like she hadn't eaten in weeks..... she let me love on her.... talk to her.... she trusted me...
cocoa....has not had a pretty life....her owners abuse her.... mike has tried on a number of occasions to rescue her....
i have a deep deep fear of pit bulls.... a 30 year fear.... when mike left me alone with her...i felt the sense of fear...building inside me.... consciously i was not afraid...but subconsciously...i was terrified.... fear for me begins...in the middle of my gut...piercing....slowly....spreading throughout my body....causing my skin to tingle....my hands to shake... and sweat....
dogs smell fear...i've always been told... while my fear...was salient....at the same time...so was hers... cocoa fears humans....as i fear pits... for a brief moment...a magical moment... she trusted me... i trusted her....
i didn't leave that moment without fear...it was still there... i did leave that moment.....feeling something greater than myself.... hoping the next time i meet cocoa... the fear subsides....and our trust in one another..prevails.... a new friend... a new understanding...
on this first day of my 51st year....i celebrate.....captivating experiences... love and light.... and gratitude....for magical moments....
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
my last day....
to be the big 5-oh... time....time....time....flies by...at warp speed.... only yesterday... 365 yesterdays ago... i turned 50....(leap year) so excited... feeling a rite of passage...into a new woman.... being 50 has been incredibly fulfilling..... i love saying... "i'm 50".... along with the response of "NO WAY" .... only one birthday...digit change...bothered me...26...my golden birthday... in my mind... that birthday....represented ....the crossing over....from kid-hood...to adult-hood... no longer could i really get away with childish.... behaviors...or actions... it was time to grow up... leave behind the precious years of youth... at that time i had been married for 3 1/2 years....owned a home... had a job... playing house... living life as an adult...just didn't really feel like one...
now....25 years later....
my life is more like that of a 21 year old... it's like starting from the beginning...with some added shit....i have very little responsibilities... my sons are grown... i'm not married...it's just me...doing whatever i please when i please... no one to take care of... or...making sure homework is done....or... mouths to feed... all the things that occupied 20 some odd years of my life... the only real difference in being 50 almost 51...and 21...is.... expectations of others...
so as bid farewell...to the big 5-oh.... it is with a bit of sadness....and at the same time a mountain of gratitude.... i have learned so much.... i have felt the rite of passage... in so many ways... things that used to be of importance to me...are no longer important.... i don't rush...and panic...i don't freak out over the silliest things... i'm not exhausted all the time....scrambling for an extra hour in the day...to get everything done... i find myself...more introspective...understanding...and grateful... it's been incredible....
tomorrow...begins a new journey... a new year... a new chapter....in my life.... a goal oriented... focused...and meditative chapter.... the beginning of....I CHOOSE... to do this or that.... ....setting in motion a path in which I CHOOSE to follow... making changes... resolutions.... following my dreams....my heart....filling my world with happy love filled people.... resurrecting... my creative energy...manifest...a beautiful reality....
my new life.... begins with...
deliberate.... happiness.... love and light...
the last few weeks....i have grown...and learned so much... as difficult as some lessons are... they are lessons....worth learning.... a smile...stretches....from ear to ear....heart felt resolution... clearing the way for new discoveries.... wonderful experiences... a life of love and joy... saying good bye...to a lot of not so good stuff... and hello to the yummiest of yummies...
i am most grateful...for my sons....sending them both love and light through the power of the holy spirit.... i am most grateful for strength within...to get up and do it again...for the love that surrounds me... the clarity that engulfs me.... the knowledge...and wisdom...that escapes me... my friends....god thank you for my friends....mikeC...Jming special mention... thank you for my family....cousin kimmy and calvin...
thank you for...this lovely day...filled with magical...moments...
now....25 years later....
my life is more like that of a 21 year old... it's like starting from the beginning...with some added shit....i have very little responsibilities... my sons are grown... i'm not married...it's just me...doing whatever i please when i please... no one to take care of... or...making sure homework is done....or... mouths to feed... all the things that occupied 20 some odd years of my life... the only real difference in being 50 almost 51...and 21...is.... expectations of others...
so as bid farewell...to the big 5-oh.... it is with a bit of sadness....and at the same time a mountain of gratitude.... i have learned so much.... i have felt the rite of passage... in so many ways... things that used to be of importance to me...are no longer important.... i don't rush...and panic...i don't freak out over the silliest things... i'm not exhausted all the time....scrambling for an extra hour in the day...to get everything done... i find myself...more introspective...understanding...and grateful... it's been incredible....
tomorrow...begins a new journey... a new year... a new chapter....in my life.... a goal oriented... focused...and meditative chapter.... the beginning of....I CHOOSE... to do this or that.... ....setting in motion a path in which I CHOOSE to follow... making changes... resolutions.... following my dreams....my heart....filling my world with happy love filled people.... resurrecting... my creative energy...manifest...a beautiful reality....
my new life.... begins with...
deliberate.... happiness.... love and light...
the last few weeks....i have grown...and learned so much... as difficult as some lessons are... they are lessons....worth learning.... a smile...stretches....from ear to ear....heart felt resolution... clearing the way for new discoveries.... wonderful experiences... a life of love and joy... saying good bye...to a lot of not so good stuff... and hello to the yummiest of yummies...
i am most grateful...for my sons....sending them both love and light through the power of the holy spirit.... i am most grateful for strength within...to get up and do it again...for the love that surrounds me... the clarity that engulfs me.... the knowledge...and wisdom...that escapes me... my friends....god thank you for my friends....mikeC...Jming special mention... thank you for my family....cousin kimmy and calvin...
thank you for...this lovely day...filled with magical...moments...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
what a
beautiful beautiful day....!!! new hair...new understandings.... i choose... i make the choice.....
love that...so so much...
accept me for who i am....and not for who you want me to be....
do not waste another second... trying to fix...correct.... or alter me....
it won't be that easy....
i choose to be me...
silly...unorthodox... out of the ordinary... crazy.... lovely...kind....caring... motivating... encouraging... creative.... curious.... outdoorsy.... colorful....giggly... playful... beautiful.... impractical....practical... idealistically unrealistic...helpful....empathetic...sympathetic... understanding.... strong... fearless....amazing...ME!!!
oh...i do like this... i do....
love that...so so much...
accept me for who i am....and not for who you want me to be....
do not waste another second... trying to fix...correct.... or alter me....
it won't be that easy....
i choose to be me...
silly...unorthodox... out of the ordinary... crazy.... lovely...kind....caring... motivating... encouraging... creative.... curious.... outdoorsy.... colorful....giggly... playful... beautiful.... impractical....practical... idealistically unrealistic...helpful....empathetic...sympathetic... understanding.... strong... fearless....amazing...ME!!!
oh...i do like this... i do....
i find myself....
wanting to retreat from the world.... give no cause...or reason of mention... assumption this... accusation that... it seems there are so many...who have nothing better to do with their days...but find reasons...to make others feel bad...or cause hurt or pain....slinging words of so called wisdom...... who am i...to say he/she...is...did... ? when... what i know is 3rd party information...or rumor mill...grapevine...gossip....with very little truth or knowledge...
i want to believe...there is love.... to know there is purpose.... if i keep trying... the more i grow...evolve ... somewhere along the line...to this day...in time....i forgot...what it was to try....to give a damn about anything... becoming more and more aware...there are only a handful of people...who really care... who... listen to our words... look into our eyes...and see who we really are... the essence of human life... illuminated....in every color... the good.. the bad... the ugly...the beautiful.... sometimes i wish i could be invisible... to not be the target of assumption.... to not hear....words of destruction... stealing the spirit of a life... not of your own... what is this arrogance...that walks the same streets as i....who are these people who criticize... dismantle another persons world...or claim they know more.... who are these people who imply they are friends... or they care...when all they do...is destroy.... they take and take...they hurt and hurt... under the disguise...of meaning well....
every now and then....getting caught up in the latest gossip.... he did...she did...can you believe... guess what i heard... excusing myself upon repeating....saying...don't repeat this....because... or don't quote me on that...because.... and then...after the words spill from my lips... remorse engulfs me... for being so stupid...for allowing myself to act in a way.... i despise... gossip destructive.. hurtful... gossip.... did i really just fall for that....?
from this day forward....i will remember....that he...she is human... that they too deserve love... and light...to be more aware of the words escaping my lips... take time....to listen...to look into their eyes...to understand...support....lend a helping hand.... to give of myself unto others...to be true...honest...loving....kind...caring...supportive.... non judgmental....to remember... each person i encounter has their own story....their own purpose...their own love.... and it is not my right... to in anyway....take from that human life....
i give thanks this morning...for my sons....my family...my friends... for this life... granted to me...so generously... i give thanks....for the lives before me and those to follow.... i give thanks for the love that fills my heart... for all the beauty...surrounding me...
i want to believe...there is love.... to know there is purpose.... if i keep trying... the more i grow...evolve ... somewhere along the line...to this day...in time....i forgot...what it was to try....to give a damn about anything... becoming more and more aware...there are only a handful of people...who really care... who... listen to our words... look into our eyes...and see who we really are... the essence of human life... illuminated....in every color... the good.. the bad... the ugly...the beautiful.... sometimes i wish i could be invisible... to not be the target of assumption.... to not hear....words of destruction... stealing the spirit of a life... not of your own... what is this arrogance...that walks the same streets as i....who are these people who criticize... dismantle another persons world...or claim they know more.... who are these people who imply they are friends... or they care...when all they do...is destroy.... they take and take...they hurt and hurt... under the disguise...of meaning well....
every now and then....getting caught up in the latest gossip.... he did...she did...can you believe... guess what i heard... excusing myself upon repeating....saying...don't repeat this....because... or don't quote me on that...because.... and then...after the words spill from my lips... remorse engulfs me... for being so stupid...for allowing myself to act in a way.... i despise... gossip destructive.. hurtful... gossip.... did i really just fall for that....?
from this day forward....i will remember....that he...she is human... that they too deserve love... and light...to be more aware of the words escaping my lips... take time....to listen...to look into their eyes...to understand...support....lend a helping hand.... to give of myself unto others...to be true...honest...loving....kind...caring...supportive.... non judgmental....to remember... each person i encounter has their own story....their own purpose...their own love.... and it is not my right... to in anyway....take from that human life....
i give thanks this morning...for my sons....my family...my friends... for this life... granted to me...so generously... i give thanks....for the lives before me and those to follow.... i give thanks for the love that fills my heart... for all the beauty...surrounding me...
Monday, February 23, 2009
my cat.....
oliver....has been with me...for just over 16 years..... my sons brought him home to me in october of 1992...ollie was a few months old then... i never met the tiny....kitten ollie.... taylor and leighton.... gave me ollie to help....with the loss of my mcduff....the cutest little westie....he had been with me since i was 19.... 14 years.... his death....devastated me.... however this is not a story about mcduff... it's a story about oliver...
oliver now.....old and thin.... was at one time.... the most beautiful blue hair cat.... he's a large cat compared to most.... standing with such majesty....ruling every neighborhood we have lived in.... ollie is and extraordinary feline... he's the indoor outdoor sort... until recently...ollie only came inside...for short little visits.... however.....he rarely goes outside these days.... only when the sun is warm....and he takes short little walks....then back inside...to his most comfy perch....where he can look out the window....
i'm not sure how cats operate in the cat community.... however....frequently there are cats...sitting on my porch... as if they miss their old friend....wanting him to come out and play.... or hunt.....or stalk...or whatever cats do.... but ollie...no longer seems to be interested in his night prowling... his feline friends....of 85th street...
he's not the cat from just a few months ago.... he seems tired....and not interested in much....and he even acts like he likes me... hopping up on my bed.... demanding a petting session... with a loud...and constant meow....until i finally nudge him....a gentle nudge...on his head.....then softly run my hand down his back....while he stretches....his body....his tail wrinkling....with joy.... i must admit...it's difficult to pet him....and feel his bones.... he was once so full so slick....so shiny and strong....
ollie walks...slowly...through the house.... meowing...as loud as any cat can.... he's actually known for this.... his loud..... meow.....meow....meow....talking to whoever is standing near.... he has always preferred males over females.... so when a man enters... ollie immediately yet gracefully.... makes his way to the male visitor....demanding attention.... rubbing his body on their leg...or meowing at them like the male visitor understands feline communication!!
ollie is not a people cat really....he prefers...people contact on his own terms and when he wants it....there is no hushing him....until he gets exactly what...he is.... meowing about.... well last night... he did this in true ollie form....
while leighton and i were watching the oscars.... ollie didn't seem a bit interested in us.... i rarely watch the oscars....if i remember....the last time i watched the oscars was when angleica houston won for pritzi's honor.... i don't recall who she was up against....however after that....it occurred to me...the oscars were rigged... so i have for the most part boycotted the oscars all these years.... for some reason....well one particular reason i decided...to watch... i'm not much of a movie goer....however i have seen a great many films...it's one of my passions.... needless to say....not a single film nominated in any category have i seen.... with the exception...of "pineapple express" was it nominated? one funny film....
anyway.... when the news of heath ledger's accidental overdose...hit the air ways... i was shocked...and saddened.... an odd reaction for me.... i didn't know the guy.... nevertheless.... it really got to me.... i have not been able to bring myself to watch his portrayal of the joker... so i have not seen the film.... interestingly....his portrayal of the joker....has been talked about since the day of the films release.... i have heard over and over again...that heath ledger is amazing as the joker.... as well i have not heard a single mention....of any other actor nominated last night.... so when his name was announced as the winner of the best...supporting actor....i actually screamed.... YES!!! over joyed by this deserved award...and actually being recognized as such...thrilled me..... the entire Kodak theater fell silent as his parents and sister.... began to thank the academy....and speak on heath ledger's behalf.... at that very moment.....when all was silent...the most moving moment of the oscars....oliver... decides he needs some attention...and he wants it now.... not one minute before the acceptance speech did ollie make a sound...then....right when daddy ledger...began....so did ollie... he meowed as loud and as obnoxious as he could through.. dad...mom and sister....as soon as it was over...ollie hopped off the bed and went to his comfy perch in the living room....not to be heard from again...until this morning at 4:30....
and that's my ollie story.... love him... so so much....but holy bjesus....why then...why couldn't he do that when ben stiller was on stage...or during a commercial.... any other time would have been just fine...and probably gone unnoticed.... ha....here's to cat humor.... i think he totally got me on that one....
oliver now.....old and thin.... was at one time.... the most beautiful blue hair cat.... he's a large cat compared to most.... standing with such majesty....ruling every neighborhood we have lived in.... ollie is and extraordinary feline... he's the indoor outdoor sort... until recently...ollie only came inside...for short little visits.... however.....he rarely goes outside these days.... only when the sun is warm....and he takes short little walks....then back inside...to his most comfy perch....where he can look out the window....
i'm not sure how cats operate in the cat community.... however....frequently there are cats...sitting on my porch... as if they miss their old friend....wanting him to come out and play.... or hunt.....or stalk...or whatever cats do.... but ollie...no longer seems to be interested in his night prowling... his feline friends....of 85th street...
he's not the cat from just a few months ago.... he seems tired....and not interested in much....and he even acts like he likes me... hopping up on my bed.... demanding a petting session... with a loud...and constant meow....until i finally nudge him....a gentle nudge...on his head.....then softly run my hand down his back....while he stretches....his body....his tail wrinkling....with joy.... i must admit...it's difficult to pet him....and feel his bones.... he was once so full so slick....so shiny and strong....
ollie walks...slowly...through the house.... meowing...as loud as any cat can.... he's actually known for this.... his loud..... meow.....meow....meow....talking to whoever is standing near.... he has always preferred males over females.... so when a man enters... ollie immediately yet gracefully.... makes his way to the male visitor....demanding attention.... rubbing his body on their leg...or meowing at them like the male visitor understands feline communication!!
ollie is not a people cat really....he prefers...people contact on his own terms and when he wants it....there is no hushing him....until he gets exactly what...he is.... meowing about.... well last night... he did this in true ollie form....
while leighton and i were watching the oscars.... ollie didn't seem a bit interested in us.... i rarely watch the oscars....if i remember....the last time i watched the oscars was when angleica houston won for pritzi's honor.... i don't recall who she was up against....however after that....it occurred to me...the oscars were rigged... so i have for the most part boycotted the oscars all these years.... for some reason....well one particular reason i decided...to watch... i'm not much of a movie goer....however i have seen a great many films...it's one of my passions.... needless to say....not a single film nominated in any category have i seen.... with the exception...of "pineapple express" was it nominated? one funny film....
anyway.... when the news of heath ledger's accidental overdose...hit the air ways... i was shocked...and saddened.... an odd reaction for me.... i didn't know the guy.... nevertheless.... it really got to me.... i have not been able to bring myself to watch his portrayal of the joker... so i have not seen the film.... interestingly....his portrayal of the joker....has been talked about since the day of the films release.... i have heard over and over again...that heath ledger is amazing as the joker.... as well i have not heard a single mention....of any other actor nominated last night.... so when his name was announced as the winner of the best...supporting actor....i actually screamed.... YES!!! over joyed by this deserved award...and actually being recognized as such...thrilled me..... the entire Kodak theater fell silent as his parents and sister.... began to thank the academy....and speak on heath ledger's behalf.... at that very moment.....when all was silent...the most moving moment of the oscars....oliver... decides he needs some attention...and he wants it now.... not one minute before the acceptance speech did ollie make a sound...then....right when daddy ledger...began....so did ollie... he meowed as loud and as obnoxious as he could through.. dad...mom and sister....as soon as it was over...ollie hopped off the bed and went to his comfy perch in the living room....not to be heard from again...until this morning at 4:30....
and that's my ollie story.... love him... so so much....but holy bjesus....why then...why couldn't he do that when ben stiller was on stage...or during a commercial.... any other time would have been just fine...and probably gone unnoticed.... ha....here's to cat humor.... i think he totally got me on that one....
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