family.....

the misfits....mix matched...gather together almost daily... reinventing families... i too have done this... realizing that many people in my life are as i.... without family...of blood... living in a city... alone... some still have one or both parents nearby...others children... but for some...there is no one... i am one without family close by.....my two sons...two brothers... sister and mother... all live in other towns... some just an hour away...others 8 to 12 hours away... needless to say...i rarely get to spend time with family... yesterday...however was quite contrary to my day to day life... my baby brother and his two children were in town...my sons came home to visit... to see their uncle and cousins...

growing up in a large family... it's been quite the adjustment living alone... for some they seem to have always been alone... not me...there was the craziness of six people going in six different directions...and at the end of the day...all coming together again... learning certain survival techniques... where we fit in the family dynamic... me...daddy's girl...my baby brother...mama's boy... my fathers...name sake... my older brother... of another father... and my sister... the middle child... i love all my family... however it is kip...my baby brother i share the most likeness with...that i feel the most connected too... my sons ... have this connection with him and his children as well... we spent maybe five hours together... a wonderful five hours together... chatting away...laughing...teasing one another... in a way only family can...
the day ended much to quickly... saying good bye... my brother and his children drive away...

my sons and i retreat to the front porch...leighton begins telling me...while tears build in his eyes... a sadness...a hurt in his voice...how he just got off the phone with his father...he wanted to see him...spend the night...his father responded "well that might be kind of awkward... you can come visit but i don't know about spending the night" there was nothing i could say to make it better for him...only comfort him... asking him to stay here... later that evening....after the damage was done...his father called and apologized... like he always does... i know....leighton will never ever forget what his father said... it's one of those things people just don't forget...

we all three went inside... began preparing for the nights end... talking of how wonderful it was to spend time with kip, evin and cole... and how much my sons adore the relationship between my brother and i... and how much they love their uncle... we are family together...the six of us....my brother the perfect son... me the daughter... the novelty...my sons...crazy love sons...the first of all the grandchildren... the two that started the new generation...to carry on...our heritage...followed by...eight more...

it is... a beautiful day... today....and i am most grateful...for this family of mine... it's days like yesterday... i find... great happiness...great love...and a sense of belonging...

sunday morning....

sitting on the cold concrete floor... waves of passion....flow in and out...my body moves...slowly back and forth....to the rhythm... of the music.... morning air... breathing....life into this day...the sun illuminating the eastern sky..... while thoughts of yesterday... dreams of tomorrow.... saturate my mind....
saturday evening... falls again...the monarchs... catching the last glimpse of the warm autumn sun... bathing in its glory....the little girl across the street...dancing about... while her grandmother watches... a friend calls... saturday evening invitation... mimosas on the patio... card games... her daughter...concentrates while building pyramids... later retreating to her apartment... a magical palace... decorated like a fairy house....scarves draped over the lamps... pillows laying about...the child cries out to her mother... making sure she hasn't gone far... smoking cigarettes...drinking wine..she sees in me her future... the possibilities ...i see in her... the passion of youth... the possibilities... did i miss anything...is there still more... listening...embracing...understanding... this incredible woman... discovering more and more likenesses... realizing our friendship is everlasting... days...weeks... months...may pass...but she and i...we find these moments... spontaneous ... filled with laughter...tears... stories of love....life... and friends... this woman is filled with so much love... so much passion...she barely gets the words out... pausing.... collecting her thoughts... releasing the words.... with such definitive clarity... i understand her... she is an angel...of this earth... her dark brown eyes... smile upon me.... her beauty... her magic... her dreams...

please don't let me forget.....

to say thank you...
to see the flowers in bloom...
to dance in the rain....
to sing....
the rainstorm... tuesday may 6th, 1985
taylor's birth....wednesday may 7th, 1985
the sun shine... saturday may 21st, 1988
leighton's birth... saturday may 21st, 1988
the first time i laid my eyes...on my sons...took them in my arms...
my father....my mother.... my brothers....my sister...

please don't let me forget...
the tears of goodbye...
the smile of hello...
the embrace that made everything okay....
the many times i jumped on the trampoline with my sons...
the day... i thought no one cared... the phone and doorbell rang at the same time
the mother who stands alone holding her child...while the father turns his back...
the father who cannot see his child....while the mother turns her back...
the child that cries alone... while it's parents turn their back...

please don't let me forget....
the scent... just before the rain falls...
the friend...who said... i love you...
the first sign of spring...
the dog days of summer....
the magnificent color of autumn
the bitter cold of winter...
the fire in the fireplace...
the quiet of the white falling snow...
the tree adorned with time treasures....
the day of my sons high school graduations
the tears of joy....
the tears of sadness...
the sound of my father's laugh...
the comfort of my father's lap...
his strength...his never ending kindness... his love

please don't let me forget...
the family camp outs...
riding in the boat....so fast it felt like we were flying...
my first plane ride...
my first kiss...
my first...almost...2nd base... the tingle...the tickle...
the fireworks...on the 4th of july...
christmas morning....
ripping open the first present christmas morning...
the aroma... engulfing the house on thanksgiving day...

please don't let me forget...
to smile...
to laugh so hard...my gut hurts...
the way my father would grab my knee and squeeze it...
my mom's sunday dinner...fried chicken and mashed potatoes..
my first bicycle...
fishing with my family...on a warm summer night...
the fire flies dancing about....
the first time i drove a car..
my father polishing his mgb...white with red interior...
my mother's giant red station wagon...
my grandmothers thelma and doris
my great grandmother...stella
the ancestors before me...
the children to follow....
to take time
to smile at everyone...
to lend a helping hand...
to say i'm sorry...
to say i love you...

please don't let me forget...
all the beauty...that surrounds me every single day...
the love...that is everywhere...
to reach out...
to believe in humanity..
to love without condition...
to expect only of myself...
to be grateful good or bad...
to never regret...
to get up...everyday...and do what i can...to make a difference...
to let go...of my own stubborn ways...
to embrace others...
to believe in miracles...
to never ever give up...

please don' t let me forget...

what this life is really about...

monday.....

for the past several days... i've not been feeling well... constant ache in the middle of my gut... sometimes so intense...i double over...tears of pain... flow from my eyes...and the only relief...is in the scream.... screeching from my lips... oh god make this go away.... from day to night...waking in sweats... exhausted from lack of sleep... it comes and goes... 24/7...
yesterday... was no better... but i worked through it... painting and painting the walls of my downstairs... thinking that the more i move about...the more focused i am on something else... the less i will notice the pain... late in the day... early evening...i had run out of paint... measured every inch of the kitchen... for base boards... crown molding...hard board... and trim... making a list of all the things needed... including... more paint...trim nails... adhesive... grout... etc...
the smell of fresh paint is nice for a short while...but soon it becomes... overwhelming... the fumes... causing a slight headache...i'm not complaining...really...it's just i don't like pain of any kind... taking a minute to check my emails... finding a few from close relatives...republican relatives.... sending articles about palin... comparing her to Roosevelt...."are you serious?" please... spare me...
the late afternoon air was calling to me...take time to enjoy a little fresh air...the fly infested patio of sauced is where i landed....running into a few friends... chatting away... and then...i had this absolutely beautiful experience.... lars has returned to us from northern california... visiting for a few weeks.... the last time i saw her was several months ago... when baby irie was still being carried about in her baby sling...strapped across lars belly.... so tiny you could hardly find her wrapped within the gauze like fabric... the moment i laid my eyes upon this child... my heart blossomed...i saw an angel... walking about in her bright blue crocks... shocked by my own response to this child... i couldn't take my eyes off of her... her curiosity... her angelic moves... her need to explore every person...every inch of the patio...her mother never letting irie get to far away... talking to her.... guiding her... i spent two hours playing with this angel...holding her... taking her for walks... rolling back and forth some funky little toy... the night had fallen...and it was time for me to go... irie reached out her arms over and over again for me to hold her... she didn't want me to leave... i didn't want to leave her...
where did this come from...?
lately...being exposed to another child...close to the same age...i am completely and totally annoyed...irritated... the minute i see the ginormous monster truck roll up to the red cup... all i want to do is leave... this is the amusing thing to me... lar's is a single mother... living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere... she has dreadlocks... she smells of earth scents... she talks of trees and the redwood forest... she is the most beautiful...adoring...attentive mother.... and at the same time...the monster truck mom...has a husband... has family... has lots of money... has all the conveniences of life and she is without a doubt one of the most selfish mothers i have ever seen in my life... i among many others get upset watching this child unattended child...while she runs toward the street or the parking lot...her mother sitting eating her perfectly prepared bagel with cream cheese... and not paying a bit of attention to this child...others are expected to do so... the perfect little princess monster truck mom...could certainly use some lessons from the mother...of the forest... the difference is amazing... which tells me one thing... you don't have to have big trucks...you don't have to have a husband...you don't have to live in a great new home... to be a good parent... what you need is love... strength... selflessness.... and the realization that your child is just that your child... not the responsibility of everyone else...

sunday walk in the park

celebrating the last day of summer...enjoying an afternoon walk with a friend... through a glorious park in the middle of oklahoma city...filled with soft green green grass... roses blossoming....reds, pinks, whites, peach.... the sun just in the western sky.... illuminating...yellow centered roses.... red velvet peddles.... stopping.... over and over again just to look... absorbing as much as my eyes could soak in.... we walked together.... through the gardens... the cypress trees.... roots emerge as families... of sculptural beings... noticing for the first time the cypress trunks...... shaped almost like fingers...deep crevices showing signs of age.... this park is a little hidden secret...not many ever take time to enjoy... with the exception of the ever so diligent disc golfers.... however they never quite make it to the magical gardens ...where the iris... fall dormant... with names like "black knight" and "eliminator".... a small herb garden....with bushes of lavender, rosemary, sage, coneflower and mint... we stopped and picked a leaf from each...smelling it..rubbing the leaf between our fingers ... releasing the scent...exploding into the air......sharing with one another... passing back and forth each treasure we found... watching him... enjoy each scent... curious as to what it was... i watched him bite the end of a leaf... then describe the flavor... we told each other short meaningless stories... smiling...laughing.... i wanted to touch his face...i wanted to hold his hand.... i watched him....walk aimlessly ....from one flower...to the next... rarely walking side by side... he was always going some direction that seemed to be calling him.... sometimes following him... and others...following my own calling.....never getting too far apart... he was child like... the way he soaked everything in...appreciating the methodically stacked rocks...creating walls...or terracing the hilly landscape...the flowers blooming....the bushes and shrubs...wanting to know what this was or that was...taking time...real time...to smell...the roses... see the colors....appreciate the beauty of the last day of summer....

break through!!!

yesterday...was one of those days...i didn't feel like doing much of anything.. the under current of desire to get something done...was there as always...but the desire was not nearly as strong as the desire...to just sit quiet.... and listen... to look...and see all that surrounded me....
it's been at least two years since i have sat in my backyard... it used to be a place of entertaining... friends and family....a beautiful garden...grows wild now..filled with all sorts of foreign flowering weeds... doesn't seem to bother the butterflies...dancing about with great delight... pollination... summer into fall...comes again...
spending at least two hours...back here...with my lucy girl... and ollie cat...who i might add gave me quite the scare yesterday... you see...i have had oliver...for nearly 16 years... he was a gift to me from my sons...just after my westy...mcduff passed... anyway...ollie has not left this back yard for at least 5 months... he's getting old and his wild nights out...have come to an end... always...pawing at the back door and making his normal meow sound...which i have become quite familiar with...is "feed me".... anyway... he was no where to be seen or found yesterday... i walked the back yard... calling out his name... his food bowl was still full from the last feeding... needless to say...my heart began to swell...tears filling my eyes... if i found him...not moving...i knew...there is no way i could handle it... i even walked through the yard next door... searching... for my old gray cat... around 5:30...during my return to my back yard... i decided to search again...however this time the butterflies guided me... they kept dancing about just over one area in the overgrown garden... so i slowly walked over...looking through not wanting to see what i thought i might...which i did...there he lay...motionless... i said his name repeatedly...ollie...ollie... oh ollie...and the tears... came...oh ollie..no...please please get up... nothing... still he lay motionless... i had already called my sons to let them know...what i suspected.... to prepare them just in case... so when i called yesterday evening they were both quick to answer...knowing why......telling them both i found ollie...and he was gone.... crying.... and crying...
i knew what i had to do... so i got up...and went back to the place he laid so peacefully.... and upon approaching him...he lifted his head...and began that ever so familiar ollie stretch... he came out of hiding... sat himself right in the light of the sun...illuminating his gray coat... immediately i called my sons...... he's alive.... they cheered... with happiness...
upon this.... almost loss of life...i began to look around me at all the beauty in my back yard... the late afternoon...sun...warm and bright.... i realized how blessed i am... looking at the new leaf standing tall on the banana tree...and the new sprout coming up next to it... the palm tree...revived from all the rain...the colors of red...purple...green yellow...intoxicated me...
returning to the back yard....i had turned my back on...too many memories...of love...family... are here...right here... it was a break through for me...to sit here alone...appreciating...all that surrounded.... let it be...mother mary said to me....
i feel it is now time... i am ready to let go...to move on... to flourish...to open that new chapter of my life... to welcome... whatever it is...that is coming to me... whatever it is...that is here now... with me..

love lost...love found...!!!

will love ever happen to me again? the past few days it seems everyone is talking love...relationships... showing signs of longing... or new found yummies...!!!
perhaps it is the winter months approaching... holidays around the corner... the onset of hibernation... cuddling by the fire...while the snow falls from the heavens...
i don't think about love or relationships much these days... until someone brings it up... then suddenly i get lost in this lack of desire to find love... which scares the hell out of me.... honestly it does.... i would rather want to want a love partner...to share my life with...than to not want...
yesterday... while riding around with a man friend... he talked of love... and relationships... resolving himself to some Buddhist philosophy.... which i still don't get... why bother seem to be the jest of it... however... humans aren't made that way... humans... animals... require something other than itself to procreate... to live harmoniously... we all need the basics... maslow's pyramid... rising to self actualization... i'm no expert... however... to think i could survive this life without others is flat out ridiculous.... i need... i desire...i enjoy...i adore...companionship on so many levels... whether it's a brief encounter with a former student...shouting my name from his car while driving down the street...or riding around with mikeC's in his mini van... or a conversation with an old friend... or just laying around watching a movie with my sons... i can't imagine life without other people... last night... i stepped out for a bit...to meet a girl friend...for a glass of wine...she had met a man a few days earlier... which by shear coincidence i sat down right next to him...and started up a little conversation... as the evening progressed... i could see the love stars dancing in my friends eyes...she was absolutely giddy... adorable...to me... watching her...feeling her energy... brought me the sweetest joy... in a way...i felt envy... envy for her and the way she sparkled...envy that i just don't feel that stuff... why can't i feel it.... ? the thought of being in a relationship...is just that...a thought... nothing more... even lately when a man...makes his move...i look at him and almost laugh...saying to myself..."are you serious?" then walk away... to have someone...in my life...means i have to reveal myself.... to share me with them... taking the risk of that person... using me as a weapon... it's happened so many times...they want... they conquer...they leave...
so it is... love lost...love found...will i ever find love again?

fair people!!!

i spent most of wednesday...painting my living room... taking advantage of the day light... having the windows open... the cool indian summer breeze... not easy for me to be inside on days like these... around 2:30 i felt i had reached a stopping point before i could move on to the next step... took a shower... scrubbing and scrubbing my paint splatter body... never quite getting all the paint off my skin... threw on a cute little sun dress and the ever so reliable flip flops... my summer shoe of choice... jumped in the car and went to meet a friend at the GREAT STATE FAIR OF OKLAHOMA!!!
this was no ordinary visit to the fair... for me anyway... i was met at gate 10... on the west side of the fair grounds... near the old 89er's baseball field... my friend was driving a golf cart... i jumped in...feeling quite special....crossed my legs....and enjoyed the ride...weaving our way through the many motorized wheel chairs... apparently it was senior citizen day... i've become accustom to these types of wheel chair drivers...from trips to Wal Mart... usually driven by obese people... loading up with boxes and boxes of non nutritional items... well... the fair wheel chair people were pretty much the same... fat lazy people... who refuse to walk about... but then... why walk when you can park right next to the building/gate and be airlifted to the entrance... then plopped right into a luxurious cushion seated power chair... with a handy basket for shopping... my friend took me back stage where the fair has nightly concerts... not much going on...everything was ready for the elvis impersonators....dining that evening.... so my friend... and i walked around the fair... you see for me the fair is a big thing... a childhood memory... of great family fun... my dad was the kid of the family the night he and mom would take the 4 of us to the fair...back then 5 bucks would be more than enough cash for an entire day at the fair...actually it was kind of hard to spend 5 whole dollars at the fair... games were a quarter...corn dogs a quarter... rides a quarter... candy apples...a quarter.... anyway..my purpose now is one thing and only one thing.... i gotta have me some corn dog.... which i did... we then walked through the midway... chatting and people watching...however this time... i felt like i was the person people were watching.... everyone staring at me... like my zipper was open or something....men and women alike.... some even rubber necked it...what's up with that...?
the longest line i saw yesterday.... was at the cinnamon roll stand... double lines extending about 20 feet long....short for the cinnamon roll stand.... every single person in the line... was 200+ pounds...and that was on the light side of things... needless to say...the fair doesn't bring me as much joy as it did when i was a kid... however it does bring back some wonderful memories... i actually spent most of my time...back stage...drinking bottles of water....and chatting with the stage crew... so if you are heading out to the fair... wear good sturdy shoes.... and take lots and lots of money....and if need....a motorized wheel chair...seems to be the trend these days...ha!

September 30th 1998

i remember sitting on the deck, just outside my bedroom in a condominium at hefner village... praying for a house...i could see the front of the house... lots of trees a large front porch... thinking... i needed to find a house right now... i needed to give my 30 day notice..by the 1st of october... impossible right!!!
A few days later... i was at the red cup...late afternoon...it had to have been a wednesday or thursday... those were the two days of the week my sons were at their fathers....and i always went to the cup for grown up conversation...with georgeO, claudeA, johnL and a few others... danny lay wore a wig at that time... and would sit alone..but close enough to be a part of the conversation... anyway.. we were inside on this afternoon...when i looked up...and my dear friend keven came rolling in..with this determined look on his face...smiling...he came right up to me...saying "i have been looking everywhere for you...i have found you a house".... my response was "WHAT" we jumped in keven's car and he took me to the house... driving through a less than desirable neighborhood (i refer to as crystal heights).... i looked at keven... and said...no way am i living over here... he laughed and said just wait... you have to see this house.... as we approached it... the front of the house looked so familiar to me... why i had no idea...never ever being on this street before... we went inside... and the second i walked in...i felt at home... i saw the boys and i living in this house... within a week...i owned it... the house i now live in became our home..... taylor and leighton were 13 and 10.... still young enough to enjoy the whole moving thing...it would have no impact on their lives other than we would now have a yard...they would have their own bedrooms...we would have a home we could call our own!!!
yesterday...10 years later... i listed my house... with a realtor.. an old friend... she came over and we sat on my bed... all the other furniture is stack in the sun room..while the living room is being painted.... signing and initialing several documents.... stating this and that... the house i once called home... no longer feels like home... it was as easy as 1 2 3... my sons and i have so many memories here... wonderful memories... interestingly i have zero emotional attachment to this house... i should have done this a year ago...for some reason...i'm still here and now...it's time.. it's time to move on...
i have been asked several times...where will you go... laughing to myself..,quietly...thinking does it really matter where i go..... ? the truth is i have no idea where this road is leading me... no idea where i am going...or how i'm getting there... all i know is it's time... it's time to hit that road... the long ryde home...
today...i pray for a family... to buy this home... to live and laugh...celebrate holidays... and let this house...be a home to a wonderful family...again!!!

a true friend....

what is a true friend? is it someone that is there no matter what...someone who allows you to be who you are... to say hey you..what the "f" are you thinking or is it someone... who does not stand in judgment...and just lets you mess up everything....
i wish...i could explain the way my brain works...i wish...it were as simple as ABC...but it's not... it's this complex twisted up...messed up brain...that sits underneath a pile of blond locks... thinking non stop...constantly...going and going...
the past few days...my heart has ached... my mind spinning in circles... lost in this crazy mixed up place i have somehow landed.... someone i have trusted with my deepest thoughts... the things i never tell a soul..has turned their back on me.... i don't know if this is permanent...but i do know it is now...and it hurts like hell...
my friend would not answer my phone calls...nor respond to my emails...finally i drove around to find this friend... to find out...why... my friend told me a reason... and explained that they needed some time... however...this friends reason was about someone else and their behavior... if this is the case then why am i the one being ignored... so is it really the other persons behavior the reason or is it ...i have disappointed my friend... ? have i caused this friend pain...and hurt.. have i let this person down...?
the truth is...i think i disappointed my friend... i think my friend is upset with me...it's the only thing that makes sense.... why would my dearest friend on the planet... let someone they don't even know upset them... especially knowing my friend as well as i do...
i didn't mean to cause undo hurt..disappointment..or lack of trust... i don't expect this friend to fix my life... i just want my friend to be my friend... to accept me and believe in me...to know that i would never intentionally hurt them... i suppose there is no tao for me to turn to... when the hurt is so big... because it is all actually nothing right? another day...another struggle...another disappointment...
i love my friend... more than one could ever imagine... and life with this friend ....is so so much better than without...
please please forgive me....

things happen in 3's....

the saying... "things happen in 3's" has haunted me for years... the first time i heard these words was from my mother... she had this way of letting me know....you better prepare yourself for more...because it always comes in 3's... a few years ago.. within a month...my xterra was stolen... lightening struck a tree causing it to fall on my jeep...then 4 days later...i was in a car wreck... ha!!! that year i must admit...3's came every few weeks for me... i'm starting to think my life is one big 3...over and over again... is this my karma for life...is there no end to the 3's... ?
yesterday...my son came home from stillwater... to take care of me while i was heaving the day away...splitting headache...the flu bug strikes... while channel surfing... an advertisement came on the television... 3 cd's...of spiritual songs... first amy grant..the oddest thing is...my son new the lyrics to each song played... not just one or two but every song... the last song was "god is in control" i looked at him...and said..."god is in control" and i think i'm his greatest joke... i don't think god likes me very much... i seem to screw up everything... i mean everything... not intentional...but it always seems to turn out the same way... sorry kelley you lose...again...and again...and again...here we go with the 3's... i'm sure people must think i'm irresponsible or crazy...but it's not that...it's more that for some reason that deck of cards i was handed...the innate ability to make things..also comes the innate ability to sabotage everything in my life... perhaps it is...years and years of abuse... of knowing i'm gonna lose anyway...i just go ahead and set it up to lose... why bother right... at the same time...i never ever give up... somehow...i find this strength inside..to forge ahead... to keep trying to make a difference...however now i have come to this pivotal point in my life... i don't know where i'm going... or how to get there... lost in this life of nothingness... friday morning... i woke up... feeling empowered and wanting to find a job...a new career... so i began researching... jobs...online... realizing i needed a resume... for a whole day...i felt...there was hope...by the end of the day... everything changed... and my hope...fell into the hands of the loser again... another thing to fix...another fuck up...another sabotage..another gut wrenching...angst... do i do this on purpose? why on earth would anyone make their lives so miserable... so difficult... ? i suppose i am god's greatest joke...
i've always thought things happen for a reason... you know the whole thing when something comes to an end...leaving us feeling hopeless... suddenly out of the blue..an angel appears and life changes...for the better... i keep thinking that some day...this magical angel will appear...and teach me...how to stop making a mess of things... today...i pray for a miracle...can't hurt right.... even though i feel like the most worthless human being on this planet...i'm not ready to give up... next time things come in 3's...i hope they are good things...3 good things.. all in a row....

the tao in the art of things....

in this life.... we are all handed our own little deck of cards.... how we play them... is another story.... my deck is this bazaar innate ability to make things... even as a child i would sit alone....for hours and hours making things.... i used to think.... i did this because of the constant pain i lived with...in and out of hospitals... another surgery... another hospital... another city... another night....another lighted parking lot.....looking out the picture window... at the emptiness....the lined asphalt... wondering...why am i here... alone again in this strange... cold place... as a child.... the pain was so big... so constant... never ever ending... the only comfort...i found was in the art of things...
i've never considered myself a great artist... or for that matter a master of anything... on the other hand...there isn't much i can't do... with respect to making things... the one constant in my life... has been the ability to transform one thing into another... a yard of fabric into a dress...a plate of steel into a piece of furniture....a collection of cereal boxes into a castle... a lump of clay into a vessel... etc... lately my medium of choice has been landscaping... playing in the dirt... laying rock...planting flowers, shrubs and trees... strategically placing each... a balancing act of color... height...width... shade or sun... getting lost... in this project... literally time passes and i have no idea where it went... there is the beginning... which is getting all the tools and materials needed to begin the work... then the process.... into the end... the end...sometimes is premeditated... sometimes not... the beginning and the end...are always the same...aware of each moment.... it's the middle... that is different every time.... it is while i'm involved with the actual creation ... my mind... my body...my heart... become one.... there is this place...i go...some would call the "zone" where space or time do not exist... getting lost in the art of things... it's like being asleep...wide awake... i used to refer to my art as an energy inside of me...something that's been manifesting for years...and one day it's ready to escape me... become tangible... who knows where this comes from...or why... it just does... interestingly...when i have completed the project...the art... i am no longer a part of it... the only time i am is while i am building it... there have been several occasions when a piece of work has caught my eye... walking upon it...not recognizing it as mine...then suddenly realizing... i made that... that's my work... seems impossible...but true...
another lesson in tao...ism 101... my friend described the tao in the art of things... it is now... i have a tiny grasp on tao...ism... tiny... however one step closer....i think...maybe not...maybe now i'm more confused than ever...

perfectly lost!!!

how is it... when i go home i don't feel i'm at home...but i feel it is the place i need to retreat... a paradox... a lesson in taoism... more confused than ever... in an effort to understand a friend...and his beliefs... to create an entry way into his place of solitude... a fence and a gate... asking him certain questions... simple one word answers...and to my surprise i find that the tao is nothing... no matter how you approach it...reconcile it... understand it... there is nothing... while he was describing his understanding and knowledge of taoism... i found myself lost in the galaxy... floating about in this endless sky...of nothing... saying to him... this feels bigger than the galaxy... a thought which has overwhelmed me my entire life....even as a little girl laying under the night sky...the stars...trying to imagine how far away they are... how this earth is so small in comparison....that the universe...is endless... there is no cap...no lid...no ceiling... it just goes on and on and on...
when there is nothing....at the same time there is everything... i know this makes absolutely no sense... nor does it even solidify in my mind... so with the tao... is there a belief or an acceptance? how is it one can believe in absolutely NOTHING? i asked my friend if this is so..."the tao is nothing then there can be no teaching of the tao..." he described books and scriptures"...regarding the tao.. but it still went back to the same thing....NOTHING... within every experience...every moment lies a paradox... of action and nothingness... this all makes me wonder if the tao exists in everything... we cannot create it... it just happens... like that of emptiness... the soul rests..the heart gives up... the actions of the day... are just that and have no meaning... sitting about...or moving about either way...with nothingness there is emptiness.... this scares the shit out of me... to feel absolutely nothing... the more thought i put into this tao....ism... the more "perfectly lost" i feel... if there is really nothing... then there would be no reaction to every action... there would be no grief...no happiness...no laughter... no tears... there would be no feeling one way or the other...because there is NOTHING...
within this... i find a contradiction... when i see my friend...splurging... buying material things...and this childlike happiness engulfs him... as he rips open the boxes... like a kid Christmas morning... there is more than nothing in this moment... he finds happiness in objects... and more objects... inanimate possessions... bring him happiness... so is happiness nothing? here i go again... lost in the tao...ism of nothingness... can an inanimate object fill one with happiness...? he says he seeks nothingness...but he does everything to create the opposite... with objects comes... responsibility... with objects...possessions...we create a world of something... something to hold onto...to bring us pleasure... whether it be a gadget... an animal... a friend...or a flower... the something in all of this....to me is more than nothing... is it not?
a few years ago... i remember feeling nothing...reaching out to a friend... a self proclaimed shaman... he offered to take me on a "soul journey"... upon arriving at his home... he lead me up a dimly lighted narrow stairwell...to a room... a studio type space... he pulled out a wooden chair...turned it toward the east...he motioned me to sit... and asked me to close my eyes... he sat behind me and began to hum... a quiet...melodic hum... like the gods were singing to me... i could feel his touch on the back of my neck... a soft... relaxing...calming touch... in the distance....i saw an eagle flying toward me...surrounded by blue sky ... the eagle flew right up to my left eye....then flew right by me...i turned my head following it as it descended into nothingness... a few minutes later... the shaman asked me to lay beside him on a mat stretched across the wooden floor.. ankles...knees and shoulders touching... the sound of drumming...my heart beating... soothed me into a peaceful hypnotic state... during this...journey... i found myself on a beach... the ocean on the west side...the mountains on the east... and a fire 10 times my size... blazing up into the night sky... i began to dance around the fire...my body moving unlike it had ever moved....my sons came to dance with me...twirling about...in circles around the fire...laughing...holding onto one another.... i could feel behind me... a shadow...dancing with us... a shadow of a man... following me...as my body purged a dark energy.... letting go.... the next thing i knew...i was standing at the edge of the universe... the night sky filled with millions and millions of twinkling stars... stretching out my arms...breathing deep... over and over....wanting to suck into me...this majestic... magnificent... moment... feeling for what seemed like hours but only seconds...this feeling of wholeness... this complete feeling of light and love... illuminated by the night sky...stars...shining upon me... was this... nothingness... ?
it is.. the tao of things... confuses me... if there is nothing...then why at all do we exist... ?

friday...again...

friday morning..... the days seem to all mesh together lately... finding out wednesday night it was actually wednesday...thinking the entire day it was thursday... so here we are friday again... reading 3 horoscopes already... today apparently is gonna be a rough ryde... and then there is this romance thing... i'm supposed to meet some yummy intriguing sexy possible love interest ... i'm really laughing now...!!! my sons are always telling me... "mom you just won't meet a man in oklahoma" i'm starting to think they are right... perhaps that's why "i'm just not feelin it"... the words of the horoscope gods... have completely confused me... do i want a man in my life...or do i not? damn it..... i have plenty of men in my life... mostly friends and my sons... my beautiful amazing sons...i have watched them become men... what a wonderful summer it was... just after the 4th of july... my oldest son came to spend a few days with me....which turned into 6 or 7 weeks... during this time... i learned a great deal about him....things that never occurred to me... the hurt the sadness...his strength and frustrations... lingering from his childhood... as he spoke of his childhood i would feel my heart swell with sadness...the tears of his pain would emerge in my eyes... he revealed things to me...i had no idea... he told me of his anger towards his father... his fathers inability to be a father... and at the same time his ability as a provider... these words poured from his lips... with such passion... he went on to say... most people should not be allowed to be parents... they should have to have a license to do so... people should plan ahead... and how he would never ever bring a child into this world...or ever marry... is this what divorce does to people...or is this what step families do to people... ? he talked of how horrible the holidays were...every year... awful...for my sons... hearing this while sitting at "classen grill" having breakfast... looking around the room hoping no one would see the tears in my eyes... the tears rolling down my cheeks as my son spoke of the many awful holidays... and how he could care less about them...
how does one respond to this... i sat and listened... feeling every word as if it were some energy seeping inside me... i did respond... i didn't know... i tried so hard to make the holidays special... for both of them... the thing is... as a parent we make mistakes... we don't always get it right... and we are growing at the same time they are growing...changing day to day...learning how to adapt.... making sure there is food in the fridge... a roof over their head... running water... all the basics... as well...being there for them...day in and day out... trying my best to NEVER let them down... i suppose that's a bit idealistic... and as life would have it... i did let them down...more than once... from all of this... i learned... something so very special...something so very important... my sons trust me... they believe in me... and love me!!!
the boy i knew for so many years... has become a man... in his own right... still seeing him as my little boy... i now see him through new eyes... grown old... my sons are two of the most wonderful... magical... creative... inspiring... thoughtful... kind...loving people i have ever known...

it is a long ryde...home!!! discovering so many things over the past year... strength...endurance... truth... how to be alone... i mean really alone... love of self... how to say NO... and mean it... knowing when to walk away... remembering...mom really does know best!!!

mom really does know best... somehow they feel it...see it...know it before it ever happens... warning signs go up... i heard the words... but did not listen ... mistake #1... recently having an experience...of betrayal and hurt... i have heard my mothers words repeated over and over in my head... she warned me...so many times... it makes me wonder how many other times...she knew and i didn't listen...

the same above situation... told me when to walk away... cut your losses... stand up... smile and say good bye... with as much grace and dignity as possible... walking away... just because... is one thing... but quite another when when faced with an important life decision... i've heard that just before you die... your life flashes before you... well when faced with a real life decision...the same sort of thing occurs... almost every moment of that relationship flashes before you and with great wisdom...or divine interaction...comes a definite summation... several months maybe years of your life.... are summed up in two words... "walk away"... and with this comes some magical... powerful... feeling of greatness... for just a moment... strength engulfs you... of course later you break completely down... and cry your fucking eyes out for hours...!!!

learning how to say NO... is a tough one... you know the guys on the street corners with their signs..."will work for food" i'm a sucker for that... okay... i can't help myself... the only way i don't give them a buck or so...is to look away or like i'm doing something in my car... pretending they are invisible... OH MY .... there are still door to door vacuum salesmen... one just stopped by my house... he was good.... but not good enough...NO sorry...not buying it!!! okay i know that's weak...but there are other things...with some significance... No i won't be treated like that... or No you will not speak to me like that... oh now those are big...ha! i just know NO is a good thing...

here we are at "love of self" ... some may disagree with this... however in my defense... i am more happy with myself than i have ever been in my life... i like the way i look... i love the way i can go anywhere and do anything... with me... i even dress up for me... i know i don't have a lot... and my life is so not secure... but it is... at the same time... while some wish to sit on a porch and watch the days go by... without a worry in the world... i find this happiness in the life i have... there is nothing at all secure about my life... which can be somewhat scary... but... i love that i can weld... plant beautiful gardens... build things...sew things... i can dress up and feel beautiful...or throw on some baggy work clothes... i love that it's more than okay to be me.... however...in all honesty..that's being challenged right now...way bruised ego... i won't go there..but it's definitely... blurple...(purple and blue)

with "love of self" comes my favorite..."how to be alone" someone should have warned me about this one... i have it figured out now... i like it...but damn...getting here was a messed up ryde... i loved more than anything...being a MOM... last august when my baby moved away... my life changed at that very moment... i knew it was coming... but i had no idea... how hard and fast it was coming... solution to this being alone.... i became a regular at a local bar... nice!!! always home by 10 or 11... the people there became my night family... only seeing them in the bar... chatting away about all sorts of things.. ed.. and his knowledge... he really intrigues me... it's always some science thing...or book... then there are the guys...who agree with everything...you say... hell they even finish your sentences for you... the bartenders...depending on the night and who is tending bar... the three conversation choices are... sex... baseball... toys... if anyone reading this goes to the same bar...you will know which is which... occasionally there will be a drop in...oh and if you want some "funny" Lance is always full of some crazy story... or life adventure... he's sharing with everyone...only to find out later... he didn't remember telling the story... by nights end... i have had my dose of family...and home i go... i suppose adopting a bar family isn't really being alone... is it... life alone becomes this sort of habit... like it would be nice to have someone... but where would he sleep... i know i have a king size bed... i do... but it's my bed... before i became an empty nest mom...i was all about getting hooked up... for some reason... i'm just not feelin it... i think i suffer from some sort of male A.D.D. these days anyway... rub on me one more minute and i'm gonna kick your ass... i'm kidding.. but really get on with it... see this is what happens when you get all cozy with being alone...

did someone say...strength...endurance and truth... this will be short and sweet... hearing the truth takes strength...living the truth takes endurance... one thing i have been handed in this life...is some strength... the higher power... bestowed upon me... strength...thank you!!!