how is it... when i go home i don't feel i'm at home...but i feel it is the place i need to retreat... a paradox... a lesson in taoism... more confused than ever... in an effort to understand a friend...and his beliefs... to create an entry way into his place of solitude... a fence and a gate... asking him certain questions... simple one word answers...and to my surprise i find that the tao is nothing... no matter how you approach it...reconcile it... understand it... there is nothing... while he was describing his understanding and knowledge of taoism... i found myself lost in the galaxy... floating about in this endless sky...of nothing... saying to him... this feels bigger than the galaxy... a thought which has overwhelmed me my entire life....even as a little girl laying under the night sky...the stars...trying to imagine how far away they are... how this earth is so small in comparison....that the universe...is endless... there is no cap...no lid...no ceiling... it just goes on and on and on...
when there is nothing....at the same time there is everything... i know this makes absolutely no sense... nor does it even solidify in my mind... so with the tao... is there a belief or an acceptance? how is it one can believe in absolutely NOTHING? i asked my friend if this is so..."the tao is nothing then there can be no teaching of the tao..." he described books and scriptures"...regarding the tao.. but it still went back to the same thing....NOTHING... within every experience...every moment lies a paradox... of action and nothingness... this all makes me wonder if the tao exists in everything... we cannot create it... it just happens... like that of emptiness... the soul rests..the heart gives up... the actions of the day... are just that and have no meaning... sitting about...or moving about either way...with nothingness there is emptiness.... this scares the shit out of me... to feel absolutely nothing... the more thought i put into this tao....ism... the more "perfectly lost" i feel... if there is really nothing... then there would be no reaction to every action... there would be no grief...no happiness...no laughter... no tears... there would be no feeling one way or the other...because there is NOTHING...
within this... i find a contradiction... when i see my friend...splurging... buying material things...and this childlike happiness engulfs him... as he rips open the boxes... like a kid Christmas morning... there is more than nothing in this moment... he finds happiness in objects... and more objects... inanimate possessions... bring him happiness... so is happiness nothing? here i go again... lost in the tao...ism of nothingness... can an inanimate object fill one with happiness...? he says he seeks nothingness...but he does everything to create the opposite... with objects comes... responsibility... with objects...possessions...we create a world of something... something to hold onto...to bring us pleasure... whether it be a gadget... an animal... a friend...or a flower... the something in all of this....to me is more than nothing... is it not?
a few years ago... i remember feeling nothing...reaching out to a friend... a self proclaimed shaman... he offered to take me on a "soul journey"... upon arriving at his home... he lead me up a dimly lighted narrow stairwell...to a room... a studio type space... he pulled out a wooden chair...turned it toward the east...he motioned me to sit... and asked me to close my eyes... he sat behind me and began to hum... a quiet...melodic hum... like the gods were singing to me... i could feel his touch on the back of my neck... a soft... relaxing...calming touch... in the distance....i saw an eagle flying toward me...surrounded by blue sky ... the eagle flew right up to my left eye....then flew right by me...i turned my head following it as it descended into nothingness... a few minutes later... the shaman asked me to lay beside him on a mat stretched across the wooden floor.. ankles...knees and shoulders touching... the sound of drumming...my heart beating... soothed me into a peaceful hypnotic state... during this...journey... i found myself on a beach... the ocean on the west side...the mountains on the east... and a fire 10 times my size... blazing up into the night sky... i began to dance around the fire...my body moving unlike it had ever moved....my sons came to dance with me...twirling about...in circles around the fire...laughing...holding onto one another.... i could feel behind me... a shadow...dancing with us... a shadow of a man... following me...as my body purged a dark energy.... letting go.... the next thing i knew...i was standing at the edge of the universe... the night sky filled with millions and millions of twinkling stars... stretching out my arms...breathing deep... over and over....wanting to suck into me...this majestic... magnificent... moment... feeling for what seemed like hours but only seconds...this feeling of wholeness... this complete feeling of light and love... illuminated by the night sky...stars...shining upon me... was this... nothingness... ?
it is.. the tao of things... confuses me... if there is nothing...then why at all do we exist... ?
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There is a difference between happiness and pleasure. Material objects bring pleasure, but pleasure is fleeting.
Happiness does not come from material objects, but from within. As I've said before I don't consider myself to have happiness, but I do have contentment.
And a lot of material objects. But as you know, I needed that second gong.
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