monday.....

for the past several days... i've not been feeling well... constant ache in the middle of my gut... sometimes so intense...i double over...tears of pain... flow from my eyes...and the only relief...is in the scream.... screeching from my lips... oh god make this go away.... from day to night...waking in sweats... exhausted from lack of sleep... it comes and goes... 24/7...
yesterday... was no better... but i worked through it... painting and painting the walls of my downstairs... thinking that the more i move about...the more focused i am on something else... the less i will notice the pain... late in the day... early evening...i had run out of paint... measured every inch of the kitchen... for base boards... crown molding...hard board... and trim... making a list of all the things needed... including... more paint...trim nails... adhesive... grout... etc...
the smell of fresh paint is nice for a short while...but soon it becomes... overwhelming... the fumes... causing a slight headache...i'm not complaining...really...it's just i don't like pain of any kind... taking a minute to check my emails... finding a few from close relatives...republican relatives.... sending articles about palin... comparing her to Roosevelt...."are you serious?" please... spare me...
the late afternoon air was calling to me...take time to enjoy a little fresh air...the fly infested patio of sauced is where i landed....running into a few friends... chatting away... and then...i had this absolutely beautiful experience.... lars has returned to us from northern california... visiting for a few weeks.... the last time i saw her was several months ago... when baby irie was still being carried about in her baby sling...strapped across lars belly.... so tiny you could hardly find her wrapped within the gauze like fabric... the moment i laid my eyes upon this child... my heart blossomed...i saw an angel... walking about in her bright blue crocks... shocked by my own response to this child... i couldn't take my eyes off of her... her curiosity... her angelic moves... her need to explore every person...every inch of the patio...her mother never letting irie get to far away... talking to her.... guiding her... i spent two hours playing with this angel...holding her... taking her for walks... rolling back and forth some funky little toy... the night had fallen...and it was time for me to go... irie reached out her arms over and over again for me to hold her... she didn't want me to leave... i didn't want to leave her...
where did this come from...?
lately...being exposed to another child...close to the same age...i am completely and totally annoyed...irritated... the minute i see the ginormous monster truck roll up to the red cup... all i want to do is leave... this is the amusing thing to me... lar's is a single mother... living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere... she has dreadlocks... she smells of earth scents... she talks of trees and the redwood forest... she is the most beautiful...adoring...attentive mother.... and at the same time...the monster truck mom...has a husband... has family... has lots of money... has all the conveniences of life and she is without a doubt one of the most selfish mothers i have ever seen in my life... i among many others get upset watching this child unattended child...while she runs toward the street or the parking lot...her mother sitting eating her perfectly prepared bagel with cream cheese... and not paying a bit of attention to this child...others are expected to do so... the perfect little princess monster truck mom...could certainly use some lessons from the mother...of the forest... the difference is amazing... which tells me one thing... you don't have to have big trucks...you don't have to have a husband...you don't have to live in a great new home... to be a good parent... what you need is love... strength... selflessness.... and the realization that your child is just that your child... not the responsibility of everyone else...