what is a true friend? is it someone that is there no matter what...someone who allows you to be who you are... to say hey you..what the "f" are you thinking or is it someone... who does not stand in judgment...and just lets you mess up everything....
i wish...i could explain the way my brain works...i wish...it were as simple as ABC...but it's not... it's this complex twisted up...messed up brain...that sits underneath a pile of blond locks... thinking non stop...constantly...going and going...
the past few days...my heart has ached... my mind spinning in circles... lost in this crazy mixed up place i have somehow landed.... someone i have trusted with my deepest thoughts... the things i never tell a soul..has turned their back on me.... i don't know if this is permanent...but i do know it is now...and it hurts like hell...
my friend would not answer my phone calls...nor respond to my emails...finally i drove around to find this friend... to find out...why... my friend told me a reason... and explained that they needed some time... however...this friends reason was about someone else and their behavior... if this is the case then why am i the one being ignored... so is it really the other persons behavior the reason or is it ...i have disappointed my friend... ? have i caused this friend pain...and hurt.. have i let this person down...?
the truth is...i think i disappointed my friend... i think my friend is upset with me...it's the only thing that makes sense.... why would my dearest friend on the planet... let someone they don't even know upset them... especially knowing my friend as well as i do...
i didn't mean to cause undo hurt..disappointment..or lack of trust... i don't expect this friend to fix my life... i just want my friend to be my friend... to accept me and believe in me...to know that i would never intentionally hurt them... i suppose there is no tao for me to turn to... when the hurt is so big... because it is all actually nothing right? another day...another struggle...another disappointment...
i love my friend... more than one could ever imagine... and life with this friend ....is so so much better than without...
please please forgive me....
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