love lost...love found...!!!

will love ever happen to me again? the past few days it seems everyone is talking love...relationships... showing signs of longing... or new found yummies...!!!
perhaps it is the winter months approaching... holidays around the corner... the onset of hibernation... cuddling by the fire...while the snow falls from the heavens...
i don't think about love or relationships much these days... until someone brings it up... then suddenly i get lost in this lack of desire to find love... which scares the hell out of me.... honestly it does.... i would rather want to want a love partner...to share my life with...than to not want...
yesterday... while riding around with a man friend... he talked of love... and relationships... resolving himself to some Buddhist philosophy.... which i still don't get... why bother seem to be the jest of it... however... humans aren't made that way... humans... animals... require something other than itself to procreate... to live harmoniously... we all need the basics... maslow's pyramid... rising to self actualization... i'm no expert... however... to think i could survive this life without others is flat out ridiculous.... i need... i desire...i enjoy...i adore...companionship on so many levels... whether it's a brief encounter with a former student...shouting my name from his car while driving down the street...or riding around with mikeC's in his mini van... or a conversation with an old friend... or just laying around watching a movie with my sons... i can't imagine life without other people... last night... i stepped out for a bit...to meet a girl friend...for a glass of wine...she had met a man a few days earlier... which by shear coincidence i sat down right next to him...and started up a little conversation... as the evening progressed... i could see the love stars dancing in my friends eyes...she was absolutely giddy... adorable...to me... watching her...feeling her energy... brought me the sweetest joy... in a way...i felt envy... envy for her and the way she sparkled...envy that i just don't feel that stuff... why can't i feel it.... ? the thought of being in a relationship...is just that...a thought... nothing more... even lately when a man...makes his move...i look at him and almost laugh...saying to myself..."are you serious?" then walk away... to have someone...in my life...means i have to reveal myself.... to share me with them... taking the risk of that person... using me as a weapon... it's happened so many times...they want... they conquer...they leave...
so it is... love lost...love found...will i ever find love again?