break through!!!

yesterday...was one of those days...i didn't feel like doing much of anything.. the under current of desire to get something done...was there as always...but the desire was not nearly as strong as the desire...to just sit quiet.... and listen... to look...and see all that surrounded me....
it's been at least two years since i have sat in my backyard... it used to be a place of entertaining... friends and family....a beautiful garden...grows wild now..filled with all sorts of foreign flowering weeds... doesn't seem to bother the butterflies...dancing about with great delight... pollination... summer into fall...comes again...
spending at least two hours...back here...with my lucy girl... and ollie cat...who i might add gave me quite the scare yesterday... you see...i have had oliver...for nearly 16 years... he was a gift to me from my sons...just after my westy...mcduff passed... anyway...ollie has not left this back yard for at least 5 months... he's getting old and his wild nights out...have come to an end... always...pawing at the back door and making his normal meow sound...which i have become quite familiar with...is "feed me".... anyway... he was no where to be seen or found yesterday... i walked the back yard... calling out his name... his food bowl was still full from the last feeding... needless to say...my heart began to swell...tears filling my eyes... if i found him...not moving...i knew...there is no way i could handle it... i even walked through the yard next door... searching... for my old gray cat... around 5:30...during my return to my back yard... i decided to search again...however this time the butterflies guided me... they kept dancing about just over one area in the overgrown garden... so i slowly walked over...looking through not wanting to see what i thought i might...which i did...there he lay...motionless... i said his name repeatedly...ollie...ollie... oh ollie...and the tears... came...oh ollie..no...please please get up... nothing... still he lay motionless... i had already called my sons to let them know...what i suspected.... to prepare them just in case... so when i called yesterday evening they were both quick to answer...knowing why......telling them both i found ollie...and he was gone.... crying.... and crying...
i knew what i had to do... so i got up...and went back to the place he laid so peacefully.... and upon approaching him...he lifted his head...and began that ever so familiar ollie stretch... he came out of hiding... sat himself right in the light of the sun...illuminating his gray coat... immediately i called my sons...... he's alive.... they cheered... with happiness...
upon this.... almost loss of life...i began to look around me at all the beauty in my back yard... the late afternoon...sun...warm and bright.... i realized how blessed i am... looking at the new leaf standing tall on the banana tree...and the new sprout coming up next to it... the palm tree...revived from all the rain...the colors of red...purple...green yellow...intoxicated me...
returning to the back yard....i had turned my back on...too many memories...of love...family... are here...right here... it was a break through for me...to sit here alone...appreciating...all that surrounded.... let it be...mother mary said to me....
i feel it is now time... i am ready to let go...to move on... to flourish...to open that new chapter of my life... to welcome... whatever it is...that is coming to me... whatever it is...that is here now... with me..