things happen in 3's....

the saying... "things happen in 3's" has haunted me for years... the first time i heard these words was from my mother... she had this way of letting me know....you better prepare yourself for more...because it always comes in 3's... a few years ago.. within a month...my xterra was stolen... lightening struck a tree causing it to fall on my jeep...then 4 days later...i was in a car wreck... ha!!! that year i must admit...3's came every few weeks for me... i'm starting to think my life is one big 3...over and over again... is this my karma for life...is there no end to the 3's... ?
yesterday...my son came home from stillwater... to take care of me while i was heaving the day away...splitting headache...the flu bug strikes... while channel surfing... an advertisement came on the television... 3 cd's...of spiritual songs... first amy grant..the oddest thing is...my son new the lyrics to each song played... not just one or two but every song... the last song was "god is in control" i looked at him...and said..."god is in control" and i think i'm his greatest joke... i don't think god likes me very much... i seem to screw up everything... i mean everything... not intentional...but it always seems to turn out the same way... sorry kelley you lose...again...and again...and again...here we go with the 3's... i'm sure people must think i'm irresponsible or crazy...but it's not that...it's more that for some reason that deck of cards i was handed...the innate ability to make things..also comes the innate ability to sabotage everything in my life... perhaps it is...years and years of abuse... of knowing i'm gonna lose anyway...i just go ahead and set it up to lose... why bother right... at the same time...i never ever give up... somehow...i find this strength inside..to forge ahead... to keep trying to make a difference...however now i have come to this pivotal point in my life... i don't know where i'm going... or how to get there... lost in this life of nothingness... friday morning... i woke up... feeling empowered and wanting to find a job...a new career... so i began researching... jobs...online... realizing i needed a resume... for a whole day...i felt...there was hope...by the end of the day... everything changed... and my hope...fell into the hands of the loser again... another thing to fix...another fuck up...another sabotage..another gut wrenching...angst... do i do this on purpose? why on earth would anyone make their lives so miserable... so difficult... ? i suppose i am god's greatest joke...
i've always thought things happen for a reason... you know the whole thing when something comes to an end...leaving us feeling hopeless... suddenly out of the blue..an angel appears and life changes...for the better... i keep thinking that some day...this magical angel will appear...and teach me...how to stop making a mess of things... today...i pray for a miracle...can't hurt right.... even though i feel like the most worthless human being on this planet...i'm not ready to give up... next time things come in 3's...i hope they are good things...3 good things.. all in a row....