friday...again...

friday morning..... the days seem to all mesh together lately... finding out wednesday night it was actually wednesday...thinking the entire day it was thursday... so here we are friday again... reading 3 horoscopes already... today apparently is gonna be a rough ryde... and then there is this romance thing... i'm supposed to meet some yummy intriguing sexy possible love interest ... i'm really laughing now...!!! my sons are always telling me... "mom you just won't meet a man in oklahoma" i'm starting to think they are right... perhaps that's why "i'm just not feelin it"... the words of the horoscope gods... have completely confused me... do i want a man in my life...or do i not? damn it..... i have plenty of men in my life... mostly friends and my sons... my beautiful amazing sons...i have watched them become men... what a wonderful summer it was... just after the 4th of july... my oldest son came to spend a few days with me....which turned into 6 or 7 weeks... during this time... i learned a great deal about him....things that never occurred to me... the hurt the sadness...his strength and frustrations... lingering from his childhood... as he spoke of his childhood i would feel my heart swell with sadness...the tears of his pain would emerge in my eyes... he revealed things to me...i had no idea... he told me of his anger towards his father... his fathers inability to be a father... and at the same time his ability as a provider... these words poured from his lips... with such passion... he went on to say... most people should not be allowed to be parents... they should have to have a license to do so... people should plan ahead... and how he would never ever bring a child into this world...or ever marry... is this what divorce does to people...or is this what step families do to people... ? he talked of how horrible the holidays were...every year... awful...for my sons... hearing this while sitting at "classen grill" having breakfast... looking around the room hoping no one would see the tears in my eyes... the tears rolling down my cheeks as my son spoke of the many awful holidays... and how he could care less about them...
how does one respond to this... i sat and listened... feeling every word as if it were some energy seeping inside me... i did respond... i didn't know... i tried so hard to make the holidays special... for both of them... the thing is... as a parent we make mistakes... we don't always get it right... and we are growing at the same time they are growing...changing day to day...learning how to adapt.... making sure there is food in the fridge... a roof over their head... running water... all the basics... as well...being there for them...day in and day out... trying my best to NEVER let them down... i suppose that's a bit idealistic... and as life would have it... i did let them down...more than once... from all of this... i learned... something so very special...something so very important... my sons trust me... they believe in me... and love me!!!
the boy i knew for so many years... has become a man... in his own right... still seeing him as my little boy... i now see him through new eyes... grown old... my sons are two of the most wonderful... magical... creative... inspiring... thoughtful... kind...loving people i have ever known...