resolutions....

every year i say...i don't do new year resolutions...and every year...i do....ha!!! don't remember whether or not i have recorded them...i'm sure if i read through my journals i would find a few.... this year...however...i am dedicating 2009...with great enthusiasm... deliberate intent....to happiness...love....wealth...and abundance... in my life....

happy new year....

thank you for this day... the love and light that surrounds me....thank you for my sons... my friends and family... thank you for my beautiful home...my wonderful car...my lucy girl and ollie cat...for the strength and courage to make changes in my life.... thank you for my amazing job... thank you for my dreams coming true....thank you for a wonderful...new year... hello 2009... goodbye 2008... thank you for each and every miracle...each and everyday... thank you for my cozy purple velvet bed.... my warm house...the hot shower...i get to take...thank you for a safe drive east today....thank you for this amazing....beautiful life...thank you...thank you thank you... thank you..thank you.... this is going to be the best year ever....

the end...is near....

of a rather quiet year... the year...i turned 50...a rite of passage..... i like to think of this last year as a time of reflection....a time of rebirth... a year i discovered...a great many things about myself... while i have struggled financially...i have grown leaps and bounds emotionally... mentally... finding comfort in the tiniest things... the healing power of laughter...of gratitude... the ability to live alone...finding true friendship in the most unlikely places...

it has been... a year filled with triumphant moments.... a year filled with loss... a year filled with dreams...and disappointments.... accepting...and realizing... the most rewarding has been my sons.... the men they have become... they are truly the light of my life... for me...there is nothing better than being in the company...of my sons..... those two guys...are always full with surprises... they are my greatest gift....ever.... they are my unconditional love....!!!

another...wonderful experience presented itself last night.... there have been many changes occurring in my life lately... healthy...positive changes... perhaps that's what 2008 has been all about...awakening...and it has taken this entire year...to finally get here... anyway... a few years ago...a woman told me... that all artist are depressed suffering people..the only good art comes from darkness... of course i argued with her...telling her...not my art... i cannot create when i'm depressed or sad... many times right after my father passed away... people would tell me to re-channel this sadness into my art... couldn't do it....for me to create...i must be happy... i must feel alive...and love... well....last night...the boys were out doing their thing...just me...ollie and lucy....hanging out here...and suddenly... i got this desire to make something... so i went to the hardware store...bought a can of propane... and some gummy worms... came home...got out my jewelry making tools.... sitting on the floor...surrounded with yummy litttle trinkets to play with.... to reinvent... i began...twisting and bending the wire... soldering... it all came back to me...like riding a bike... it's been so long...since i have had this desire... it's been so long since i have sat alone and created just for the sake of creating.... i made 3 little pendants...of sterling... and had a blast... so it is...that flame...flickering into a ginormous fire of happiness...is happening... it's not just my imagination.... it's really really happening... the hope...the gratitude...the love... it's all here...ready to explode...into something incredible...something magnificent...

even this morning...i had one of those knowings... one of those... i better get things ready...because it's coming...it's just around the corner... always before...when these messages come... they have been true... so whatever it is...i am ready...and i am grateful.. and i am excited...

thank you...for this year of reflection...of growth..and accepting... for understanding...for this new found strength...for my beautiful sons...my beautiful friends...my beautiful new life... thank you for each and every second that has brought me to this place....this perfect...beautiful place...

last night....

i met cristin for a glass of wine at the deep fork.... it felt good to get out for a while... go some place other than the paseo... i put on a little eye shadow.... mascara... powdered my cheeks with a soft mauve blusher... my hair....long...wavey..and a bit clumpy from...lack of brushing.... i felt pretty... for the first time in a very long time...i felt pretty....

the past two years....my self image has been controlled by three years of abuse... november 16, 2006...i woke up... and decided...i could no longer...live with his abuse...i could no longer... be made a fool...i could no longer... be criticized... ridiculed...i could no longer...hear how i'm no good... so i sent him a dear john email..."i'm done" the first few weeks after... i felt strong... liberated...free... and then...it hit...the reality of his abuse...took over...consumed me...i wanted to become invisible....i didn't want anyone to look at me... no one would ever do that to me again.... you see....there was nothing...not one single thing about me...physically...artistically... emotionally...mentally... professionally.... he did not say something ugly about.... three years...every single day... he would lash upon me his ugly tongue...beating me down...to nothing.... almost daily he would tell me how i have no self confidence...i have a low self esteem....suck your gut in....tell me to shut up...in front of people...roll his eyes... my lips are too thin... your facial structure is...this or that... you need to change this you need to change that...... he used and abused...until he had sucked every ounce of life from me.... how does this happen...? how....? slowly.... it begins... the first time the words are uttered...it becomes...easier and easier...until it is a way of life...sucked in... no escape.... who am i.... ?

as i've tried to move on... his words..his abuse has haunted me.... when i feel...a little strength building inside...his face would appear...his mouth would open...and the words... the lies.. the criticism...would knock me back down.... this is my secret...revealed... i suppose i should feel lucky he never struck me... sometimes i think it would have been easier...had he...left a physical mark... instead of the deep hidden slices....the cuts and bruises that are never seen... the sadness behind...the eyes... the heart..shattered... the knowing.... someone...treating another human being...with such hate...and anger... has lingered...much to long.... this is my confession... i'm tired of holding onto this...i'm tired of it controlling me... i'm tired of feeling no good.... i'm tired of remembering...his ugly words...his constant... abuse....

something...is happening...inside me... a glowing light... warming my heart... the old me returning... finally... it's time to move on...leave it behind...and begin living again... feeling hope... feeling like there is so much life to live... a life that no one can take away from me... it's been too many days...too many weeks and months...of remembering... the one constant...i have held onto...is that this had to have some purpose....i went to that place of darkness for a reason... i was to learn something... i'm still not quite sure...what the lesson was...or is... however... for the first time...in two years...i feel like i'm alive again... i feel like i can love again...and let another love me... this is remarkable...truly remarkable.... to have the smile...of possibility growing...inside... i see beautiful things...ahead of me.....a rebirth...an energy..filled with hope... perhaps it is... the gratitude...taking time to give thanks.... recognizing...all the wonderful things in my life the wonderful people...in my life...the friends i have... the love they share...the caring..the kindness... i have been blessed... with more than i ever dreamed... finding strength... in the love of my friends.... the kindness of my friends... the hugs...and smiles... i am most grateful to you all...who have seen me...when i couldn't....who have believed in me...when i couldn't... i do feel it is your strength...that has renewed mine....

it's crazy....the way i feel...this love....flame...flickering into a ginormous fire...of happiness... it is... finally time...to put to rest...the past...the days of darkness.... the time has arrived for my life... to be lived... again...

so on this monday...december 29th...2008... i say goodbye... to that old...way...that ugly thing... that has kept me...from believing in me.... that...nasty bald man....filled with so much hate... i release you...from me... i let you go...far away from me.... i say goodbye...finally....forever... and ever...

oh i feel so good...so happy...so strong....so ready to fall in love...for my dreams to come true... find my heart....whole... is this really happening.... it must be....daily...it gets stronger and stronger... like something magnificent is getting ready to happen.... something beautiful is growing like wild flowers...spreading over the landscape of my life.... rearranging... renewing... starting over... let it grow...let it grow...

thank you...for this freedom...thank you for my beautiful friends... a special thank you to mikeC..... your friendship... my surrogate brother.... my kindred spirit... you mean the world to me.... and forever...i will cherish... you...
thank you for the abundance in my life....for all my dreams coming true...for my new life... the realization...i am finally free....for my beautiful sons... for the ability to accept....and welcome... the love... and light...that surrounds me... thank you for this magical day that lies ahead... filled with every possibility...every....opportunity...thank you....

i'm so over this...

flu bug... damn it's got a hold of me... i last about 10 minutes...then back to bed... oh how... i wish i had a pill that made me feel like me again... a magical pill... to make this flu bug go far far away... seriously...just typing this...has zapped my energy.... i did take a bath today....whew...much need bath...!! i know TMI....

wishing everyone a wonderful week filled with much holiday cheer...loved ones...lots of presents...joy and happiness!! Merry Merry Christmas....!!!!

love and light to all

same day....

new findings.... all this funk...is a result of the flu...yep that's right... 100 degrees temp... head feels like an alien is having a party that i wasn't invited to.... no energy... feel like poopookaka... leighton ran to the store...purchased some cold remedies...or temporary relief... hot cold...hot cold... sniffle sniffle... oh...this is most unpleasant....leighton finally took leave....which i welcomed...not that i don't enjoy him around... i just don't want him to get this...nasty poopookaka...

now i know why i splurged on a box of puffs plus... i must have had some knowing that soon i would need them...

yesterday.... a friend...

asked me if... i was on anti-depressants...? replying no...i'm not... after about 15 minutes....i asked him why did you ask me... if i was taking anti-depressants...? he explained why.... (his story to tell...not mine)... my metaphorical entry yesterday... hit close to home with my friend... not to mention his concern for me... and my well being... i told him later....i'm not depressed...just realistic... right now...my reality... is less than desirable...

when there are constantly no results to my efforts...it's hard...it's hard to believe in anything... it's hard to see past my current reality... the thought of disappointing my sons...is almost more than i can take... seeing the disappointment on my sons faces is the absolute worst feeling... i have ever experienced.... i just can't fail them...i just can't... and i feel like i am...

drastic situations...take drastic measures... "it's the most wonderful time of the year" the song comes on again....

i spent a large portion of the day...working at mikeC's house... completing his closet... hanging new racks... trying to find... studs to hang the 8 supports on... pretty funny.... by the last two i finally had it down...transferred...the clothes hanging on the free standing rack in the hall to his new and improved closet... holy shit does he have a lot of clothes... i even met...the ex wife....not at all what i imagined...however...mike had described her...on more than one occasion...it was still a surprise...

i ended up spending the evening with leighton... both of us tired for much different reasons... just after dinner we dozed off... waking around 10... movie marathon time... we laughed.. and chatted... he had overheard my phone call yesterday morning...so he was a bit more mama attentive than normal... it's now 2:30 a.m.... we're wide awake...another movie getting ready to start...both wanting desperately to sleep... he says... you know what you need mom... is a "joe black" aka...a man in your life.... this too took me by surprise... leighton has always been extremely possessive of me... not to mention protective.... i asked him a few qualification questions... which we agreed on... this is huge... really huge... my baby... wants me to have love in my life... for the last 15 years he's pretty much despised every man i have ever had in my life...only two has he cared much for... leo... and then a guy i saw for a few months in the summer of 07...

it's a new day...and after giving thanks for my health... i wake with my head all stopped up.... slight headache from pressure build up... no energy...and very little sleep... thank you... thank you... for this wonderful day... another day in paradise as some would say... make believe... pretend... lose track of what's real....thank you for my sons... for my beautiful sons... thank you for making their lives better...and for their dreams coming true...thank you thank you...thank you for my new life... for my new beautiful life...

thank you for

taking this life away....thank you for taking this life away...thank you for taking this life away... repeat repeat... wet roads.... foggy drive north....riding shotgun...staring... out the window... the country side...lays dormant...gray and misty... rolling hills....branches bare.... thank you for taking this life away.... repeat...repeat... arriving in stillwater... car loaded with boxes and paper for packing... an extra heater...to warm the tiny duplex...

life changes...constantly...without warning it hits... plans...for a better tomorrow... only to find... tomorrow is the same... no move west... another semester in school... another dream...interrupted... the bad guy wins again.... thank you for taking this life away....repeat...repeat...

in a dream awake....hwy 33... 4:30 pm... 70 mphs....staring out the window.... the country side lays dormant....gray and misty...rolling hills...branches bare....the door opens....falling from the car....body flying through the air... hitting the asphalt...sliding... rolling over and over ... plunging into guard rails... spinning...spinning...slower...slower.... mangled..... blood ridden.... broken body....lays lifeless.... thank you for taking this life away...repeat repeat...

momentary lapse of reason...

tired from the disappointment.... tired from all the shit.... tired of pretending everything is okay.... tired of believing my dreams will come true... wanting so....to throw in the towel... give up... just give up....

the truth is... with each day...my life gets worse... the shit is piling up...mountain size... i don't know how to fix it...i don't know where to turn... i give up... i quit...

so today i say thank you.... thank you for the strength to let go... the strength to do what i need to make a difference...thank you for giving me this day... my sons...my friends who i love dearly...my family... thank you for fulfilling their dreams and mine.... thank you for this mornings horizon just before sunrise...the ever so beautiful oklahoma...orange magenta...sky... thank you for this holiday season...time with my sons.... thank you for the ability to see the truth... thank you for all the disappointment... thank you...for the struggle...the heartbreak...for this day that lies ahead... thank you for possibility... thank you for the abundance...in my life... for my health...for believing....thank you....

warming up.....

yesterday....afternoon i stopped by my house...to pick up some art supplies...for a project i was working on..... expecting to walk into the cold house i had left 5 hours earlier...to my surprise...it was toasty warm..... taylor and leighton had picked up some firewood and kept a fire blazing all day..... then... i noticed a new heater and blurted out.... "you guys bought a heater" so excited.... then taylor said NO... no...i went to get something out of my car...and when i came back..i saw this box (pointing to the box behind him) on the front porch....santa had been by and left a brand new ultra something...extra quiet heater....OMG...... i so love being warm....with all my heart...thank you santa... thank you...so so much...

i'm loving this holiday season... merry merry to all....

adding to...the twist....

to this amazing life of mine... it's so cold outside.... it's pretty damn cold in my house too... the heater in the living room blew last week... i'm guessing it might be 50 degrees in here...not bad.. considering...what it's like outside... i'm all bundled up...nestled under layers and layers of blankets... my head wrapped in a velvet scarf....wishing i had a pair of gloves.... the tank top...sweater and fleece jacket are helping some..... just my fingers and nose...exposed to the cold... the window next to my bed... leaks a bit...letting the cold air in... contemplating a fire in the fire place... oh...but it's too cold to get out of this cozy warm bed of mine...

i didn't realize how being so cold can make you so tired.... sleepy feeling... my eyes blink in slow motion....lingering closed...then reopen...... this is fucking crazy.... why am i so happy....even more crazy...don't ya think...

a few weeks ago...when i thought to myself.... i can't imagine living another 20 years... having to do this for another 20 years... it makes no sense... the struggles are much to great...the lack... much to sparse... so...i have to put it in the right perspective... i do have so much more than many... but i've never had this little in my entire life... i've never been cold....i just don't want to live the rest of my life like this... oddly... others who have so much more...are not nearly as happy with this life... they don't seem to see the fruit on the trees... the stars in the sky...the love that surrounds them... and they have so so much to be grateful for... the warm house they live in...the food they eat....the hellos from friends and strangers.... the kindness of so many who reach out...and show them how much they care... they have so so much... to live for...

i don't know the answers...but i do know...that somehow somewhere...the strength comes... nothing last forever... and change is always happening... always it comes... i know that there is still so much more to live for... so much more...to experience... so much love out there....

today...i give thanks for warmth...for this cozy warm bed...my home...my beautiful sons... my family... my friends.... i give thanks for the new heater that comes to me today...the hot shower i get to take... for all the wonderful experiences... i get to have....for the 5 bucks in my pocket... thank you for this day... this beautiful ...tuesday... for all the magical miracles...of this life... for believing in all the possibilities....anything is possible... thank you... for this holiday season...this time when we get to give ..... the smile... on the face of another... thank for the laughter of children... the phone call from a friend....and the love that surrounds me...
merry merry....to all..and to all...lots of love and light...

putting things into

perspective...a different twist on my life... the other day...a friend...said something to me... which resonated deep in my soul.....he said the exact words i had said to myself only a week or so before "i can't imagine living another 20 years..... doing this for another 20 years...." suddenly i found myself responding with....what the hell are you talking about....? shocked by his words...as if he had already given up....he didn't want to do this anymore... i knew....exactly what he meant....however my response was much different than i expected.... encouraging my friend... telling him... he is gonna be around for a long time...

he has made life choices...that free him of the normal daily life routines.... he retired early... and has absolutely no desire to work... or do anything else for that matter...

i on the other hand do... i have an incredible desire...to work...and do whatever i can to make a difference in my life....and the lives of others... i pray for a job...that requires my mind to exercise everyday... a job that requires my full attention... a job...that fills me up with passion... motivation... and ambition... i am so ready... to have a place to go everyday....routine... earning a living...paying my bills... having money to buy groceries...and gas for my car... to get a new pair of shoes if i like... and more than anything a purpose... a real reason to get up everyday....

so on this magical monday...i give thanks...for the job of my dreams...our christmas tree...decorated with lights and ornaments... for the success of the ride4warmth bike race...and all the donations... from the community...and the generous sponsors.... i give thanks for my cozy warm bed...and the new heater... to keep my house warm...for the lovely day that lies ahead... for the love that surrounds me... for my family and friends....thank you for all the beauty in my life...the magical moments... the miracles...small and big...the money to pay my bills...and buy christmas gifts for all those i love... thank you for this wonderful holiday season....

love and light...to all..and may the spirit of the holidays fill you up with glorious magical moments to cherish always.....

i find myself...wanting to say

something profound..wanting to feel something profound...the enlightenment... which mikeC explains is no different than learning to ride a bike....interestingly....in my life time....i have known hundreds of people who have learned to ride bikes...but i have been in the presence of only one...only one enlightened being.... an incredible experience i might add...... so if the two are equally the same...then why such a discrepancy... perhaps it is...one enlightened being is the same as hundreds and hundreds...maybe even thousands of people... doing something much much less thoughtful....something that requires very little focus... collectively they become one ginormous profound being.... one = thousands and thousands.... perhaps it is... mikeC is right..... no matter what we do today....has no impact....this is our one and only...beginning and final destination.... we are truly nothing more than matter....dust particles... a science project... that everything is nothing.... we are nothing....

am i stupid... or something...am i just some fucked up person.... who doesn't get it... it's not that i refuse...to believe this... it's just...it is incomplete...it doesn't make any sense ....in my mind.... my heart....perhaps it is until you have had near death experiences...until you have experienced the impossible...then perhaps you cannot see beyond...that which limits you... that which keeps you...bound to your skin....to your science.... the need to free yourself of the physical self.... seems to me...no different than that of spirit....of love...of the true essence of what and why we exist in the first place....

if it is....this is it...then why bother... why bother to do shit... why not just sit around and do nothing.... why try and make a difference for our children...why bother to save the planet... or save the dying species.... because it just doesn't matter.... we are nothing...and within that nothingness...is emptiness....

i suppose we all have to live and believe that which brings us comfort... i can say...i choose to believe...there is something more...but it's not a choice...for me... i do understand the science of things... that's easy... it's much more difficult to believe or see outside of our physical self... to see beyond that which we hold onto... bottom line...is love... if i did have a choice....it would be love... over nothingness...emptiness... it would be....to believe...that i didn't just get born one day... give birth to my sons...then we just die... and that's that...

i've always...wondered how people can be so finite...that they don't feel or see the possibilities... that there is so much more than the physical self....however i am starting to understand...why... it's like a shield...a protection... that to believe there is more... is much to painful... it is much to freeing... it is.... they limit themselves to a life of nothing... of emptiness.... to protect themselves...

okay...now i'm really confused....

on a better note....today is the ride4warmth bike race.... hoping for a good show of riders racers...and spectators....

so on this day...i give thanks for all those who take time out of their day...to make a difference in the lives of others.... i give thanks for my sons...and my family and friends...for this amazing holiday season... for all the beauty and wonder in my life... thank you for the christmas tree...i dream of... for the abundance...in my life...for the new heater i need to keep my house warm... thank you for this incredible day...filled with magic and miracles.... thank you...for all the love and light...that surrounds me..that fills me up with hope...

once upon a time....

there lived a girl.... with long blond hair... blue green eyes... she loved so much her closet full of clothes....her jewelry box full with diamonds and gold... her big beautiful home..... her luxurious car...... she never ever lacked for anything...whatever she wanted she could have... always enough food to eat... never a worry....a life of plenty...
however in this life of plenty....there was one thing missing...one essential element...missing...

so....one day...she decided to go......walking away from her life of plenty.... she packed her bags... and off she went.... saying goodbye...to all her beautiful possessions... the life she thought she wanted...the life she had dreamed of...so many times as a child.... the perfect story book life... from rags to riches...

this is my story.... a story of strength and endurance...a story...of love and passion.... a beautiful magical story....

i have never regretted walking away...that day... i had wanted to for years...6 to be exact... for so long....i was much to afraid...afraid of what people would say....of what my family would do...would they turn their backs...would they choose him...over me....

when we become someone... other than ourselves to please another.... we lose... we lose our sense of self... our identity... we lose our purpose... our passion... we lose....everything that really matters....

one day... i woke up....and couldn't find me anywhere near me... i had become silent...i had become...what i thought he wanted me to.....the perfect stepford wife.... with the perfect hair...the perfect clothes... the perfect car...the perfect friends.... the perfect house.... the perfect children... the perfect husband... but within all this perfectness.... there was me... deep inside...buried...underneath years of covering up....there i was.... hiding... wanting desperately to be me.....

in the beginning.... it was like being a child... a whole new world had just opened it's doors to me..... a world i had never ever seen or known before.... everything felt like my first kiss.... the tingle...the sensation.... the rush..... 34 felt like being 18 again....

the day i woke up.... the day that set me free..... was an ordinary day in the spring of 1992... i had gone to the student union at UCO....to join some friends for coffee and conversation... i was the only woman... sitting among 6 men....ages ranging from 18 to 35... we were discussing art... all of us being students of art....studying art...creating art... these discussions were quite frequent...however this one... this particular one...changed my life forever.... it was the moment when....i began to speak......and all the men....stopped their chatter....silence fell...and all 6 of those men...looked at me....they listened to me... they acknowledged me....for the first time in my entire life.....i knew i was being heard.... i had never ever known that feeling.... i had no idea how incredible it could feel...to have a voice.... that was the single most powerful moment of my life... it was like....i had been imprisoned within my own skin...since birth....and suddenly.... i was free... i was truly free....

some say...i left my husband for another.... not true... i left my husband....in search of me... in search of love of self of a higher purpose...spirit..... for many years after leaving david.... i believed...had i stayed... i wouldn't be alive today....

yesterday afternoon....i had drinks with the man...that everyone thought i left david for.... he too believed i had... for all these years...he's been holding onto guilt... a silent guilt... i looked at him.... eye to eye... telling him no...no...i didn't leave him for you.... you were a bonus...and perhaps gave me the strength...to do what i had to do.....but no.... it wasn't you...it was me.... i loved scott... i still do.....aways will....but he is married...while he tells me of his love for me ... all i can think of is his wife... does she know... i believe yes... she must at some level... perhaps not to the intensity that he feels it....but she knows.... telling him... she comes first... i will never be the wife to you...she is and always will be.... thank god... i have this incredibly powerful love of sisterhood....a true respect for the union of marriage...for her.... he and she...belong together...and it is not mine...to take away... nor could i...would i... as i love him.... i love more that he has her.... she has him... and she... is his wife...

what is today.... oh yes saturday...sensational saturday.... on this day... i give thanks... for this journey...long ryde home.....for the magic of the holiday season... for the strength.....to pursue my dreams...for the sense of self...i discovered long ago...for the voice i have... the possibilities... i give thanks for the love of others.. and the love i get to give back...without condition...without strings....just pure...beautiful...glowing...love... i give thanks for my sons....my friends.... for Val Harbison... who i get to see today.... thank you for the abundance in my life...the struggles that have brought me to this place...
thank you for the lack...of plenty... and for the plentiful....for the once upon a time.... and the once upon a future.....feeling the light of love....warming my heart... my soul...my spirit... i am truly blessed....truly

fruitful friday.....

today...is my grandmother thelma's birthday.... even though she died when i was 9.... i remember her so well... my mother's mother... a sweet woman... with deep dark red hair... glasses... she died at age 57....young... to think that she was only 7 years older than i am now is hard to believe.... my mother has a collection of newspaper clippings... with pictures of my grandmother in her early days.... when they were of the elite in oklahoma city...and tulsa...oil people.... photographs of her at social functions... a beautiful smile.... on her face... wearing a fashionable hat...a mink coat... or gorgeous gown... sparkling jewelry.... strings of pearls around her neck.... the clippings have long since yellowed...the paper brittle... a history of my families legacy in this city.... my mother doesn't talk much about those days...but every now and then... she pulls out the old family albums.... sharing memories....of her childhood....pictures... telling stories...

family traditions are those things...we carry with us throughout our life time... as long as i can remember.... the morrison family decorated the christmas tree on my grandmother's birthday... our tree was always blue and silver...ornaments dating back to the 30's... elaborate baubles... of glass glazed in silver blue... the tree would be purchased two or three days prior to decorating... my mother insisted...the branches needed to fall... after being bundled up with string for days and days... the decorating was always an event... not to mention all the other holiday decorations hung or displayed throughout our home....the tiny little christmas village on the mantle... a christmas castle...made of cereal boxes and oatmeal cartons.... covered with shiny wrapping paper.... our home was a christmas paradise.... i couldn't wait...to start the decorating... oh how i loved that little christmas village....

dad...always strung the blue lights...the replaceable bulb kind...before....the four of us....would begin...hanging the ornaments.... mom ... guiding us.... helping us get it just right...no no...the big ones go on the bottom....the small ones near the top.... silver slivers of mylar...icicles...were hung last... all of us given a small amount.... jumping up and down...tossing the icicles......watching them fall feather like.... shimmering ....shiny... onto the tree... the sound of christmas music....playing in the background... cookies and cakes.... special holiday drinks.. laughing... and singing... all evening long... after all the decorations were hung... the overhead lights would go out...we would sit.... quietly...staring...at this incredible masterpiece...blue illumination....sparkling shimmering...memories...anticipation... each of us...in our own little dream...of what santa will bring....

i don't have a tree to decorate tonight...oh how i wish i did... the ornaments have been stored in the attic for a few years now... didn't have a tree last year either... i didn't care about the holidays...until the boys came home....then one night...i got out all the lights...and began...stringing them about the house...the walls became our tree.... the entire room shined bright with holiday lights....we called it our ghetto christmas....no packages...no ornaments...just lights.... for some reason we all seemed to take great joy in this... finding some sort of humor in the fact that we didn't have a tree...but we had our lighted living room... it was perfect....

i suppose the meaning of christmas....is what we make of it... we can choose to ignore it...or we can embrace it...welcome the spirit of the holidays.... it doesn't take much really.... all you need is a little love.... a little smile... a string of lights... and...to believe anything is possible...

on this day.... fruitful friday...i give thanks for the memories..... for the day that awaits me... the possibilities...all my dreams coming true... our beautiful christmas tree... packages waiting to be unwrapped....my sons coming home for the holidays... my wonderful life... my beautiful friends... my family...for each and every miracle of each and every day..... wishing you all... a magical fruitful friday....

thankful thursday....

thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you!!! the instructions for thankful thursday... are...and i quote....to be thankful for everything... and to repeat...thank you seven times...over and over...throughout the day....

i'm not feeling so happy today... the dear john letter... is getting me down a bit... sucks really... i tried to make light of it...but the truth is... i will miss him... i enjoyed him... i liked him...more than i expected... he brought into my life...something quite beautiful... sure there were a few not so pleasant moments... however... there were many more wonderful moments...than not so good ones... i suppose it's better now than later... there were differences... one that cannot be ignored... his desire for children... other than that... they were more social...

i've never been very good at the breaking up part of a relationship... i know why... it's because those i choose to have in my life...i feel them deep in my heart... i feel a connection...beyond this earth...something i cannot explain... perhaps it is love... perhaps not... all i know is when it's there... it's there...and i can do nothing...to change it... just let it...fill me up...and enjoy...

this day...there are many more pressing things i must deal with... things that are more monetary...more immediate... not sure...how it will turn out... the god's honest truth is... i need a miracle... a huge...miracle... when it rains it pours... not just a nice little spring shower...but one of those... ginormous...down pours...with wind blowing... lightening striking...thunder roaring... it's not like i don't try... because i do... i really do... there are things...in this life...that just don't make sense to me...things i'm not so good at... which seem to always overshadow those things that i am good at... i used to think that being a good person... doing what i can to help others... never ever asking for much... not blaming others for my heartaches...accepting responsibility...for my mistakes...will somehow... protect me... but the hard cold truth is... good people always...always come in last... we are the ones...the world tramples on...yells at... blames... go to great lengths to hurt...we are the ones...that cry..wondering what we did wrong...why does this hurt so fucking bad... why... can i not ever seem to get it right.... i suppose it's just my calling in life...

this is not a feel sorry for kelley...woe is me.....it's a reality...i must accept and live with... sometimes i want to give up...call it quits... throw in the towel... today... is one of those days...because no matter how thankful i am....how good i am.... i can't for the life of me...figure out...how to fix the mess i'm now in... today...will prove to be my final demise...or my greatest success... today....i will stand in the light of love...and with all my heart...give thanks...for all that i do have....for all the beauty that surrounds me... for a miracle....the miracle that will change my life...forever....

so with this sad heart of mine... the knowledge and belief in possibility...miracles...i give thanks... for whatever...comes to me today....for this life i live...for the christmas tree...that sits quietly... lighted and decorated in my mind...my incredible imagination.....

thank you....thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you....

wonderful wednesday....

this is my favorite day of the week... for a really silly reason...i was born on a wednesday..... at 6:55 a.m....february 26th 1958..... long time ago...but in the scheme of things...not that long ago...

mikeC came over for dinner last night... i was a bit worried he wouldn't come out from under his new extra soft fuzzy red blanket... but he did... i actually learned some things about him.... things that took me by surprise...and at the same time... made perfect sense...

as all of us...there are so many beautiful..wonderful aspects...elements....of our lives.... some.... difficult for me to understand...others come quite naturally... mikeC....has become...a very dear friend to me... more than one could ever expect a friend to be.... i don't think in my life...i have ever had a friend...quite like him... it's funny to watch others respond to our chatter...the way we talk to one another... some... it offends...others have this look of "what" on their faces..... we have our own little place in this world...that no one else...fits into... i am most grateful for this friendship... for mikeC... he is an amazing man... an amazing human being... thank you... for coming into my life....and giving me the gift of your kindness...your understanding... your insight....your knowledge...your perspective...and experiences....

well it came... the expected dear john letter.... "glad we can still be friends..." sugar coated with lots of kind words... a nice... let me down easy letter...via email... my favorite actually.... just for the record...i have a great deal of wonderful qualities... i suppose another thank you is in order...

so while i light another cigarette... take another sip of coffee...plan my day... so much to do... i realize...nothing has changed... to speak of... the clouds are gone...the sun is out... lucy is laying next to me...i still have bills to pay.... my bed to make...a shower to take... errands to run... a life to live... crazy...how one day....someone is there...and the next not...and everything is still the same.... maybe today... something wonderful will happen....i will win the lottery... my true love will walk up and grab my hand...look into my eyes...and we will stand in silence...no words... just feel the thing we've both been missing our entire lives...the love...we've searched high and low for... oh...wake up already... slap slap...pinch pinch... i think i just got lost in a happily ever after fairy tale.... i was actually wearing a beautiful white gown... bows in my hair.... glass slippers on my feet... oh...and little blue birds...fluttering about....whistling...beautiful love songs...

okay...really i'm sad...i liked him...he was cozy...and warm...he is a beautiful man... and i am grateful....no really i am grateful...especially to have had lots of great...incredible...wow.... sex with him...oh no....okay...i did just say that... he was good... one of those lovers... that....got it right every time.... i will miss that...okay...i'm being honest here....a good lover is hard to beat...ha!!! you all know exactly what i'm talking about... i know you know.... this is the problem i have.... i seem to equate... sex with love... for sex to be really good.... for me...there has to be a connection...deeper than the skin... there is this freedom...that exists... the perfect dance... no thought...the innate primal... raw... wild... sweaty... dance... that is so rare...so incredibly exhausting... it feels like part of you... it feels like the missing link... an extension of your own body... moving together...with such sweet...intensity...such passion... you never ever want it to end... holy shit....i'm getting all worked up...ha!!!

i need another cigarette.... puff puff....goes the weasel... oh wait...that's the magic dragon...

so here i am... alone... not lonely... i have a smile on my face... the wonderful feeling of gratitude... of a new day... all the wonderful...beautiful people in my life...the things i have...the abundance... the miracles... the realization of how blessed i am...the warmth in my home....the hot shower...i'm getting ready to enjoy... the food in my belly.... my sons coming home today... the smile on my face.... the successes and failures of my life... the love that surrounds me.... the magic... of this moment... life is truly amazing... thank you... thank you...thank you....

wishing you all... a day of gratitude...of happiness...of success...and love...lighted with possibility....

terrific tuesday...

is here.... thank you ...thank you... i need to get my ace in gear and get out of this cozy bed....i do have things to do today... my mind seems to be heavy with thoughts of yesterday... trying to come to terms...with a bit of emotional drama... the shit...actually took me by surprise...and had a huge impact on my day... dragging me into a place of darkness... words...do have this way...of lingering... for weeks.... months... sometimes years... the old saying..."sticks and stones may break my bones...but words can never hurt me"...is the biggest pile of shit..i have ever heard... the thing is...bones heal..but words...they last a life time.... so... i think today...i will be grateful for all the kind words....in the dictionary... random acts of kindness... my friends.... my beautiful wonderful friends... for john long... a man...i adore... my sons... who always have a way of irritating me and making me laugh at the same time... the dinner i had with mikeC last night....wine and chili... who knew...!!! the dinner...i get to cook for him tonight... a good ole kelley meal....only a few have had the opportunity to enjoy... my sons and their friends... that's about it....no worries mikeC...i don't know how to cook buffalo... nor do i want to know how to cook it....

my christmas lights are still on...from last night...hoping for snow...and a christmas tree... building a fire in the fireplace....a cup of hot chocolate...with whip cream and chocolate sprinkles.... a kiss... and a cuddle... but that apparently is out of the question...my love life...seems to have again... come to an abrupt halt...for reasons.... that make no sense to me..but hey...that's life right... he was much to young for me anyway...damn cradle robber...i did it again...oh you naughty girl... hey baby....wanna come home with mama....i so didn't do that...did i...? i sure know how to pick em.... okay...the truth is...for the most part is was fun while it lasted.... i'm so so glad...i'm not 30ish anymore...god was it that difficult...did i suffer from so much angst...? did i turn trivial things into momumental issues....i'm thinking the answer is probably ....yes... in my defense...i did have a few distractions...during my 30's... two ...being my sons... the majority of my time...my 30's...was focused on those two wonderful boys of mine...still is..to be honest....

on this day.... i read my affirmation for the week...of abundance.... it's ever so exciting... to have the insight of gratitude.... the ability to see...past the struggles of my day to day life...and see what i do have in my life... i have so so so much to be grateful for... and i'll be damned if someone else is going to take it away from me... like right now...i have a smile... so perfect...so sincere... it's coming up from inside of me....an upside down rainbow... oh..i love so much christmas music... where's the radio....

have a beautiful day...everyone... kissing you...hugging you....sending you love and light... and a magical day...filled with wonderful surprises.... joy....and happiness.... if i'm lucky ... a christmas tree...will come to me today...a beautiful....green lovely christmas tree.... before my son moves away...we can decorate it together... the three of us.... what a wonderful thought... what a wonderful memory... oh i love this smile....

before i go to sleep...

feeling exhausted... emotional overload... i just have one thing to say.... if each of us...took the time... to see just one person...through their eyes...walk in their shoes...would we still be so quick to judge.. would this somehow...help us understand...

tonight...my thank you will be... for mikeC.... he's already on my list... but tonight...he is added again...with stars...and kisses...and hugs... and thank you for being my friend... my very own friend... who never ever seems to stand in judgment...who always offers a kind word... a hug... and sometimes a kiss on the forehead...

so while the tears...go streaming down my cheeks... the sadness in my heart feels heavy.... i can still find comfort...and time...and the energy...to say thank you...with all my heart...thank you...

i wish you all... a very very restful night... and a happy happy terrific tuesday....ha!

giving....thanks

has brought me amazing insight... enlightened me as to the power of gratitude... things that typically have a negative impact... don't seem so bad...or i can easily let go...

as i mentioned before... my thank you list....is somewhat random...whatever comes to mind...i add it to my list...and say thank you.... i say thank you throughout the day...for so many different things...some that are currently in my life...some i would like to have in my life...others are somewhat abstract...as to being a better person...for love and light... for silly things... like sneezing... saying thank you for pleasant and unpleasant situations....

along with the good...is always the bad... there are always those things i don't quite understand... or i wish i didn't have to deal with... and it seems like...whenever things are going really good... there is always that one person...playing the devils advocate... or doing whatever they can...to bring me back down to earth...making sure they point out and i know everything that's wrong with me...or some shit... does this somehow make them feel better about themselves... is it...i need to know...what a total fuck up i am... and they feel it's important to... tell me and others how awful i am... thank you to all of you...who feel the need to set me straight...and make sure i'm aware of my horrible ways....

so after... hearing these lovely things about myself... and working all day on the trinkets n baubles party saturday... i decided sunday morning... i would just stay home.... my son leighton had come in the night before from stillwater... so we spent the day working on the house...cooking and decorating.... eating breakfast together......we started the pot roast early .... leighton raked up 4 or 5 bags of fallen leaves...we got out the christmas lights....checking each strand... at night fall we began hanging the lights... wrapping...twisting...cursing... strand after strand... our next door neighbor was doing the same...(not cursing though) after a couple of hours....leighton and i had created a magical lighted wonderland.... taylor came home too.... surprise!!!! the three of us had dinner together... the way we do... sitting on the sofa... glasses of milk.... bowls of pot roast... the umm umms...mom this is so good... a movie...selected by taylor... the tv remote king...channeling back and forth from movie to football... the day was complete....the weekend was complete.... my sons home... for the whole night....

i suppose....there will always be the negative...the nasty...the angry... and bitter... but... as long as i say thank you... find the goodness in my day... somehow...everything will be okay...

the morning after....

the trinkets n baubles.... is here again... damn where does time go...? every year...there is a new twist... a new....oh no.... what if... holy shit.... oh oops...it broke... this year we lost 5 baubles while hanging them for display... two... i broke all by myself... with a little help of to much glitter... suddenly...i was sparkling from head to toe.... and then intrigued... by the snowflake like glitter... falling slowly to the ground.... repeat...repeat.... i couldn't help myself... shaking the glitter off of my clothing... a stream of sun....shines through the window...illuminating...flickers.... opalescence... tiny sparkles...smile....smile.... insisting every one watch as i gently shook the glitter from my body.... oohs and ahhs....whispered...

this year... the new twist came early saturday morning....... where are all the ornaments....??? usually the day before the party... the closet is full with a couple of hundred ornaments....not this year..... this year....there were maybe 30....or so submitted by 10 a.m. saturday morning....
kat...cristin and i began... calling out... to the universe....to bring in the ornaments...they will come....they will come...bring us baubles..... ha!!! we even held our hands...above our heads... sweeping them towards our faces....soft slow motion.... mantra...repeat.... bring ornaments...

it worked...

by 2 o clock...we had so many beautiful ornaments....

for some of us.... this is when the party begins...it's actually my favorite part.... inventorying.. displaying.... getting everything ready for everyone else to enjoy... this year there were 5 of us...working together... kat...my right hand man...cristin... her daughter melody... andrea and myself..... kat and i have this down to a fine art.... knowing exactly what needs to be done...and how to get it done.... the work is tedious... tagging each ornament....tying fishing line onto each... counting... recording.... making sure we haven't missed a thing.... this year with the exception of a few breaks...preparation went smoothly...we knocked it out in 3 hours.... not bad....

so now...it is on to the next fund raiser...the ride4warmth bike race... donation boxes are in place throughout the city.... sponsors are committed... alley cat style race mapped out... need a few more people for the check points... gotta get the posters out...with sponsors names....race and registration time details.... now i ask....everyone...to ask for sunshine...60 degrees.... no wind... on sunday december 14th...all day long... last year...the scheduled race day was the same day as the ice storm.... sunday december 9th.... crazy....

happy happy holidays....

thankful thursday...!!!

last week... before the holiday i read something about thankful thursday... taking time to give thanks for everything... repeating thank you over and over again throughout the day... i took this to heart... giving each day of the week an additional name...sensational sunday....merry monday...terrific tuesday... wonderful wednesday...thankful thursday...fruitful friday...sweet sunshiny saturday... then i made a thank you list...beginning with my sons... family...friends...my home...my lucy girl...and ollie cat...the ability to laugh at myself......a random list of gratitude.... each day...adding to the list... realizing... so many things...i have to be grateful for... instead of asking for something....i just say thank you for that something... the results...have had an incredible impact on my world.... it's as though i just woke up... feeling this warm smiley sensation in my gut....bubbling up....like a volcano of yummy energy...

each day has been filled with so much goodness...kindness...love... smiles...generosity.... laughter... hugs... gifts...unexpected phone calls... old friends...new friends....

i made a conscious decision to enjoy the holidays this year... no matter what...i am embracing this season with love...happiness...and gratitude... the funny thing is... i have less monetarily than i have ever had in my entire life... however with this lack... i have discovered great abundance... in every little thing...

i can't wait to decorate my house in the spirit of christmas... tie a red bow on lucy....place a tree in my front window....lights glowing....ornaments glistening....the scent of cinnamon...and spices... candles...and pine cones...wrapping gifts... this year...i'm celebrating...the beauty of giving... the power of gratitude... the closure...of a wonderful year... the beginning of a new one...the success of my friends and family... the kindness bestowed upon me each day.... the love that surrounds me...

don't even try...and tell me i can't...because....there is nothing.... at all that can stop me...

today...take a minute...just to say thank you...!!!
love and light to all...and to all....a very merry christmas!!!!

i'm still..........

smiling from the holiday weekend.... like all families....we have our quirks... the perfect brother... the can't get things quite right brother....the psychotic sister... and the novelty (me)... things haven't changed much...over the years... as we come back together... the roles we played as children return... but now...there are 2 or 3 clones of each of us...as the years pass and our children grow into teenagers....young adults it becomes more and more clear how each and everyone of them embody so many of the same characteristics as each of us.... watching my sons and the children of my brothers and sister... is almost like watching the four of us... 30 years ago... damn i loved this thanksgiving... an amazing holiday... i'm still smiling....

moving on....

monday... i began working at a friends house... redecorating... but first...there is the cleaning and clearing out of 8 or 9 years of life... piling up... in each room... i chose to begin in the least cluttered room.... his bedroom.... two days and 7 ginormous bags of laundry....4 ginormous bags of give away clothes....3 full bags of trash...the room is for the most part done...
i must admit i'm most excited about this project....the house was built in 1930... arts and crafts style...wood floors...amazing wood molding and trim... french doors... it's almost like excavating... and uncovering all of it's wonder and beauty...... not to mention all the things that have gone missing over the years...just yesterday i found his eye glasses... looking to be 20 years old or so... when i held them up to dust them off....he got so excited....saying..."i've been looking for those" a sweet almost child like smile stretched across his face as i handed them to him... thinking to myself i can't imagine...how many memories...he has... how many things he saw...through those lenses...

this project is hard work... but at the same time... fun... i have so many visions...of how to reinvent this house... decorating... adding touches of golds, red oranges... dirty olive green... colors that reflect my friend...comfortable warm colors... cozy... unfortunately...i have not been given free reign as to creativity... and knowing my friend as well as i do... i have learned... how far i can push him...and when to just step back... the thing is...he too is incredibly creative...with such a wonderful sense of beauty....he knows just what he is comfortable with... i suppose this will make it a less complicated job...as well everything i do MUST be cat friendly... oh...no no no... the cats need to learn... however... that's not his way... it's my way... so far this seems to be my only real restriction... a big one...but one i can work around....

another bonus...is the furniture in his house...he has some very cool pieces...to work with... his taste is somewhat eclectic...a mixture of rattan... bamboo... wood...mission style furniture...early american... some i don't even know the period...kind of 70's style...i suppose...then there is the added touch of ... his love of the tao...and buddhism....

today...i will begin documenting the process... photographing each room and the change... the best part....to me... is the clean smell... replacing that of cat leftovers... the ability to walk through his house...without bumping into something... and giving him back his home... this lovely house... which deserves to be as glorious as it was intended....

the magic of this day...has already engulfed me.... life is good... really good!!!

i'm not sure what

happened yesterday evening....why i panicked the way i did.... my heart began to pulsate so hard...so fast...i could hardly breath..... my head spinning into a dizzy swirl....like i had just seen a ghost....the room became a fog.... barely able to stand...holding my head with my hand.... i made my way outside of the restaurant... people staring at me...are you okay..... yes yes...i'm okay... leaning against the wall just outside the door.... trying to regain some sense of consciousness.... trembling.... dizzy....a family approaching me....looked at me.... are you okay... you're as white as a ghost.... !!!! yes yes..i'm okay....

soon two firemen came out of the restaurant....to check on me... are you okay...i stood... motionless... unable to speak... focusing on the two men....one 6'2" or so...the other 5'10...11"...making out their faces.... their clothing.... both wearing blue ball caps...blue t-shirts.... the smaller fireman wearing a jacket....finally whispering... yes yes...i'm okay... they stood their staring at me....a kind... concerned look... staying with me until mikeC came out.... he too was concerned.... have you never seen a gun....he asked.... yes...just not that close...

it was a gun... in a holster on a mans hip...not 3 feet away from me.... the man had been there 10 or 15 minutes.... before i noticed it... i looked over my left shoulder...at his uniform... my eyes....gazing downward at the man seated with his back to me....and there it was...a gun....a gun.... the man in a brown uniform....having dinner with his family....his wife...his daughter 4 or 5 years old and their baby.... nothing out of the ordinary.... but the gun.... the only clear vision remaining from the dinner.... the gun... flashing in my mind.... like a strobe...

i asked myself....why...why at this moment in time...did i react this way.... i remember telling mikeC....i equate guns with murder and death... still this was a very odd reaction... it was as though an energy much more knowing than me..... a telling of sorts... a fear deep inside...emerged with such intensity...i lost all control... it felt as though i was no longer in my body.... like i was having a premonition.... a powerful.... feeling of something dark... so dark.... consumed me...

eventually i gathered my composure enough to drive home....shaking....trembling...blurred vision.... still asking myself....why... it's not like i had never been around guns .... it's been years and years....more than 30... as a child... i remember my father and brothers...shooting guns...clay pigeons... quail hunting... my brothers would set bottles up...as targets and shoot away at them....

was it real...or my imagination...or just a deep seeded fear of guns...? i may never know why this effected me the way it did.... but then again.... maybe i will!!!

another......

thanksgiving holiday has come and gone.... leaving me filled with... smiles... gratitude and wonderful memories....

for the first time since christmas of 1999....the last christmas with my father... we were all together again.... my brothers....chris and kip...their wives...diane and deanna...and their children.... sarah... little chris... samantha (the holy terror)... evin and cole... my sister shelley and her three daughters.... and my mother.... we all gathered at my uncle luke and aunt maggie's house in disney oklahoma on grand lake....my cousins kim, her new husband and rob were there with their children.... hope...gracie... the twins chris and luke.... and skylar.... head count 27 or 28.... luckily... they managed to find cabins for us all to stay.....some traveling 12 hours...some 9 or so...the boys and i...3 ....

thanksgiving morning arrives....taylor and i enjoyed a morning walk...the air brisk...down the road to the lake.. a low misty fog laid just over the water...as the sun rose...golden in the east... the two of us sat quietly.... while we looked upon this glorious vision.... the beginning of a new day... a memory.... recording in my mind....

slowly.... we all made our way to my uncles house for breakfast.... converging one by one... three by three....everyone so excited to see each other.... as my older brother walked into the living room standing just under the entry....tears...swelled in his eyes....his face became a warm shade of red.... beautiful...lovely...once in a life time happiness....

we ate...together....played flag football...a family tradition...going back to childhood... the boys.... now men with silver gray hair... lines of life...gracing their faces.... the laughter could be heard for miles and miles....the smiles contagious..... strategic plays.... family against family.... running.... passing the ball.... me with the camera....shooting blurred image after blurred image.... the sun warm fading into evening.... soon night fell upon us...... uncle luke built...a ginormous fire...rising to the heavens.... all of us gathered around... finding empty lawn chairs... pulling them close to the fire...stories being told...children roasting marshmallows.... we were all together again... each of us... celebrating...a day of thanks... a day...we will always remember... who knows if this will ever happen again... i don't suppose it really matters....because we had it this year.... we had each other.... we were all together.... even my father was there... we made sure of it.... i think he was probably hovering over us.... smiling upon us.... memories... of lives well lived.... of hope... and happiness.... he was there with us....

all of us agreed....this was the best thanksgiving ever.... as our family changes... some leaving us....others joining... there is this amazing... sense of belonging....the place we are all so familiar... no one is left out...even the newest members easily find their place in our family....

gratitude.... is a powerful thing........ being grateful for that smile... that hug so familiar... voices from the past.... eyes...of the future.... the laughter of children.... screaming little girls as they run without a care...chasing one another... the cheers and clink of wine glasses...swearing we will do this again soon....

saying good bye.... hugging...each and everyone..... my sons and i pile in the car....as we drive away... they all stand waving...shouting goodbye...love you.... one by one disappearing into the house.... as the last person enters....the door closes behind.... another year older... another thanksgiving.... has come and gone..... another memory... to carry on our family tradition....