thankful thursday....

thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you!!! the instructions for thankful thursday... are...and i quote....to be thankful for everything... and to repeat...thank you seven times...over and over...throughout the day....

i'm not feeling so happy today... the dear john letter... is getting me down a bit... sucks really... i tried to make light of it...but the truth is... i will miss him... i enjoyed him... i liked him...more than i expected... he brought into my life...something quite beautiful... sure there were a few not so pleasant moments... however... there were many more wonderful moments...than not so good ones... i suppose it's better now than later... there were differences... one that cannot be ignored... his desire for children... other than that... they were more social...

i've never been very good at the breaking up part of a relationship... i know why... it's because those i choose to have in my life...i feel them deep in my heart... i feel a connection...beyond this earth...something i cannot explain... perhaps it is love... perhaps not... all i know is when it's there... it's there...and i can do nothing...to change it... just let it...fill me up...and enjoy...

this day...there are many more pressing things i must deal with... things that are more monetary...more immediate... not sure...how it will turn out... the god's honest truth is... i need a miracle... a huge...miracle... when it rains it pours... not just a nice little spring shower...but one of those... ginormous...down pours...with wind blowing... lightening striking...thunder roaring... it's not like i don't try... because i do... i really do... there are things...in this life...that just don't make sense to me...things i'm not so good at... which seem to always overshadow those things that i am good at... i used to think that being a good person... doing what i can to help others... never ever asking for much... not blaming others for my heartaches...accepting responsibility...for my mistakes...will somehow... protect me... but the hard cold truth is... good people always...always come in last... we are the ones...the world tramples on...yells at... blames... go to great lengths to hurt...we are the ones...that cry..wondering what we did wrong...why does this hurt so fucking bad... why... can i not ever seem to get it right.... i suppose it's just my calling in life...

this is not a feel sorry for kelley...woe is me.....it's a reality...i must accept and live with... sometimes i want to give up...call it quits... throw in the towel... today... is one of those days...because no matter how thankful i am....how good i am.... i can't for the life of me...figure out...how to fix the mess i'm now in... today...will prove to be my final demise...or my greatest success... today....i will stand in the light of love...and with all my heart...give thanks...for all that i do have....for all the beauty that surrounds me... for a miracle....the miracle that will change my life...forever....

so with this sad heart of mine... the knowledge and belief in possibility...miracles...i give thanks... for whatever...comes to me today....for this life i live...for the christmas tree...that sits quietly... lighted and decorated in my mind...my incredible imagination.....

thank you....thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you...thank you....