last night....

i met cristin for a glass of wine at the deep fork.... it felt good to get out for a while... go some place other than the paseo... i put on a little eye shadow.... mascara... powdered my cheeks with a soft mauve blusher... my hair....long...wavey..and a bit clumpy from...lack of brushing.... i felt pretty... for the first time in a very long time...i felt pretty....

the past two years....my self image has been controlled by three years of abuse... november 16, 2006...i woke up... and decided...i could no longer...live with his abuse...i could no longer... be made a fool...i could no longer... be criticized... ridiculed...i could no longer...hear how i'm no good... so i sent him a dear john email..."i'm done" the first few weeks after... i felt strong... liberated...free... and then...it hit...the reality of his abuse...took over...consumed me...i wanted to become invisible....i didn't want anyone to look at me... no one would ever do that to me again.... you see....there was nothing...not one single thing about me...physically...artistically... emotionally...mentally... professionally.... he did not say something ugly about.... three years...every single day... he would lash upon me his ugly tongue...beating me down...to nothing.... almost daily he would tell me how i have no self confidence...i have a low self esteem....suck your gut in....tell me to shut up...in front of people...roll his eyes... my lips are too thin... your facial structure is...this or that... you need to change this you need to change that...... he used and abused...until he had sucked every ounce of life from me.... how does this happen...? how....? slowly.... it begins... the first time the words are uttered...it becomes...easier and easier...until it is a way of life...sucked in... no escape.... who am i.... ?

as i've tried to move on... his words..his abuse has haunted me.... when i feel...a little strength building inside...his face would appear...his mouth would open...and the words... the lies.. the criticism...would knock me back down.... this is my secret...revealed... i suppose i should feel lucky he never struck me... sometimes i think it would have been easier...had he...left a physical mark... instead of the deep hidden slices....the cuts and bruises that are never seen... the sadness behind...the eyes... the heart..shattered... the knowing.... someone...treating another human being...with such hate...and anger... has lingered...much to long.... this is my confession... i'm tired of holding onto this...i'm tired of it controlling me... i'm tired of feeling no good.... i'm tired of remembering...his ugly words...his constant... abuse....

something...is happening...inside me... a glowing light... warming my heart... the old me returning... finally... it's time to move on...leave it behind...and begin living again... feeling hope... feeling like there is so much life to live... a life that no one can take away from me... it's been too many days...too many weeks and months...of remembering... the one constant...i have held onto...is that this had to have some purpose....i went to that place of darkness for a reason... i was to learn something... i'm still not quite sure...what the lesson was...or is... however... for the first time...in two years...i feel like i'm alive again... i feel like i can love again...and let another love me... this is remarkable...truly remarkable.... to have the smile...of possibility growing...inside... i see beautiful things...ahead of me.....a rebirth...an energy..filled with hope... perhaps it is... the gratitude...taking time to give thanks.... recognizing...all the wonderful things in my life the wonderful people...in my life...the friends i have... the love they share...the caring..the kindness... i have been blessed... with more than i ever dreamed... finding strength... in the love of my friends.... the kindness of my friends... the hugs...and smiles... i am most grateful to you all...who have seen me...when i couldn't....who have believed in me...when i couldn't... i do feel it is your strength...that has renewed mine....

it's crazy....the way i feel...this love....flame...flickering into a ginormous fire...of happiness... it is... finally time...to put to rest...the past...the days of darkness.... the time has arrived for my life... to be lived... again...

so on this monday...december 29th...2008... i say goodbye... to that old...way...that ugly thing... that has kept me...from believing in me.... that...nasty bald man....filled with so much hate... i release you...from me... i let you go...far away from me.... i say goodbye...finally....forever... and ever...

oh i feel so good...so happy...so strong....so ready to fall in love...for my dreams to come true... find my heart....whole... is this really happening.... it must be....daily...it gets stronger and stronger... like something magnificent is getting ready to happen.... something beautiful is growing like wild flowers...spreading over the landscape of my life.... rearranging... renewing... starting over... let it grow...let it grow...

thank you...for this freedom...thank you for my beautiful friends... a special thank you to mikeC..... your friendship... my surrogate brother.... my kindred spirit... you mean the world to me.... and forever...i will cherish... you...
thank you for the abundance in my life....for all my dreams coming true...for my new life... the realization...i am finally free....for my beautiful sons... for the ability to accept....and welcome... the love... and light...that surrounds me... thank you for this magical day that lies ahead... filled with every possibility...every....opportunity...thank you....