yesterday.... a friend...

asked me if... i was on anti-depressants...? replying no...i'm not... after about 15 minutes....i asked him why did you ask me... if i was taking anti-depressants...? he explained why.... (his story to tell...not mine)... my metaphorical entry yesterday... hit close to home with my friend... not to mention his concern for me... and my well being... i told him later....i'm not depressed...just realistic... right now...my reality... is less than desirable...

when there are constantly no results to my efforts...it's hard...it's hard to believe in anything... it's hard to see past my current reality... the thought of disappointing my sons...is almost more than i can take... seeing the disappointment on my sons faces is the absolute worst feeling... i have ever experienced.... i just can't fail them...i just can't... and i feel like i am...

drastic situations...take drastic measures... "it's the most wonderful time of the year" the song comes on again....

i spent a large portion of the day...working at mikeC's house... completing his closet... hanging new racks... trying to find... studs to hang the 8 supports on... pretty funny.... by the last two i finally had it down...transferred...the clothes hanging on the free standing rack in the hall to his new and improved closet... holy shit does he have a lot of clothes... i even met...the ex wife....not at all what i imagined...however...mike had described her...on more than one occasion...it was still a surprise...

i ended up spending the evening with leighton... both of us tired for much different reasons... just after dinner we dozed off... waking around 10... movie marathon time... we laughed.. and chatted... he had overheard my phone call yesterday morning...so he was a bit more mama attentive than normal... it's now 2:30 a.m.... we're wide awake...another movie getting ready to start...both wanting desperately to sleep... he says... you know what you need mom... is a "joe black" aka...a man in your life.... this too took me by surprise... leighton has always been extremely possessive of me... not to mention protective.... i asked him a few qualification questions... which we agreed on... this is huge... really huge... my baby... wants me to have love in my life... for the last 15 years he's pretty much despised every man i have ever had in my life...only two has he cared much for... leo... and then a guy i saw for a few months in the summer of 07...

it's a new day...and after giving thanks for my health... i wake with my head all stopped up.... slight headache from pressure build up... no energy...and very little sleep... thank you... thank you... for this wonderful day... another day in paradise as some would say... make believe... pretend... lose track of what's real....thank you for my sons... for my beautiful sons... thank you for making their lives better...and for their dreams coming true...thank you thank you...thank you for my new life... for my new beautiful life...