once upon a time....

there lived a girl.... with long blond hair... blue green eyes... she loved so much her closet full of clothes....her jewelry box full with diamonds and gold... her big beautiful home..... her luxurious car...... she never ever lacked for anything...whatever she wanted she could have... always enough food to eat... never a worry....a life of plenty...
however in this life of plenty....there was one thing missing...one essential element...missing...

so....one day...she decided to go......walking away from her life of plenty.... she packed her bags... and off she went.... saying goodbye...to all her beautiful possessions... the life she thought she wanted...the life she had dreamed of...so many times as a child.... the perfect story book life... from rags to riches...

this is my story.... a story of strength and endurance...a story...of love and passion.... a beautiful magical story....

i have never regretted walking away...that day... i had wanted to for years...6 to be exact... for so long....i was much to afraid...afraid of what people would say....of what my family would do...would they turn their backs...would they choose him...over me....

when we become someone... other than ourselves to please another.... we lose... we lose our sense of self... our identity... we lose our purpose... our passion... we lose....everything that really matters....

one day... i woke up....and couldn't find me anywhere near me... i had become silent...i had become...what i thought he wanted me to.....the perfect stepford wife.... with the perfect hair...the perfect clothes... the perfect car...the perfect friends.... the perfect house.... the perfect children... the perfect husband... but within all this perfectness.... there was me... deep inside...buried...underneath years of covering up....there i was.... hiding... wanting desperately to be me.....

in the beginning.... it was like being a child... a whole new world had just opened it's doors to me..... a world i had never ever seen or known before.... everything felt like my first kiss.... the tingle...the sensation.... the rush..... 34 felt like being 18 again....

the day i woke up.... the day that set me free..... was an ordinary day in the spring of 1992... i had gone to the student union at UCO....to join some friends for coffee and conversation... i was the only woman... sitting among 6 men....ages ranging from 18 to 35... we were discussing art... all of us being students of art....studying art...creating art... these discussions were quite frequent...however this one... this particular one...changed my life forever.... it was the moment when....i began to speak......and all the men....stopped their chatter....silence fell...and all 6 of those men...looked at me....they listened to me... they acknowledged me....for the first time in my entire life.....i knew i was being heard.... i had never ever known that feeling.... i had no idea how incredible it could feel...to have a voice.... that was the single most powerful moment of my life... it was like....i had been imprisoned within my own skin...since birth....and suddenly.... i was free... i was truly free....

some say...i left my husband for another.... not true... i left my husband....in search of me... in search of love of self of a higher purpose...spirit..... for many years after leaving david.... i believed...had i stayed... i wouldn't be alive today....

yesterday afternoon....i had drinks with the man...that everyone thought i left david for.... he too believed i had... for all these years...he's been holding onto guilt... a silent guilt... i looked at him.... eye to eye... telling him no...no...i didn't leave him for you.... you were a bonus...and perhaps gave me the strength...to do what i had to do.....but no.... it wasn't you...it was me.... i loved scott... i still do.....aways will....but he is married...while he tells me of his love for me ... all i can think of is his wife... does she know... i believe yes... she must at some level... perhaps not to the intensity that he feels it....but she knows.... telling him... she comes first... i will never be the wife to you...she is and always will be.... thank god... i have this incredibly powerful love of sisterhood....a true respect for the union of marriage...for her.... he and she...belong together...and it is not mine...to take away... nor could i...would i... as i love him.... i love more that he has her.... she has him... and she... is his wife...

what is today.... oh yes saturday...sensational saturday.... on this day... i give thanks... for this journey...long ryde home.....for the magic of the holiday season... for the strength.....to pursue my dreams...for the sense of self...i discovered long ago...for the voice i have... the possibilities... i give thanks for the love of others.. and the love i get to give back...without condition...without strings....just pure...beautiful...glowing...love... i give thanks for my sons....my friends.... for Val Harbison... who i get to see today.... thank you for the abundance in my life...the struggles that have brought me to this place...
thank you for the lack...of plenty... and for the plentiful....for the once upon a time.... and the once upon a future.....feeling the light of love....warming my heart... my soul...my spirit... i am truly blessed....truly