bottom feeders....

were a topic of conversation....a few days ago....can't remember who brought it up...or how the conversation even got started... i learned a few things about bottom feeders...in reference to catfish... apparently if you suspend a catfish towards the surface of the water for a few days...it will clean out...all the shit it ate off the bottom... seems simple enough... in a strange way...this information...became somewhat metaphorical for me... realizing.... as long as you're at the bottom...everything consumed... is shit...

so...i'm thinking...with a fishing pole... a good hook and some tasty bait... i could just latch on... for a few days...thrown in some large basket....floating about at the waters surface... and all the shit would just fall away...cleansing me.... thus...bringing forth the light... the love...

it's that time of year again....i forget every single year....the thing that i do repeatedly every single january.... some may think this is most outrageous.... however it makes perfect sense to me... i always sink into the lulls of life...hopelessly plugging along....to get through the days.... the weeks...the month of january.... always hoping for rain...or snow... anything to make it seem a little better... this is the month....my life changed dramatically...many years ago... on december 28, 1958...just 10 months and 2 days after my birth...my sister was born... she came 2 months early....my mother almost died... hearing this my entire childhood...it's hard to forget the details... the ugly details of my sisters birth... she grew up knowing she almost killed my mother.... we all did.... my mother was so weak...from the birth..the loss of blood... and my sister... so small she could fit perfectly in a shoe box... there was no time for me...all attention was on my sister and my mother... i was cut off from all maternal nurturing by my mother... she just couldn't take care of me or spend time with me...hold me...nothing... from what i have been told...it was my great grandmother mimi...who cared of me... i have no memory of this.....however it did leave an emptiness a void i have lived with all my life....

always....about two weeks into the month of january...i remember...why...i get in this funk... i remember...it happens every year.... realizing....i can snap out of it...or let it control me... this year of course is a bit more difficult... there are none of the normal distractions.... damn it...

i'm thinking i need a distraction...something to consume my time...my thoughts....something other than....feeding off the bottom... the star of my own pity party... what the hell...it's time to stop this nonsense...get a grip on things... so with a little love... my wonderful friends... a bit of encouragement....just maybe...i can...just maybe this will soon turn into a memory...that no longer has a hold on my life...and i will be sailing along...the wind carrying me...to new places... new horizons... love and happiness... believing anything is possible... i have the strength and courage to pick myself up...by the boot straps and actively change the problems at hand... focus on the solutions.... a little mind alteration... no no not drugs...but attitude...

thank you... terrific tuesday... miracles...and magical moments....happiness all around....the love surrounding me... smiles and hugs... thank you for keeping me close...watching over me... even when i yell and scream.... even when i stand in doubt....hopeless and distraught...thank you for waking today.... with more energy than yesterday.... finding a touch of hope... to hold onto....