not so sure....

how things will pan out this year... i am hoping... it to be... so much better than the last 3....i began this new year... in a town i have never been before... meeting people i've never met before... listening to a band i've never heard before... standing in a bar...i have never stood before...watching people i've never watched before... having conversations i've never had before...sleeping in a bed i've never slept in before... a little town... built on the side of a mountain... an old town....filled with history... interesting people... cool little shops... bars and restaurants... a wonderful little town... in arkansas... eureka springs...

i don't know why...but for some reason this spontaneous road trip...has significance... having all new experiences...on the last and first days of the year... feels important... nothing spectacular happened.....nothing other than doing something i have never done before.... kind of fairy tale like... i love spontaneity...i love experiencing things i've never experienced before... getting away from my reality...going to a place no one knows me... or knows anything about me... being alive...among hundreds of strangers...smiling...and feeling like i was exactly where i was supposed to be...no one standing in judgement...no one...really giving a shit about who i am... we were all there for one reason...to celebrate...a new year...

i'm home again... rolling in around 6 yesterday evening...everything is the same for the most part... a few changes...have already presented themselves... things that will alter my life temporarily... as well i expected the change... so it was no real surprise....just a pain in my ass... but it is what it is...and that's all i have to say...about that...

waking this morning...with visions of sculptures...floating about from leftover dreams... lucy girl laying next to me... curled up...like she does... taylor...sprawled out on the sofa.... tv blasting... neither of us can sleep through the night... in separate rooms...watching movies... thinking of the things...we've done...and the things we need to do... how will this all work out... disappointment...after disappointment...trying to find some peace in our broken hearts... still we smile... hug one another..because we can...love you...love you... so in this crazy mixed up world...friends filled with infatuation... sparkles of lust...dance in their hearts... lonely souls looking for lost love... it seems...in all this confusion... one thing always exists... each other... the love we have for each other... maybe it's just friends...maybe it's in passing... it's always about the human spirit.... the people in our lives... all the other things just seem to wash away... not really... having much importance... it is in the end... don't we all...just want to feel love... and joy...in our hearts... love of a parent...a child.. a husband...a wife...sister or brother... a lover.... isn't it really.... without each other... nothing we do...really fucking matters...

so...on this day... i give thanks for all those who have come into my life...those who have gone from my life... the friends who bring me orange juice and firewood...when my temperature is rising... the smile on my sons faces... the phone call...when it seems not a soul remembers you're alive...

some how.... all this craziness...works out... in ways we never expect... in ways that give us hope... a better understanding... from darkness.... we grow...from darkness we find light... i am looking to the light....to the love...to carry me through... thank you for each and every miracle...good or bad... thank you for the wisdom...the knowledge... to know... that all things come to and end... and when that door closes behind me...another opens in front of me... today... i celebrate...the door closing... a new one opening... a new beautiful...life... a new beautiful...happiness... a new beautiful... awakening...i celebrate...all the love...that surrounds me..i give thanks for the abundance in my life... new and old experiences...my family and friends... thank you thank you thank you for this fabulous friday....!!!

wishing each and every one...an amazing new year... an incredible 2009...!!!