i missed the

largest full moon of 2009.... maybe i will run outside...in a few and see if i can catch the tale end of it's glory... however...running outside in 22 degrees.... doesn't really appeal to me... perhaps i can smash my nose to the window...and look about to see if it's within my viewing range... who knows just maybe... i'll catch a glimpse...and feel better about life in general....

why is it...when you are down in the dumps...the drudges of hell...everyone around you seems so fucking happy...and life couldn't get any better....?

okay i just did it...my coffee cup was running on empty...so after filling it... with yummy... freshly ground coffee beans... brewed to my satisfaction... a teaspoon of sugar...i dared to open the door... warm cup in hand...wearing....baby blue fuzzy house slippers...long johns and a fleece t....stepping through into the cold morning air....stars hidden by wispy cloud cover....standing on the sidewalk in front of my house....looking up towards the west... through the bare naked trees...i could see the largest moon of 2009... sitting in the sky...as some would say... about 11 o clock... similar to the 10 and 2...position on the steering wheel... i must admit..it was worth taking the plunge.... illumination... unequaled... majestic... brilliance.... worth wishing upon... so i did.... i wished i was back inside...under my covers....ha!!!

continuing my only routine of late... getting online...reading this and that...writing...thinking about all the possibilities...that seem light years away right now.... wondering why...people stand in judgment...or completely misunderstand another persons intent... why it is some of us need something to believe in...and others...do not... why it is....being a taoist...or buddhist...is any different than one who believes in god... or the trees....or tarot....or astrology... perhaps it is...because... that what we believe is the only way....and everyone else is foolish... isn't it okay...to believe in something.... to believe that this life has some purpose...isn't okay to share with others your fears....or happiness....that just maybe...the nine of cups...has some significance...that just maybe...love is around the corner....and life is a bowl of fucking cherries... why can't we believe what we want...why can't we seek hope...where ever we want...and tell your best friend....as simple as it may sound... silly as it is... you found hope....in the tiniest moment....that something brought joy to your heart.... that it's okay to be happy...with whatever you choose to believe... personally...i don't really see any belief system is any different from another.... no matter how you look at it.... we believe in whatever comforts us...or fits into our own reality...or how we want to think it is.... to not allow another...the right to seek belief without judgment... is to me...the greatest wrong... i for one... believe ... we give power to whatever it is...we focus on... we put our thought into...that our belief is our faith...and if i choose to give power to the possibility of a better tomorrow... then i have that right... if i choose to believe...that i deserve to be loved... and live comfortably...then that too is my right... if i choose to believe...in god...or buddha...or love...and life...in happiness....in the moon....the trees...who really has the right to stand in judgment of me... who really has the right to criticize me...for what brings me comfort?

life is... not so easy at times... however it is life... and without...believing...in what brings us comfort...then there is nothing... there is no reason... there are no children...parents...brothers and sisters...there is no past...nor future... there is no today... i suppose it is...i should give thanks...for the ability to believe...to have faith...even when i want so desperately to give up... something deep inside...always emerges... telling me there is more... much more...to give up now...is not even an option... it is part of my journey...it is...i am here...this day...with purpose...as simple as it may be...or as ginormous as it could be....it is part of my life...and i am grateful...for this day... time with my beautiful son...knowing that... this is not it.... and everything...is everything...and nothing...is just that...nothing...i choose to believe....