is depression a

result of circumstances...or... are circumstances a result of depression...? i've been telling myself... there is a purpose...there is a reason... perhaps it is yet another life lesson... who really knows... we all have our highs and lows i suppose... it seems some have a better handle on things...others not so much...

one reoccurring...human behavior...i have witnessed... is those who seem to have success and happiness....have one critical element in their lives.... they have love of family...they have had an endless supply of family support... perhaps this isn't across the board a true blue rule... there are the enablers... the fixers/rescuers... the addicts...etc... however... without love... without family... there is a void... there is a longing... some find comfort in material things... some in drugs and alcohol... others... just flat out psychotic .... creating unrealistic worlds... some of us just don't feel worthy of anything.... and then there are the marriage jumpers...always seeking that one... unconditional love...thing...

after...spending several hours...working at mikeC's house...discovering...lost treasures... cleaning and clearing... we decided to grab a bite to eat... at 3:30...on monday afternoon...most eating establishments...are rather quiet... only two tables occupied...we for the most part had the whole place to ourselves.... we enjoyed a glass of wine...while waiting for our food order.... i began talking to mike about my morning experience...which had been haunting me all day... not sure why i happened onto this...especially at the moment i did... i told mike... about my conversation with god... "just give me a sign...something" i asked mike if he thought this experience was a sign...he said if i wanted it to be...then yes... somehow this deflated me...a bit... not what i was wanting to hear.... thinking this has to have some significance... he agreed...yes it is significant... but how... i don't know... it is the timing of it all... a happen chance... stop by a garage to help out a friend...within a split second...i'm helping to save a complete strangers life...with other complete strangers... perhaps it means nothing.... perhaps...i'm just wanting something to hold onto...to make sense of all the chaos.... a sign...

on a better note... the discovery of a ginormous plastic container filled with socks...at mikeC's was quite entertaining... recognizing the time period's... while handing each pair to mike...so he could decide whether he wanted to keep them or not...i would say...80's... dress socks... oh i love these...every possible style of sock was in that box... and nice socks... we also discovered his pocket squares he wore during his news 9 reporting time... exquisite....insisting he would never use them again...he offered them to me...which i gladly accepted...secretly... oohing and goohing over them anyway..... every one i pulled from the box...i would sigh...oh look at this... each and every one....absolutely beautiful... silly i know...but i have always loved textiles... and well.. this was a real find for me...a true treasure....so thank you mikeC...

i'm feeling a bit afraid to leave my house today...for fear something else will happen...each day since day one of 09 ...something over the top huge has occurred......not just...oh i forgot my keys... but major life changing stuff.... i'm just not cut out for this... and if this is a sign...of the year ahead... please excuse me...if i bow out...of this one....